Happy Chinese New Year!

GONG HAY FAT CHOY!

GONG SEE FA CHAI!

We are approaching Chinese New Year 2017, the year of the Rooster (or was it the Chicken). Anyways, it's always exciting to look forward to CNY because of red pocket. For those who don't know, red pockets are given by married couples to their children (or unmarried relatives) as tradition for prosperity and luck etc. I call it Happy Money Day!

Although I don't get as much now, I'm still grateful that my folks are still able to give me red pockets on a yearly basis. The older I get, the more I realize it's really hard to make and save money. A lot of times I say it's ok, don't give me anything. But if they don't, then they feel that they aren't sticking to the tradition that they were raised with.

I remember as a kid, when I got red pocket from my parents, I went upstairs and poured out my piggy bank, and started packing a couple of red pockets for mom and dad. It was a lot of change, and heavy. When I tried to give it to them, they wouldn't accept. Because they said "you are our child my dear, no need to give us money!" I think I was about 5 or 6. I didn't know any better. I just thought if they gave me something, then I give them back something in return.

I'm thankful I ended up taking the weekend off. It's been a crazy few weeks working 70 hour work weeks; my body is just exhausted. I planned ahead that this would be my CNY and birthday bash weekend. However, because I was so busy with work, there wasn't enough time to plan my birthday bash. So I will work with last minute adjustments to make it happen!

Which brings me to the big 3-0. This is the last week that I'll be enjoying my 20's before I welcome the 30 into my life. And when I look back at my life, I don't know whether to be disappointed or happy or what.

As a kid, 30 seemed so old. I would've predicted I'd be married with kids by 30. Actually, when I was 11, I predicted I would be married by 20, then have 5 kids. What the hell was I thinking. About a year later, I then decided I didn't want any kids. This was after volunteering with kindergarten kids for the year. The ones I worked with already knew all the bad words in the dictionary. I was baffled. 5 years old and they were already swearing.

Some were cute yeah. But it was just way too much work to babysit them. Imagine having to do that 24/7 for the first 18 years of someone's life. It scares me. I'm not sure if I'm blessed with the motherly instinct because I feel I can be selfish at times, and I don't like sharing, with kids in particular.

I can't imagine myself with little ones. If I do, I'd slap them around for being bad. I have the same attitude as my brother. When he wasn't married, he never wanted any kids. He thought they were too much work, too expensive, too annoying, too messy and crazy. He just didn't want to deal with it.

Of course after he got married, he ended up having 4 beautiful girls.

Things can change. Which I hope my mind will change in the next few years, now that I'm entering the 30's. But it hasn't really changed since elementary school. So I'm not sure. Maybe I'm one of those people who will never have kids. Or maybe I'll have one or two. Or 10. I don't know.

The thought of childbirth scares the crap out of me. The pain. I already get painful cramps every month and to think of a human coming out of me? Yeah, it scares the SHIET out of me. How the heck am I going to handle that when I can barely handle period cramps? Yeah ok, they say you can get an epidural before you give birth. But they can't numb you until you really can't feel anything. You still have to push, and you still have to feel a bit.

I would totally go for a C-section, except they don't allow that unless there is a legit reason (i.e small hips, baby is breached, hip replacement). C-section is not an option when it comes to birth if you're relatively healthy with no problems. So in conclusion, I'm screwed. Might as well knock me out with Propofol and have someone sit on my stomach to push the baby out.

Alright, enough of the what ifs. To focus on the present, I have been working a lot to build my future: my leadership abilities. The leadership program is the next step in climbing the ladder, and recently we were selected to be in groups with a topic to focus on. There is going to be a lot of research into what we can do to improve hospital systems and the way communication and charting is delivered. At least that's the topic that I'll be dealing with.

This will be a very interesting journey because whatever we come up with, it will also help the hospital implement this system. It's a bit scary too, but this is where all the research and fun begins. This helps to bring out the star in all of us.

This year will be another new development into our program as well. It's a matter of baby steps to keep climbing upwards and not look back. I guess this is also why the whole family thing is out of the picture for me because I'm so focused on career that I will have no time to think about babies. My goal now is to help change the system and to make it better. Not stay home and feed babies.

