Sugar Daddy - My View

I was browsing the Toronto Star's website when I stumbled upon an article titled "Sugar daddy dating: Toronto men bid on first dates online".

Here is the link: Sugar Daddy Dating

Upon reading it, I felt quite disgusted. Disgusted because the founder of Seeking Arrangements, Brandon Wade, has now come up with different ways of "sugar daddying".

What is a sugar daddy? It's when wealthy guys (most of them are above 50) who are married (or not) who seek companionship and pay girls for their company. It can range from dinner dates to trips to having monthly allowances. It sounds pretty awesome right? Well, most of the time, an exchange for sex is also required.

Sugar babies are those who look for sugar daddies to get monthly allowances to pay off their loans and what not, and to "seek companionship". In other words, gold diggers.

People have correlated this sugar exchange as prostitution. I guess to a certain degree, yes. I agree it's no different than prostitution because a girl seeks a guy, keeps him company, probably has sex with them, and then the girls get paid for their company. Those who are involved in this dating game don't think it is, because it's more than just sex. It's like going on a date with someone and paying for their meals, or buying them gifts. Well yeah, you do that initially because you want to get to know the person, and see if you want to have them as a life partner. But to have 5 sugar babies at once, or 5 sugar daddies, that isn't a real relationship. That's prostitution.

WIth the high housing prices in the city, along with ridiculous tax hikes and just overall in general prices going up (and the terrible Canadian dollar), this becomes a main drive into why young girls start looking for sugar daddies to pay off their tuition and bills. They believe it's the easy way out, and if it's easy, then why not? A lot of us like to take the easy way out. It's what I call the lazy way. If you think taking the easy way out will be good for your future, you may want to think again. Once you take the lazy way, you never want to take the hard way out. And that will reflect on your future job prospectives and the way you perform at jobs as well.

According to the Global News and what they have reported, University of Toronto is the number one university in Canada to have the most sugar babies sign up for the year of 2015. Here is the link:

Congrats U of T for being number 1 in prostituting!

With the rise in tuition, it is not a surprise these students are signing up to seek sugar daddies in Toronto. Everything is money driven. And everyone wants to have the easy way out.

Let me tell you something. I didn't graduate long ago. I never had a sugar daddy. I paid for my tuition. I got off my butt to look for jobs and worked 2 jobs in the summer, and worked casually during the school months, in order to pay for my bills and just generally save. I worked a lot of night shifts because I knew the premium pay was there. I found jobs related to my field of study because I was in it for the work experience. The money came second, which I was fortunate that it had pretty good pay for a student. I didn't have a car at that time, so expenses were much lower. I took transit because it was the "easiest" way.

I still managed to graduate, with no loans, and no sugar daddies.

If you ask Generation X and part of Y (the early years), a lot of graduates worked hard to get to where they are today. No sugar daddies were needed. A lot of them knew what hard work meant, and a lot of them had to juggle 2 jobs or more, to make ends meet. Having a sugar daddy was unheard of.

Suddenly now in this generation, sugar daddies and babies are everywhere. Money is the number one drive. Who cares about hurt feelings? As long as you get your bills paid. Right?

Which brings me to another issue of this generation. I don't know how many times I've heard from friends, and people who I don't like, about how difficult it is to find the right person in this day and age. The "one".

Guys complain that the girls they meet are gold diggers, not independent enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough. They complain these girls are too casual, dress like a skank, or just not smart enough. They don't feel appreciated.

Girls complain that guys just want to get in their pants. They analyze the guy's job, how much money they make, are they good looking, how do they dress, how do they talk, or treat them or their friends, prefer tall versus short, do they buy gifts spontaneously or not. They don't feel appreciated.

I could go on and on. Now not all guys or girls will think like that, but there is a good amount that will display it either right in your face, or sort of "under the carpet" (i.e they try to not say it directly but will give hints indirectly).

The most common trend I can see when both guys and girls complain about each other? They're all superficial points. The most common superficial point is money and sex. We are driven to the point that it seems like only those two points matter in this day and age. Having those sugar daddy websites will not help this population improve on themselves. In fact, it's getting worse now that these sugar daddy websites have popped up. Society is becoming way more disastrous. There is no moral right or wrong anymore, because everyone decides for themselves what's right and wrong; we have thrown away the concept of God and Scripture. We have become our own gods in deciding what's right and wrong. And this is very scary.

