Anxiety?

How many of you experience anxiety? I would think pretty much all of us have had an episode of anxiety at least once in our lives.

It is normal for us to react when life throws us curve balls (for example, trying to study for that test that you need to pass in order to get your license). Man, it can be nerve-wrecking!

But what happens if anxiety is here, everyday in our life, and there is nothing you can do to stop it?

I've been trying to do some reading to see what category I fall under. Call me the Google Doctor because, hey, we've all done that once in our lives too. Self-diagnoses.

I've had random anxiety episodes depending on what I was experiencing in life: work, interview, exams, first date. The usual stuff. They always go away after I get a result and then I feel better. But this feeling, it feels way different.

Let me break it down for you on what I've noticed:

November 2015. The month that never was the same ever again. When M died, it was like my world collapsed. I couldn't think. I couldn't concentrate. I just kept being sad, cried, and blamed myself for not helping him. A few days prior to his passing, mom had noticed his breathing was a bit off. She's mostly always home with him so she was able to tell right away something seemed a bit off. She asked me if I noticed anything.

I said maybe a little, but nothing too concerning.

He had positioned himself in a way that allowed him to breathe a bit better. But nonetheless at that time, I was preoccupied with other pressing issues that I didn't get to really notice huge differences.

Few days later, he passed from congestive heart failure. The breathing was a sign of CHF.

To this day, I still feel that guilt that I was unable to save him earlier. The "what if" we had gotten him earlier and started medications to help him? Lots of what ifs. And it eats away at me every single day.

After his passing, it really made me fear losing my loved ones. I worried about them everyday. What if I went to work and then never saw them again? What if they went shopping and something happened to them on the way there? What if they never got back from their party? What if what if what if. It was endless.

I would get flashbacks to M's last moments, of him struggling to breathe, and hearing his last breath. I would have an emotional and mental meltdown because of that flashback. It would replay over and over again each time I went through something worrisome. I would cry, feel guilty, cry some more and eventually recovery momentarily. Then carry on with the rest of the day to the best of my ability.

It has been an endless cycle since November 2015. I thought time would heal. Maybe it's not time yet but the flashbacks come and go. There is no specific trigger that leads to flashbacks. They just happen. Sometimes I would be arguing with a friend or family member, and then the flashback would come. There are many times I would try to sleep at night, and the flashbacks happen. Then I'd cry and it would be hard to fall asleep because it's on my mind.

Flashbacks happen at work too. I could be sitting there, doing my job, talking to clients, then get a flashback and then I'd burst into tears. I try to hide it though because I don't want people to see me in tears. But it happens. One time we talked about family and how much it meant to him. That triggered my anxiety about my parents.

I took a second job for many reasons. To prove that it was possible to have a full time and part time job. To show that I was capable of handling it. To get more experience. To compare my experiences in two different corporations. To gain more knowledge in various corporations. To make more money.

What I haven't told people is that I did it to keep my mind busy from all the sad thoughts I experience on a daily basis. To direct my mind to something else.

However, I could work 5 jobs and still be in the exact same position: flashbacks, anxiety, mental meltdown. Why is that?

Because of guilt. I have accepted that M is no longer here anymore. But I haven't accepted that there was nothing I could do. I still have that guilt that I could've done something, or wished I could've done something earlier like listened to mom and followed up on her concern.

But I didn't. Because I was preoccupied with another problem, and trying to solve that problem.

The only thing I can try to compare it to is your loved one collapses on the floor, from a cardiac arrest. You can stand there and watch the life slip away from them, or you jump in and start compressions right away. And you keep doing it until that person comes back to life. When I think of the situation, I felt that I was the person who just stood there and didn't do anything until the last minute. Nothing was done until the last minute, when it was too late.

Everyone has told me there was nothing I could have done to prevent his death. That he was just old and suffered "old people problems" so it was that time to go. Even if I took him in a few days earlier, he wouldn't have survived for long. I understand that. The problem in my eyes is the action of doing something. It's the lack of action. If I had taken him a few days prior to get him checked out, maybe just MAYBE something could've been done. That's an action. THE action that I SHOULD'VE done.

If I had done that and looked back at it, I wouldn't feel as guilty because I knew I tried my best to save him but couldn't. This is the underlying issue.

