If you have been following my blog over the past decade, I had written about several fraudsters in the GTA on one of those posts back in the day. Feel free to scroll back and read, and be aware of the fraudsters because they're still out there.
Today won't be a post about an actual fraudster, but instead, I'll be talking about red flags in people. This is just my own personal experience over the years dealing with various people who had wronged me or led me to believe they were who they say they were, but were not (does this make sense?). I know it also takes two to tango in a relationship or friendship, and I believe that when two people are not meant to be together, they could exhibit red flags to each other, which makes the relationship even more toxic than it already is.
We all have our preferences and opinions on what we want in relationship partners, in friendships, in business partners. It's what makes us who we are, our identity. But when someone comes along trying to change your identity, that's not the right partnership. That's coercive control, which is one of the signs of narcissistic behaviour.
This is not everything I've had to deal with, but some of the key ones I have compiled over the years to remind myself that this is not any type of loving behaviour.
"I should date them because they're so hot" - Umm no, that's a horrible reason to want to date a person. I find that the hot dudes are the ones who cheat the most because they know they're hot and will use that to their advantage. This goes with chicks too. So unless you're ok with dating a serial cheater, then I would avoid at all costs.
"I'll go to church, but only if you're open minded about getting a boob job" - wait huh? What does going to church have to do with a boob job? This one is so strange but it was actually mentioned. I invited you to church, because that's a part of my faith and is important to me. I respect your views, yet you can't respect mine. It was an open invitation to attend, not mandatory. But hey, I got my answer.
"All your friends/family are too much. I can't handle them." (or anything that states your family is crazy, nitpicking your friends, I don't want to be around them and neither should you) - this is a form of narcissistic behaviour (and I know so many people throw that word around), but this is one that will gradually pull you away from the ones who actually care about you, until you have no support around you except for that one partner who will end up controlling you. You end up in isolation. Don't ever let it get to that point.
"You're weird, can you stop being like that? You're an embarrassment" - once again, manipulating to make you believe you're the problem, and you're the one who needs to fix it. I have both seen and experienced when someone says that to you, you immediately shut down. You never want to do anything silly again, and part of your inner child dies.
"I know I'm jobless right now, but don't worry, I will get back to it" (but not actually working for months to a year and not doing anything to try and look for a job) - this is lazy, and a user. I was so lucky to have met not just one but TWO of them. Now I understand what Taylor Swift's reference is in The Man. I definitely felt like a man during those times.
Blaming you for all the problems and never taking any responsibility for any of their own wrong-doings. And of course getting angry at you for it. Would you want to be with someone who blames the world except themselves? AND be angry at you that you can't even talk any sense into them?
Convincing you to move halfway across the city, far from your family, friends and workplace, all because he's an only child living with his parents. Not only that, but convincing you to "trial" it first for 2 years, and if it doesn't work, then we can find another place. But don't worry, he will drive you to work everyday, or you're allowed to 407 it to get to work faster. In old school tradition, that would be seen as untraditional and a blasphemy. Your body and your life isn't like test driving a car. No commitment? Then no moving homes. Sorry lads, it don't work like that. You either compromise together and find a middle ground, or split ways.
Convincing you to have a child (when you don't want a child), and then convincing you to take time off work for couple of years to do a masters degree. First off, no job will hold onto a position for that long. You either work, or get fired. And I'm not doing a stay at home parent duty. This isn't a communicative compromise. This is a one way demand.
Playing the silent treatment game. This is never healthy. No one is a mind reader. You're mad and want to be left alone? Say it. You're upset with something I said 5 months ago? You should've told me 5 months ago, not now.
How they treat their mother/father/siblings/wait staff. Huge red flag if they treat all of them with disrespect. I have seen the way moms were treated - with loud yelling, constantly making fun of their moms. I have witnessed the way how things were said to wait staff. The privilege, the tantrums because you didn't get to sit where you wanted to sit, the way the oil was not delivered on time/separately in a container so they wouldn't eat. That's a man child. What makes you think they won't treat you the same down the road (if not now)?
Promising a forever future, with all these great life plans. But it never happened in the timeline that was promised. Why promise something if you're not going to do it? Don't make promises you can't keep.
I'm going to (insert whatever job duty), but never actually doing it. Again, don't make promises you can't keep. If you're going to do the laundry, do the laundry. If you're going to pick up the milk, go pick up the milk from the store. But don't say you'll do it, and not do it.
Lying about your job, your parents, your current girlfriend (or boyfriend). In short, a chronic liar. Why you lying bro? You think people won't notice when you lie about your age by 10 years? Who you trying to fool?
Forcing you to be someone you're not. Don't ever change for anyone, especially if it's part of your personality and identity. You will end up losing yourself and your identity with time.
Not being able to express your thoughts and feelings freely without being judged. This is what kills most relationships. If you cannot express anything to your partner, without feeling like they're going to be offended or yell at you, this is not a healthy relationship. The feeling of not being wanted or heard by your partner will lead to extramarital affairs, and that's how cheating always begins.
Never apologizing for any wrongdoings. Over the years, I apologized for things that I didn't do, just because I didn't want to fight. The other person? Never apologized once. It's like they're the perfect person everyone wanted to be around. If you know you made a mistake, own up to it and apologize. If anything, it makes you the bigger person. It's called accountability. If you're not accountable for your mistakes (small or big), then that just shows your true character.
The scary part is...the list goes on. If you're having to walk on eggshells around the person who is suppose to love you the most, that's not love. That's anxiety inducing. The body is never suppose to live with anxiety forever. Your body should never be in fight or flight mode 24/7.
Which is why anyone who gives you butterflies in your stomach, you should not go any further with that person - as a friend, as a lover. Just FULL STOP.
Stay safe this month, and beware of the red flags.
