Slight warning: this is a very long read. If you hate reading, you can click the link below and watch the video, or just scroll to the numbers at the bottom. I tend to get carried away with writing when ideas hit my head, and so it becomes a novel.
I've watched quite a bit of the episodes when I have some down time from work and projects. This particular episode called "Loved to Death" really drew me to the topic of dating and breakups because everyone goes through that at least once in their life. This episode reflects on a young couple, recently graduated from high school and taking the next step in their life (college/university) when both their lives were cut short. One was murdered, and the other would spend the rest of their life in jail.
Lauren Astley was an 18 year old graduate from Wayland High School. She was a talented musician and tennis player, and was looking forward to attending Elon University. 19 year old Nathaniel Fujita was a talented football player for Wayland High School and had gotten a football scholarship to attend Trinity College, a childhood dream. Nathaniel was Lauren's first boyfriend.
Lauren was murdered by Nathaniel on July 3, 2011. Because Lauren's family and friends were very tight-knit, her lack of communication between the time she finished work until late in the evening drove everyone to suspicion. Everyone was trying to get a hold of her, and soon her father reported her missing to the police. The following day, her body was found in a shallow marsh by a passerby. A bungee cord was tangled in her hair, and her throat had been cut.
Lauren and Nathaniel had been dating for 3 years when she broke off the relationship a couple of months before she was murdered. Nathaniel turned to drinking and smoking weed as he could not cope with the break-up. He drifted away from friends and family and would not listen to anyone. He was diagnosed with major clinical depression. Finally, it was Nathaniel's mom who suggested to Lauren to talk to him. Lauren, being the caring and kind-hearted person that everyone knew her to be, agreed to try and talk some sense into him, because she still cared about him as a friend. When she visited him at home, he was home alone. She had not told friends she would be dropping by to visit him, so no one knew where she was at that point in time. Little did anyone know, Lauren included, that her act of compassion and concern would drive her to her death.
It didn't take very long for police to get a search warrant for the Fujita house. They found bloodstains from the garage to the kitchen sink. Bungee cords. A mud-stained pair of shoes. And in a small attic opening above Nathaniel's room, they found blood soaked sneakers and clothes. The blood tested positive for Lauren's DNA. He was found at a cousin's house and arrested for murder. He was sentenced to life in prison with no chance of parole in March 2013.
Right after the sentencing, Mr. Astley stood up, in tears, and walked over to Mr. and Mrs. Fujita and gave them a hug. They embraced and cried into each others' arms. This is the part that really got to me, because in murder trials, you normally don't see the victim and suspect's family embracing each other. If you do, it's very rare. It's more or less pointing fingers at each other and hating each other. But in this case, Mr. Astley did the complete opposite, and showed compassion for the Fujitas. He wanted to share his care and compassion with them because he knew they had also lost their son. Both families were shattered in different ways, because none of their kids would be coming home ever again.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), 1 in 3 Americans between the ages of 14 and 20 report being abused by a partner. In the world of social media, digital abuse is becoming more prominent: 1 in 4 dating teens report being harassed online or through texts by their partners. When we look back to Lauren's situation, he did exhibit some behaviour that were enough to cause some concern. Friends have reported that during their relationship, he would exhibit jealousy. He wouldn't allow her to speak to guys when he was around. He was possessive of her. Her friends didn't like him. That's enough of a big red flag. Shortly after the break up, he had tried to contact her via text and in person to give him a second chance, but she would not agree to it, and told him to leave her alone. Nathaniel did not know how to deal with this. Instead, he killed her because she wouldn't give him what he wanted: to be with her.
A guy who exhibits extreme jealousy is very insecure and is obviously going through some issues. I once dated a guy who was very insecure and was always jealous when a guy friend talked to me. Another guy friend had bought me a gift for Christmas, and he had gotten jealous because he had bought the exact same gift. Except he had gotten me another 50 million gifts as well. Yet that one gift set him off, and he made sure his face showed he wasn't happy. The gift exchange happened at a friend's house, and my friends saw that side of him and did not like what they saw. It's a bit embarrassing because you have to act like a babysitter and say, are you ok? Don't cry. And then deal with a puppy face the rest of the night. It's guilt-driven. It makes you feel like you should acknowledge your partner's feelings, and then blame your friend for buying the gift for you. It's stupid.
