M's Tribute

I had written and shared this a few days before Christmas, between family and friends who knew M, and who have not met M before. I decided to write a tribute and share it with those who have pets and for those who don't. Because pets are not just some animals you can replace whenever you want. They become part of your family. They may be part of your family for several years, but to them, you are their entire world.

Here is my tribute to M:

The past few weeks have been really tough (and is still tough) but I want to thank everyone for the supportive words, prayers and continuous encouragement during this difficult time.

For those who have never met M before, we adopted him a few days before Christmas 1997 when he was a kitten. From that day onwards, we formed a crazy bond and learned a lot about his personality and character:

Intelligent. He was a smart cat. I taught him how to open doors and he managed to apply that when he got locked out of places. If I had my bedroom door closed in the morning, he would open it and come in to wake me up for food. He also acted as my second alarm clock. When my alarm went off and I snoozed too long, he would come in and meow to wake me up. He learned what to do and what not to do around the house, never destroyed furniture or rummaged through garbage. He knew not to climb the fence when we let him outside to roam. He wouldn't go past the lawn, not even the sidewalk, so we knew he wouldn't ever cross a street.

Compassion. As a kitten, he would cuddle up and sleep in our laps. When he sensed we were having a bad day, he would come and meow or purr at us, as to say "everything will be ok".

Chicken. He was afraid of everything. From loud noise to birds flying overhead. When the doorbell rang, he would growl then run and hide. When birds were chirping loudly, he would run inside the house and hide. It was quite funny. He got chased by a squirrel one time, and then a black cat the following week. Oh yes, his favourite canned food was chicken. He hated fish.

Did not like the vet. He was terrified of them. Every car ride there, he meowed in fear. It takes 2-3 people to get him out the cage. 2 to tip the cage, 1 to catch him in the end. He would run to me and cling himself around my neck, and wouldn't let go, just like a child would do in fear. During the car ride home he would be more calm because he knew we were going home.

Friendly. Even though he was afraid of people and children, he never attacked anyone. He was terrified when people got near him, but he never bit or scratched anyone. He had bitten/scratched mom and brother a few times growing up. I took the brunt of it because it was always fun playing with him.

Playful. He was a playful kitten, and claws were a scary thing but as he got older, he never took out his claws when playing with me. He would slap my hand with his paw, but his claws were tucked away.

Musically inclined. Growing up, he would plop himself in the piano room when I practiced my pieces for exams. He would sit and listen, and fall asleep. When dad started singing karaoke in the basement and M was downstairs, he would come upstairs to sleep. I guess that's how terrible dad's singing is XD.

Lazy. At one point he gained a lot of weight and slept a lot. We used to call him Garfield. When I pet him when he eats, he gets lazy and lays down, then uses his paw to get the dry food from the bowl. All the food got on the floor but it was pretty hilarious to watch him eat off the floor. He would only do that when I was around to rub his belly. Otherwise no one else was able to repeat it.

Spoiled. Yes he was a spoiled cat. He wouldn't eat his food unless someone was there to pet him or comb his hair. Since he was an indoor cat, we still let him out to the front yard or backyard to get some air. Most days he sits at the door and meows at us to let him out, so we do. But he knew his boundaries.

Funny. He was funny in various ways. From the way he sleeps to how he eats, to how he still chases his tail at 17 years old. When he saw me approaching him and I call his name, his legs would go numb and he would lay down, as to say "I give up...just pet me". And I would pick him up and give him a big hug, which he would always find annoying.

Emotional. Even though he couldn't talk, we can tell he has feelings. If he's happy he purrs at us. If he's pissed he will hiss. If he's sad, he sheds a tear. My parents noticed that when I didn't come home for the night, he would sit outside my room and meow non-stop. If he's confused he would look at us in a weird way. If he's scared, his tail stands up and he takes his stance. Sometimes I can see a smile on his face.

Strong. In this context, he was strong until the very end. He knew he was getting weaker by the minute. But he also knew we were by his side. We encouraged him to be strong, that he was coming home with us, and not staying elsewhere. When he saw the sadness in our faces, he knew. He couldn't say anything, but he did try to look at us, and he shed a tear. He fought his hardest, but 5 minutes from home, he took his last breath. In my eyes, he was the bravest and strongest cat and still made it home to be with us.

Although he is not physically here anymore, his memory will live on forever. It's going to be tough dealing with the first Christmas and New Year without him, along with many other "firsts", but we know he loves us, and we love him.

Cherish your furry pets. They are a blessing from above. Love them and they will love you back just as much. You will become their entire world.

2015 Reflection

Now that 2016 is just around the corner, we all take this time to reflect on 2015. What we did, or didn't do, or wished we had done better.

2015 began as so: I worked a night shift into the new year, having a pizza party after midnight with my coworkers. Some patients were still awake so we watched the countdown with them. Although I was not able to spend the countdown with family or friends, it was still a blessing to be celebrating with those who were unable to be home with their families. In a way, we are like their family away from home.