So many people complain about their dates gone wrong, and not finding the right person. Because we have thrown away our basics. Our morality. Our values. Girls and guys have one night stands with each other because it's "the norm" and feel if they don't, then maybe they won't have that connection. How ridiculous is that? Even if you do it for fun, do you not have any shame? Do you not value yourself?

I believe that if we throw away our worth and our value, and allow things like sugar daddies to embrace us while we have nearly hit rock bottom, it still doesn't change the fact that you were used for sex and money. Girls want money, guys want sex. And you wonder why this generation is going to garbage.

If we are to raise a generation of kids to believe that taking the easy way out is good, we are setting the next generation up for disaster. It is already a disaster, and it will only get worse. We have to keep persevering for a proper upbringing, and to bring value and worth to a person. The concept of sugar daddies is an easy way out of our daily problems. It's tempting, and that's exactly what the devil does. He tempts. Our weakness is money, and he will continue to use that against us, unless we stand up and fight against the temptation.

Which leads me to: cheating. A lot of those sugar daddies are married. Very few are single and mingling. Yet they go behind their spouse's backs to pay for young adults for companionship. What kind of example is this for the younger generation? That cheating is ok? And you wonder why the younger generation are messed up today. The older ones lead by example, and if this is what the younger generation see, they will think going behind their spouse's backs is normal and cool, as long as you do it in secret.

Divorce is now at an all time high of 50/50. We want to obviously reduce that percentage, but it's going to be hard if we have constant coverage and websites that deal with stuff like sugar daddies. And influencing the younger generation that it's ok to do it, because it pays your bills. It's the most evil type of marketing if you ask me.

A real relationship is about working together, helping each other, supporting each other through thick and thin, having set values and beliefs to pass on to the children, but most importantly, to love each other - through sickness and health, until death do us apart. It seems that the current generation do not know the basic foundation of what a relationship should really consist of. Who do we have to blame? The generation before us, for introducing such an atrocious idea to make life "easier" when in fact, it's becoming a disaster. The same generation who is responsible for raising the next generation is now responsible for creating a disastrous generation of lost souls.

Assumptions

Lately I've encountered people wondering where I have been, since they haven't seen me much at work. This varies between coworkers and patients. Truth is, I have been at work almost everyday. The tricky part is, I'm everywhere in the program...like Casper the ghost.

Some people can get offended when people assume wrong about them, but I try to see it as a fun way to open the conversation, especially when I haven't seen them for some time. 

A lot of people assumed I was off for vacation the past few months. A "hey, haven't seen you for so long! Where have you been?? On vacation?!" opening conversation. In reality, I was off for a bit due to M's passing, then I got really sick from the lack of sleep from his passing. I had taken time off for personal reasons and a mini vacation, but then returned back to work. 

My answer to the vacation part is straight forward for most part: yes, but before that I was off for personal reasons. Some of them know of M's passing and how it's been affecting me, so they know the pain of what it's like to lose a loved one/furry pet. Especially when one grows up with pets. There were a few times people asked why I looked sad, and I tell them about M. That would open up a conversation about pets in general, and they would also talk about their own experiences with pets, and what it's like to lose a beloved pet. 

I remember one lovely lady who was listening into my conversation with another coworker about M's passing. This was in the beginning when it was still very fresh, and I did not know how to cope, except to talk about M. As she listened, it brought back memories of when she had a cat. We started talking about the good memories, and how smart cats are. It was a fulfilling conversation. She was really funny too, always made us laugh with her good humour. Unfortunately, she has passed on so there won't be anymore fun cat stories to share, but God bless her soul.

The other assumption that happened the other day was if I was on maternity leave. I nearly died laughing. The man meant no harm; he probably thought well, for a woman my age, I ought to be popping out babies. But in reality, that did not happen. There was no mat leave. I answered by saying I wasn't married yet. And the look on his face was O_O "My goodness, I'm so sorry! I feel so embarrassed! I didn't know!" I had to really calm him down, that it was an honest mistake haha. But he only asked because he hadn't seen me for quite some time. 