It might seem funny at that point, but when I look back at everything, it's really a small part to a bigger problem. I'm no relationship expert, but I do know enough when someone is being emotionally abusive or being manipulative. Emotional abuse is very real. It has been reported that emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse because you don't see the bruises or damage. Emotional abuse destroys one's self esteem and confidence and could take many years to gain back, whereas bruises and broken bones heal from days to months. I don't want to see it that way: abuse is abuse, no matter what it is. They are all serious, and need to be acknowledged because it hurts people in many ways and lingers on for years to come.
Another guy I once dated didn't show the aggressive side until a few months into the relationship (together for over 3 years). At first it was all lovey-dovey. That's the honeymoon phase. But once the introduction to friends started, that's when it got a bit odd. When I wanted to hang out with friends, he would get mad. And say things like "Why are you always hanging out with them and not me?" even though we just hung out a couple days ago. When I invited him to friend events, he would complain and say something negative about my friends, or he would show signs that he wasn't interested in going, and that I should hang out with him. It was a constant battle. I did not want to lose my friends over some boy that could easily walk out of my life. But this was my first "real relationship" so I did whatever I could to make him happy, yet balancing my friends and family as well. Let me tell you, it's tough work. But it becomes tougher when it's a one way street, and not two ways.
I didn't know too much at that point, but I didn't see it as a red flag. I saw it as, oh just a normal behaviour. That's just the way he is, and I should accept people the way they are. And that's the thing with people who get emotionally abused: You are made to believe that everything you do or say is wrong. As years went by, it progressed to something that I wasn't sure if this is what I liked, or if I was happy. Or if this was what I wanted for the rest of my life. You know, when couples get asked by other people "So tell me why you fell in love with this person?", the normal response would be to start listing out everything that you loved about that person, and to do it with conviction. I couldn't. I couldn't find one thing that I loved about him. Now that was a big red flag in my face. And that's when I started to wake up.
It took a few tries to break it off. Because each time I tried, he would say something to lure me back. I was being manipulated and I had no idea. Things would be ok for a while, and then an argument would ensue all over again. It was a deadly cycle. Deep down I knew what I had to do, but when I encountered the situation, I was told I'm weak, it's my fault. I should be the one mending things. Nothing is ever his fault. This is all my problem. If I break it off, I would never find anyone like him again. Damn straight, I don't ever want to deal with an emotional abuser ever again!
The break up part is always the most difficult because both sides have invested a lot of time into a relationship, and when things don't work out, then it just doesn't work out. You're incompatible. We were incompatible from the beginning, yet there was still some hope that things would work. But if you're incompatible from the beginning, it's best to not start anything. If you just break it off, earlier the better. But I can tell you, it's easier said than done.
In this particular break up, I knew it would be a bad idea to go to his house and do it alone. It would just be bad face to face. He had a bad temper, and it's either his way or the highway. I was not sure what he was capable of doing, and I did not want to find out. I certainly wanted to be alive after I broke up. So I invited a girl friend to my house and told her my plan. I was going to do it via the phone. Normally I wouldn't break up with people over the phone. I always told myself that's the chicken way out. But it really depends on the situation. If you're dealing with an abuser, you want very little contact with that person. We had to discuss and plan everything out on paper to remind me. When I made the phone call, I don't remember what I said, but what I do remember is him trying to manipulate me once again. Guilt trip me, make me feel like I'm the one who was at fault for everything. My girl friend was by my side listening in, and writing notes, circling everything on the paper, and telling me to not cave in.
This was someone who supposedly cared for me, yet he would say mean things during our time together. The list below forms a variety of emotional abuse (verbal, rejection, put downs, being afraid, isolation, controlling money, bullying):
-You would be prettier with some make up on.