The start of 2015 was a bit shaky. From mis-trusting people (especially those who you thought were close to you or suppose to care about you the most, and being lied to in the face constantly) to stress at work, and working as much as I can so I can keep my mind busy from the terrible people that surrounded me. Eventually I got rid of the negative person who brought me down a hell hole for months. It is possible to get rid of negative people from your lives. It just takes a lot of will power and support from friends to do it, and plenty of prayers.

I remember grandma not feeling so good halfway across the world, so pops had to travel there to be with her, while I kept mama company (along with M). I was thankful that I had a week off that month so I could spend more time at home with them. But it wasn't enough time to travel halfway across the world to see her and then come back to work again within that time frame. She is doing better now thankfully. Hopefully I will get to travel in the future to visit her and the rest of the extended family.

I definitely cut back on those car meets this year. Probably went to one and that was it. Didn't meet any new people from it, didn't feel like I needed to because I already have my close-knit group of friends. Cruises on the other hand was something I never really done before, so it was nice to see a different city and view. Admiring God's creation, and just being amazed at how big our land is. It's those moments that you get to share with people you love and care about.

Our program at work also expanded, and I was selected to help lead the smaller unit. It's also to help with my independence skills and initiative as well. Something I'm not used to, but always wanted to strive to be the best I can be. It was a lot of work (and still is) but learning is always an on-going thing. There is never a time when you stop learning. There is always something to learn each day. Teamwork is also key to making the unit a success. You can't have one person lead and hope that everything will be successful based on one person. You need an entire team to build up the unit to make it successful. And that's why it's such a honour to be working with an amazing team. Because everyone works well together and looks out after one another on this little unit. Part of it is because we are also "on our own" so to speak, so we have no choice but to work together. To me, that's how a lot of people learn too. When you are given things on a plate, you take it for granted. When you have to start from scratch, it makes you work together.

I also got accepted to do a poster presentation at the national level, which was pretty surreal. I had the chance to meet various vendors, presenters etc in the medical field and see how the different advancements in medicine can play a huge role in our future. It was definitely an eye opening experience, and one that I would go to again in the future.

I also learned to cut back on those 16 hours of shift work. As much as I want to get more money (who doesn't?), it was not worth the pain. It was not worth cutting time away from family. I have my entire life to work, so I'm not worried. But the family that I have will not be around forever, so I tried my best to balance spending time with them. And that's what I think 2015 was also about. Spending more time with my folks, and M.

2015 was also the year my BFF got engaged to an awesome man! I'm so happy for the both of them as they make an amazingly cute couple. I was also quite honoured that I got to witness his entire plan unfold (and also be part of the plan) when it came to the proposal. Although I caught it all on film, nothing beats the real life experience of seeing it all happen with my own eyes.

2015 was also the first Cars and Christ cruise with my fellow die-cast enthusiast and friend. I don't think it's ever been done before, so it was an honour to be meeting fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who were willing to give this a try.

2015 was also the last year that I got to spend with M. Part of me still regrets working long hours and not spending enough time with him. He was too old to play, and I didn't want to be a terrible person by poking him awake to give him a huge hug. When I was not home for the night, he would sit in front of my room and wait for me to come home (at least that's what my parents report, and I can believe that). He would then start howling. It happened frequently when I was not home often. The day he passed, I was suppose to be working a 16 hour shift. The day before, I had asked for a more lenient assignment, as I was going to be at work for the entire day. The charge had then told me they were overstaffed in the evening, and if I wanted the evening off, I could take it. Now, usually they start with higher senority staff and then work their way down the list. That day, she just offered it to me. When I look back at it now, I'm just very thankful I didn't have to work the 16 hours. If I did, I wouldn't have spent those last few hours with M. He would have passed, and I wouldn't have been there. In a way, it felt that God knew it was M's time to go. It was a miracle that I could leave a normal time, to go home and spend the last few hours of M's life together. Part of me just wished I could've given him a hug, but at that time, I saw him struggling and didn't want it to irritate him. But I really wished I could've just hugged him, and told him everything will be ok.

When I look back, 2015 was the year of spending more quality time with those who I care about and love. That was the main theme. And I will continue that for years to come. If I do have any big regrets, my only regret was not hugging M enough. He was there for me all these years, and now that he's gone, it's so empty without him. I just hope he knows how much I love him, and how much I miss him.

With 2016 approaching, part of me wishes I could remain in 2015. Half of me died when M passed away, and I feel that moving on without him just seems so strange. It feels like a betrayal to him. People tell me M wouldn't want to see me like this. He would want me to be happy. But how do you feel happy when half of you is gone? Perhaps I'm still mourning, and I'm still in pain. This Christmas was really difficult without him here. The coming new year will be just as hard to manage. But at least I'll be home, and that's the most important.

To all those out there, have a safe new year celebration. Keep warm, and God bless you all.

Merry Christmas!

Wishing everyone out there a happy, safe, Merry Christmas!

For those who work today, thank you for sacrificing and serving your time. It is tough to balance work and holiday time with family, but hopefully there will be time for you to see and be with your family when you are done. So thank you.