With 30 coming up, the topic of success also comes to mind. I was recently talking to a girl friend of mine about the next decade of life. And what she said is also true: people may think that once you get married and get a house, that's success. But what people don't know is the struggles to maintain the new responsibilities now, as a new couple, as a new family. Everything goes towards payments, mortgage, bills, food, maintenance. And with how low salaries are these days, how do people even cope with juggling all those?

So many people think by 30, you can pay off a house and have a family and all that jazz. Is that success? In her words, once you reach that, it's like that's it? That's life? Well that's pretty sh*tty.

She loves purses as much as I do. We talked about it and usually I try not to talk about it unless the other party is open to talk about it. I know people who are not as fortunate, and will not talk about luxury designer goods in front of them. But she mentioned one thing: She's always wanted a designer good, but with all these payments, it's almost impossible to get it now.

I said that's understandable. I'm not in the same boat as her so I sort of created my own route to doing what I do, plus working 2 jobs also helps to pay bills faster. But it involves no social life, and no family life. Either way you choose, you end up sacrificing something. It's all about what you sacrifice and dealing with it.

My way of thinking is: if you can get designer items now, might as well get them while you can. Once mortgage and kids come along, I can kiss those items goodbye. I know I will never be able to afford them as much as I can now. So I figured I will get them now while I can. Those who married early and bought a house at an early age have way more responsibilities now. I get it. I don't think either way is wrong. It's whatever makes the person comfortable, and whatever their goals are.

As I look back and wonder what my goals were before 30, I believe work/career was at the top of the list. To have a good career and also develop leadership roles.

I do remember trying to figure out what I wanted for my 30th birthday years ago. It was either going to be a Chanel classic flap bag, or a 1:8 Lamborghini Murcielago or Aventador die-cast model. Both of these items range in the 7-8k gap. I told my bestie years ago, and she said I was nuts to put down 8k for a metal car that would just sit there and collect dust. But...it's so pretty! But still, such a waste! Might as well put that as a downpayment towards a house or a car. True girl, true.

Now in the present day, I can say I fulfilled my goal: I ended up getting the Chanel emoji classic flap. It may not be caviar or lambskin leather, but it's still a Chanel classic flap. And it was much less than 7k! So I fulfilled my goal already.

Mentally, I'm still a bit of a mess. The thought of leaving my 20's without M here still hurts me. I'm not crying as much these days, but that's probably because I try to not think about it so much. I believe I exert a lot more anger these days, at anything and anyone. I used to be much patient but after all that happened, as well as getting screwed over by people, I have become an angry person.

I try to calm myself down at times, but there are times the rage just gets out of control. Then I keep reminding myself I need to cool down. Think of handbags. Think of how fortunate I am. How so many other people struggle with little things everyday. I have to try and be a good role model to others. And then I calm down and feel better.

It's strange, but I guess that's my way of coping. However, there is no doubt that I have a lot of anger these days. It's way worse when it's all bottled in, and something sets me off, then I blow up. I try to not let that happen because it's a pain trying to deal with me. I only unleash it on people who I don't really care about.

Spiritually, I need a lot of help. I saw a reminder on Facebook that Urbana 2006 was 10-11 years ago. 10 years!!! I can't believe it. Back then I wanted to continue developing my faith in Christ, and I felt that I needed a lot of work. Urbana really helped to shape my faith and I got to meet friends from all over the world. It was an eye opening experience. If I were to look back at the past 10 years of faith building, I can easily say the past 5 years was tough. But especially the past 3 years. I feel like the flame died inside me and it's waiting to be ignited again.

My mind is telling me that I need to start building myself again. I know what I need to do. But it's the lack of motivation that kills me. I know I need to do it but I can't even pick up a book anymore. I used to play worship songs to relax myself and prepped my mind to do lots of readings but these days I rarely touch the piano. Maybe I'm too tired from all the work that I just come home and have the need to pass out. Then again, instead of blogging, I could replace that with reading too.

In the end, it's the laziness that will kill us all. Lack of this and that, coming up with excuses. That's the word. Excuses. I really have to start aiming at not having excuses and just do what I need to do.

What should I am for, with this new decade? I don't even know where to begin. There's so much that if I listed them out, it would take forever to fulfill. All I know is, I just have to take it easy. There's so much stress lately, it's slowly killing me. My mind is all about work. I have turned into a work machine, and that isn't healthy.

I need to calm down and take it easy.