1 Year Memory

It's the end of November. Less than a month away till Christmas. Can't believe it.

A lot has happened lately. Well, kind of.

Last week was a brutal week. Not only was it the start of my 2 job scheduling madness where I pretty much work 60 hours or more per week combined, but it was also the one year memorial mark of M's passing.

This entire year has been depressing and sad. It was the year of "firsts" that he wasn't here, so it was tough to deal. There were a lot of mental meltdowns, and flashbacks of his last day. It kept replaying over and over in my head until I couldn't handle it and broke down.

I started the week off as a wreck. It was a gloomy, rainy day weather-wise. As the day progressed, the sun never came out. The gloomy weather definitely set me off into my sad phase where I would get flashback memories of M's last day and then break down. It would be on a repeat cycle for the rest of the day until I went to work.

Going to work is like a break from the emotional world. My brain was focused on making a difference in the healthcare world, and when people gave me a pat on the back for a job well done, I felt good.

But once I got home, it was the emotional train wreck all over again because all those memories started coming back. The next few days were an improvement though. The weather got better too, and I noticed my emotions were better than day 1.

On the eve of his passing, I had a dream.

I dreamt I was watching an old video of him walking around and then jumping on my lap, then laying down on me. I started caressing his fur and laughing.

Then suddenly, it's like one of those inception things. I got immersed into the video. I could feel his warmth and fur, hear his purrs and meow. It felt like I was actually there with him. The video itself was not very long, so I knew I didn't have much time to be with him.

I remember saying I miss you, I love you, everything will be ok. I gave him a big hug. And he meowed and looked at me. Then he had to jump down from my lap, and go. His other kitty friends were waiting for him.

Then I cried, and I kept crying.

And then I woke up.

It really set off my emotions for the next day or two because that dream was always on my mind. From what others have said, I looked pretty upset and sad at the same time.

Mom noticed something was off and thought it was because something happened at work. But I told her it wasn't work related. She thought it was bad friends, but I said no, not that. She kept prying. Eventually I told her about the dream. After I told her, I cried again. She seemed really sad too because I know she really misses him.

She then told me that he's an angel now, that he's looking out for us. He came to visit me in my dreams to tell me he's ok, that he's free. That I shouldn't be sad. But I am always sad because he's not here.

Lately I tried having positive flashbacks of him: the first day that I took him home when I was 10. That out of all the kitties at the adoption agency, I chose him. The quiet one. The one that was hiding behind all the kitties. There was just something about him when I saw him, that I knew he was the one for us.

My brother and dad always made fun of me for choosing such a chicken kitty, because he was always afraid of everything. But he was a smart cat. And we grew to love him each and every day for the rest of his life. He was our world, and we were his entire world.

I have a hard time accepting still, maybe because I did choose him to come home with us. I chose him, grew up with him, gone through my teenage years with him by my side, had many life milestones with him by my side. It felt like it was taken away too soon.

I haven't had a dream about him for a long time. That's why I found it interesting that on the eve of his passing, I had a dream about him. I find that I usually dream about whatever I was thinking of during the day or right before I sleep. But that night my mind was clear. I wasn't thinking about anything. Just watching a TV show and fell asleep. Nothing related to cats.

I believe that M came to briefly visit me in my dream almost a year later after he passed, to let me know that he's ok. I'm not sure if I will ever have similar dreams in the future. I hope so. Because I really miss him, and I don't want him to forget about me.  I just hope one day when I pass, I will be able to see him again.