I want to thank all those for their continuous prayers, well wishes, support and encouragement during this time, as it's the first Christmas without M. Family and friends have brought in stuffed orange cat plushies, flowers, drawings and pictures in remembrance of him. We have a mini shrine created for him and all the small gifts that were brought to him. It was very emotional for me, and if he were here, I'm sure he would really be super happy. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

God bless everyone out there and stay safe.

Chanel Experience/Reveal

I first fell in love with the classic medium double flap over a year ago. But as the price increased to ridiculous amounts, I just couldn't justify dropping a huge amount over what I could've bought 100 reasonable purses for that amount of money.

As the months went by, my focus shifted from a double flap to something more miniature. It is called the wallet on chain (or WOC for short). The WOC is basically what it is: a wallet with a long chain attached to it. They do try to make enough space so you can fit your essentials inside, but you won't be able to fit your entire life inside it. I'm used to carrying a lot of things with me, both necessary and unnecessary items, so this is like downgrading from a mansion to a rental room, so to speak.

There are a lot of companies out there that make WOC. For example, YSL, Gucci, Prada (on the luxury end) and Coach, Kate Spade, Tory Burch (on the contemporary end), so there are a variety of choices and styles to choose from. It all really depends what you want in terms of style and material. And also what fits your budget.

Unfortunately, with Chanel's ridiculous price increases ever so often on purses, the WOCs are also affected by the price adjustment. Seasonal pieces come and go but the classics will always be classics.

I fell in love with the classic piece. There are a few in the classic line, but the most common one was the caviar leather with the small CCs up front by the button closure. To me, that was what everyone had if they had to have a WOC. You can match it with any wardrobe, from casual to elegant nights out. I wanted something classic but a bit different than the rest. Something different but fun in a chic way.

As soon as I saw a picture of it on the website, I knew I had to get it. And I aimed for many months for that goal.

Unfortunately with M's passing, I had to put a halt to it. I actually forgot about it completely for a while because I was so preoccupied with his loss. After some time had passed, I tried to refocus and aim for that goal. It was unsettling, because this would be my first WOC purchased without him being here. Because of that, this is how I will remember this piece, and it will forever have a place in my heart.

Yorkdale's Chanel had 2 WOCs in stock in the style that I wanted. Unfortunately as I took my time to figure out whether to wait or not, one got sold. Now there was one left. I figured it is the Christmas rush, and who knows when the price is going up again. Who knows when they will get another stock in, as these WOCs only come in limited amounts.

The SA (Keisha) took her time with me, and let me try out all the WOCs and different styles that I was debating. I was really stuck between 2 classics, but the ultimate decision was how it would look on me. She was really patient with me and allowed me all the time in the world to try it out, and then gave me time to decide. She gave me her card and if I was ready, to give her a call.

That same day, I decided to go for it. It was purchased roughly around the same anniversary date as when we took M home 18 years ago.

Ladies and gentleman, this is my reveal. This is in memory of M.

The famous black bag that it comes in.

 (Don't mind the terrible ribbon wrap. I had to unwrap it first to make sure everything was there before retying it)

Another view of the box wrapped up.

Up close of the beautiful Camellia flower. Usually it's in white, but maybe it's the Christmas season, so this one came in silver. Again, I like how it's different than the rest. It just makes it more memorable.

After the ribbon was removed, it's just a plain black box. I ended up sticking the Camellia on the front.

The package that it comes in: care cards, receipt with its own envelope, and dustbag.

Here is the WOC wrapped in the dust bag. It's a nice, soft velvet-like material. Very nicely done.

Ok, the moment of truth....

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Here it is.

I wish there was a specific name for it, but from what the site says, it is called the WOC in quilted calfskin with a long chain, as part of the Cambon style. This is the front view. It is not a puffy material like the lambskin, nor does it feel that delicate. It has a matte finish to it, but it is smooth and has a nice touch to it. The front CC is in patent leather, so it does have a shine to it. The CC logo is off to one side, half cut off, unlike the other classic ones with the CC in the middle. It looks weird in pictures, but in person I fell in love with it. I'll include more info at the end of this entry.

The back view. The Cambon WOC does not come with a back pocket, like the other classics. As much as I wanted a back pocket, it was a small sacrifice I could live with. As what SA said, Chanel tries to vary their WOCs. So not all WOCs will have back pockets.

This is a side shot. Hard to see all details but you can tell it's not very wide. You can either carry this as a small bag, or put the chains inside and make it a clutch or use it as an actual wallet. 

An overview of the inside. This is what made me fall for this WOC. Because the interior is a bright pink. The classics come in a signature burgundy or sometimes even black interior. But I wanted something different. Not all WOCs will have the same interior colour.

The flap shot. So there is a zipper compartment that goes all the way down to the end of the purse. Some people put money in there, or their authenticity card, or some important documents. To me, it just feels it's too much work to put stuff in there. Most likely it will remain empty. I haven't thought of what to do with it yet.

There are 3 separate compartments aside from the card slot holders. There are 6 card holders, along with a main compartment to put your phone, keys, lip stick, make up, perfume or whatever small essentials you may carry. 2 open compartments can be used for flat storage. The third is a zipper compartment where you can put coins and bills inside.

Up close view of the zipper.

