Awkward

Has anyone had family friends or friends of friends who try to set you up on blind dates, even when you're already taken? Yup. It has happened. And it's just awkward.

I've developed into the type of person who doesn't like to share my "relationship journey" (or whatever they call it these days) on social media. I feel that it's my personal relationship with someone, so why do I need to share it to everyone in the entire world? My happiness is my happiness. I'll put bits here and there because I like a picture, or I think it's adorable but I definitely won't flood the newsfeed with what we ate, which washroom we're using or our vacation pictures. 

Same with the workplace. I won't voluntarily share information unless someone asked (and even then, it depends on the question being asked). I'm not the type of person that will announce to the entire team or clients about my relationship life.

Which brings me to an awkward topic. I've had situations where people would try to set me up with someone they know, and I'm clearly in a relationship with someone else, because I don't talk about my personal life with people. So people have absolutely no idea. And then it makes it awkward.

One incident I remember: A co-worker really wanted to set me up with her son, saying he's a paramedic and good looking etc etc. She had no idea I was already in a relationship, so I told her it's ok, I'm already seeing someone. She gave this look as in "awwww". And I thought that was that.

Then I get invited to her holiday potluck with the rest of the coworkers. I went with my girl friend and we were having fun until that same coworker grabs me and says, COME MEET MY SON! 

Uh. Yikes. Awkward.

I guess she forgot? Or maybe she didn't understand what "I'm already in a relationship" meant. Maybe that's why there are so many cheaters in this world. One party says I'm married. The other just says ok great. So leave them. They don't care about anything else except themselves. Pisses me off.

Anyways back to my story.

There was another group of younger people there, which I assume are the son's friends. So at least it wouldn't be completely awkward. But feeling that I got split up from my girl friend was already tensing me up.

The son and his friends were cool. My conversation with the son was pretty short though. I don't remember his name. My attention turned towards another girl in the group because she drove the same car as I did. I ended up having the longest conversation with her instead and we talked about car mods, and what mods I have in mine, along with what mods she wanted. We were just so excited to talk about cars that we forgot about the party!

Nothing happened out of that event. Aside from the coworker asking how I thought of the party and of her son. And that's when I had to remind her again that I was taken. And then she's like OHHHHHHH well, that's too bad! I really like you and want you to be my daughter!

I'm flattered O_O

She's a lovely lady though. God Bless her soul. I hope for the best for her son and a potential wife material! From that day forward, she stopped bugging me about having me as her future daughter.

Which brings me to one of the latest encounters with a client.

I won't go into details but I had helped this client medically to get her better, and because of that, she was forever grateful and always thanked me whenever she saw me. This time around, we had a long conversation about treatments and how it would improve her overall health. It led to her asking if I was still single.

I said single as in not married yes. But I am seeing someone. And that's when she said, darn it. If you didn't, I actually have someone in mind for you!

And of course she went on and on about who this person was and what he did, where he was from, how many languages he spoke. Listing out everything. It's always awkward to have conversations like these, because I have to be professional about it as well. I can't make ugly faces or accept all the offers. 

In the end, she never bothered me about it again. But it's kind of weird how people are introducing people to me. My other younger colleagues don't get that much dating attention, but that's probably because they're already married, or seeing someone. I guess people just think all I do is work and have no social life (which is partially true). 

In Asian culture, if a woman is 25 or above, she's considered too old to be married. They're like the left overs, or those that men don't want anymore because something's wrong with them. It's a stupid misconception and a stupid mentality to follow because it's definitely not true. These days women work just as much as men do. It takes them much more steps to get to the same higher positions as men because of their gender. 

Now that my gap is closing to 30 pretty quick, I can say that most of my years I've focused on making my career, and building steps to move upwards. That takes time, a lot of energy, a lot of concentration and a lot of sacrifice. Although I have old school parents, I was raised to work hard, build a future for myself because I shouldn't depend on a man to do that for me. In old school days, wives had to depend on husbands for everything because they were always at home, raising kids. These days, women do both: raise kids and work.

