So now it's Fall...Reflection time 2021

Every time I revisit my page, I forget it's been months if not years from my last post. I'm terrible at updating. Still alive and kicking.

I remember when I told myself 2021 would be my year. And so far, it's been AMAZING. Stress-free, worry-free. Hang out with my family and friends. It's been quite nice. 

Summer 2021 was quite amazing. I made sure to not waste this summer on dumb people and spend it on those who I truly care about. Enjoy life and enjoy the summer without working like a madwoman. Ok, maybe I did still work like a mad woman. However, I made sure to not pile my schedule like crazy with work and still took my weekends off to explore Ontario with family and friends. I felt that summer was just way too short. Wish the summer weather would keep continuing.

You know that feeling when you've committed x amount of years with someone and hoped for the best, hoped for a great future but as the years dragged on, it just wasn't meant to be? Yeah, it's a crappy feeling for sure. You feel it's such a waste of time and energy. But there's always a reason why that person was there in the first place. I can't say for every case what that person's goal was in your life, but to me it made me realize that I shouldn't settle for less. Especially when they don't have the same spiritual goals or overall life goals as you. As time goes on, you just hope for the best but in the end it wasn't meant to be. It also made me realize to trust my gut feelings. Don't ever fight your feelings. You may keep telling yourself everything will be fine, but when that internal feeling is screaming at you, that's not a good thing. I also realized I was never really assertive enough. I was just too nice. I put people first, making them all happy and not realizing I was making myself miserable. This is the hardest lesson to learn. 

My biggest lesson learnt: if your potential in laws cannot accept who you are based on your race or religion, or what you look like - you better make sure you truly love that person to fight for them. That person has to fight for you as well. Otherwise it's not worth it. My view has changed now, in that if they do not like me, then oh well. Because I'm not going to prove to anyone that I'm a nice girl. You will see it through my actions already. You don't need any further proof. But if I have to start changing who I am to make them happy, then that's not who I am. I'm just faking my way through. There's no more "just do it and make them happy". No sis. Don't do that bullshit. If you have to do something to make others happy to save face, then that's not who you are. It wasn't meant to be. You should only do things because you want to do it, not because others told you what to do.

I'm definitely still recovering, and I have had some pretty bitter moments. But I do remind myself that I am in a much better place than I was a year ago, or 2 years ago, heck maybe even 3-4 years ago. I'm happier. I see my friends more often now. I get out of the house more often. I try to drive more now, go on more cruises. It's been quite refreshing. Life is good.

I don't get as many questions now about "why aren't you married yet" or "don't you want any kids?" "why are you wasting your life away?" 

First of all, I'm not grabbing any random stranger off the street and marrying them. I don't believe in arranged marriages or blind dates. Plus, you don't need to be married to be successful in life. Kids. Right. Touchy subject for some people. But growing up, I never intended to have any kids. I never pictured myself as a mother and still don't. That's who I am, and that will probably never change. I'm definitely not wasting my life away considering how busy I am in my professional life. I enjoy it, although it does have its challenges and burn out moments. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. I never dreamt of working 2 jobs in my life, but it's been quite rewarding and I always set a yearly goal: to surpass last year's salary. So far I have not failed in that goal. 

Am I a loser? A failure at life? An Asian leftover?

Let me tell you one thing. The more bad relationships one goes through, the harder it is to settle with anyone because expectations are now very high and unattainable. So no, I don't see myself as a failure in life, nor a left over, or a loser. In fact, I see myself as a hot commodity, and if no man is willing to get to know me or work with me in life, then that's his loss. At this point, I don't want to waste anymore time on guys who cannot think for themselves or cannot detach themselves from their parents. I'm not there to fix anyone. I spend my entire career trying to fix people, and the last thing I want to do is fix someone when I come home. No thanks.

This girl is living the single life like I'm high on methamphetamine. 

And this goes out to any of you who have gotten out of a long term relationship. Don't rush yourselves. Don't start dating right away. Don't run back to your ex. Don't do those dumb things. As soon as you rush into another relationship, you will regret it and you will also hurt that innocent person. Just don't do it. I have been told to try online dating, and my response is: no thanks. I don't want to get raped or killed by some ugly dude who looks like Frodo. Some people do find their soulmates via online dating and good for them! But I say the majority on there are there for a quick bang and that's it. I don't have time to waste on that, so you won't see me there. But please, do let me know if you come across my face on a profile. I can guarantee you that's not me though.

Maybe some day I will find someone, maybe not. Who knows. I don't want to give up on love but my past experiences have made me almost doubt if human love exists anymore. The more I seek, the more I find non-compatible partners. I've stopped looking and if one day love finds me, then may that be the happiest and blessed moment of my life.