My attempt at making a heart with the long chain. Failed pretty bad, but I'll try again in the future. Beside it is the authenticity card and care card.

As you can tell, the chain is long but there are many ways to wear this WOC. This is just one way. Similar to a double flap bag. 

The CC in patent leather.

So just a summary of the information:

Name: Wallet on Chain in quilted calfskin leather

Collection: Cambon

Theme: Signature

Size: 19cm (length) X 12.5cm (height) X 3.5cm (width) 

Made in: France

Hardware: Silver

Closure: Snap closure button

Exterior: Calfskin leather with patent leather on the CC logo. No back pocket. Long leather chain intertwined with silver hardware, non-detachable.

Interior: 6 card holders, 1 main compartment, 2 flat compartments, 1 zipper coin compartment, 1 zipper deep compartment

Ways to wear: cross-body, over the shoulder (long chain), over the shoulder (double short chain), clutch (chain inside)

Thanks for reading. And if you are reading this M, just know that you are non-replaceable. Nothing in this world can replace you, and nothing in this world can bring you back to me. A bag will not bring you back, but it will serve as a reminder that you are always by my side, wherever I go. You will forever be in my heart. 

M is home. Welcome home :')

Good news everyone.....M is finally home :')

It has been an agonizing 3 weeks since he's passed. Each passing day, I feel like a knife has stabbed me in the heart. Because I always wonder when he's coming home again. Or if they got the ashes mixed up with another pet. It's the fear of the unknown that makes the brain run wild, set all emotions high, and break a person down.

I'm not sure whether all vets are like this or not, but when you cremate your pet, it takes about a week for the ashes to come back home. If you decide to have a special urn for your pet, it supposedly takes a bit longer in order to get the urn specially made. For M's case, it took 2 weeks, plus another 4 days because we were deciding which urn to choose.

Heading to the vet today was emotional. It rained earlier on so the roads were wet, but the weather was still gloomy. It reminded me of the day we took his body to the vet to send for cremation. Almost exactly 3 weeks ago, it was a gloomy rainy weather too. It brought back a lot of memories/flashbacks to that day, and that's why it was emotional.

When we got inside to pick up the urn, they had labeled the bag with M's name on it. The urn was wrapped in tissue paper, along with a clear bag. The engraving with his name on it was included as well, along with a memory poem. It was up to us how we wanted to stick it on the urn, so that was really thoughtful of them. It also came with a certificate and a sympathy card from the crematorium to say that this was indeed M's ashes, and that he was cremated with honour and respect.

After paying the vet, we said our goodbyes to the secretary. And I believe this is what set both my mom and I off emotionally. Because the lady had said maybe see you in the future if you decide to adopt another kitty.

I believe she meant well. But for us it was still too early for that. Getting another kitty right now would seem that I'm betraying M. I'm not sure what the future holds, but for now the mourning and acceptance has not happened yet. And it won't be fair to another kitty to not feel the love from the family.

The urn sits on top of his favourite cat condo, which was purchased about 17 years ago. Right beside it is a digital photo frame with his photos over the years in a slideshow, and a stuffed orange cat plushie I had bought my mom for Mother's day.

Although he is now officially home and with us forever, there is still the pain that remains: physically I can't see him. It still hurts, and it feels like part of me died with him when he passed. Hopefully with time, and now that his urn is home, it will be a bit easier to start accepting the truth. But just with any death of a loved one, it's hard to forcefully accept it. The images of him in the last few hours will forever be engraved in my head, but hopefully with time, the 18 years of memories will diminish those last few hours and replace it with happier times. 

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive during this time. We are just blessed and grateful that he is home, just in time for Christmas. That's the only thing we wished for this Christmas...for him to be home with us. 

Random Thoughts

With Christmas just around the corner, there are many things to be thankful for. For example: life, family, food, water, clothes and shelter. Be thankful for the things in life. Everything else that comes after that is just extra stuff. It's a time of love and giving, and to celebrate Jesus' birth on Christmas Day. Let's not forget to put the Christ in Christmas.

Lately because of what's been happening, life became a blur. Work was just work. School course was just meh. Eating became a chore, not a necessity. Sleep became non-existent. Tears became a habit. Going outside for walks became a scare. It all became stress.

And then of course I got sick.

At first I thought maybe it's the flu. But I know my body's response more than the doctors. Although it is flu season, I knew this wasn't the flu. It was sickness induced by stress. Weird thing is, it always happens around December to January. I always get stressed around this time for some reason. And of course I always get really bad colds around this time too. I remember one year when I was sick for the last half of December, sick during the transition to the new year, recovered for about a week, and then got sick again until mid March. That was probably the longest duration of being sick with a cold/lung infection/ear infection/vertigo. It didn't help that I was straight night shifts too.

So word of advice: stress sucks. And night shifts don't help your recovery either.

At least I achieved something I haven't achieved in years. I managed to finish all my course work in about 6 hours. After I had enrolled in an online course to complete my certification, M passed away a few days later. It was really difficult to focus on readings and school work (and is still difficult now), but I knew this had to be done. M saw all the hard work I had put in my courses over the years. I'm pretty sure he wants me to finish and complete this certification, even if he isn't physically here to celebrate with me when I complete it. 