Nowadays I worry a lot about family. About losing them, or losing friends. I worry about housing prices. I worry about my jobs. I worry about not being a good parent. I worry about not being a good wife. My life is now surrounded by worry.

Those who do know me know I'm a worrisome person. I apologize a lot even though I don't have to. But this has consumed me for the past year. I know it's not my normal behaviour.

I've noticed I've felt more sad. Not depressed. I don't feel suicidal or have any suicidal thoughts. But I definitely do feel sad because I've lost M. The sadness and guilt have consumed me to the point that I worry about the loved ones around me on a daily basis. And it's all I ever think about.

My sleep has been all over the place. Could be due to my shift work hours too, but as mentioned above, when I try to sleep, I start to worry and then a meltdown occurs. There have been times that I could feel my heart racing. Normally my resting heart rate is about 50-60 beats per minute. When I get those anxiety attacks, it doubles. My blood pressure is on the low side (about 95 to 105 systolic with a diastolic of anywhere between 55-65). If it goes to 115/75 or even 120, that's when I can feel my body stressed out. It might seem low to people, but I've been blessed with the lower end of the normal blood pressure range, so that is considered high to me unfortunately. I just start to feel unwell. Thankfully blood pressure has been ok, but it's the heart rate that I've noticed has increased lately.

If someone were to ask me how my sleep has been lately, I will answer not very well. I go to bed at 4am, sometimes close to 5am, and wake up at 11am or 12pm, eat then go to work. Or I stay in bed all day and not do anything except Netflix. I'm always tired, yet my natural adrenaline keeps me going.

I used to enjoy and look forward to doing things, but it hasn't happened this past year. Sure yeah shopping trips help. But I'd look online first to see if I like anything. If I find something, I'll go and pick it up. Then head straight back home. I don't enjoy walking around the mall anymore. It's like a chore to me these days.

I haven't seen many friends lately. Most likely because everyone's busy. And probably because I haven't taken the initiative to ask for a get together. But it is Christmas season. There are gatherings. I have seen pictures. I'm always working. They just don't know what battle I'm fighting because I didn't reach out to them. I don't want to tell them because I don't want pity from people.

If I could self diagnose myself, it would most likely be Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I used to think people just came up with these disorders, naming them just for the heck of it. But now that I'm sort of in that position, I can understand. It is manageable, treatable. I refused to take medications because what pill can fix my guilt? None. It all comes down to my thinking and accepting that I'm not guilty. Maybe talking to people about it. Heck, even writing about it so when I reread, I can see myself from a reader's perspective. I have to not let the guilt consume me. Once I can accept that, it will help me with the rest.

Just have to take it a step at a time.

Christmas: part 2

So Christmas has come and gone so quick. Honestly, it didn't even feel like Christmas. Gone were the days of extreme excitement of counting down to open gifts, of looking forward to giving gifts to each other.

Nowadays, it's blah.

I'm not sure what happened in between or whether it's just part of growing up. That we grow out of that kid phase of becoming so excited for Christmas. And now we pass on the excitement to the next generation, and watch them become immersed in happiness and excitement to see what they got for Christmas.

Friends and I used to buy gifts for each other, but as we got older and responsibilities (eg. mortgage) became number one, we all agreed that it wasn't necessary to buy gifts for each other. And we made it really clear that no one was allowed to buy anything for anyone.

So that left family. The little ones of course I had to get something. I think it's still important to have the little ones receive a gift at the end of the year. In a way I see it as:

1) Teaches them patience. You tell them they have to wait until the 25th to open gifts. Make them wait. Do whatever you can to make them wait. Eventually they start to learn this pattern and can apply it to life as well. Patience.

2) Appreciation. No matter what they get as a gift, they learn to start appreciating the little things they have.

Those are the two main ones I can think of that is of importance, that they can apply to everyday life.

I still remember (and even kids these days), we all want the latest gadget or the latest "in" item. If you didn't get it, then you were a "loser" or didn't have cool enough parents. I remember one year in elementary school, it was the era of Nintendo 64, Playstation consoles. One of my friends knew he was getting a console for Christmas and was super excited. That year, I saw a dog plushie and asked for it, and got it. I used it as a pillow. So when he asked what I got, I said a pillow. And he busted out laughing, "a pillow?!" Of course I had to explain it was a big stuffed dog, but I used it as a pillow. He thought I was crazy for getting excited over a pillow.