Onto the next....

Epic training. For those who have used the Epic system, I don't know how you guys and girls handled it in the beginning. I have heard good things about it once people know how to use it. Unfortunately for me, we haven't gotten there yet. So to keep things a bit short, I was selected by the leadership team to represent my department and be a super user for this program. Prior to the go-live date, I, along with other selected members, am responsible in testing various department computers and to report to IT on the success or failures of this system. You may be wondering why the IT is not doing this and why a random nurse or manager was selected? I guess because IT is also short on staff. But the rest of us will be using the system everyday, so this is also why we were selected to test. None of us were trained to use this system, yet we are now told to go test every computer in a given time frame. 

It has been a chaotic experience as we have to be committed to this job on top of our everyday job. Which means my job gets pushed back, and it means backlog work. The worst is when your coworker goes off on vacation and you're left to cover the entire program's issues, as well as do this Epic testing. I believe I can feel myself actually burning out now. I would've thought the pandemic would burn me out, but no, it's THIS! 

So yes, this is totally keeping me busy. I can't imagine if I was still in a relationship while trying to juggle this. I would never hear the end of it. So the fact that I'm NOT in a relationship, at least I can just come home and sleep.

My next thought...

I was aiming to wear my Louboutin heels to my cousin's wedding last month. However, that plan failed. Even after trying to break those heels in, walking around the house in them, stuffing socks in them. I couldn't do it. And I'm thankful I didn't because that ceremony location, from the parking lot to the venue was a long walk in itself. My feet would've died. I'm not sure when I will get a chance to wear them in public, but let's hope it's a place where I don't have to walk very much.

Speaking of shoes, I had bought these cute flats from Winners back in 2015 in Vancouver when I had that presentation. It was such a find, as it was my first time shopping with my managers, and one of them suggested them for me. They cost only $10! They were my pride and joy. Sad thing is, over the years because they were so comfortable and I kept wearing them, they did wear out and had split at the front. But I kept wearing it! Eventually they were a bit too embarrassing to wear to work, considering the position I am in. But I just couldn't get rid of them. It had that much sentimental value to me. 

Wearing the Loub flats and kitty flats to work took a toll on my feet. Also on their soles. So I knew I had to find another casual pair of flats to wear to work.

I did try searching Winners again, but unfortunately did not find any cute flats. I tried Walmart but same thing. Eventually I settled with Brown's shoes, which carries various brands. I had an eye for Michael Kors flats. I did tell myself I would never buy anything MK. However, the flats were too cute to not resist. I wish they had cost $10 but this was more like 15x the price. They are also super comfortable. The only downside? My feet are very weird. My right foot is slightly shorter than my left so every time I walk in flats, my right shoe feels like flying off. Can you imagine asking a shoe store to give your left foot size 9 but give your right foot a 8.5? They would kill me.

Anyways, I guess that's what shoe stickies are for. Thankfully I have some at home and can just put it in the back of the shoe to somewhat extend my feet forward. With the Loubs, it still feels tight in both feet. So weird indeed.

MK is now my daily and I have officially retired my Winners. Thank you little cute flats.

Stay tuned for my next rant/reflection (not sure when that will be...hopefully not next year!).

Pigalle 85mm Reveal/Review

 Last month I did the unthinkable. I purchased my very first pair of stilettos.

For those who know me, I've always HATED heels. I'm the running shoe type of girl, and if I have to dress up and go somewhere, most likely I'll be wearing a pair of flats or MAYBE one with a mini heel. When I mean mini, I mean 1cm heel. I've always had this fear that I will trip and fall in stilettos, and worst case scenario, it gets caught on the railroad tracks and I get run over by a train. At least I can say I died with style.

Jokes aside, I was pestered by my mom to have a set of nice heels for special occasions. Nothing too crazy tall, but something nice. She has no idea what Christian Louboutin is, but if she saw the heels, she would definitely say no, you're crazy, look how tall it is. You're going to break a heel. I swear, you can never make an Asian mom happy. *NOTE TO ALL THE MEN OUT THERE*

The only pair of shoes I own from Louboutin is a pair of flats, and even those are uncomfortable. When they say Louboutin makes uncomfortable heels, they forgot to add flats too. Probably the most uncomfortable flats I own. In the end, you are just paying for the brand, nothing more. What I've learned too is that every pair of styled heels will vary with your size. So say you are normally a size 38. With Louboutin, depending on the depth of the heel and style, you could vary between a 37 to 39. If you buy one pair of this particular style in 38.5, your next style may be a 37.5. It's stupid. I've never dealt with a company that is very confusing with sizing. I don't understand why they can't just stick with "ok this is your size in every style, here you go, problem solved" but nope. Instead, you have to go in each time to try on the heels.

