So now it's Fall...Reflection time 2021

Every time I revisit my page, I forget it's been months if not years from my last post. I'm terrible at updating. Still alive and kicking.

I remember when I told myself 2021 would be my year. And so far, it's been AMAZING. Stress-free, worry-free. Hang out with my family and friends. It's been quite nice. 

Summer 2021 was quite amazing. I made sure to not waste this summer on dumb people and spend it on those who I truly care about. Enjoy life and enjoy the summer without working like a madwoman. Ok, maybe I did still work like a mad woman. However, I made sure to not pile my schedule like crazy with work and still took my weekends off to explore Ontario with family and friends. I felt that summer was just way too short. Wish the summer weather would keep continuing.

You know that feeling when you've committed x amount of years with someone and hoped for the best, hoped for a great future but as the years dragged on, it just wasn't meant to be? Yeah, it's a crappy feeling for sure. You feel it's such a waste of time and energy. But there's always a reason why that person was there in the first place. I can't say for every case what that person's goal was in your life, but to me it made me realize that I shouldn't settle for less. Especially when they don't have the same spiritual goals or overall life goals as you. As time goes on, you just hope for the best but in the end it wasn't meant to be. It also made me realize to trust my gut feelings. Don't ever fight your feelings. You may keep telling yourself everything will be fine, but when that internal feeling is screaming at you, that's not a good thing. I also realized I was never really assertive enough. I was just too nice. I put people first, making them all happy and not realizing I was making myself miserable. This is the hardest lesson to learn. 

My biggest lesson learnt: if your potential in laws cannot accept who you are based on your race or religion, or what you look like - you better make sure you truly love that person to fight for them. That person has to fight for you as well. Otherwise it's not worth it. My view has changed now, in that if they do not like me, then oh well. Because I'm not going to prove to anyone that I'm a nice girl. You will see it through my actions already. You don't need any further proof. But if I have to start changing who I am to make them happy, then that's not who I am. I'm just faking my way through. There's no more "just do it and make them happy". No sis. Don't do that bullshit. If you have to do something to make others happy to save face, then that's not who you are. It wasn't meant to be. You should only do things because you want to do it, not because others told you what to do.

I'm definitely still recovering, and I have had some pretty bitter moments. But I do remind myself that I am in a much better place than I was a year ago, or 2 years ago, heck maybe even 3-4 years ago. I'm happier. I see my friends more often now. I get out of the house more often. I try to drive more now, go on more cruises. It's been quite refreshing. Life is good.

I don't get as many questions now about "why aren't you married yet" or "don't you want any kids?" "why are you wasting your life away?" 

First of all, I'm not grabbing any random stranger off the street and marrying them. I don't believe in arranged marriages or blind dates. Plus, you don't need to be married to be successful in life. Kids. Right. Touchy subject for some people. But growing up, I never intended to have any kids. I never pictured myself as a mother and still don't. That's who I am, and that will probably never change. I'm definitely not wasting my life away considering how busy I am in my professional life. I enjoy it, although it does have its challenges and burn out moments. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. I never dreamt of working 2 jobs in my life, but it's been quite rewarding and I always set a yearly goal: to surpass last year's salary. So far I have not failed in that goal. 

Am I a loser? A failure at life? An Asian leftover?

Let me tell you one thing. The more bad relationships one goes through, the harder it is to settle with anyone because expectations are now very high and unattainable. So no, I don't see myself as a failure in life, nor a left over, or a loser. In fact, I see myself as a hot commodity, and if no man is willing to get to know me or work with me in life, then that's his loss. At this point, I don't want to waste anymore time on guys who cannot think for themselves or cannot detach themselves from their parents. I'm not there to fix anyone. I spend my entire career trying to fix people, and the last thing I want to do is fix someone when I come home. No thanks.

This girl is living the single life like I'm high on methamphetamine. 