Kids are evil. They have to be taught what is good and what is bad, what is appropriate behaviour, what is a proper response etc. If they were all innocent and good from the day they were born, we wouldn't have to teach them good and bad. They would already know the good. But that's not reality. We know kids can be very cruel to one another. And that's how the bullying starts. When people say kids are innocent, they really aren't.

Going back to that example, it taught me to be humble of what I have, to be thankful, to be patient, and to appreciate what I had in life. My mom always says, give thanks to the Lord for He is good. He has provided the basics for us (food and shelter), and we need to be thankful each and every day, for having food on the table. Not everyone is lucky enough to have one or another, so we do our best and our part to help.

This Christmas, I didn't buy anything for anyone, except those closest to me. The rest went to donations, whether that be the food bank, or Toys for Tots.

Ever since M passed, I try to keep a practice of donating to various organizations. Christmas is the hardest because he was a gift into my life. If I could donate items to various organizations or money to ministries, I would do it and rotate in between.

I received gifts here and there, and I didn't really feel much. I appreciated the gesture, but something is just missing and I can't figure out what it is. I still feel empty even with these little things.

Money can buy lots of things, but money can't buy happiness. Money can't buy sanity. Money can't buy faith.

As we continue the last few days before 2017, I asked that you pray. Pray for those who were not as fortunate, pray for those who have lost loved ones, pray for those escaping war-torn areas, pray for the sick, pray for each other. Pray for the ones whose minds have become so dark that they are looking for an escape out, back to the light. Just pray.

Christmas 2016

Merry Christmas everyone.

It is belated, yes. Things have been insane lately.

Hope you all had a chance to spend time with your families and loved ones. May this season bring you all peace, love, forgiveness, salvation and joy.

Dreams...about exes?!

Everyone goes through weird dreams at one point or another. I don't mean ambitious dreams, but I mean nightmares/dreams in your sleep.

Our brain is a very interesting mass of muscle, tissue, fat, veins, arteries, nerves. We can't control what we dream about in our sleep, especially once we hit the REM part of the sleep cycle.

Sometimes if we're too stressed about something, we dream about it that same night. I find that when I'm really exhausted, I don't dream of anything. It's just 8-9 hours of blank space.

I think it was about 18 years ago (18!!!) that I dreamt about the Backstreet Boys. This was the time that BSB was doing worldwide tours and they were pretty much number 1 in everything. I had won a contest to hang out with them for the day and was allowed to invite a friend. They had this indoor playground (yeah, don't ask) similar to that of McDonald's, but it was a lot bigger. Big enough for adults to play and crawl around in.

Anyways, I remember we went on the tour bus with them, got to check out their studio for recording their songs, and got to check out their mansion that they were staying at. And I believe also a ride in their jet. Yeah, it was an amazing dream.

It was so amazing that the first night I dreamt, the dream wasn't finished when I woke up. I was disappointed. Truly disappointed because I wanted the journey to continue.

That same night, my dream had continued onwards until the end of the trip. That was the first and only time that I had a continuous dream on 2 separate nights. Never again did I have another dream like that. So I still remember it to this day, and how I was able to get so close to Nick Carter!

My other dream was when my mom decided to buy an Infiniti QX80. It's the ugliest SUV I've ever seen in my life, and in real life she would agree as well. But in this dream, for some odd reason, it was her dream vehicle that she thought would be best to carry the family around. We could use this for long road trips with family, it was so spacious and had all the latest gadgets. She was willing to buy it and keep it for as long as it would last.

Of course when I woke up and told her about it the next day and showed her a picture of the QX, she started laughing her butt off. Because she would never buy an ugly thing like that.

Then of course there was the dream about M. When he came alive in my dream, and I was able to spend that few precious moments with him before he went back to Rainbow Bridge with his friends. I'll never forget that one.

Now of course I've had many dreams over the years, and many of them I don't remember now because there were so many. I only really remember the recent dreams.