So for weeks I didn't touch my course work. Until last night when a major assignment was due. I said...crap. I have a lot of catching up to do. And away I went to read articles, decipher them, discuss them with classmates online, submitting discussions and all my assignments (totally screwing one up in the process. Had to rewrite everything again using different references). By 11pm, it was all done. I looked at everything and said...no way. I'm done?! It was time to eat dinner.

When your body and your brain is so focused on finishing a bunch of things, it just goes into adrenaline mode. You can't feel hunger. So I was surprised how hungry I was after working away for most of the day without eating. Haven't done that in a long time.

It would be nice to take walks around the neighbourhood or around a mall just to cool off the brain, but you know, these days it's so hard to predict what would happen. With this whole ISIS that's going on, or just random attacks from some random stranger, it's almost like you can't even step out of your place without being attacked by someone. Going to malls is now a scary thing. After the discovery of a crashed Mercedes C-Class a week ago around Yorkdale Mall, and police finding sniper equipments, along with ammunition, it's a scary thing. And then a random stabbing at STC. Then another random stabbing in the underground PATH by a 40 year old TD bank financial advisor...mind you, she is very educated. You would not think that it's possible, but it is. A smart, well educated woman, who looks very professional and pretty, and is now wanted for attempted murder. 

With Christmas coming near, and shopping malls becoming more packed, it becomes a scary situation. If someone really wanted to harm people, and I mean a lot of people, a mall would be a target. I don't want to sound too pessimistic or scare people, but that's what puts me off on going to malls now. Even driving around the city, you never know who will be driving beside you. It's almost like you have to arm your own car with bazookas and aim at the bad guys.

It sucks. I really love malls. I like window shopping; walking around the mall is calming for me. And now it's like you have to watch your back because you never know what is lurking behind you (aside from a secret admirer or stalker or something).

Speaking of which, there's that TV show called Stalker. Watched the first season and it FREAKED ME OUT! The worst is I would always watch the show at night by myself in the dark. So it didn't help the situation either. Eventually I get creeped out if I turned off the screen light and turn around to sleep, and BOOM! There is a creepy man looking at me. So far it hasn't happened yet, so maybe it's just my imagination.

So back to malls and shopping. I had set my eyes on this nice WOC, but had to put that to a halt because of the mourning period. It just doesn't seem right at all to go out and shop after a death. So I don't know. Maybe when some time has passed, I'll aim for that goal again. But for now, it just doesn't seem right to just go out and shop to forget about things or distract myself.

I read in the news about how the Toronto police had arrested people for allegedly working an auto theft ring, which ships cars out to Nigeria for transporting illegal weapons and drugs. The cars were high end SUVs and CUVs which were all brand new. They were all stolen from driveways less than a month of ownership from unsuspecting owners. There was someone who had worked for Service Ontario, who had access to all the new registered cars, all the VINs and then the addresses of these owners. He would pass the information to a key maker, who encoded those vehicle specific VINs to make the keys (I wish I knew more about how that was possible but I'm not techie), and then pass those keys to the suspects, which then would wait until owners were asleep, before accessing the cars. There would be no indication of the cars being broken into, since they had a copied key. The cars would then be shipped to Nigeria, sold for half their value, and then used for illegal purposes.

Man, I still like CUVs. But it really puts me off from buying one in the future, because of the high risk of it being stolen. It's also another reason why I tell friends and family to buy coupes or convertibles. Because you can't fit anything in there. You can transport a dead body, but you can't transport an entire army of dead bodies. Plus you can't fit a bazooka, because it's probably bigger than a coupe. HA!

One year I bought a box of diapers for a family member. This is a standard sized diaper box. I could not fit it in the coupe's trunk. I had to put it in the passenger seat. So if I can't fit a box of diapers in my trunk, how will people fit a bunch of weapons and ammunitions in there?! See my point? Buy a coupe. It's so useless it's awesome. It will become a problem if I ever have a kid because the poor kid will not have any diapers to use. 

So a few weeks back, I was driving in the evening on the lovely 401 when about halfway through my journey, I noticed a very distinct headlight in my rearview mirror. It was the new 2015 R8 V10 coupe in black with red accents. I've seen pictures of it but never saw it in person until that night. I thought it would go around to pass me and drive fast off into the distance but it stayed behind me for a good 20 minutes. When I changed lanes, he changed lanes. When I got back into the right lane, he followed. It was kind of cool to see. I was doing the limit and so was he (or she). It wasn't until we got to the highway splitting part that the R8 changed lanes to pass me to get to the on ramp. It was so cool to admire. Then some jackass in a white TL (I think, my memory becomes fuzzy after seeing the R8) decides to change lanes and tailgate the R8. The R8 never really budged. Just continued to drive normally. What do you expect dude? Race against the R8? Ain't happening.

