A Clear Explanation

When someone is diagnosed with a chronic illness, it takes quite a bit of time and explanation for them to understand what they are dealing with, and helping them cope.

One of the most challenging aspects in working with people diagnosed with a chronic illness is compliance of treatments. As health care professionals, when we see patients refusing to accept treatments or not coming to treatments on a frequent basis, we get frustrated. Because we know the dangers if they don't comply with treatments. We think they are the stubborn ones. We think we have tried our best to tell them to come but it's their fault if they don't accept our help.

But we clearly missed out one basic step that we have all learned in medical or nursing school. Verifying with the patient if they understand what they were told.

In our current society, too many of us jump to conclusions based on one thing we see. In this case, because we see patients skipping treatment, we automatically assume they already know the side effects of missing treatments. What no one really does is following up with the patient the next time they come back to see if they understand the consequences.

Now, some patients do understand the consequences and are prepared to deal with it. But I would say most are not ready to deal with the ultimate consequence: death.

There are times that I have worked with patients and they start asking basic questions. Questions that should have been answered by the doctor when they were initially seen by them. Yet they are still asking me basic questions. But understanding a disease process is not like 1+1. It is anatomy and physiology complicated with pathophysiology. It will take time for someone to understand what is going on with their bodies.

As a health care professional, I have an obligation to teach and educate patients. I answer the basic questions that have been asked many times. Each person is different in their knowledge in the disease process, and each person will need a different explanation to help them understand it.

Here is a case study (this is to also help others who are in similar situations or need ideas to help patients understand what is happening to them):

A patient who has Stage 5 kidney failure (GFR < 15) and new to hemodialysis comes into the ER, short of breath, having chest pain, has edema in both lower legs and ankles. Blood pressure is high, at 180/110, heart rate of 98. Oxygen saturation is 90% on room air. Bloodwork shows Potassium: 7.2. Creatinine: 890. Urea: 25. Upon further questioning, you find out this patient has missed 3 of 8 treatments. The patient states he is new to dialysis, and each time he missed a treatment, he says he wasn't feeling well. So therefore he wasn't comfortable in getting treatment because he was too ill to go to the hospital.

The nephrologist has tried explaining to the patient blatantly that if they don't seek treatment, they will die. They will also not qualify for a kidney transplant because they are non-compliant with dialysis.

As a nurse, what do you do?

I can tell you the first thing of what you DON'T do. And that is assume. Do not assume the patient already knows everything. Do not assume they understand everything. Assumptions are the worst thing in health care, and it could get you into a lot of trouble.

The first step is to talk with the patient. Identify who you are (RN, RPN), and explain what you will be doing (I will be giving you dialysis treatment today because your blood work levels are very high). You then ask the patient open ended questions to see if they understand why they are getting the treatment. The best way to ask is: What has the doctor told you regarding the treatment? Tell me what are some things that the doctor told you.

This is a lot better than asking closed ended questions (Has the doctor talked to you? Do you understand it? Do you have any questions?). A lot of times, patients get anxious and scared to ask questions that they will simply nod. That is why it is up to the health care professionals to keep the questions open ended and keep the conversation going.

In this situation, the patient had stated he was new, and he didn't know what was going on. The first day of treatment, the nurse took him in and he was hooked up to the machine. And that was it. Now, sometimes it's also up to the nurse's judgment to see whether they are lying or telling the truth. We also have to look back at the 5 stages of grief:
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

When a patient first learns about their chronic illness, they will deny it. How can something like this happen to them? Why me? The next would be anger. They will get angry at anything and everything, even blame God for their illness. Then they will bargain. If I start to change my diet or exercise more, maybe this illness will go away and I'll get better. But when they realize this is a life long illness, they will hit depression. Eventually, they will accept the fact that this illness is real. They have it, and will have to live with it.

Now I can't say which stage the patient was in when he first came into treatment. But in the very beginning when everything is new, the patient will NOT remember everything that was said to them which include doctors, nurses, pharmacists, dieticians, social workers and coordinators. Everyone can say they already told the patient and taught the patient whatever needed to be taught, as well as paper handouts for them to read. But if the patient is in an anger or depression stage, do you think they would want to sit down and read all those papers? No, definitely not.

My first step is to ask the patient what they understand about their illness. See what they already know. Then you can assess what they don't know. And a lot of times, there are misconceptions or misunderstandings.

Explaining to a patient a disease process should not include difficult terminology. It has to be explained in a way that they understand, even draw out pictures if needed. The patient understood that being compliant to treatment is important, yet he still skips it. Why? The patient clearly said he wasn't feeling well. Because he felt unwell, he figured it was best to not force himself to get treatment.

