When I look back to the beginning of summer, it was nuts. If I had done all this 6 years ago, it would've been slightly easier but then again, I can't really say. I just can't believe summer is over. Just as I was about to start hitting the beaches in a bikini, sipping on alcoholic mix beverages, the cold weather has already hit the city and less humid days. What in the world! Now I have to think about putting on snow tires soon. How sad.
Rewind back to the start of summer 2016: I applied to a second job, I challenged my final course and got the go ahead to write a massive essay, and applied for the leadership program offered at work. I really had no idea what to expect. I didn't feel too confident in anything because maybe I'm just too old for all this. Or maybe the thought of M is always at the back of my head. He was here when I got my previous jobs, he was here when I passed my previous courses, he was here when I started my leadership roles. But now he's not here anymore.
Recently, the newest addition to our family, a beautiful purple-pink fighter fish named Nemo, passed away yesterday. Less than a year of receiving him as a gift. The fish was bought from other family members to help cope with the loss of M. And now Nemo is gone too.
My mind was so focused on family, that these career things didn't really phase my mind. If I got it then great, but if I didn't that's fine too.
Eventually, I did hear back from all 3 by the end of the summer and I successfully got accepted to the second job, I passed my essay/will be receiving my post graduate certificate and recently got accepted to the leadership program for the year. It was a crazy summer, but in the end, I'm glad it's over.
Do I feel proud of the accomplishments? Somewhat. I don't know what to feel because it took a lot of sacrifice to family, from friends, from all my loved ones. There was time spent apart from everyone because my mind was pretty much just a workhorse machine. It was only focused on work and achievements. In the end, the mind is so exhausted, it just doesn't feel anything anymore.
I've missed out on hanging out with friends, something I used to do all the time and almost every weekend. I've missed out on going shopping with family, on weekend getaways, on small mini trips. It was almost 20 years ago when we had a class assignment and had to write to one travel vacation spot. I ended up choosing Muskoka, and I remember getting pamphlets from them to come visit. Mom has always wanted to go since then. It's been almost 20 years and she still mentions that we still have to visit. Of course I kept telling her yes, we should go this year! But every year, there was always something.
Take for example last year. We were suppose to go, but then after getting accepted to present at the national level, I spent many hours trying to prepare research and presentation that summer passed, and we didn't go. This year, I had booked off vacation time to bring them there, along with to other cities. But due to orientation weeks at the second job, I had to sacrifice my vacation time to attend orientation. Now that winter is coming, it will be hard to explore the city in cold weather. There is still time, but now it will really depend on the weather.
You see, when you're too career focused, you lose out on many of life events. I was taught to work hard and do my best, and whatever happens will be in God's hands. I do put in effort, but I think the past year has been really difficult dealing with M's passing that I tried to only focus on my career development. It was my coping mechanism, because it is still tough to talk about M to others. M's memory will always be with me, but when I think about the last hours, it still breaks me down. Every time I have a fight with loved ones, my mind flashes to M and his last few hours and it breaks me down even more.
I needed something to distract me, and I chose my career. Unfortunately I believe it was imbalanced because I was too focused on career development that I overlooked everything else in my life. My social life suffered, and so did my health. But I didn't give up.
Every year is always different. A year ago, I was still prepping for my presentation, I was training staff, I debated on taking more courses, and M was still here. This year, all those have been completed except M isn't here. My mood was excitement and happiness last year. This year, it's been solemn, grief, sadness.
I wish I could turn back time and change certain things, but I can't. I can only try to move forward and see what life brings. This new journey has begun, and it is exciting and frightening at the same time. My only hope and goal now is to not let it become so unbalanced that I forget what life is really all about: love.
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