My bestie and I work in the same program, and we look very different. Yet for some reason, people still get us mixed up. I am probably double her height, so that would be a dead giveaway. The bestie is getting married this year and a lot of people are aware. The other day, I was working with someone who I haven't seen in a while. She asked "so you're the one getting married". I gave her this funny look and replied "I am?! Not that I'm aware!" She asked if I was getting married to C and I said ohhhh right, I'm B but you're thinking of A! She felt quite bad about getting us mixed up, but hey I don't blame her. There are too many staff members to remember!

I remember going to the dealership to get a battery exchanged, and that thing is damn heavy. Totally didn't realize how heavy it was, and considering my back is not that strong, I couldn't lift it. I had asked the service guy if he could bring the new one to the trunk, and he had no problem with that. At this point, I was wearing the Chanel WOC under my winter jacket and the flap was opened. It didn't occur to me that with my jacket over the open WOC, it made my belly look big. The service man was nice enough to bring out the battery into my car, and then he asked "Are you expecting soon?" I gave him a puzzled look and said no.....

I think he felt really embarrassed. It's almost like asking a bigger lady if they're pregnant when they're not. They're just...big. In this case, it was my bag causing that pregnant look. It took me a few minutes to realize why he thought that, when I looked down at myself and said...DAMN YOU WOC!!! DAMN YOU CHANEL! YOU DECEIVING LITTLE BAG!

So what's the point of this? Don't take things too personally when people assume wrong things about you. Even if you are getting the same questions asked over and over, that's when you start thinking of creative ways to open the conversation. You never know, maybe that person is having a rough day. The last thing you want to do is to yell at them for assuming the wrong thing about you. And you know what? Laugh. Laughter is the best medicine. 

Purse Adventures

As I was reading The Purse Forum's handbag thread, I came upon various experiences by women (mostly women) who encounter snarky remarks from strangers when they are out and about with their handbags. It was both good and bad remarks.

There was also a Youtube video posted by someone (I believe it got removed already) which showed two girls, one who was wearing a designer handbag. They had a small/micro camera hooked onto them and were basically going around town, yelling at all the ladies who were wearing bags (whether they were expensive or not), and saying things like "you'll never be me because you'll never own a bag like mine" or something to that degree. To summarize, it was a video about putting people down based on what they can/can't afford.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know there are far more serious issues out there in the world today that need to be recognized. But realize this is a blog, not a news reporting agency. I write based on what hits my head first, and sometimes there are so many things going on, it's hard to gather it all up and write something neat. This doesn't mean that purses are always on my mind though. But at this point, I definitely needed some sort of distraction.

Anyways, going back to what I was saying before.

The forum members got really annoyed at what they saw, because in today's society, flaunting one's wealth can be seen to others as a "show off" type of thing. And one reason why the non wealthy have a hard time dealing with the wealthy is because of that intimidation. The way I see it: we are all humans. It doesn't matter if one was given more than the other, but you're still human. One day you may have all this wealth, but the next day you could go bankrupt. Then what do you do?

The video may have gave a false ideology that all wealthy people are like that. They put others down, they bad mouth those who can't afford expensive handbags, they are all entitled brats etc. It's just a generalization, because in reality you have all types of people and all types of background, wealthy or not, who work hard to get their handbags. This doesn't mean they are wealthy. It just means they managed to handle their finances properly in order to be able to afford one.

I'm a regular working class citizen who pays my taxes. I work hard for what I have, and help others as well. To those who meet me off the streets, they won't know that. If I wore one of my designer handbags, they will just think I'm an entitled brat whose rich parents or boyfriend/husband bought for me. They can think whatever they want, but as long as I know what path I chose to get to where I am today, that's all that matters.

It's also about the attitude. If I gave a snobby attitude back, then of course they will have that image that all designer handbag owners are snobby. One of the things I read was about how random strangers will approach these ladies and ask about their handbags. Not that there is nothing wrong in asking about a product, but they will go into questions like how much did the bag cost, is it real, what kind of job do you have in order to afford it etc.