Now comes the part of explaining what happens if they skip treatment. I used the blood work and his symptoms as a big picture. You can break it down to mini parts and then link it all together. For example:

1) Potassium is an electrolyte responsible for cardiac tissue (the heart). When there is an imbalance of potassium in the body, it will affect your heart. Your levels are way too high today (hyperkalemia; 7.2) hence why you feel chest pain and you are short of breath (hyperventilating). Too high or too low will result in your heart overworking and it could stop, leading to death.

2) Your kidneys are responsible for excreting potassium and other toxins in the blood. When your kidneys stop functioning and you stop peeing, the toxins build up, and you start to feel unwell. Hence why your potassium is also high. Because you have skipped out on treatment. There is no way for all those toxins to come out.

3) Since you have been feeling unwell at home, and constantly drinking lots of fluids (as we are taught to drink fluids when we are sick), your body is unable to get rid of the excess amount of fluids, hence why your legs are swollen. It is important to limit your fluid intake to 1L a day (show them a 1L bag of saline as an example).

4) Your blood pressure is very high because of all the excess fluid inside your body. It is important we get rid of that extra fluid to bring your pressure back down.

Keeping it in simple terms helps the patient understand what is happening to their bodies. Telling them they are experiencing hyperkalemia will not mean anything to them unless you break it down into simpler terms. It takes patience and a lot of feedback to help the patient understand. But telling them simply "they will die" will not help them take initiative to attend treatments. Scare tactics do not work on these patients. They need education and teaching.

After a complete breakdown of what dialysis is and what it does, and what kidney failure is, the patient was grateful that he finally learned the basics of his illness. He was able to tell me what I said, and stressed the importance of not missing out anymore treatments for his sake. It is the team's responsibility to follow up with the patient and their compliance to treatments. The teachings and education still need to be reinforced each time.

To wrap up, patients need a clear explanation of what's going on. Do not assume anything, but engage them in conversation to assess their understanding. Clear up any misconceptions or misunderstandings that they may have. Don't just lecture, but engage them and ask them questions as well to see if they understand. Lastly, as a team, we all need to work together to make sure patients remain compliant to treatment, and follow up with them to see how they are doing.

Asian Bus Tours

Do the names Taipan Tours, America Asia or Safeway Tours ring a bell? If you haven't been on those Asian bus tours, you should totally try it out one time.

And then you'll start hating it.

I remember taking my very first bus tour when I was about 5 or 6 years old. It was with Safeway Tours back in the 90's. It was one of those USA tours where we went from NYC - Boston - Atlantic City - Washington DC - and I'm pretty sure a few more but I can't remember exactly. All I remember is there were a lot of buses. The 90's was the time that Safeway Tours boomed in the tourism industry. There were a lot of places to visit but I remember they allowed us a lot of time to look around, take pictures etc. The time on the bus was long, but at least there were frequent stops.

Fast forward to the current year. They are all still in operation but I've noticed Safeway has been "beat out" by Taipan. I have taken both companies in the past few years and I've noticed Taipan has more tours offered than Safeway. They are both still very fast paced, so I wouldn't recommend very young toddlers or children to take these tours as wake up calls are ridiculously early (some as early as 5:30am).  Also, the very elderly people. I don't know how they do it, but I assume because most of the trips are on long bus rides, maybe that's why majority are all older adults.

Which comes to my next big peeve when it comes to bus tours. Mannerism. A lot of the bus tourists are older generation who have immigrated from countries like Hong Kong and China mainly (some Taiwan) so what they think is normal may not be "normal" in our younger generation's eyes.

For example, when the tour guide is talking on the speaker, you will have people chattering. When the bus is still moving and trying to park, you have a bunch of people start standing up in the aisle, grab bags, and waiting to get off. When people are getting off the bus, they cut you off or don't allow you to enter in front of them. When it comes to attractions and line ups, they will bud in front of you. It's like they don't know how to form a line.

The best one is going to popular attractions and going to their washrooms. They have signs in the stalls where there are two pictures. One that says NO! and a sign with a person squatting on the toilet seat. The other one says YES! and it has the person sitting on the toilet.

It has come to the point where places in Canada and the USA have seen the unsanitary ways of using the public toilets that they have put signs up. It's embarrassing to those who are of Asian descent because when we see it, we totally know it was from "our people" from the older generations. We think it's gross. But to them, it was the way they were raised and taught as normal.