Has anyone ever had dreams about their exes? I have. It's not because I miss them, or think about them. It just happens I've had dreams about them. And like I mentioned before, we can't control what we dream about.

The longest relationship I've had was about 3.5 years. At that time I thought I would settle, everything is all dandy. But it wasn't the case. I broke it off, and never looked back. I do remember that a few months later, I got a text from him. Checking up to see how I was doing. Now this was after I was being spied on a few times because I was trying to move on. So of course I never replied back. To me, it was almost like a taunt.

But then again, part of you wonder are they really being genuine? Do they really care to know how you're doing? So many what ifs, but they will never get answered.

Anyways, I know I've had a few weird dreams about him. Some of it was about getting back together or catching up. I usually brush it off because he's moved on and so have I. Recently I had a dream about him again. This time, it felt like the dream lasted way too long. As if it lasted my entire sleep.

On a normal day basis I don't think about him, I don't think about the past. I don't keep in touch with him; haven't spoken to him since the day I said goodbye. I shouldn't be having dreams about something that I never think about. But I did. It was almost like a nightmare.

This time, the dream started off with me emailing him to see how he was doing. I didn't know if I would ever get a reply back. And guess what. He replied back! Said everything was fine. He was happily married and had a newborn, along with a cat. That was weird because in real life he was allergic to cats.

After a few emails back and forth, I noticed he had uploaded a group picture of us on Facebook, then had captioned MY name, and started making fun of my nose. In real life, I was never a fan of my nose. Some Asians have slightly bigger noses than others, and I guess I was never happy with mine. Maybe this was a sign of my fear?

This was when I got pissed off and emailed him back, asking what the hell he was doing. That after all this time, why would he do such a thing to make fun of me when I hadn't even done anything to him. That I would never do such a thing to him. After that he changed the caption to "hanging out with my precious princesses". Weird again.

Shortly after that, we both agreed mutually to meet up to see how we were doing with life etc. When we met up, he seemed happy. We joked about his newborn, and how tiring it was to raise kids because he never really wanted kids. Then he talked about adopting a cat because...I'm not sure why. I can't remember.

We laughed and joked, and that's when he leaned in to give me a kiss. SUPER WEIRD. The dream ended off with him saying "you know, your mom still needs to back off from your independence."

WEIRD.

I woke up in a jiffy. It was on my mind for a while. Not because I've dreamt of him cheating on his wife with me. Ew no thanks. But it bothered me because it was a reminder of him asking how I was doing, and I never replied back to him those years ago.

Dreams and reality. Sometimes it's hard to mix the both of them. There are times dreams are partially true, but most of the time they're just dreams. I did have a dream about an exam one time, that I got 54% which is considered a fail. In reality when I got my results, it was actually 54% (the passing grade was 60%) so I did fail that test and had to redo it. THAT blew my mind.

There are the exes that you never talk about. Then there are exes that you can get along with. Then there are the ones that you wonder how they're doing. I think out of my own "good will", I do wonder how they're doing. Especially the ones who you cut contact with. There will always be that one tiny bit of curiosity, to see how they're doing. In a way, they did help shape the person you've become today. They did care for you, they got to know you as a person, and perhaps at one point you were ready to settle with them.

But perhaps that's why it's called the past. That's why they call it moving on. It's just weird that I've had dreams about this particular person the most.

Maybe it's because I've been stressed at work lately too. Trying to get things done before Christmas. I just found out the big boss has put me in charge of the entire unit for the next few days. Something I didn't expect. Since last night, I've been working on the assignments and because of the opening of a new unit, names have been shifted and there's a huge area of error happening if I don't go through hundreds of names properly. I went home with a plan for Christmas eve: to get my staff out as early as possible.

Maybe...maybe I'm just stressed. But this weird dream had nothing to do with my real life stressors.

Anyways that was my weird dream as of late. I wish I could dream about Chanel bags instead, that I had won the lottery or something. Or save the world from all the bad people. But nope.

I just wish we could control what we dream about each night.

Kitty Flats

Now I feel weird posting this after my previous post. There was no plan to post one after another, because I am random and just going with the flow to whatever is on my mind.

When I went to Vegas and was doing window shopping back in April, I came across this store with a lot of kitty themed items. At first, I thought well that's kind of lame. Who would get that?