My mind is way too focused on building my career that I can't depend on anyone else to do that for me, except myself. I can't rely on my partner or husband to do that for me, or my parents, or friends. I have myself, and I have God (if this is the right path and God-willing). Is there something wrong with me? Absolutely not. This is why I refuse to accept the Asian mentality of why 30 year old women are not married. If women between 25-35 are not married yet, take into consideration that they are probably working their asses off to build a future because they can't rely on a man to do it for them. 

An Asian coworker once pestered me how come I wasn't married with kids yet. This was when I just turned 26. I said, why should I rush? I'm still young. And of course she said when she was my age, she was already married with 2 kids. I said great, that was then. But this is now. She of course went on about having kids early because it's better. The risk is greater when you have kids later. Blah blah.

I did mention I wasn't into kids so it wasn't at the top of my priority list to bust out babies by 30. Since the age of marriage has been increased to well past 30, having kids later in life is way normal nowadays. Am I worried? Nope. Who knows. Maybe by the time I change my mind, they could grow babies at home in a tube, so I wouldn't have to worry about carrying one in my stomach. Awesome.

There was another time, someone had tried to introduce me to their grandson. This was back in the day when I was still single. I kindly rejected his offer but he was so insistent that he CALLED his grandson on the phone right in front of me. Then he went on and on about how he had this pretty girl that he wanted him to talk to. THEN HE HANDS ME THE PHONE.

Great. Now what do I do. Thankfully the grandson knew of his grandpa's antics and apologized for his actions. I said what do we do? Don't want to disappoint him either. So we agreed to meet up for a quick coffee, just so he could tell his grandpa he met up with me.

We kept the coffee date short, but we knew it wasn't meant to be. But at least it gave the grandpa reassurance. I lost touch with the grandson, but I eventually was told he found a great girl and married her. The grandpa was too sick to attend the wedding, and soon after, he passed away. God bless his soul. 

There isn't really a "right" way of dealing with awkward situations like these; I guess a bit of humor helps too. But I always thank them in the end for thinking about me. I must've had some impact in their lives for that to happen XD. 

Happy Chinese New Year!

GONG HAY FAT CHOY!

GONG SEE FA CHAI!

We are approaching Chinese New Year 2017, the year of the Rooster (or was it the Chicken). Anyways, it's always exciting to look forward to CNY because of red pocket. For those who don't know, red pockets are given by married couples to their children (or unmarried relatives) as tradition for prosperity and luck etc. I call it Happy Money Day!

Although I don't get as much now, I'm still grateful that my folks are still able to give me red pockets on a yearly basis. The older I get, the more I realize it's really hard to make and save money. A lot of times I say it's ok, don't give me anything. But if they don't, then they feel that they aren't sticking to the tradition that they were raised with.

I remember as a kid, when I got red pocket from my parents, I went upstairs and poured out my piggy bank, and started packing a couple of red pockets for mom and dad. It was a lot of change, and heavy. When I tried to give it to them, they wouldn't accept. Because they said "you are our child my dear, no need to give us money!" I think I was about 5 or 6. I didn't know any better. I just thought if they gave me something, then I give them back something in return.

I'm thankful I ended up taking the weekend off. It's been a crazy few weeks working 70 hour work weeks; my body is just exhausted. I planned ahead that this would be my CNY and birthday bash weekend. However, because I was so busy with work, there wasn't enough time to plan my birthday bash. So I will work with last minute adjustments to make it happen!

Which brings me to the big 3-0. This is the last week that I'll be enjoying my 20's before I welcome the 30 into my life. And when I look back at my life, I don't know whether to be disappointed or happy or what.

As a kid, 30 seemed so old. I would've predicted I'd be married with kids by 30. Actually, when I was 11, I predicted I would be married by 20, then have 5 kids. What the hell was I thinking. About a year later, I then decided I didn't want any kids. This was after volunteering with kindergarten kids for the year. The ones I worked with already knew all the bad words in the dictionary. I was baffled. 5 years old and they were already swearing.