These are all legit questions. But that's just like me approaching a man or woman who drives a Lamborghini or Ferrari, asking them how much their car costs and what do they do for a living. You can easily search the price of those cars online, so it's not like the prices are hidden from the public. For someone to ask a stranger that, in front of public, it is intimidating. So I don't blame those owners for not answering, or for turning their backs because it is a personal question. If you already know the price range of those exotics, why would you go up to the owner and ask them? To me, that's just stupid.

Going back to the handbag price questions, same thing. The prices are readily available online on the company websites. It's not like it's hidden from the world (ok, minus Chanel but even when searching used handbags from consignment shops, that already gives you an idea of what it costs). So if ladies already know about the brand and about how expensive they can get, why would get go up to a stranger and ask them? You're pretty much just rubbing it in their face.

Another one was how random strangers approach the ladies and ask if they could touch their bags. Again, it's up to the owner to decide if they want to let their bags get touched or not. It's almost like how someone approaches a stranger and asks if they could pet their dog or cat. It's all about the attitude whether you really want people to touch your possessions or not.

How do I deal with stranger questions? I personally haven't had any strangers come up to me to ask me about my bag, whether it's intimidating for them or I don't know what else was going through their minds. I did have a couple of friends ask about the Chanel and how much it cost, but of course it was asked in front of a group of people. Now that can get a bit awkward. However, I answered by saying "cost enough for me" and that was that. But when we were more in a private setting, that's when I brought it up again and answered her question. It's a bit more challenging with strangers in a public setting because it's not like you can pull them aside to a quiet area and answer their question. People find ways to answer those questions in creative ways. I can only think of "priceless".

I do have coworkers admire the blue and pink Prada bags. The blue one always gets asked at work, and if I could bring it next time, so I say sure. They touch it, and I let them of course. Because I know how hard working they are, and most are busy with kids and raising them. If this is what makes them temporarily happy, then I'll do it. The pink Prada had a bit of a photo session while I was gone for my conference. Quite a few of them took pictures carrying it and posing with it, for memories and to also show their families. It was really fun and cute to see them do that and have so much fun doing it. And that's what brings me the happiness; when I see other people being happy and having fun.

In the end, it's all about the attitude. Handbag owners will get the same questions asked as those who own supercars. It's a matter of approach and response. The best ones are the creative answers, because those can spark some interesting conversations.

Cars vs. Purses vs. Heels?

Some of us have a passion to collect certain items or hobbies. It all varies from cards to figurines, from die-cast models to real cars, from purses to heels. So which are best investments? It varies, and you have to look at the market as well to see what is popular and what isn't.

I'm not a collector of high heels. In fact I hate heels. They are super uncomfortable, they are terrible for the feet, and terrible for overall posture. If you have a bad back already, heels just make it worse. However, I do have a huge collection of shoes. Mostly running shoes (haha). My tallest heel is probably no taller than 1.5 inch. That to me is already tall enough.

My mom used to tell me to be more lady-like by wearing heels more often. This of course was at a time when I participated in cross-country/long distance running and track and field. So my focus was on the best running shoes, not the tallest sexiest heels. She did her best by buying me heels, which I rarely wore (and still rarely do), so then she stopped. However, I was still forced to wear heels whenever there was a formal event or wedding. I'd love to show up to a wedding with a nice dress and comfy running shoes but that would just be terrible...or maybe not?

Christian Louboutin heels are sexy. I have to admit. I really like the black and red contrast. I would love to have a collection of those, but what's the point if they are just on display at home and never worn? The height would kill my feet and back. Their shortest heels don't look as nice as the tall ones, so there's no point buying the shorter heels just to say "Oh look I have them!" I'll gladly admire them on someone else who can rock them well, but otherwise it's just imagination for me. Plus pointy stilettos are hell to walk in. I'm pretty sure I'd trip and fall on my face.