I can respect those super car owners who drive normally in traffic and not drive like the world is going to end. Because to drivers like myself, it's cool to cruise beside or in front of those super cars. It's a beautiful machine to observe. It's just...so cool. Of course I concentrate on not crashing either. But I'm not one of those to whip out my camera to take pictures of every super car that passes by. For me, seeing and driving beside one is already pretty surreal. When you're fumbling with your camera and trying to focus on the car and get a pretty picture, you take away that real life experience of seeing it with your own eyes. And nothing beats that real life experience.

Speaking of super cars, I put on my wish list for secret santa for a Lamborghini Huracan. A real one. I feel sorry for whoever got my name. But just for jokes, everyone who is involved in the wish list ended up putting random things (along with their real wishes...you can totally tell which is real and which is fake). So for mine, I put a Huracan. I would be really surprised if I saw it on my driveway, but that's just wishful thinking.

I had my first experience with Kijiji the other day and it was bleh. I can understand now why people say it's sketchy because it can be. Lots of low ballers both online and in person too. I had to deal with a Jewish man, who was trying to pass off my item to his wife as "brand new" when it was slightly used. Kind of cheap and sneaky if you ask me (no offence). So unless I am really desperate to sell stuff online to random people, I will try to avoid at all costs. Just not a very good experience. 

Anyways that's all I can think of right now. Waiting for M's ashes to come home is taking forever. Hence why it's been stressful lately too.

Cheers to everyone. Stay safe this coming Christmas. God bless everyone.

Losing a Companion

So how do you deal with the passing of a loved one, or a companion?

The answer is....well, there really isn't one straight answer. I believe it's dependent on a lot of things.

I'll be focusing on the pet aspect. Prior to my cat, M, I haven't had any pets. Except a tank of goldfish. And as a kid, I learned that goldfish's life span did not last very long. But that's the thing. I never really had that connection with a goldfish. With a cat or dog, it becomes more on an emotional level and you get that sense of connection.

As a kid, I've always liked cats. I tried to like dogs but I was scared of them. Maybe because the neighbours had big dogs that looked intimidating. But maybe it was that intimidation that also made me liked cats. I'm not exactly sure. But I knew that I had (and still do) have the heart for cats. There was something about them that really drew me towards them.

I remember going to shopping malls and in some malls they have pet stores which allow you to touch kittens. As a kid, that was the most exciting thing about going to the mall: touching a kitten! Every time my parents took me to the mall, I had to go to the pet store and stare at the kittens. If I was lucky, I would pet one. But my parents wouldn't allow me to get one from the pet store. They had taught me that there are other kittens who look exactly like pet store kittens, but they are put somewhere else. And that somewhere else turned out to be a shelter. I remember asking what the difference was. Aside from price difference, the one that got to me was that those in the shelters are unwanted kittens. And in my tiny brain as a child, I thought what! That's so mean, why would people not want these kittens? Why would people just throw them there when they are tiny babies? What about their moms? It broke my heart. I knew I had to go and save one if that's what mattered.

You know what they say about kids? That they have some weird sixth sense that just can't be explained? It's sort of what happened too when I went to select a kitten from the adoption agency. On that day, there were some kittens but not a huge amount. After looking around, I didn't really see one that I felt connected to. But when that second round of kittens was delivered, I went to check it out again. I saw this tiny orange tabby that hid behind every kitten in that kennel. And for some odd reason, I chose that one. The other 3 kittens had their noses up against the cage, meowing in unison, as if saying "pick me!" yet that fourth kitten was the only one who did not say anything. Never uttered a meow. It just went to hide in the back.

And to this day, I can't explain why I chose him. Kids just know. But I'm so happy that I did. Because for almost 18 years, M brought us so much joy. He survived past the average life span of a cat. I have known friends who owned cats for barely 2 years before it passed. And they were so heartbroken. At that time, I kept saying to myself...I hope I won't ever have to go through something like that.

"That" is what exactly? I think part of it was dealing with the death of a pet. I mean yes, as a child, I believed that life in the physical form is temporary, but we all have souls that live forever. I knew my goldfish died and that was it. I had grandparents who also passed away, same with friends and family friends. But there's just something so different when you are so close with your pet, that when they pass away, you feel as if the whole world just crashed down on you.

And that's how the past 2 weeks or so has been. It really felt like my world came crashing down on me. All the plans that I had, the goals that I dreamt of, the Christmas plans for this year...they all came to a halt. I have never mourned for any human to this degree. I have never cried for a human for this long. I have never felt so heartbroken over a cat.

I believe the degree of mourning has also to do with how close you come attached to your pet. In my case, I was attached to M from day 1, which was 18 years ago. From the time I selected him, to the time he was brought home, to all the time spent playing with him, training him, talking to him, cuddling him, crying to him, celebrating with him...he became a little brother to me. And I felt that I had to protect him and take care of him. When you see your pet as a family member (even though they are not from the same gene pool), you really do feel that emotional connection with them. When you treat them well and love them like your own, they will feel it. And they will return that love to you.

