M is home. Welcome home :')

Good news everyone.....M is finally home :')

It has been an agonizing 3 weeks since he's passed. Each passing day, I feel like a knife has stabbed me in the heart. Because I always wonder when he's coming home again. Or if they got the ashes mixed up with another pet. It's the fear of the unknown that makes the brain run wild, set all emotions high, and break a person down.

I'm not sure whether all vets are like this or not, but when you cremate your pet, it takes about a week for the ashes to come back home. If you decide to have a special urn for your pet, it supposedly takes a bit longer in order to get the urn specially made. For M's case, it took 2 weeks, plus another 4 days because we were deciding which urn to choose.

Heading to the vet today was emotional. It rained earlier on so the roads were wet, but the weather was still gloomy. It reminded me of the day we took his body to the vet to send for cremation. Almost exactly 3 weeks ago, it was a gloomy rainy weather too. It brought back a lot of memories/flashbacks to that day, and that's why it was emotional.

When we got inside to pick up the urn, they had labeled the bag with M's name on it. The urn was wrapped in tissue paper, along with a clear bag. The engraving with his name on it was included as well, along with a memory poem. It was up to us how we wanted to stick it on the urn, so that was really thoughtful of them. It also came with a certificate and a sympathy card from the crematorium to say that this was indeed M's ashes, and that he was cremated with honour and respect.

After paying the vet, we said our goodbyes to the secretary. And I believe this is what set both my mom and I off emotionally. Because the lady had said maybe see you in the future if you decide to adopt another kitty.

I believe she meant well. But for us it was still too early for that. Getting another kitty right now would seem that I'm betraying M. I'm not sure what the future holds, but for now the mourning and acceptance has not happened yet. And it won't be fair to another kitty to not feel the love from the family.

The urn sits on top of his favourite cat condo, which was purchased about 17 years ago. Right beside it is a digital photo frame with his photos over the years in a slideshow, and a stuffed orange cat plushie I had bought my mom for Mother's day.

Although he is now officially home and with us forever, there is still the pain that remains: physically I can't see him. It still hurts, and it feels like part of me died with him when he passed. Hopefully with time, and now that his urn is home, it will be a bit easier to start accepting the truth. But just with any death of a loved one, it's hard to forcefully accept it. The images of him in the last few hours will forever be engraved in my head, but hopefully with time, the 18 years of memories will diminish those last few hours and replace it with happier times. 

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive during this time. We are just blessed and grateful that he is home, just in time for Christmas. That's the only thing we wished for this Christmas...for him to be home with us.