I have seen women collect Louboutins and have them on display in their closets. When I mean collection, I mean they have like 50 pairs of the exact same heels. I have seen used Louboutins go for just under a grand so they still retain their value. But the most common scuff that is mentioned is that the bottom is scuffed up, because obviously it's a shoe. It's been worn so it will have scuff marks on it. And that's how the value goes down. To me, shoes/heels are just like tires. Eventually they will get worn out, so the value just goes down even further. Unless you keep them in the closet for many years and never wear them, I don't see a point collecting heels. It's like a car fanatic collecting tires in his or her's garage. Some people see it as good investments but I don't. 

Die-cast models. I started collecting them around the 2003 mark (with my first model being a BMW Z3 in 1999; received as a gift from my cousin). At that time I had no idea these pieces would be investment pieces. I liked them because they were miniature and so cool to play with. As time went on, and I learned about the various companies that make model cars, I aimed to buy the best ones. The rare models were also the one with better investments, but I had to like the models too. I didn't want to buy a rare model just for the sake of having a rare model. 

I was fortunate enough to buy a 1/12 Lamborghini Murcielago 40th anniversary edition in the summer of 2008. I remember working a lot of night shifts as a student and saved up to get one. A lot of hobby stores were selling it for $600-700 plus tax. At that time the 40th anniversary edition was still available, but it had to be pre-ordered. I ended up paying $550 cash (as I bargained with the manager; my friend and I bought from his store back in the day) for it, and it took about 1.5 weeks before it finally arrived. It is my holy grail so to speak, and I do plan to keep it for a very long time. I know some hobbyists bought it and would keep it to resell it for the future for double the price. If you look on Ebay, a 1/12 40th anniversary model is going for $1,500+. That's because after 2008, both 1/18 and 1/12 models were sold out worldwide (2,000 and 1,000 pieces worldwide). If you were one of the ones who bought it back in the day, you are very lucky.

Not all models are going to have a high resale price. It really depends what model, and how sought after it is in the market. Something like a Nissan R34 Nismo would sell for a higher price than say...a Ferrari F430 or 360. That's not to say Ferrari is worthless, but it's more available than the Nismo. There are ones with limited worldwide pieces which are also highly sought after, but again it really depends. Is it a track car? A road car? Nascar? Formula 1? If the market is more into the road car, then the road car will be much more valuable than Nascar, because more people would want to buy that road car. For example, Nissan GTR R35 in 1/18. A road car but it is sold out (according to Autoart's website). I remember asking the store if they had anymore, and they said it had been sold out for some time.

I stopped collecting as space became an issue (and plus it's hard as heck to move all those models back and forth), but all I can say is...I definitely have way more die-cast model cars than shoes and purses combined. My cool factor just went up.

Now going to real cars. I think the person working a normal 9-5 job is going to have a more difficult time having a car collection than say...someone like Jay Leno. Unless your bank account is infinite, collecting real cars is going to be a challenge, unless you save up a lot or find other side jobs (hey, stripping counts but is not recommended. Props to the dancers though; it takes great strength and practice). Having 2 cars in a family home seems to be the average. But in a household full of gear heads, 2 is just the start. 

Now imagine this. Husband and wife are both gear heads. Both husband and wife have a daily car each (because of working in different parts of the city). And both have a summer car they can take on nice days out. So that's 4 cars. Then of course if you have a family, you'll need a car big enough for the entire family. So that makes 5. Now this is assuming the other 4 cars are coupes, so either it will be impossible to fit baby seats, or there is no backseat period. So the gear head family would have 5 cars. Both hubby and wife better be working lots of overtime in order to make it possible! 

That would be the ultimate goal for a gear head couple. Of course there are other ways to reduce the amount of cars in the family, but this is for serious gear heads. I definitely wouldn't mind having that many cars. The only problem is putting them all safely away at night. A 5 car garage? Good luck. I'm sure it can still work with a 2 car garage. Just put the 2 summer cars away. Boom done. Sounds easy on paper but insurance would be a nightmare in real life.