Just like humans, pets get old and get sick. They may have to take medication for their condition or go in for expensive treatments or surgeries. As a pet owner, you do whatever you can to try and sustain their life. Because they are family. And you do whatever you can for family. Then there are times of regrets. If I had done this earlier, would they still be alive? If we had gone to this vet earlier, he wouldn't have had so much bloodwork done. The Ifs, Buts and Whens. Those still eat away at me every single day. Being in the health care field, I felt useless and hopeless that I couldn't do anything to save his life. I help other people that I don't even know to have a better life, yet I couldn't save M's life. People tell me he's had a long life, and in human years he would be close to 100. So he's had a great long life because of us. But that's the thing. Those very last hours of his life, I wish I could have done something to help him.

Which brings me to euthanasia. It's such a debatable topic, but in the end it really depends what your grounds of foundation come from. When pets are going through terrible suffering and end of life crisis, vets always recommend euthanasia. It just puts them out of their misery. If only pets could also speak. I wonder what they would say.

In M's case, he was going through congestive heart failure. CHF occurs in humans as well, and similar to lung cancer, there are 4 stages. Stage 1 being the "pre heart failure" phase which can be controlled via medications, diet and exercise, and then there's Stage 4, which is the final stage before either a heart transplant or palliative care. CHF can be controlled and maintained, but there is no cure, unless you go for a heart transplant, and even then there is no guarantee. In cats, it's similar that CHF can be controlled via medications. Unfortunately in M's case, the diagnosis of CHF was too late for him. He was already in Stage 4. No amount of medications would have helped him at this point.

Vets have the obligation to notify the families about various choices when it comes to situations like this. In M's case, it was either 1) do all the tests, monitor him overnight but can't guarantee if he will survive through the night or 2) euthanasia. The choice of surgery was not even mentioned, as the vet didn't think he would make it through the night, let alone surgery. So when you get that bombshell right in front of you at that moment, wouldn't you start freaking out? I know I did.

It's a bombshell because less than 24 hours ago, he was still walking and breathing fine. He was still eating and using the washroom. 12 hours prior, he didn't look so good, but after a Lasix shot, he looked better. And then gradually, I noticed he didn't look as good as before. By 8pm, he looked terrible. By 10:25pm, he passed away.

The vets and technicians involved in M's care saw and knew he wasn't doing so well, and he didn't have much time (although the vet estimated his maximum life span at that point was 2 days). But because they've seen many cases, bad or worse, they've always suggested euthanasia to put the pets out of misery. And they continued to push that on us, during a time when we were still trying to figure out what to do. When your emotions run very high at that point, you may not be able to think straight. So sometimes the vet's suggestions make sense at that point.

However, my family and I didn't feel it was right. Part of me still had hope he would make it through the night. I wanted to be with him one last time, if indeed this was the last time I got to see him. If we kept him overnight at the hospital, all of us would not be able to be there. Maybe one person, but wasn't a guarantee. The vet said he would call to update us on his condition during the night if that's what we wanted. But we didn't feel right leaving M there by himself. If he passed, he would pass away alone.

When I look back at our decision to bring him home versus leaving him there for the night, or euthanize him on the spot, I didn't look back at that with regret. Instead, I'm thankful that he passed away with his family surrounding him. And that he passed away naturally. We didn't need to speed things up, we didn't need to end his misery, and he didn't suffer for very long before he passed.

I just wished cats could somehow speak to us, as weird as it is. But it's that last moment, if you could only get that confirmation from them....a confirmation which says "I love you, thank you for doing this for me, instead of giving me the needle", then it would put me at ease. That it was the right thing to do, and that it would be easier to move on.

But to this day, I'm not sure if that was the "right" thing to do. Was I selfish for not putting him down? Was I too greedy for taking him home instead of leaving him at the hospital? Again, the ifs and buts continue to haunt.

The most important thing though is the promise that we were taking him home. If we had told him that and left him at the hospital, he would be heartbroken. But we didn't. We didn't break that promise. We promised him we were taking him home and we did. Even though he was in distress, he knew we were all there for him. And I believe that's why he passed so quick. He felt the love from us, yet he still fought hard to spend his last few minutes with us.

It's still not easy to this day, as our daily routine of 18 years has now changed. Everything in the house reminds us of him. From the grass to the basement, from the enclosure to the car...everything reminds us of him. There are no more wake up calls of meows (or in my case, M used to open my door to come and wake me up...but now my door remains closed), no more waiting by the front entrance to welcome us home, no more nails clicking against the floor when he walks, no more nagging us to open the door to get a whiff of fresh air, no more waiting for me to get out of the shower, no more changing food bowls. Now it's just....empty. And eerily quiet.

People say things do get better over time. It just takes time to mourn and grieve. But when you've had a pet companion that lasts for over half your life, it becomes really difficult. Especially when they have been in your life since childhood. The grieving process is where it will take the longest time. Hopefully in time, I will have accepted that M is now in a better place, away from suffering.

Uber vs. Taxi

Most of Torontonians know about today (or I mean yesterday's) protest in the downtown core, where taxi drivers from all companies gathered to protest the operation of Uber.

What is Uber? In short, it's a transportation network company and uses an app on your phone to call for nearby Uber drivers to take you to your destination. From what people have said, it's more reliable than taking traditional taxis.