And that's the thing with multicultural countries like Canada. When we see people spit on the streets, take a piss in the bushes in full public view, squat on the toilets and make a mess on the seats with muddy shoes, or squatting in public roadside taking a dump in the sewage, our thoughts are "EEW NASTY! Immigrants!" But what we don't realize is that's probably how they were taught back home as totally normal.

The only thing I can think of if I see someone doing that or know of someone who does anything "weird" to my eyes, I would just say in this country, that is inappropriate. Maybe back home it was normal, but here, it is considered inappropriate. Just a head's up. Whether they choose to follow Canada's mannerism, that's up to them. But with older generation, it is very hard to change their ways. So don't be too surprised when you see any one of the above being done in public. 

Fall Cruises 2015

I know I mentioned I wasn't going to attend any more car club meets in parking lots and what not, because of my bad experiences with weird people.

However, going on a car cruise with your loved ones especially during the fall season is a must.

I like colourful things. And that includes pretty leaves. When you drive through a scenic route with leaves changing colours, it's the most beautiful thing to witness (aside from seeing a bride walk down the aisle).

This fall, I had the honour to go on 3 different cruises with others who are passionate about fast cars. The latest one I was shot gun so I did my best to take some scenic pictures, and also some shots of cars. The route took us through and around Caledon, and we were able to get some leaves transitioning into the fall colours. Ooo so pretty!

So then we entered the Forks of the Credit. A small town with some twisty roads. Unfortunately people take advantage of it and speed through, so there are speed traps there.

We ended the cruise with a brief photo shoot session. And of course, stopping local traffic just because we are more awesome than the Blue Jays (or any Toronto team as a matter of fact).

Looking forward to seeing what 2016 will bring us!

Life is Amazing. Stress Isn't.

Everybody experiences stress at various stages of life. It can be a small amount, or huge, or a daily issue. But what really goes on when stress occurs? What happens to your body when you undergo stress? And what happens if it's a daily occurrence?

You know that saying "Stress kills"? Yeah, it really does. When you let stress get to you, it will break down your entire system. Just like if you keep pushing your car to its limits, eventually something will break. And it doesn't have to be a huge component, but it always starts with something small, and work its way to something much bigger.

When you look at the anatomy and physiology of the human body, it is amazing, yet complex. You see how the body was designed for purpose, how we are an amazing reflection of our awesome Creator, our God and our Saviour Jesus Christ. To me, it doesn't make sense that humans evolve from nothing. You can't leave chance to create a design, and for a purpose. We are all taught in school about evolution and the big bang theory and it is the only acceptable "science", but the topic of creation is considered "religion" and therefore banned from classrooms. If you think about it, evolution is a religion as well. It's called Athiesm. So for schools to be saying they don't teach religion and are not allowed, they are contradicting themselves. But that's another post for another day.

When I was about 13 years old, I accepted Christ into my life. Not because the church told me to. Not because my parents told me to. Not because my friends told me to. It was a few things combined actually. I had basic understanding of anatomy and physiology at that time, and biology was my favourite topic. I learned the basics of what a cell was, and memorized it, but really had no clue why I was doing it. I was memorizing all these things because that was part of the education system. And if I didn't do well, then I would fail school. Other than those two things, there really was no purpose.  It wasn't until my brother started teaching me the purpose of life. And when you can understand the purpose of life, everything starts to open up and make sense.

Anatomy and physiology, biology and chemistry, as confusing and annoying as they are, they serve a huge purpose in understanding the complexity of life. When you can see how everything works, and why they work, you start to see and understand that God is not just some fairy tale made up story. He did this for a purpose: to have a continuous relationship with His children. You see, you are a reflection of who God is. We will never be God, but our thoughts, feelings, actions, knowledge...they are a reflection of Him.

Human anatomy is very complex. And all systems serve its own purpose. What is amazing is all those systems compliment each other. So if one system fails, you have another system that compensates. Big bang theory or the evolution theory will not teach you that or explain why it does that. It just basically states life evolved from a big bang, which resulted in a cell. But when you really look at the anatomy of a cell, it is very complex. It's not something basic.

Let's look at something that all of us deal with on a daily basis: stress.

When we deal with a stressful situation, our body has what we call a "fight or flight" response. Sounds simple, but what goes on inside our bodies at that given moment goes faster than the speed of light.

The eyes and ears (along with your other sensors like fingers, toes..i.e your skin) send a signal to your brain. Your brain consists of a centre called the amygdala. Amygdala interprets the signal, and if it senses danger, it will send a signal to the hypothalamus.