Some were cute yeah. But it was just way too much work to babysit them. Imagine having to do that 24/7 for the first 18 years of someone's life. It scares me. I'm not sure if I'm blessed with the motherly instinct because I feel I can be selfish at times, and I don't like sharing, with kids in particular.

I can't imagine myself with little ones. If I do, I'd slap them around for being bad. I have the same attitude as my brother. When he wasn't married, he never wanted any kids. He thought they were too much work, too expensive, too annoying, too messy and crazy. He just didn't want to deal with it.

Of course after he got married, he ended up having 4 beautiful girls.

Things can change. Which I hope my mind will change in the next few years, now that I'm entering the 30's. But it hasn't really changed since elementary school. So I'm not sure. Maybe I'm one of those people who will never have kids. Or maybe I'll have one or two. Or 10. I don't know.

The thought of childbirth scares the crap out of me. The pain. I already get painful cramps every month and to think of a human coming out of me? Yeah, it scares the SHIET out of me. How the heck am I going to handle that when I can barely handle period cramps? Yeah ok, they say you can get an epidural before you give birth. But they can't numb you until you really can't feel anything. You still have to push, and you still have to feel a bit.

I would totally go for a C-section, except they don't allow that unless there is a legit reason (i.e small hips, baby is breached, hip replacement). C-section is not an option when it comes to birth if you're relatively healthy with no problems. So in conclusion, I'm screwed. Might as well knock me out with Propofol and have someone sit on my stomach to push the baby out.

Alright, enough of the what ifs. To focus on the present, I have been working a lot to build my future: my leadership abilities. The leadership program is the next step in climbing the ladder, and recently we were selected to be in groups with a topic to focus on. There is going to be a lot of research into what we can do to improve hospital systems and the way communication and charting is delivered. At least that's the topic that I'll be dealing with.

This will be a very interesting journey because whatever we come up with, it will also help the hospital implement this system. It's a bit scary too, but this is where all the research and fun begins. This helps to bring out the star in all of us.

This year will be another new development into our program as well. It's a matter of baby steps to keep climbing upwards and not look back. I guess this is also why the whole family thing is out of the picture for me because I'm so focused on career that I will have no time to think about babies. My goal now is to help change the system and to make it better. Not stay home and feed babies.

With 30 coming up, the topic of success also comes to mind. I was recently talking to a girl friend of mine about the next decade of life. And what she said is also true: people may think that once you get married and get a house, that's success. But what people don't know is the struggles to maintain the new responsibilities now, as a new couple, as a new family. Everything goes towards payments, mortgage, bills, food, maintenance. And with how low salaries are these days, how do people even cope with juggling all those?

So many people think by 30, you can pay off a house and have a family and all that jazz. Is that success? In her words, once you reach that, it's like that's it? That's life? Well that's pretty sh*tty.

She loves purses as much as I do. We talked about it and usually I try not to talk about it unless the other party is open to talk about it. I know people who are not as fortunate, and will not talk about luxury designer goods in front of them. But she mentioned one thing: She's always wanted a designer good, but with all these payments, it's almost impossible to get it now.

I said that's understandable. I'm not in the same boat as her so I sort of created my own route to doing what I do, plus working 2 jobs also helps to pay bills faster. But it involves no social life, and no family life. Either way you choose, you end up sacrificing something. It's all about what you sacrifice and dealing with it.

My way of thinking is: if you can get designer items now, might as well get them while you can. Once mortgage and kids come along, I can kiss those items goodbye. I know I will never be able to afford them as much as I can now. So I figured I will get them now while I can. Those who married early and bought a house at an early age have way more responsibilities now. I get it. I don't think either way is wrong. It's whatever makes the person comfortable, and whatever their goals are.

As I look back and wonder what my goals were before 30, I believe work/career was at the top of the list. To have a good career and also develop leadership roles.

I do remember trying to figure out what I wanted for my 30th birthday years ago. It was either going to be a Chanel classic flap bag, or a 1:8 Lamborghini Murcielago or Aventador die-cast model. Both of these items range in the 7-8k gap. I told my bestie years ago, and she said I was nuts to put down 8k for a metal car that would just sit there and collect dust. But...it's so pretty! But still, such a waste! Might as well put that as a downpayment towards a house or a car. True girl, true.