There are a few downfalls. Most important is insurance and licensing fees. Unlike taxi companies who pay for insurance and license to operate, Uber drivers are not licensed to operate taxicabs. So taxi drivers have complained that this is unsafe and illegal practice. Due to continuous competition, taxi drivers also lose out on profit to Uber drivers.

Ok, I understand that taxi drivers are unhappy because other unlicensed taxi drivers out there are stealing business and making more profit but not following protocol. But to hold up downtown traffic, which by the way affected all major routes and highways in Toronto, does NOT solve the issue of having Uber drivers. Not only that but those who rely on taxis to get them to work found that they were unable to find taxis because...well...they were all protesting. So of course what did they do? Call Uber! There have also been clips of some unethical practices from the taxi drivers themselves.

For example, one taxi driver accused a driver in a Civic sedan of being an Uber driver, carrying a passenger in the backseat. The taxi driver stood in front of the Civic, holding up traffic behind. He then started to try and smash the window and open the door. The driver tried to take off, but the taxi driver decided to hang on for dear life onto the door handle of the Civic. This was all caught on camera and broadcasted across various networks.

It sort of reminded me of the time when the car in front of me did not know how to drive properly. Approaching a 4-way, the guy in front of me stops, and then takes off. And then stops...IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION. No pedestrians, no traffic. He just stops. If he had a heart attack I can understand, but he was very much alive. After I stopped and started to go and almost run into him, I give a honk. But he just sort of drove slow, then stopped. At this point I was already late in picking up someone, so I decided to go around him. Then he starts honking like mad. I ignored him and continued on with my journey.

I stopped at the office, and thankfully my dad was sitting beside me in the car. Because the next thing I know, there is this loud knock on my window. And this angry man is yelling at me. Telling me that I'm a dangerous driver, and that I shouldn't be driving. Maybe because I'm a female? Who knows. Then he threatens to report me to the cops and tries to "memorize" my plates, at the same time still trying to yell at me, and telling me he works for security. This was my breaking point. I came out, loaded with my....umbrella. Pointed at him, and said "YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE PROPERLY YOU PIECE OF CRAP. GO BACK TO DRIVING SCHOOL. AND BY THE WAY, DON'T EVER TOUCH MY CAR EVER AGAIN!"

At that point he just walked away. That's right. FEAR THE UMBRELLA!!!! But seriously, if someone punched my car, that's like punching me, and I will retaliate. Except next time it's with a bat.

So going back to the Civic driver, I could just imagine the fear going through his head when some crazy dude comes walking up to the car and basically starts vandalizing it. He tried to get himself and his passenger out of the situation by not killing anyone.

Another clip showed an ambulance with its sirens on, trying to drive through a main street, when 2 taxi drivers in front of the ambulance would not move over. This was the one that pissed me off the most. As a health care professional, that is either life or death. And we want to try and save that person's life obviously. If that person had coded in the ambulance, they have 4 minutes to resuscitate before that person goes brain dead.  Doing CPR in a moving vehicle is not easy. But arriving in a hospital with way more equipment will help buy some time. So that's why what those 2 taxi drivers did, was very unethical. If that person had died before reaching the hospital, they should put manslaughter charges against those 2 taxi drivers. Absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable.

Taxi drivers are trying to protest their rights, but they are doing it the wrong way. They make themselves look like fools. Obviously not all taxi drivers are like that, but so far from what their reactions have been, they are not winning any hearts right now.

I have not had any experience with Uber so I can't say if it's been good or not to me, but I have taken taxis before, from drunken nights to airport rides home. Not only are they super expensive, but they are aggressive drivers, don't follow rules, and they don't stop the timer on time, so it requires me to pay more. The worst is when they didn't take my luggage out of the trunk. They just sit in the driver seat counting money. If it's part of your job description, do it. I'm not going to tell my physically challenged patient to wipe their own ass when they crap themselves. I'm doing it because it's part of my job description. So in a similar way, I'm not wiping my own ass here if I'm paying you to do it for me.

Thankfully there are no more drunken nights. I'm too old for those anyways. But if I could rewind back, I wouldn't take the taxi. I would drink, pass out in my car, sleep in my car overnight, and then drive home in the morning. At least with parking around the entertainment areas, you could pay until the morning and it will still be fine. I'm actually very fortunate and blessed that I can drive myself to places and not have to rely on public transportation anymore. It's come to the point where the only person I trust is myself (and God) in getting to places on time and in a safe manner. If for un-forseen circumstances my car broke down, my first call would not be to a taxi company. It would be to my folks or loved ones.

So, what's the solution? First one is stop acting like assholes. Second: don't make it a public protest like this ever again. You have an issue? Bring it to the table inside the office. But using stupid ways to garner attention through media is the dumbest way possible. Have some decency and some self respect for yourselves will you? You know Toronto is an embarrassment when the Chinese media picks up on the Uber/Taxi protest and broadcasts it to Asia. Now that's embarrassing.

It's been 2 weeks since my beloved cat passed away, and I'm still in mourning. But this issue and how taxi drivers are handling situations have made my blood boil. Now that I have finished my rant (sort of), I will return to my mourning. Peace out.