2015 Reflection

Now that 2016 is just around the corner, we all take this time to reflect on 2015. What we did, or didn't do, or wished we had done better.

2015 began as so: I worked a night shift into the new year, having a pizza party after midnight with my coworkers. Some patients were still awake so we watched the countdown with them. Although I was not able to spend the countdown with family or friends, it was still a blessing to be celebrating with those who were unable to be home with their families. In a way, we are like their family away from home.

The start of 2015 was a bit shaky. From mis-trusting people (especially those who you thought were close to you or suppose to care about you the most, and being lied to in the face constantly) to stress at work, and working as much as I can so I can keep my mind busy from the terrible people that surrounded me. Eventually I got rid of the negative person who brought me down a hell hole for months. It is possible to get rid of negative people from your lives. It just takes a lot of will power and support from friends to do it, and plenty of prayers.

I remember grandma not feeling so good halfway across the world, so pops had to travel there to be with her, while I kept mama company (along with M). I was thankful that I had a week off that month so I could spend more time at home with them. But it wasn't enough time to travel halfway across the world to see her and then come back to work again within that time frame. She is doing better now thankfully. Hopefully I will get to travel in the future to visit her and the rest of the extended family.

I definitely cut back on those car meets this year. Probably went to one and that was it. Didn't meet any new people from it, didn't feel like I needed to because I already have my close-knit group of friends. Cruises on the other hand was something I never really done before, so it was nice to see a different city and view. Admiring God's creation, and just being amazed at how big our land is. It's those moments that you get to share with people you love and care about.

Our program at work also expanded, and I was selected to help lead the smaller unit. It's also to help with my independence skills and initiative as well. Something I'm not used to, but always wanted to strive to be the best I can be. It was a lot of work (and still is) but learning is always an on-going thing. There is never a time when you stop learning. There is always something to learn each day. Teamwork is also key to making the unit a success. You can't have one person lead and hope that everything will be successful based on one person. You need an entire team to build up the unit to make it successful. And that's why it's such a honour to be working with an amazing team. Because everyone works well together and looks out after one another on this little unit. Part of it is because we are also "on our own" so to speak, so we have no choice but to work together. To me, that's how a lot of people learn too. When you are given things on a plate, you take it for granted. When you have to start from scratch, it makes you work together.

I also got accepted to do a poster presentation at the national level, which was pretty surreal. I had the chance to meet various vendors, presenters etc in the medical field and see how the different advancements in medicine can play a huge role in our future. It was definitely an eye opening experience, and one that I would go to again in the future.

I also learned to cut back on those 16 hours of shift work. As much as I want to get more money (who doesn't?), it was not worth the pain. It was not worth cutting time away from family. I have my entire life to work, so I'm not worried. But the family that I have will not be around forever, so I tried my best to balance spending time with them. And that's what I think 2015 was also about. Spending more time with my folks, and M.

2015 was also the year my BFF got engaged to an awesome man! I'm so happy for the both of them as they make an amazingly cute couple. I was also quite honoured that I got to witness his entire plan unfold (and also be part of the plan) when it came to the proposal. Although I caught it all on film, nothing beats the real life experience of seeing it all happen with my own eyes.

2015 was also the first Cars and Christ cruise with my fellow die-cast enthusiast and friend. I don't think it's ever been done before, so it was an honour to be meeting fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who were willing to give this a try.

2015 was also the last year that I got to spend with M. Part of me still regrets working long hours and not spending enough time with him. He was too old to play, and I didn't want to be a terrible person by poking him awake to give him a huge hug. When I was not home for the night, he would sit in front of my room and wait for me to come home (at least that's what my parents report, and I can believe that). He would then start howling. It happened frequently when I was not home often. The day he passed, I was suppose to be working a 16 hour shift. The day before, I had asked for a more lenient assignment, as I was going to be at work for the entire day. The charge had then told me they were overstaffed in the evening, and if I wanted the evening off, I could take it. Now, usually they start with higher senority staff and then work their way down the list. That day, she just offered it to me. When I look back at it now, I'm just very thankful I didn't have to work the 16 hours. If I did, I wouldn't have spent those last few hours with M. He would have passed, and I wouldn't have been there. In a way, it felt that God knew it was M's time to go. It was a miracle that I could leave a normal time, to go home and spend the last few hours of M's life together. Part of me just wished I could've given him a hug, but at that time, I saw him struggling and didn't want it to irritate him. But I really wished I could've just hugged him, and told him everything will be ok.

When I look back, 2015 was the year of spending more quality time with those who I care about and love. That was the main theme. And I will continue that for years to come. If I do have any big regrets, my only regret was not hugging M enough. He was there for me all these years, and now that he's gone, it's so empty without him. I just hope he knows how much I love him, and how much I miss him.

With 2016 approaching, part of me wishes I could remain in 2015. Half of me died when M passed away, and I feel that moving on without him just seems so strange. It feels like a betrayal to him. People tell me M wouldn't want to see me like this. He would want me to be happy. But how do you feel happy when half of you is gone? Perhaps I'm still mourning, and I'm still in pain. This Christmas was really difficult without him here. The coming new year will be just as hard to manage. But at least I'll be home, and that's the most important.

To all those out there, have a safe new year celebration. Keep warm, and God bless you all.