Now in the present day, I can say I fulfilled my goal: I ended up getting the Chanel emoji classic flap. It may not be caviar or lambskin leather, but it's still a Chanel classic flap. And it was much less than 7k! So I fulfilled my goal already.

Mentally, I'm still a bit of a mess. The thought of leaving my 20's without M here still hurts me. I'm not crying as much these days, but that's probably because I try to not think about it so much. I believe I exert a lot more anger these days, at anything and anyone. I used to be much patient but after all that happened, as well as getting screwed over by people, I have become an angry person.

I try to calm myself down at times, but there are times the rage just gets out of control. Then I keep reminding myself I need to cool down. Think of handbags. Think of how fortunate I am. How so many other people struggle with little things everyday. I have to try and be a good role model to others. And then I calm down and feel better.

It's strange, but I guess that's my way of coping. However, there is no doubt that I have a lot of anger these days. It's way worse when it's all bottled in, and something sets me off, then I blow up. I try to not let that happen because it's a pain trying to deal with me. I only unleash it on people who I don't really care about.

Spiritually, I need a lot of help. I saw a reminder on Facebook that Urbana 2006 was 10-11 years ago. 10 years!!! I can't believe it. Back then I wanted to continue developing my faith in Christ, and I felt that I needed a lot of work. Urbana really helped to shape my faith and I got to meet friends from all over the world. It was an eye opening experience. If I were to look back at the past 10 years of faith building, I can easily say the past 5 years was tough. But especially the past 3 years. I feel like the flame died inside me and it's waiting to be ignited again.

My mind is telling me that I need to start building myself again. I know what I need to do. But it's the lack of motivation that kills me. I know I need to do it but I can't even pick up a book anymore. I used to play worship songs to relax myself and prepped my mind to do lots of readings but these days I rarely touch the piano. Maybe I'm too tired from all the work that I just come home and have the need to pass out. Then again, instead of blogging, I could replace that with reading too.

In the end, it's the laziness that will kill us all. Lack of this and that, coming up with excuses. That's the word. Excuses. I really have to start aiming at not having excuses and just do what I need to do.

What should I am for, with this new decade? I don't even know where to begin. There's so much that if I listed them out, it would take forever to fulfill. All I know is, I just have to take it easy. There's so much stress lately, it's slowly killing me. My mind is all about work. I have turned into a work machine, and that isn't healthy.

I need to calm down and take it easy.

Random

Greetings all.

It's been a while since my last post. Been busy working like a dog with no life, so to speak. A lot of things have happened since. It's hard to figure out where to begin!

The shooting at Ft Lauderdale came to a shock to the world. What kind of person would do such a thing?

Then the two words flashed into every headline in the world: mental illness.

It's sad and scary how a person can just open fire into the baggage claim area of the airport, with no security around. The airport is a popular one, with many travellers heading there to take part in cruises. I have been there before, but I vaguely remember the baggage claim area since I never check in my luggage. Because I'm too cheap to pay for checked in luggage.

I do remember Orlando's international airport. There is the area where you pick up baggage, and then head towards the exit where all the taxis and car rental places are. That area is also open as well to anyone who can just park on the side of the road and walk in. It's not heavily guarded. Same with LAX. I remember walking through the baggage claim area, and the exit to go outside was just there. Anyone who was outside waiting can just walk into the baggage claim area. I don't recall seeing any security either.

Toronto's international airport is a bit different. Once you claim your baggage, you still have to pass through security before you head outside to meet your loved ones or catch a taxi. There is also frosted glass to prevent outsiders from looking inside, and there is always someone there watching the doors so no one can just walk in.

I don't know if it's just poor architecture design, or just poor security/flaws. Maybe it's different in the USA versus Canada and elsewhere. Considering all the shootings that are happening in the States, they might as well bring in an army team to guard each airport.

It is sad that this event had to happen. It is unfortunate that it had to take someone suffering from PTSD to act out, and claim innocent lives before the nation realizes that there is a security flaw in airports. It is very sad.