As most people already know, cars are depreciating items. As soon as you drive off the lot, the value already goes down by 11% and can reach 19% by the end of the first year of ownership. You can baby it as much as you can, but it still wouldn't add value to it. This alone is the main reason why owning a car is expensive. Because of depreciation. Some may think buying higher end models is better because it depreciates less, but that's not always the case. For example, I saw a nice 2014 Porsche Cayman S going used for close to $89k. Brand new starts at around $73k. The owner had added a bunch of options to the car, and in total he paid close to $128k. So yes, it was a lot of (useless) options. He had driven the car for a few months (from May to probably August or September of that same year), then decided he didn't want the car anymore. Sold it to the dealership, and dealership gave him about $78k back. And now the dealership is selling it for $89k. Adding a bunch of options does not increase the value of the car. As a base S, it's already good enough for what it is, so I would leave it be. There is no point adding a bunch of options (unless of course you have the funds for it). 

Which is why I have the mindset to always get a base model. It's basic yes, but you won't be able to sit back, relax and watch movies while you drive. You can't do manicures or pedicures while you drive. The point is to focus on driving and driving alone. If you are a gear head, you test out the limits of your car but you need to be focused to do that. If the car is already good as a base model, then that's great already! Instead of spending money to get the S or GT, you might as well get the base, put some basic bolt ons, and tune it. Boom done. And then of course save the rest or use that money towards something else. 

In the words of Meghan Trainor, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BASE, BOUT THE BASE, NO OPTIONS! 

Now onto handbags. This is probably the one that most people will see as useless and dumb. It's also common with gear heads and their wives. Hubby with cars, wife with purses. That seems to be the trend. Maybe not all, but it's a good amount I would say. The only difference is handbags will retain their value over time, as much as you don't want to believe it, but they do. Again, it really depends on which brands. Some brands will hold their value a lot better than others. It also depends on the market as well.

I have noticed a lot of women (and men) flocking to Louis Vuitton for their bags, wallets, suitcases etc over the years. I never really understood why, because a lot of their products are coated canvas. Supposedly more durable than anything, but I wouldn't really know because I don't own a handbag from LV. The price you pay for a LV coated canvas handbag is pretty similar to getting a saffiano leather Prada wallet. I think it really depends on preference as well. Would you prefer coated canvas or something leather? To me, I can get coated canvas from other contemporary brands. Heck, even they sell leather products. At this point, it's all about the brand and paying for the label.

On the used market, LVs still manage to retain their values, but I noticed not as well as before. It could be because older handbags were much more durable than the current line up, so the resale value of the older handbags are much higher than the new ones. I've noticed the newer ones sell for much less in the used market. As soon as there is a bit of discolouring or marks on it, it drops even more. From what I've heard, Gucci doesn't retain their value as well from before. Prada has been alright in the used market, although it really depends if it's a highly sought after product (eg. the double zip tote is popular). YSL, Celine, Dior, Givenchy and Fendi have been pretty good, whereas Miu Miu's resell value has tanked. The top 2 that have really retained their value are Chanel and Hermes. 

Which brings me to...is it really worth spending 6K to 20K for a handbag? Again, it's all about funds and priority. Do not drop down 8K for a handbag if you can't properly feed your family. The worst thing to see is a mother wearing an 8K bag while her kids wear clothes with holes in them, while looking under weight. I have not seen that, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are people out there like that. I just hope one day they will get their priorities straight.

If funds are not an issue, and you want to start investing in a handbag, by all means go for it. If you decide to resell it in the future, you will get most of your cash back (especially if you really took good care of your handbag). It will also depend how popular the item is, and how much in demand they are. Example: Chanel classic double flap in medium and jumbo are hot in the market right now. Resale value is excellent, and Chanel recently increased their price again on classic items (as of January 29, 2016 here in Canada). Some ladies like to customize their bags by hot stamping their initials or names onto the bag itself. Just know that if that happens, it will also affect resale value (unless someone out there has the same initials as you). Customization is where purse charms come into play. There are many places out there that sell purse charms, or you can make it yourself. Those are just temporary items you can hang off your bag to give it your own style and taste, and if you ever decide to sell the bag, you can just remove the charms. 

Some may think I'm trying to justify what I buy. To some degree, yes. That's why it's called a hobby. Eventually hobbies may die, so it's not something that will always be permanent. Interests can come and go. Having a hobby is fun though, although tiring when it comes to hunting down items, but it definitely keeps the mind busy. It's more fun when your partner can also understand and participates in the hobby. Sharing a hobby can also make the relationship way more fun and exciting!