The hypothalamus is like the control centre of a ship or a plane. It is here where the brain communicates to the rest of the body via a system called the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). The ANS controls involuntary body functions such as increased heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, and dilation or constriction of blood vessels. The ANS further divides into two more systems: Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) and the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS).

The SNS functions as the fight or flight response when it gets the danger signal. The PNS acts as the "slow down" response, or when the danger has passed. As Harvard Health puts it, it's like the gas and brake pedal of a car.

Once the hypothalamus activates the ANS system, it also sends a signal to the adrenal glands. The adrenal glands is where epinepherine is released into the blood stream (i.e adrenaline). This is where the physiological changes begin: blood pressure increases, heart rate increases, breathing increases, vasoconstriction occurs, your senses (hearing, visual) become more alert, more blood flow goes to all your vital organs. Epinepherine also triggers the release of blood sugar (or glucose) and fats from temporary storage into the bloodstream. This is to provide energy for the body while it's undergoing the stress response.

If the situation remains dangerous or very stressful, cortisol is released by the adrenal glands. This is to keep the body on high alert.

And all this occurs faster than the speed of light.

With prolonged stress or chronic stress, it is detrimental to one's health. The constant release of epinepherine can result in damaged blood vessels and arteries, resulting in increased risk of stroke or heart attacks. You can start to feel chest pain, or angina, because of the changes in the blood vessels due to chronic stress. High levels of cortisol results in increased appetite. This is why some people eat a lot when they are stressed, because of the high levels of cortisol in the blood stream, which leads to weight gain and obesity. That in itself leads to many health problems: hypertension, diabetes, athlerosclerosis, lipidemia, high cholesterol (to name a few), and thus if uncontrolled, can lead to kidney failure.

This is just a glimpse into one of the "basic" systems of the human body. I say "basic" because people think it's easy, but it really isn't all that basic or easy when you start to understand the anatomy behind it. It's not just one individual system, but all systems of the human body are intertwined. They compliment each other, and if one fails, it will affect the others. The others can only do so much to compensate before the entire body collapses.

Stress kills, yes it does. But we cannot let stress take over our lives. We have to start by looking after ourselves too. There are many ways to counter stress and it all comes down to whether we put our minds to make a change: our diet, our breathing exercises, yoga, physical exercise, removing stressors from our lives, having quiet time, finding good balance in our busy lives, getting enough rest and sleep, having great relationships with family and friends. All the little bits here and there help make a bigger positive picture.

And this is why I am amazed at life and how complex life is. I am amazed that God is not just some fairy tale person that you read to your kids before bedtime. He is real, He is here with us, and we are a mere reflection of who He is. It is up to us whether we want to get to know Him more in our lives or not. Everyone has their own ways of accepting Christ. For me, it was the topic of biology and anatomy/physiology of the human body that really awed me. Maybe not everything will make sense in life, but it's enough to convince me that God is real.

PSA: Fraudster

This is a public service announcement post about a fraudster in the GTA car community.

I met this guy back in August 2014.

He seemed nice and all at first, buying me stuff I didn't ask him to buy, as a way to show he cares. But no one buys expensive things when you first meet. People thought it was strange that it was happening but they said "as long as you're happy".

I guess at first I was, because it was sort of nice to get showered with stuff, but it was not in my character for people to shower me with random gifts. So it was awkward.

Then I saw the real side of him. The pathological liar and manipulator.

Not only did he lie and try to scam 4 of my friends whom he barely knew, but he was lying to them about everything. When you lie to my friends, especially those that I have known for a very long time, you basically lie to me. And I don't like that. I'm a loyal friend who will call you out when I find out. Seemed like he was trying to destroy my friendships.

He had my front lip and side skirts as he offered to get it fixed and repainted. The front lip and side skirts were bought by me and paid for. It has been over 6 months now and I still have neither. I have asked for it back via FB, Whatsapp, text, and calling over the months but each time it was:

1) I'm in Jersey

2) I'm in Chicago

3) my grandpa fell on the ground and I gotta send him to ER

4) I'm not feeling well

5) I'm at the doctor's

6) my grandma can't breathe

7) I sent my mom to the ER because she isn't feeling well

8) I overslept

As you can tell, a variety of excuses. My favourite is the medical ones because it's like the entire family has taken over the Emergency Department in one day.

Then when I asked again, he said he threw them out and bought me new ones. WHO THE HELL BUYS NEW PARTS FOR SOMEONE WHO NEVER ASKED FOR THEM? This is not a matter of trying to be nice to someone. This is now making that person pay for parts that they never asked for, on top of paying for paint. This is the part that got me very mad, because if other people don't know about it, they will get screwed over.