The suspect is a 26 year old who already has a family of his own, and who has gone to serve the country in Iraq. He has been through and seen friends being injured or killed in the line of duty. Looking at his history, he started at a very young age (when I calculate), about 18-19 years old when he started serving for the military. It was after seeing a bomb being detonated near 2 friends that his life changed forever.

When he sought counselling for PTSD, the military had helped to some extent. However, once he was discharged from the military, he was pretty much on his own. His family tried to help him seek counselling for his illness. He even sought help from the FBI. Yet no one was able to help him.

Eventually, something in his mind triggered him to do this act. Part of it is like he just gave up trying and wanted attention. But part of it is because he really does have this debilitating illness that he can't get rid of. There was no out for him.

People who work everyday here in the city won't be experiencing what this young man went through. They won't be seeing their loved ones going into combat, seeing their friends get bombed away, or watching them die right in front of them. Not like what he went through, or what other soldiers had to go through. To experience it first hand, I can imagine it being very traumatic.

I'm not saying to blame the illness, or blame the military for not helping. Mental illness treatment is a huge issue across the nation. People have no idea how to deal with someone going through mental illness. The fastest way to subdue them is give them sleeping pills or shock them until they hit the ground. Then once they are restrained, that's when they start to try and fix the problem. But they don't. Fixing problems by subduing patients does not FIX the problem. It only puts a bandaid on top of the problem, but there is still no solution!

It has become a national crisis when it comes to dealing with mental illness. Emergency departments are dealing with violent encounters with those suffering from mental illness, resulting in high rates of hospitalizations. But are the symptoms treated? Not really. Medications can help temporarily, but if the patient is discharged home, how do you guarantee that they will take their medications as directed, in order to keep them sane? You can't just give them a script, say goodbye and wish them all the best.

What they need is the support. The support that someone will be looking out for them to make sure they do what they are directed to do, to point them in the right direction. To keep encouraging them that they are doing good, that you'll be there for them. To remind them that it's important to take medications to help them (to deal with the imbalances). I don't really believe medications are the only way to "fix" the problem. To me, medications are merely just a bandaid. Some can fix the problem, but there is always an underlying issue that still needs to be fixed that medications can't fix. Medications will always have side effects.

What's the solution? More support. But with more support comes more funding. The country can put all the money into mental illness as a whole, but if they don't put funding in the proper areas which doesn't fix the underlying issues, then of course it's just going to be a waste.

This young man needs proper treatment to help him heal after what he's been through. A life sentence or death penalty will not cure his problem. He needs support and help to fight off these negative thoughts. Of course it won't bring back those he slaughtered. And again, it's unfortunate that they had to die in the hands of him, not knowing what was happening. But to punish him in front of the nation by putting him away in jail or giving him the death penalty is not going to paint a positive picture in the mental illness community. What they are doing is relating mental illness to crimes, and that if you lose "control" of your mental illness and commit a crime, then you'll end up in jail. That's your punishment for having a mental illness.

If we are to help those suffering, we need to fix the cracks in the system/infrastructure. Many fall through the system and then end up suffering because of it.

Rest in peace to those who died. Our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone involved.

In other updates, I had to return my Charlotte Olympia kitty flats. Not because there was something wrong with it, but because I had to pay my car bill XD. They were also maybe half a size too small. Hopefully one day I'll be able to get them again. It definitely isn't something I need at this point (or ever), but it would be nice to have one day again.

Speaking of which, Yorkdale's new underground parking garage (near Nordstrom) is HUGE! Got lost completely. I kept driving in circles, trying to find where to park. It's free, so no need to pay for parking to shop. It's a good idea to remember where you parked, because it's a bit confusing, and there are various entry and exit points into the garage. Unfortunately they ran out of those cards that help you find your car if you ever get lost. Thankfully I found a spot close to the elevators so there was not too much memorizing to do.