And this goes out to any of you who have gotten out of a long term relationship. Don't rush yourselves. Don't start dating right away. Don't run back to your ex. Don't do those dumb things. As soon as you rush into another relationship, you will regret it and you will also hurt that innocent person. Just don't do it. I have been told to try online dating, and my response is: no thanks. I don't want to get raped or killed by some ugly dude who looks like Frodo. Some people do find their soulmates via online dating and good for them! But I say the majority on there are there for a quick bang and that's it. I don't have time to waste on that, so you won't see me there. But please, do let me know if you come across my face on a profile. I can guarantee you that's not me though.

Maybe some day I will find someone, maybe not. Who knows. I don't want to give up on love but my past experiences have made me almost doubt if human love exists anymore. The more I seek, the more I find non-compatible partners. I've stopped looking and if one day love finds me, then may that be the happiest and blessed moment of my life.

Onto the next....

Epic training. For those who have used the Epic system, I don't know how you guys and girls handled it in the beginning. I have heard good things about it once people know how to use it. Unfortunately for me, we haven't gotten there yet. So to keep things a bit short, I was selected by the leadership team to represent my department and be a super user for this program. Prior to the go-live date, I, along with other selected members, am responsible in testing various department computers and to report to IT on the success or failures of this system. You may be wondering why the IT is not doing this and why a random nurse or manager was selected? I guess because IT is also short on staff. But the rest of us will be using the system everyday, so this is also why we were selected to test. None of us were trained to use this system, yet we are now told to go test every computer in a given time frame. 

It has been a chaotic experience as we have to be committed to this job on top of our everyday job. Which means my job gets pushed back, and it means backlog work. The worst is when your coworker goes off on vacation and you're left to cover the entire program's issues, as well as do this Epic testing. I believe I can feel myself actually burning out now. I would've thought the pandemic would burn me out, but no, it's THIS! 

So yes, this is totally keeping me busy. I can't imagine if I was still in a relationship while trying to juggle this. I would never hear the end of it. So the fact that I'm NOT in a relationship, at least I can just come home and sleep.

My next thought...

I was aiming to wear my Louboutin heels to my cousin's wedding last month. However, that plan failed. Even after trying to break those heels in, walking around the house in them, stuffing socks in them. I couldn't do it. And I'm thankful I didn't because that ceremony location, from the parking lot to the venue was a long walk in itself. My feet would've died. I'm not sure when I will get a chance to wear them in public, but let's hope it's a place where I don't have to walk very much.

Speaking of shoes, I had bought these cute flats from Winners back in 2015 in Vancouver when I had that presentation. It was such a find, as it was my first time shopping with my managers, and one of them suggested them for me. They cost only $10! They were my pride and joy. Sad thing is, over the years because they were so comfortable and I kept wearing them, they did wear out and had split at the front. But I kept wearing it! Eventually they were a bit too embarrassing to wear to work, considering the position I am in. But I just couldn't get rid of them. It had that much sentimental value to me. 

Wearing the Loub flats and kitty flats to work took a toll on my feet. Also on their soles. So I knew I had to find another casual pair of flats to wear to work.

I did try searching Winners again, but unfortunately did not find any cute flats. I tried Walmart but same thing. Eventually I settled with Brown's shoes, which carries various brands. I had an eye for Michael Kors flats. I did tell myself I would never buy anything MK. However, the flats were too cute to not resist. I wish they had cost $10 but this was more like 15x the price. They are also super comfortable. The only downside? My feet are very weird. My right foot is slightly shorter than my left so every time I walk in flats, my right shoe feels like flying off. Can you imagine asking a shoe store to give your left foot size 9 but give your right foot a 8.5? They would kill me.

Anyways, I guess that's what shoe stickies are for. Thankfully I have some at home and can just put it in the back of the shoe to somewhat extend my feet forward. With the Loubs, it still feels tight in both feet. So weird indeed.

MK is now my daily and I have officially retired my Winners. Thank you little cute flats.

Stay tuned for my next rant/reflection (not sure when that will be...hopefully not next year!).