Let me tell you about my experience. My first recommendation is, if you are a woman, make sure you get a woman sales associate. I'm not trying to be sexist but every male sales associate I have gotten, whether they are for handbags or clothes or shoes, they have ALL messed up with my packaging or the product itself. They seem so clueless. So save your time and find a lady who knows what she's doing.

I found a pair of heels that I wanted online from the main website. I tried to order it off the website but it kept bouncing back that it was not available. It didn't make sense because the shoe came in various sizes and it said it was still available. A very popular style shoe too - the Pigalles in 85mm. Louboutin's classic heels.

As much as I didn't want to, I ended up calling Yorkdale to see if they had any left. They did. I spoke with a male SA, and he was kind enough to reserve a pair for me until I can come in to purchase. At that time, there was no in person shopping. You could only pick up and drop off. But can't physically go into the store.

The day comes and I come to pay for it. They allowed me to park in the valet area without paying as I was there to just pick up the item. I paid for it, picked up the box and headed to my car. Something in me just wanted to open the box right there and then to make sure it was all good, yet part of me said it's ok, it's a high brand company, they do a good job. It will be fine. Plus it was wrapped up nicely. So I drove home. Took a few pictures. Then opened the box. Tried it on, and something felt weird.

I had trouble inserting my left foot into the left heel. The right heel was no problem. I mean I know all of us don't have equal sized feet but this was a huge difference, when your foot can't even fit in the shoe. Stupid me. I should've looked underneath for the size. And guess what. The SA gave me 2 different sized shoes. How in the hell do you do that?? 

This was frustrating as it's a bit of a drive to Yorkdale. So I texted the SA right away, and he kept apologizing. Asked me if I could come back now. I looked at the time. It was 10 minutes to closing, and it takes me way more than 10 minutes to head back. So I said no. I will come by another time. I jokingly told him now he owes me another free pair. He sort of laughed it off.

The next time I went back, I wasn't sure if I could park in valet anymore as this time around, the malls had opened up for indoor shopping, so I parked far out back and walked over. I was able to meet him in person and again, he told me he had no idea how the mix up happened. The only thing he offered me was if I parked in valet, he could reimburse me. TOO LATE.

This time around, I made sure to check BOTH heels before he stored it back in my box and gave me back my shoes. This time, I could finally fit both feet in. Yet when I came home to try it on, I still felt maybe it was too small. But maybe this was because it's heels.

The third time I went back, the SA was off, so I got a female SA and she knew what she was saying. She knew the styles in and out, and she took her time to help me with various styles. She allowed me to try another half size up in the Pigalles but noticed it was too big. So what I had was actually right. Another pair that is a much comfortable fit is the Corneille's. Unfortunately for me, the heel is a bit too thin, so I felt wobbly when I walked. I guess next time once I ace the Pigalle.

Overall, it was a bit of a nightmare experience. I'm not sure if I really want to go back to the store to shop. I would say if you really have to try the heels in person, then you have to try it in stores. Otherwise if you already know your size, then buy it online from the main website. It will save you the time and headache.

Before wearing these out, I made sure to paint protect the red bottoms (I have done that with the flats too). I took it to All In Detailings located in Mississauga. Mike is terrific at PPF-ing not just cars, but also handbags and shoes. He used xpel to wrap the underside so I never have to worry about the red bottoms peeling. Very happy with the final product and I encourage all the ladies reading to PPF your heels. I work hard for my items, and I want to protect them as best as I could.

I have only worn these at home (there really isn't any reason to be wearing it out right now) just to practice and all I can say is....IT IS PAINFUL. I don't know if it's because of my wide feet, and the shoes are very narrow (very narrow toe box), or if it's just all Loub heels. I stand in them for 5 minutes and I can already see the pressure points all over my feet. When I walk, I can feel the pressure point at the bottom. It's quite painful. There is not much cushion support so I will probably have to add something in. It's not too difficult walking in these, I guess because of the thickness of the heel. But there is absolutely no comfort in these heels. I tried using thin stockings to see if I could reduce the pain. It worked, but the problem is the stockings make it somewhat slippery so my feet ended up slipping out from the back area. So either you want a good fit without stockings but deal with potential blisters later, or you wear stockings to protect yourself from blisters, but risk breaking your ankle when your feet slip out.