But since then, it's been at the back of my mind. I've never stopped thinking about it. I guess I'm one of those crazy cat ladies.

I ended up forgetting the company who makes the flats. And then I ended up forgetting about it all together at one point.

Eventually I found the company. Charlotte Olympia. Prior to my trip, I had no clue. I'm not a shoe person so I don't know what's out there in terms of what's in and what not. I don't wear heels because it takes forever to find proper shoes for my wide and big feet, so shoes were never part of my interests.

I went to the new Nordstrom here in Toronto for the first time and was doing my usual window shopping when....WHAT! KITTY FLATS! I DON'T HAVE TO ORDER IT ONLINE! YAY!

Alright so that was my 5 seconds of happiness right there. Then came the problem of finding my size. A 9.5 women's size. You'd think it would be easy in the right colour combination and what not. But nope, not many women have big feet like mine. Thanks to my family DNA. There are more combinations with regular sizes like 6 or 7. But once you get past 9, it becomes a hunt. And if I'm really unlucky, I'll have to look for men's shoes. But unfortunately in this case, men don't wear kitty flats.

I wanted black. But in my size, they didn't have it, except in a dark navy blue. It looked dark enough so why not?

The sales associate (Lindsay) was very nice and patient, because I kept asking for the different sizes and trying it out, walking around the store and debating with my feet to see which felt more comfortable. I was torn because flats don't really fit my feet very well, unless I found that RIGHT size.

Eventually I made up my mind and got them. It was my first time shopping with them so she told me all that I needed to know about their points program and what not. She included a Christmas card, with a candy cane, as well as a scratch and win card! What! That's so awesome. Never seen that before so that was very nice of her.

Anyways, that's my blabbering. Here is my reveal.

From Nordstrom, with love.

Now that's cute. A disclaimer on the underside of the box!

Special shoe indeed!

Now this is interesting. Dust bag for EACH shoe. Not just for the pair, but for EACH?! I don't buy designer shoes so I have no idea if this is normal or not.

Kitty! 

Blue/gold, like Blue Angels.

I don't want to remove the sticker...

How cute!

Looking forward to wearing them in the summer. Along with my cat bag. Need to find a cat dress (haha I kid). Or maybe cat ears.

The shoes are made in Italy (it's a nice place, but I would never ever date their men. No offence), and are velvet, but the sizing is different than what we are used to. On Charlotte's website, they do have conversion sizes, so best bet is to know your exact size before you try it on. I'm told by the SA that sizing can vary and you may need to go down half a size down. To me, it didn't work.

My feet felt like it was trapped in a can of sardines. So I have to stick with my exact US shoe size in order to fit in these. And even then, my heel slightly comes up when walking. However if I go down half a size, I get red pressure spots automatically. If I go up one size, it's too big. You can never win with bigass feet like mine. I never win.

This is the reveal. I won't be able to do a review on the shoes since, well it is winter. My toes would fall off if I attempted to wear this right now. Until then, I'll just try to break them in indoors.

Happiness?

Wow. 1 more week until Christmas 2016. This is surreal. Time really does fly.

We spend months planning for this day, and it will come and go so fast. Then it's 2017. Where has the time gone?! (And don't mind, my ideas are running wild now, so I'll just type as I go along so it might not flow smoothly, but hopefully it will give you some food for thought).

I don't know about you, but Christmas has not been the same since M passed away last year, which was right before Christmas. A couple of weeks before the anniversary date of when we adopted him. To me, the "Christmas prep weeks" have been pretty tough, and my tradition of buying gifts for people have basically gone to zero. It literally took a nosedive. 

And the thing is..I don't feel bad about it. I don't feel anything actually. It's not because I'm selfish, but probably because I'm still in the middle of trying to accept everything. That I need to focus on my recovery, before I can bring "happiness" to other people.

I try to bring happiness to my family and little nieces, by giving them little things to make them happy. But otherwise, Christmas will never be the same for me.

These days, people look at Christmas as another consumerism event, just like Black Friday. The trips to shopping malls or online buying has gone so far up compared to what it was 30 years ago. The stress of having to buy things for other people in order to get approval from them, or get a raise, or just...make them happy. But the ideology of trying to get the "best gift in the world" has created this entitlement feeling in people.

