Closure

It had been an emotional week for one reason: M.

I took the weekend to start cleaning and throwing old things out or stuff that I didn't need anymore. As I was doing that, I noticed mom was also cleaning. Except she was cleaning M's items.

Ever since M passed away almost 10 months ago, we never touched his items. His food trays remained there, his clean litter box remained in the same spot, his carpet he used to sleep on in the kitchen. All the memories.

She was slowly cleaning it up.

I couldn't take it. I tried to not think about it, but the more I thought about it, the more hurt I felt that we were packing it away. It was difficult to deal with, but it was also hard for mom, as she really took care of M over the years too. So it was just as hard for her to deal with.

As the cleaning came to an end, there was a small cabinet that we wanted to throw out, but we had to clean the contents of it first.

We took it out, and it was cat collars, leashes, toys, and a small file of his medical records. As we went through each of the items, we both started crying.

The tears just came. There was no control.

It still hurts to think about it as I type this entry.

I ended up bringing all the items to a shrine we have made for him on the cat condo and stored his items there. I couldn't bear throwing those out. It belonged to him.

That same night, I ended up in tears. The next morning was the hardest. Waking up super early reminded me of the past when I woke up early for work and fed him food. Now as I walk downstairs, I don't see his litter box anymore. I walk into the kitchen, and I don't see his bowls or carpet anymore. What remains there is a small table with a phone on it.

I cried.

It was too much visual stimulation all at once for me to handle. I haven't seen an empty spot in the kitchen for the past 18 years. It was tough to accept, but I knew it was also the final closure.

And that's what was missing all this time: the final closure.

I don't know if I believe in closure, or these final closures. To have closure is to move onto the next chapter or a completely new path. But emotionally, I still struggle with letting go of the past. I feel that it's a betrayal to move on without M. It sounds dumb, but it's just how I feel.

It's been slowly getting better. I just have to not think too much about it. But when I do, that's when the tears come. Just taking it day by day again.