-Your mom's a bitch. And your brother's crazy.
-Your friend (so and so) wastes so much money. Why do you even bother hanging out with him/her? Such a bad influence.
-Your friend (so and so) is so annoying. I can't stand being around her.
-You can give me back my keys, and you can go f*ck yourself.
-Oh, look at her boobs. *every time we walked by a billboard promoting a woman and her bra*
-A boob job costs only this much. I would totally pay for it if you wanted one (excuse me, are you trying to imply something?!)
-Your religion is crazy. This is why I don't like going out with religious people.
-Why are you so weird?
-F*ck off
-When he tells me how to manage MY money.
-Being afraid to talk about something, for the fear of being yelled at or ridiculed because it happened before on various occasions.
If you ever experience stuff like that being said to you by your partner, those are NOT normal things. Get yourself out of that situation. Get help. When it comes to the break up point, don't do it alone. Always have a back up with you in cases of emergencies.
There are different ways to end a relationship, but one thing I do recommend people do, is to NOT go to one's house alone, when no one else is there. Let's go back to Lauren's case. If she had at least told her friends she was going there, and to have them as back up, she may have well still be alive today. Or if she had met him in a public place, with her friends around just to be safe. Then again, no one expected this to happen. I believe Lauren did not tell her friends where she was going that night because 1) she didn't want them to worry, 2) she didn't want backlash from them, 3) she figured she can help him become a better person if she saw him one to one because he still cared and trusted her. And this is how compassionate people think. They don't want to cause trouble or worry amongst friends and family, and figured things will be solved if it's a one to one session. The last thing on one's mind is to think about being killed.
I believe the emotional abuse and manipulation all stems from too many differences between a couple. When a couple is not on the same track in life, have very different goals in life or being chronic liars, always getting into arguments and never a proper solution, it will bring one side to become abusive. Once it becomes very abusive, it becomes difficult for the abused to leave the relationship. When you start to hear the negative words said to you every single day, you eventually become used to it and think it's normal. So you shrug it off. But it isn't normal. Eventually, all that negativity will start eating at you from the inside and tear you apart. One little argument can explode, and that's when things can become dangerous. There have been many cases where the partner has absorbed so much abuse, that they act out and kill their partners. Then they get sent to jail for life. It's not always the abuser that can murder, but the abused if they hit the point of no return. It's very sad.
After Lauren's case, her family and friends founded the Lauren Dunne Astley Memorial Fund, to raise awareness of breakup violence, and to also live out her legacy. Elon University also held a memorial for her in May during the graduation ceremony for the Class of 2015: to recognize one of their fallen. Lauren would have graduated university this year.
For more information about the organization, visit Lauren Astley Memorial Fund
Rest in peace beautiful lady.
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So what have I learned and what are some key things to absorb?
1) Don't ever rush yourself into any relationship. Who cares if all your friends have girlfriends or boyfriends, or are getting married and having kids? Be happy for them that they found their match. But don't ever rush yourself to be with someone just so you can tell people you're with someone. It's better to be single for the rest of your life, than be with the wrong person and be miserable for the rest of your life.
2) Relationships take A LOT of work. It's not just about having the status of a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's involving all your emotions, time, commitment, money, family, friends, career. Everything.
3) If you see many differences from the very beginning of a relationship with a person, or you are not compatible with each other, it's best to not even start a long-term relationship with that person. You're wasting your time, and you're also wasting that person's time.
4) Don't ever think you can change someone completely when you start dating them, because they won't ever change. They are who they are. So if you don't like them the first time you're with them, don't even think about trying to change them because it won't happen. They will change only if they want to change.
5) Manipulation and guilt-tripping is not normal in a relationship. As soon as you sense that, don't ever think you're crazy because you're not. Trust your gut feeling. Hurtful words and guilt-trips will NOT make you a better person. They will destroy you completely.
6) When a partner tells you that if you guys break up, they would commit suicide. And this is in the very beginning when you first date. Yeah, that's a sign you should RUN FAST.