Update

Birthday has come and gone; it was also the most difficult birthday to go through.

People have said the first birthday without a special loved one is the most difficult to deal with, and that I can relate. The realization that you're one year older but also one year rolling forward without them by your side.

The first birthday without M. When the clock struck midnight, tears came rolling down. There was no way I could control my emotions at that point. I cried for a good half hour in front of his urn, wishing that he was here with me. This is the first birthday since I was 10 that I celebrated without him. Almost 2 decades later. It's a very long time, covering the most important transitions in a young person's life. In a way, it's almost like starting all over again. "Mom, when are we getting a cat?" It's like the child in me is asking all over again.

Looking at his pictures, it brings back all the great memories we had over the years. The happiness in his eyes, the smile that he had, and the smiles he brought to all our family and friends over the years. The hardest part is the last few hours of his life when it keeps replaying in my head. It is very difficult for those flashbacks to keep playing over and over again. The flashbacks battle with the good memories and that's how all the emotions come into play.

For half the day, I was pretty sad. To sum it up: I cried. Nothing at that point could make me the same person I was a year ago on the very same day. Half the time I was at work, and my mind was focused on work. Once work was done, it was back to reality and my sadness. It got to the point where I could feel my body becoming stressed, and I got sick. I didn't get sick intentionally, but it just so happened my immune system just broke down and now I continue to fight this cold. This is the second time since his passing that I have gotten sick because I was sad and crying. 

Trying to move forward is the hardest part. I am thankful for a great supportive network; although friends want to get together to celebrate my birthday, they also understand it's a very tough time, and will accommodate accordingly to when I feel better to talk and hang out. It also brings me to another important point: do not take advantage of your family or friends or loved ones; do not take them for granted. When I look back at the last year of M's life, the only regret I had was not spending enough time with him. I was so focused on trying to uncover someone else's pathetic lying life, that I overlooked my loved ones. Once they pass, that's when you realize time is precious. It's sad, but sometimes it takes a passing to realize it. 

I have made a promise to myself, that I will focus on spending time with my loved ones from this point going forward. God gave us life and life is the greatest gift.

Which brings me to another thought.

I had been watching (yes, again) more crime shows and stumbled upon a case. The Gonzales family murder. Sef Gonzales was 20 years old when he massacred his entire family. The reason? Because he was failing his courses, he was afraid his parents would take away his car and other entitlements. He also wanted to be the sole beneficiary to the family fortune. While growing up, his parents worked hard to make sure their kids would have a good life (what parent wouldn't?). The Gonzales also wanted their kids to be successful in life (what parent wouldn't?) so they pushed them to succeed. Unfortunately for Sef, he felt he wasn't living up to his parents' standards. I also think the entitlement he received over the years shaped who he then became: a murderer. 

It reminds me of the Jennifer Pan case. She killed her mom, and injured her dad while staging an attempted robbery in the family home. All that because her parents' standards were too high for her. And also because her parents didn't like her boyfriend. Her parents met in Canada when they were both refugees. They married and had two children. Over the years they worked hard at their jobs, and saved enough to buy a two story home. They wanted the best for their children, but at the same time they wanted their children to succeed. They both established the foundations, and it was time for the children to shine. The thanks they got was a hail of bullets, leaving one dead, and one severely injured. 

Both of these culprits sound like someone I used to know: a pathological liar, being entitled to everything from his parents (hint: check back to my PSA announcement entry). Except he hasn't killed his family. Yet, or not that I know of. 

Going back to the cases, these days kids are raised with the sense of entitlement. And with technology being way more advanced than 20 to 30 years ago, there is a lot more that one can have access to, at the tip of one's fingertips. Back then, dial up internet was the only way to accessing the world wide web. In a way, it was my parents' way of controlling how much I could go on the internet. So when I was gaming and chatting online to other gamers, they would get pissed and pick up the phone to disconnect me. These days, there is no dial up, so these kids are going online without parental supervision, and chatting up strangers, or meeting them in person and being groomed. But I don't want to say "just kids" but even adults. Adults can also be groomed online and end up meeting the wrong person. 