These days, the younger generation feel that they are entitled to the most expensive gift. Iphones. Ipads. Expensive handbags. Expensive gadgets. A car. A house. You name it. 

I blame social media and the media in general for this attitude. It is portrayed that if you have lots of money, and the most expensive material things, that it will bring happiness to your life. The "rub in your face" kind of attitude that I have everything and you have nothing, so my life is better than yours. Which makes Christmas shopping like a race, to see who can give the best gifts, or who gets the best gifts. 

First off, Christmas is not even about buying gifts. The foundation of Christmas is right in the name. Christ. The birth of Christ into this world, in order to bring salvation to everyone, to whomever believes. It is, in a way gift giving. The giving of life. The price to pay? The ultimate sacrifice of Christ on the cross, when people ridiculed him for being God in human form. This never changes. It will always remain Christmas in this historical context.

However, our ideology of Christmas has definitely changed. We have thrown out the "Christ" in Christmas and replaced it with gifts. Material gifts. Gifts that only last for a few months, or years, but will never last with us when we die. It's temporary. And this results in temporary happiness. Nothing in Christmas shopping or gift giving has any reflection of what Christmas is really about: Christ.

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't buy gifts for your loved ones. I'm just emphasizing that it shouldn't be the TOP PRIORITY of Christmas. The top priority should be Christ, and the true meaning of it, and celebrating it with your family and friends. 

They say the number of shoppers this year have declined in the past few years. That could be due to the price increase of rent, which equals price increase in products, but with no pay cheque increase in consumers, there are less people buying because they can't afford to. Now, that's just generalization but it is also pretty true overall. Or people just turn to online shopping because it's way easier, and with longer work hours, who has time to hit the shopping malls?

I definitely know that the decline does not have to do with people realizing what the true meaning of Christmas is really about, because society has gotten more secular and throwing God out of their lives, while introducing secular ideas into society and normalizing it. So the decline in shoppers in malls has nothing to do with people realizing the true meaning of Christmas. 

There are more people on earth now. More people making more money. More products and technologies being invented and sold. But are we more happy as a society? I don't see it. I see people killing each other everyday over stupid things. Mothers and fathers abusing each other or their own family, or killing each other. More road rage incidents because people are impatient over the little things. People fighting, or killing, each other during Black Friday sales. What? Overall, people are just "so busy" that they don't have patience anymore, resulting in violent behaviour.

Can we blame God for all this? No. I blame our sin, I blame our imperfections. I blame ourselves for what we have thrown upon ourselves. We are our own devils. We created the monsters we see right in front of us. Even animals have more compassion than we do. And God gave us dominance over animals. Have we as a society become worse than animals? Have we gotten ourselves so low to that point? Because of our selfishness? 

This is off the tracks a bit, but I was talking to my folks the other day about happiness and what it meant. And they told me a true story about their car mechanic. 

The car mechanic has a customer, a very wealthy one, who will come in with different cars every year (or more frequently) for servicing. At first, the mechanic thought, well maybe he just didn't like the first car or something was wrong with it. But it became a pattern that he would bring in a new car every time he saw him. By the way, this customer is in his 20's.

One day, the mechanic asked the young guy why he was bringing in so many different cars every time he saw him. That cars are a terrible investment, and he's still young, so why was he spending all this money on these cars.

The young guy replied: If I don't spend this money, my dad will just take it and spend it on his mistress.

Is this true definition of happiness? He may be rich from dad's company, but he isn't rich at all. Not in the aspect of family. In fact, this guy is so broken inside. Emotionally he is ruined. Materialistically, he is thriving. Material things are only temporary, but emotions are forever. 

When I heard that story, it really made me think: How many of these young people on social media, who flaunt their riches, are really rich? Emotionally rich and spiritually rich? They hide behind a screen all day, trying to show they are happy, when they really could be hiding their darkest secrets. We may see these entitled kids flaunting their assets, but are they truly happy? 

You can have all the money in the world to buy whatever you like, but it only brings temporary happiness. Especially if you are truly broken inside.