This shoe, as classic as it is, is really meant to be stationary. It's definitely not meant for work, unless you know you're sitting your ass down for the next 8-10 hours. But running to a code blue situation, yeah not wise. Going to weddings is possible, as long as you're either sitting down for a long period of time, or standing for some time. As soon as you walk, good luck.

It's difficult being a woman. The decisions we have to make in order to look pretty for all you assholes out there. Kidding (maybe not). 

Here are some pictures! Enjoy!

2021

 I'm late to the 2021 game but Happy New Year. Yes, very late.

Yes, still alive and kicking. Yes, still working through this pandemic. Yes, probably burning out but I never have time to sit down and think about whether or not I'm burnt out. 

I hope everyone is staying safe and sane during this pandemic. Just like the rest of you, I'm sick and tired of it and want this to be over with. With more than a year of it, this pandemic has stretched out our resources within the hospitals.

And for those who say "well, you chose this profession, so deal with it" let me tell you a few things. NO ONE chooses a profession based on the chances of a pandemic happening. NO ONE asked for a pandemic to happen. NO ONE chooses to risk their lives and health to work with COVID patients. I wish I could be working from home, like some of you lucky people out there who complain it's so boring to look at 4 walls everyday. YOU have the choice to take a break and step outside for some air, or go for a walk around your neighbourhood. I WISH I could do that but I can't. I can't just drop my things and leave my patients and say, see you in an hour, I'm going for a walk. I chose to help people and yes, it does come with certain risks and sacrifices. But nothing to this point where the government doesn't stand behind you while you risk your life everyday. I DIDN'T CHOOSE THAT. 

For those who say this pandemic is a government conspiracy and that COVID is not real, I wish you could take a walk through the ICU hallways to see what is happening. Walking through the closed down surgery unit (because they scaled back on non urgent cases) DOES NOT COUNT as "empty units". NO. TAKE A WALK THROUGH THE DAMN ICU. The nurses, doctors, respirologists, pharmacists, housekeeping team..you name it. They have worked non stop throughout this pandemic and risk their lives (some even losing their lives) just to keep patients alive while your ass is sitting down at home in front of the TV, listening to some social media BS from Tik Tok users. The biggest slap in the face is for you to go out to the rest of the world and declare this virus a joke and fake. 

With the variants of concerns dominating our current cases, it is no surprise that distribution centres are going through terrible outbreaks, affecting the factory workers and essential workers overall. We are seeing the young in ICU (30-50's) and they are not making it out. Those who have not been vaccinated because they didn't qualify based on the government's essential list. Those who are essential but refused the vaccine. Those are the ones who are packing the ICUs. 

Even in our program. Our current cases are those who refused vaccination. Those who have said they didn't believe in the virus, they didn't believe in the vaccine, and that they would never get the virus. Well guess what? Living in multi-generation households, their family members ended up testing positive, which resulted in our patients getting the virus. Some are not doing so well because of their co-morbidities. I will be straightforward about this but sometimes it takes a real tragedy to open people's eyes.

Have I had the chance to sit down and reflect on the past year? To be honest, NO. There is no time to sit down and reflect. There is no time to even feel burnt out. I have a feeling I am burnt out because some days I come home, shower, and I pass out. I don't wake up until the night time and I've missed dinner. The cycle repeats about a week later. And it's been like this for over a year. So yes, I am tired but I must live too. 

Anyways, enough about this pandemic.

2021 started off bitter-sweet. It was a brand new fresh start for me, not having to look back to the past. I became much more happier, more freedom, much less stress in the head about my life. Maybe it was difficult in the beginning but things eventually got better.

Sometimes it takes other people's presence to finally realize that you deserve better. And that's what I realized. It was a good start for me. 

I began to focus on myself, my health, my faith. My faith. Something that I have not worked on for the past 5 years. It's difficult when those around you don't share the same faith and don't encourage you to work on your faith. It becomes a huge challenge. So I'm back on the road, taking it a step at a time to get back to where I was 5 years ago. 

I splurged on my first pair of heels (will be my next post yay). Still trying to learn to walk in them. When I mean heels, I mean first pair of stilettos. I'm still afraid of them, but I'm trying to get past this fear now. It's only taken 30 something years to finally try and not be scared.

Aside from that, because of this darn pandemic and "lockdown" rules, there really isn't much we can do. Can't really visit friends or go to the movie theatre. Everything is so different now. But going for a drive is also helpful. I've been enjoying the car, but unfortunately now I have to go for servicing. Never had an issue over the years because I don't drive like a maniac. But since it was driven last summer too aggressively, the alignment is completely off. Great. Got to pay to play, even if someone else sort of ruins your car. 

Hopefully my next post won't be until next year. Stay tuned!