2021

 I'm late to the 2021 game but Happy New Year. Yes, very late.

Yes, still alive and kicking. Yes, still working through this pandemic. Yes, probably burning out but I never have time to sit down and think about whether or not I'm burnt out. 

I hope everyone is staying safe and sane during this pandemic. Just like the rest of you, I'm sick and tired of it and want this to be over with. With more than a year of it, this pandemic has stretched out our resources within the hospitals.

And for those who say "well, you chose this profession, so deal with it" let me tell you a few things. NO ONE chooses a profession based on the chances of a pandemic happening. NO ONE asked for a pandemic to happen. NO ONE chooses to risk their lives and health to work with COVID patients. I wish I could be working from home, like some of you lucky people out there who complain it's so boring to look at 4 walls everyday. YOU have the choice to take a break and step outside for some air, or go for a walk around your neighbourhood. I WISH I could do that but I can't. I can't just drop my things and leave my patients and say, see you in an hour, I'm going for a walk. I chose to help people and yes, it does come with certain risks and sacrifices. But nothing to this point where the government doesn't stand behind you while you risk your life everyday. I DIDN'T CHOOSE THAT. 

For those who say this pandemic is a government conspiracy and that COVID is not real, I wish you could take a walk through the ICU hallways to see what is happening. Walking through the closed down surgery unit (because they scaled back on non urgent cases) DOES NOT COUNT as "empty units". NO. TAKE A WALK THROUGH THE DAMN ICU. The nurses, doctors, respirologists, pharmacists, housekeeping team..you name it. They have worked non stop throughout this pandemic and risk their lives (some even losing their lives) just to keep patients alive while your ass is sitting down at home in front of the TV, listening to some social media BS from Tik Tok users. The biggest slap in the face is for you to go out to the rest of the world and declare this virus a joke and fake. 

With the variants of concerns dominating our current cases, it is no surprise that distribution centres are going through terrible outbreaks, affecting the factory workers and essential workers overall. We are seeing the young in ICU (30-50's) and they are not making it out. Those who have not been vaccinated because they didn't qualify based on the government's essential list. Those who are essential but refused the vaccine. Those are the ones who are packing the ICUs. 

Even in our program. Our current cases are those who refused vaccination. Those who have said they didn't believe in the virus, they didn't believe in the vaccine, and that they would never get the virus. Well guess what? Living in multi-generation households, their family members ended up testing positive, which resulted in our patients getting the virus. Some are not doing so well because of their co-morbidities. I will be straightforward about this but sometimes it takes a real tragedy to open people's eyes.

Have I had the chance to sit down and reflect on the past year? To be honest, NO. There is no time to sit down and reflect. There is no time to even feel burnt out. I have a feeling I am burnt out because some days I come home, shower, and I pass out. I don't wake up until the night time and I've missed dinner. The cycle repeats about a week later. And it's been like this for over a year. So yes, I am tired but I must live too. 

Anyways, enough about this pandemic.

2021 started off bitter-sweet. It was a brand new fresh start for me, not having to look back to the past. I became much more happier, more freedom, much less stress in the head about my life. Maybe it was difficult in the beginning but things eventually got better.

Sometimes it takes other people's presence to finally realize that you deserve better. And that's what I realized. It was a good start for me. 

I began to focus on myself, my health, my faith. My faith. Something that I have not worked on for the past 5 years. It's difficult when those around you don't share the same faith and don't encourage you to work on your faith. It becomes a huge challenge. So I'm back on the road, taking it a step at a time to get back to where I was 5 years ago. 

I splurged on my first pair of heels (will be my next post yay). Still trying to learn to walk in them. When I mean heels, I mean first pair of stilettos. I'm still afraid of them, but I'm trying to get past this fear now. It's only taken 30 something years to finally try and not be scared.

Aside from that, because of this darn pandemic and "lockdown" rules, there really isn't much we can do. Can't really visit friends or go to the movie theatre. Everything is so different now. But going for a drive is also helpful. I've been enjoying the car, but unfortunately now I have to go for servicing. Never had an issue over the years because I don't drive like a maniac. But since it was driven last summer too aggressively, the alignment is completely off. Great. Got to pay to play, even if someone else sort of ruins your car. 

Hopefully my next post won't be until next year. Stay tuned!