Coping Follow-Up

Time really flies.

It's been almost 2 months since M has been gone. In terms of coping with his loss, I'm not sure if it's been improving or not. People have said I've improved, but I feel like I haven't. 

I don't even know which stage of grieving I'm in to be honest. I don't think I've fully accepted the reality of it all, because part of me feels that he's still sleeping in the closet and hiding from us. But part of me is saying he's gone already, he's not here anymore.

It's been difficult trying to find new routines, in order to cope with his loss. I feel guilty for doing it since I don't want him to think I'm forgetting all about him and moving on with my life. The morning routine is the most difficult because I would be the first to wake up and feed him breakfast before I go to work. When I wake up now, there's a sense of loneliness. There is no more meowing for food, no more rubs against the leg for a pat. And it becomes really difficult making my own breakfast, without making his first. 

Mom and I used to take turns changing his water bowl in the mornings after his passing, as it was our routine for many years. It hasn't been changed for some time, but I can see the water levels becoming lower and lower as it evaporates over the days. It hurts to see, because it's a strong reminder that he isn't coming back to eat his food or drink his water. Part of me still thinks, oh he's thirsty today. Good boy, he's drinking. 

Going out shopping with the folks is one thing. We have a habit of splitting up to shop, then meeting at a certain time to go home together. And for many years, we would always meet up at 5pm or so, because we had to go home and feed M dinner. It is still very similar to this day, that we would still meet up right before dinner to go home. But there is no one to go home to. We either go out and have dinner, or go home and make dinner. There is still that routine that hasn't changed.

I haven't had many dreams about M since his passing. It's probably because most nights I never get a full night of rest and go into REM. I would get angry or stressed when I didn't dream of him, whereas my folks would dream of him, and tell me about their dreams that he is in a happy place now with other cats. It felt like he didn't care about me or forgot about me. But I knew that wasn't the case, because I was still so hurt that I couldn't fall asleep properly. 

The other night, I did have a dream about M. He wasn't there in my dream, but the theme was about him. Our family had moved out of town, and got a huge home. I think it was because we couldn't cope with his loss anymore and decided to move. I don't remember how the new home looked like from the outside, but the inside was beautifully decorated. Huge foyer that led to the kitchen. Before the kitchen, there was a nicely decorated Christmas tree, with wrapped presents under the tree. I remember the feeling of being free from the city and now in a quiet small town area. But then a sense of loss came upon me. We had this huge place, but M wasn't there. And that's when I started crying. I remember I dropped in front of the tree and just started crying.

Then I woke up.

To me, it meant quite a few things. He passed away before Christmas. 18 years ago, we took him home a few days before Christmas. We had celebrated so many Christmases together over the years. Even though in my dream we had this huge place, it didn't mean anything considering M was no longer here with us. You can have all the money in the world, but it will not bring back a family member who has passed on. So this is why I don't see money as a drive for me, because I can't bring him back with it. Money can only stay here on this planet, but you can't take it with you when you pass.

You know what they also say? That we tend to dream about stuff that has been on our minds for so long, or stressed about, that it plays out in our dreams. For me to have that dream, after months of not having dreams...it tells me it's always on my mind. 

To this day it's still very hard to deal with his loss. I haven't seen many friends since he's passed. Part of it is because I don't want to spread my grieve onto their lives. I didn't really celebrate Christmas or New Year's. I only talk about my true feelings with a couple of people. My sense of happiness is gone. I haven't done anything I used to enjoy before his passing (piano, hip hop dance, car stuff, even purse stuff). It just feels empty. I do feel a lot of guilt though: wishing I could have spent all my free time with him, debating with myself whether sending him to the hospital was the right call, debating whether I did all that I could to try and save his life...it goes on. 

The next one to overcome is my birthday. I don't have plans to celebrate it; if anything I just want it to be over and done with. It's just hard to be celebrating something without M by my side, since he was always here. Work can only go so far to distract me from reality, because at the end of the day when I come home, reality hits me. I still break down almost everyday, mostly at home and sometimes at work during break time. It is also when no one is around that I have bad break downs.

Who knew losing a furry pet could impact our entire life. Mentally I knew he was getting old and one day was going to go, just like the rest of us. But emotionally, it's very hard to accept. They say it takes time, but it's also when the mentality and emotions mend together as one, in order to finally accept the truth. 

Miss you M.