7) It has been said to observe how your potential partner treats their family and friends (AND also your family and friends). If they treat them like crap, don't expect him/her to treat you like an angel. It can range from how they speak to each other, to how they treat each other and how they all deal with various situations. If they are always angry, violent and swearing a lot, that's not a good sign. If they are always quiet and never talk to anyone, or isolate themselves or have no friends, that's also another red flag.
8) It is normal for one to feel jealous here and there, but jealousy that involves giving people death stares whenever they look at your spouse, and become threatening is not normal. One that doesn't allow you to have friends of the opposite-sex is a huge red flag. If someone looked at my partner, I wouldn't take a knife and poke them in the eye. I would be proud of my man, and I'd show him off proudly. That's how men should react. Be proud of your woman and embrace her, but don't look at them as an object or trophy wife. And definitely don't start fights with random people off the streets. Huge no-no. That would be a pre-requisite to hitting your partner in the face later on.
9) If you ever go through a bad break-up (or any break-up for that matter), NEVER meet the person at their place or yours alone. I definitely recommend meeting in a public place, or have your friends nearby. If you can, drive your own car. Don't let them pick you up. Or ask a friend to drop you off and have them on standby. If it's really bad, just do it over the phone. Don't ever accept meeting in a secluded area to "have a peaceful talk". Always think the worst case scenario because your mind will be on guard. It doesn't matter if that person's an angel during the relationship. It has come to the break up point, and I'm pretty sure the angelic side won't be showing.
10) Don't ever take your friends for granted. Good friends are hard to come by and take years to develop. Embrace and honour them, because they will be there for you through thick and thin. They may not like that you're suffering through a bad relationship or bad break up, but they will always be there to support you. So be honest to them and tell them you need their guidance and help. There is no need to feel embarrassed in asking for help.
11) Don't take your family for granted. Parents are always annoying and always nag when they don't like your girlfriend or boyfriend, but they can see everything. They do it because they care. Yes, you need to live life and experience heartbreaks yourself, but it's crazy how smart parents are. In the end, they care about you and just want the best for their kids.
There was a case where a girl and her mom were very close (the dad had died when the girl was young). They were inseparable. The girl eventually met an older guy who wooed her. She felt happy and introduced him to mom. The mom had no issue with him until one day he was invited over for dinner, and they were having a conversation when the guy did not agree about something, and he slammed his fist on the table. That's when the mom felt concerned for her daughter and tried to tell her to break it off with him. The girl wouldn't listen. The more she hung out with the guy, the more she was influenced that her mom was the bad person. They came up with a plan to kill her, and that's what happened. The guy had told her to do it, and he would be the getaway driver. In trial, the guy denied being involved and said it was the girl's idea. They were both convicted of murder and sentenced to life imprisonment with no chance of parole. Now she has no parents, and the guy she supposedly fell in love with manipulated her and set her up for murder. She will spend the rest of her life in prison thinking about what she did.
If you are going through emotional, physical, or sexual abuse in a relationship, you need to seek immediate professional help, or confide in a very good friend about the situation. It's not an easy thing to do, but I can tell you there is nothing wrong in confiding or asking for help. You are doing it for yourself and for your own well-being. Remember that all those negative words don't make you a better person. They will destroy you over time. And once it destroys you, it becomes very hard to get back your old self. You need to get away from the source of the abuse. Stay at a friend or family member's house. Do not tell the abuser the whereabouts of yourself. Some abusers, depending how unstable they are, will start to stalk and make threats to everyone to find out the whereabouts of their spouse. When it escalates to that point, authorities need to be called. Do not wait. Threats like that need to be taken seriously.
If you know of a friend or family member who is in an abusive relationship, you need to reach out to them. Let them know that you're there to help. They may refuse or deny that there is a problem, but if the signs are clearly there, they need professional help. Even giving them a contact for professional help works as well. But also telling them you as a friend are there for support, it helps them as well. They may not see it right away (it can take years before they finally realize they're being abused), but when it comes to leaving the abusive relationship, they will know that you were with them all along for support. And that's what good friends and family do.
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