I'm by no means rich materialistically. I work almost everyday, barely have time for myself, try to spend as much time with family and friends. I save to buy things that supposedly make me happy. But I know it doesn't bring me happiness forever. It's only temporary.

Take for example. I buy a cat-themed Chanel bag. Cost an arm and a leg, and required me to work like a dog almost everyday. Although the inspiration came from my love for cats, and definitely a memory for M, I'm still broken inside, and I admit it. People on the outside will think I'm some rich lady, who has nothing better to do except to buy expensive handbags to show off to the world. I'll get blasted for wasting my money instead of feeding the world.

Does the bag bring me happiness? I was happy I was able to attain the bag and have a unique one, yes. But has it made me happy? No. It has only brought me temporary happiness. Temporary escape from my struggle with guilt and death. It's like a drug. You escape from reality for a moment, but after it runs out, you are back to reality.

And that's where I'm at. Reality. The reality that guilt still eats away at me. The guilt of not being able to save M. The guilt that M is not here. The sadness I feel when I lose a loved one. The emptiness that I feel. I'm so guilt driven, that I don't love myself. And this is a constant battle and a work in progress. I haven't had the time for myself to reflect, to accept everything in order to not feel guilty. I've tried to focus on other things, thinking eventually it will all be ok. But I haven't solved the base issue yet. Because of time. 

Which is why I also know that my priority is family and time. The time I spend with family is little compared to when I'm at work. In the long term, that's how life is. We work long hours and spend less time at home. To me, it's about time and family. That's what brings me happiness and joy. 

You can own all the things in this world, but if you don't have family, or loved ones who truly care, then you aren't truly happy. You also need to love yourself first before you can be truly happy. Don't forget joy. Joy comes when you discover faith, and joy is what we all should be aiming for. A combination of happiness and joy is the most powerful relationship. 

Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence. Something we hear about but may not necessarily experience, yet it happens right under our noses. In developing countries. In rich countries. Within friends. Within your own families and relatives. It's everywhere.

This has become a pandemic issue. Not just an epidemic issue, but a pandemic one. 

The latest one to hit the news is an incident involving two married doctors in Toronto. Dr. Mohammed Shamji, a well-educated neurosurgeon specializing in spinal surgery at Toronto Western Hospital has been charged with first degree murder of his wife, Dr. Elana Fric-Shamji, a family physician and researcher in women's health. 

Dr Mohammed Shamji charged

There are no details at this moment as to what exactly happened. Police have sealed off the family home, to gather any evidence that may be used to prove if Dr. Shamji did indeed kill his wife. The couple have 3 kids, ranging from toddler to about 10 (if I recall), who are with Dr. Fric-Shamji's family.

There are many reasons why domestic violence can happen. And it can happen to anyone of us. It's a matter of paying attention to the signs of domestic violence. 

In this case, it happened to one of the most prestigious families that you can find. Two well-known doctors, very well educated, loved by their colleagues and patients, and work their hardest in the research field to better the healthcare for the future. They both were aiming to make a positive impact for the world. They were both involved with the OMA, attending many seminars together, and also active on social media. 

They have great salaries, a great home, happy kids. Yet, this happened.

Now mom is dead, dad is in jail awaiting trial, and 3 kids are left without parents. How sad can this world get? It's heartbreaking. The children will never get to know their parents, and their parents will never get to see them reach their milestones in life. All this because of one person's actions. One person's action leads to generations of hurt.

We can go on and list reasons why he did what he did. Until the evidence starts pouring in, we can only speculate. 

But things don't look too good for Dr. Shamji. Dr. Fric-Shamji did not show up to work on Thursday or Friday of last week (and didn't call in sick). Her mother had not heard from her since Wednesday. Knowing her daughter would not do such a thing, she reported her daughter missing. The husband didn't report his wife missing.

That's the first red flag that I see in this case. As a spouse, if you care enough about them and know their routine (and noticed this wasn't their normal behaviour or routine of them disappearing for some time), you would report them missing. Not wait or not call at all. That raises the flag.

The second one was when Dr. Fric-Shamji's body was found and identified Friday afternoon. Friday night, the police found and arrested Dr. Shamji at a coffee shop. He was with his lawyer and his brother. 

That's red flag number two. 