I went inside and saw a HUGE line up outside of Canada Goose store. It wrapped around the store. I don't get the hype that goes on with Canada Goose. Was there a sale? Nah, those things never go on sale. So I have no clue why the line up was so big. Every time I see someone wear a Canada Goose jacket, I always think of that one time I went clubbing with my girlfriends. And there was this white dude wearing a Canada Goose jacket INSIDE THE CLUB. It was November so it was cold but not super cold.

This guy was just dancing on the platform above us, in his Canada Goose jacket. We were right below, and I felt this hand on my head. I turned around and it was the CG guy trying to get my attention. WEIRD. Who the hell tries to pat a girl's head in a club wearing a CG jacket?! To get her attention? LOL it was so awkward but the funniest thing I've ever encountered at a club. I still laugh about it many years later. Props to CG guy wearing his winter jacket in a humid club.

Speaking of clubs, I haven't been to a club in ages. I feel sort of old for those type of things nowadays. The blasting music will probably make me go deaf very fast. The alcohol will make me pass out within 2 minutes. My heels will kill my feet (along with the other random people stepping on you). But the people. Gosh. Never know who you deal with in a club. People can be obnoxious, or just plain scary.

My sis in law got me an adult colouring book lately. Now that's pretty cool. Never knew they had an adult colouring book. It's suppose to help when you're stressed or just need a break from everyday stressors. Colouring apparently helps. So that's what I've been trying to do when I'm stressed and need time for myself. I colour. It's been slowly helping with my random breakdowns here and there. I guess it's somewhat improving, as long as I don't think about the past, or have arguments with people. I find when I have less of that, my symptoms decrease slightly.

In other exciting news, I think I've found the perfect bag for mama. It's by Fendi, and since she's never owned such a bag before, I figured it would be the perfect gift for her birthday, or mother's day. I haven't yet decided which. But I've been doing research to find out more information, and I believe she would like the style. She knows of Prada, but doesn't like their styles. Same with Chanel, and Louis Vuitton. Hopefully Fendi will break her into the world of designer handbags!

Alright my brain is turning into mush. Will be back soon!

Happy New Year!

I am a few days late but Happy New Year all!

It has been hectic these past few weeks. I did not realize I ended up working pretty much everyday except Christmas Day and New Year's Day. Otherwise it's just working like a dog.

I came home just before the countdown, and this is the weird thing. I couldn't find one proper channel that broadcasted Toronto's fireworks. Except CP24. With their dinky little corner screen. There was no full screen! Come on, really?! Can't even broadcast your own city's New Year's Eve event on FULL SCREEN TV. LAME SAUCE MAN!

The ones where I kept landing on was the broadcast from New York City. And Buffalo. Of all places.

But hey, it was better than Toronto?!

I had turned on the TV just as Mariah Carey was hitting the stage. I told my folks, that's the lady that sings very high! So of course mom gets excited and wants to record her to send to her brother halfway across the world.

It started off well, but then I noticed something. Her lips were not really matching the song. I was disappointed. Someone as talented as Mariah Carey lip syncing?! At the most anticipated event on NYE?! 

Then things started to get worse. Emotions came on, with no vocals. And she was just blabbering away. I was so confused. Then realized oh damn. Something's wrong. That was the most painful 2 minutes or so to be broadcasted with millions of viewers watching. Awkward to the point that I felt bad for her.

Then We Belong Together came on and once again, she lip synced. Except near the end she just completely gave up lip syncing. Then walked off stage at one point. 

Now it's been told that there was a technical glitch. That the techs did not turn on the earpiece or vocals and so she had no idea when her cue was to sing. Considering how loud and how close the speakers were to her, it makes sense for singers to be equipped with ear pieces to prevent them from going completely deaf, but also to allow them to hear the vocals more closely so they know when to sing.

Was it awkward? Totally. I felt bad for her. 

Then I started searching her songs in the past. When she sang live in the early 1990's, at her prime. I didn't really see ear pieces in her earlier performances (unless I'm completely blind), but that woman could improv anything, without the latest technologies we have these days. She could pull off performances after performances. 

I'm not sure what happened nowadays. But I guess it's almost like you've passed your prime, and you just want to retire now. In a way, you just stop giving a damn I guess.

Anyways, that was a weird NYE.