I see parents also paying for their children's cell phone bills. Come on, they're in grade 1. Why do they need a cell phone? This is already opening the door to that sense of entitlement for the rest of their life. I didn't get a cell phone until end of high school (which I was very thankful my parents were paying the bill). It wasn't until I started my summer school jobs that I was able to take over the bill and start paying myself. When you are finally able to achieve it, you have that sense of relief. And now I pay both my bills and theirs as well, as a way to say thank you, and also so that they don't have to worry about more bills.

I believe a lot of it has to do with the friends you make, and the way the parents teach their kids the way of life. I am thankful the friends I have were not into drugs or money or anything illegal. Part of it is also judgement. Parents teach kids to not be around "bad people". Some kids become rebellious and test out the waters, not knowing it is very easy to get sucked into that bad world. It takes 10x the effort to get out of it. Just like any other Asian parents, mine were (and I guess still are) strict to some degree. Growing up, it was all about achieving well in school, in order to go to a good university, get a good job, and have a good life. 

I'm not sure if the intelligent gene skipped me but I was definitely not blessed with Straight A's. The math gene skipped me for sure, but my parents never gave up on me. They did their best to send me to tutor classes, regardless if I was doing well or not, and always told me to try my best. They don't expect me to have straight A's, nor have scholarships lined up or anything like that. As long as I tried my best, then it puts a sense of relief. With piano lessons, they found the best teacher available in the city to teach me while growing up. Those years were brutal. I knew my parents invested a lot of time and effort to make this possible, and I knew piano lessons were not cheap. My piano teacher threatened me each time a piano piece was not perfect, saying if I didn't improve by next week, then don't think about coming back again to learn. 

Some people don't believe in tough punishments when raising kids, but I believe there has to be some degree of punishment for sure. But it has to be the right mix of punishment and love. I hated the threats and punishments whenever I failed, but I knew I had to achieve it. For example, with piano I knew it took a lot of time, money, and energy. But with 10 years of lessons, I knew I wanted something out of it, not just for myself but I wanted to do it for my parents. I pushed myself and in the end, I received my piano performer's diploma from the Royal Conservatory of Music. I wanted to be the first one in the family (both immediate and extended) to achieve this goal and I did. Graduating from piano and high school at the same time was exhausting and was a huge turning point in my life, but my parents were happy for me. Then again, I couldn't have done it without them, or without God providing me with great parents.

Asian parents also don't express their happiness very well either. You don't see them throwing a big celebratory bash for their kids when they graduate school or something. Instead, it's "well if you had practiced more, you could've gotten a higher grade". I wouldn't say it's the best motivation, but this can also affect a kid's self esteem as well. Especially these days, anything you say can affect someone. Maybe it's also the media that plays a role. When we are all exposed to media and what is said, or how it's said, we think it's the norm. So when we hear "old school stuff" being said to us from our older generation, we get offended. And vice versa. 

With the Pan case, I believe a lot of second generation Asians growing up in the Western culture can relate. There comes a point where parents just don't know when their kids are all grown up, that they can stop controlling their lives (as we younger people like to put it). But as long as they are alive, kids will always be kids, even when they are 60 years old. Parents will always be parents. A great quote from my mom: "you will never know what it's like to be a parent until you become one. Then you will know. " And it's true, I will never know until then.

At the same time, kids will grow up to be adults (or so we hope...because there are still guys in their mid 30's who still act like they're 5), and eventually they will need to start making their own decisions with their life, make mistakes, and learn from them. When your kid can start making their own income, manage their life, learn from their mistakes and also show they can take care of you, that's when you know you have succeeded in raising them. Be a proud parent for achieving that. The goal will be there, but the path to getting there may not always be straight and easy. It may take one kid 6 months to get there, and for others maybe a year or 6 or 10 years. Either way, be supportive as a parent. Continue to encourage them through the thick and thin. In the end, it's not even about the goal. When they look back, they will see whether parents were there for them or not. And that's how I looked at all my goals and achievements. It wasn't the goals that I was happy for, but the fact that I have supportive parents, family and friends that were there for me during the good and some of the darkest moments of that journey.