Who meets up with their lawyer when their spouse disappears? It could be coincidence that maybe he was just talking about other issues like malpractice lawsuits, divorce attorney or some financial issue, but the timing is just not right (or perhaps he was creating an alibi). At that point, I would rather be in full search mode for my spouse, not meeting up with a lawyer. Unless I was trying to cover something up.

It was also noted that a week before Dr. Fric-Shamji was murdered, she had filed for divorce and was telling a few colleagues that she was ready to start a new life with her kids. A week later, she was dead.

Maybe I read or watch too many crime shows (I don't mean fake shows, but real life situations), and there is always a common theme. Or a mixture of themes. Either way, it's very clear there is always a common theme.

1) Money. Money seems to be the NUMBER ONE theme. When one spouse is money hungry, it can get pretty dangerous. A lot of times, it happens via divorce. When two parties go into disagreements and are at wit's end with each other, it's hard to sit down and settle. Might as well kill one off so they can't get their 50% share of money. Now, this is just speculation, but considering Dr. Shamji is one of the top neurosurgeon's in this program, he is well-off in salary. Since he knew his wife was filing for divorce, he knew he would lose half of his earnings, unless they can agree to take whatever share and leave it be. But if he was the type to not agree and would fight until the end to keep all his earnings, then there is a motive. 

2) Culture. In some cultures, divorce is a sin and is considered blasphemy in the family name. It is frowned upon, and people are shunned from the rest of the family for getting a divorce. To prevent getting shunned, couples stick it out and deal with it even though they aren't happy. But for the sake of the family and their parents, they decide to bite their lip. We don't know too much about their culture in this case, but there is a possibility that divorce is an embarrassment to the family name. Dr. Shamji may feel that he would bring shame to the family name, and rather to deal with it, he ended up murdering his wife. Perhaps even lying to the rest of the family to say she abandoned him and the kids. It wouldn't bring shame to him, but it would bring shame to her. Selfish motive.

3) Mental Issues. There are cases that we see where people declare insanity when they accidentally kill someone at the spur of the moment. They weren't thinking properly. Or for that moment, they blanked out. The devil got to them, they heard voices, and then they acted on the voices. As time passes, they hit back to reality and realized what they did, but they don't remember the moment it actually happened. Hence, they are declared mentally unfit to stand trial and undergo a psychiatric assessment. Do we know that Dr. Shamji was having mental issues? We don't know. We can't rule it out completely, but there's always that possibility. But considering he is an assistant professor of surgery at the University of Toronto, and a neurosurgeon specialist, he shouldn't be practicing then if he had mental issues. That would lead to huge malpractice lawsuits. Plus, anyone who uses the "mentally unfit to stand trial" reason as an excuse to prolong the trial when they know their client is mentally fit is the lowest of the lowest scums of the earth. 

4) Violence. It has been reported that in the past, the Shamji household has had a few calls to the police for domestic violence. Charges were dropped against Dr. Shamji. This should be a red flag from the very beginning. Any history of domestic violence calls to the police, and having police show up to the house and goes on record, is a red flag. There is always the potential for things to escalate to the point that someone will get hurt, and unfortunately killed. 

5) Temper. When someone's temper flares up and they don't know how to deal with a situation (i.e divorce, a slap in the face for them), they act out. And they may act out based on prior situations when they were angry at their spouse for something completely different. But now, this is the last straw. This is the chance to fight back. And so they do, except it would end in violence.

6) They were both active on social media, posting about their seminars, outdoor activities and the joys their kids bring them. That's the power of social media. We see and believe that what we see is actually happening. They seem like a happy family. Very out-going and happy with each other. But who knows what happens behind closed doors. It's almost like a shield or a distraction to what really goes on in their lives. Sweeping things under the rug and pretending that it didn't happen will cause long-term negative effects.

The death of Dr. Fric-Shamji has hit the medical family hard. It comes as a shock. The arrest of Dr. Shamji has also been a shock to his coworkers and friends. The trial may not take place for a while until all the evidence has been gathered. But I really do pray for the family and kids. The ones who will be suffering the most are these young kids who will not understand what happened until they grow up and learn about the past. It will hurt them, it will shock them, and it may destroy them. We have to stay strong for them, and let them know we are behind them, that they are not alone.