And then of course a month later he says they are my original parts. So which is true? You end up not believing anything.

In the car community, he is active in the GTR forums (Battalion30Five etc), VQ Nation (G35/37) and GTA Motorheads (variety), and was trying to get into the Genesis community. He will also pretend to have access to good prices in anything else, like purses. Beware of him if you decide to do business with him. Whether buying parts, ECU tuning, motor build etc. Doesn't matter what he tells you or if he appears knowledgeable in everything. Once you give your money to him, you will either 1) not see it again 2) not see your parts 3) not see either again forever, or for a very long time.

If he has worked on your car before (and for free), you will be ok for a while, but then your car will start breaking down one by one. Ultimately in the end, you will be the one having to pay for all the parts and damages on the car. He will start making excuses to not fix it, or delay in fixing it, and you will have no choice except to go to an independent shop, and spend an arm and a leg (maybe a kidney, and part of your liver) fixing the problems he caused.

People have dealt with him before, whether in person or online, and found that he was lying about everything. Unfortunately a lot of people have also lost money because of him and are continuously pursuing to get money back. This isn't just $50 he owes to people, but rather in the thousands.

He makes fake promises on building your motor, getting you the best parts in town, all for a reasonable price. In reality, he doesn't have it. If he demands a payment or deposit upfront, don't pay him. A receipt is never issued, so you won't have proof he took your money. And that's the thing, if he has gained your trust, he won't issue a receipt. Because you trust that he will get the parts in. But don't trust anybody in business. Any transaction that is done, you demand a receipt.

He doesn't have any social skills. He buys things to impress people with money he doesn't have. You can't buy friendship or love with material things. This is not a proper way to make friends. Considering a lot of people have been scammed by him, you can tell he does this for a living. A mastermind in manipulation, lying and making lots of excuses.

LADIES: BEWARE! He will try to act all nice to you, buy you all the nice things in life (pretends that he buys them but in reality, it's his mother's money he uses), and once he gains your trust and you invite him into your life, you are basically screwed because YOU will be the one paying for all living expenses, because he doesn't work. By the way, if you date him, you will not be the only girl that he has on his side. He's a chronic liar and a cheater.

The best part is if he can't handle you, he will get his mom to do it for him. So instead of dealing with him, you will be dealing with his mother. This is a guy who is mid 30's, telling his mom to clean up after him. Unless you want to go that route, I suggest you not start any business with him.

When things are too good to be true, believe your gut feeling that things won't be right.

You're welcome.

Drunk Driving. Not Acceptable!

How many of you know someone who thinks they're so macho that after a few drinks, they say they are ok to drive home? Whether it's at a party, or a club or whatever. I'm sure all of us know at least 1 person in our lives who did or does that at least once a week. Or maybe we all did that once and that was it. Never again.

Unfortunately, sometimes that one time could be the last time for the rest of your life.

There have been many sad stories about drinking and driving accidents, but this one hit close to home. This family is a relative of a friend of mine who I went to school with. She has lost her uncle and her 3 cousins from a drunk driver.

Neville-Lake tragedy

On September 27 just after 4pm, the Neville-Lake family was driving from King City to Brampton when their van was T-boned by a SUV driven by an intoxicated driver, Marco Muzzo. Muzzo was coming back from his stag party.

The van's driver, Gary Neville was killed instantly. His grandson, Daniel (9 years old) died later in hospital. His other grandson and granddaughter, Harry (5) and Millie (2) died shortly after midnight at the Hospital for Sick Kids. The children's grandmother and great-grandmother were transported to hospital with serious injuries but are recovering.

The parents of the 3 children are devastated. They only found out about the accident when the mother, Jennifer, turned on the TV and saw the accident scene. Her father (Gary) was already an hour late in dropping off her kids. Jennifer had called her parents' cell phone but no one was picking up. That's when she turned on the TV and recognized her van.

While in hospital, Harry and Millie were unresponsive. The only thing keeping their little hearts beating and them breathing were the ICU machines. The doctors and nurses had put their beds together, so the parents could lay there and say goodbye. Just after midnight, both children succumbed to their injuries. They passed away holding hands, with their parents beside them.

This is the worst nightmare for any parent to experience.

One intoxicated driver has taken the lives of 3 children and 1 adult.

Muzzo comes from a very wealthy family, with an estate worth over $1.1 billion. I have a feeling that justice will NOT be fair because of the wealth. Because we can see that those who are super wealthy can get away with anything. He has expressed remorse on what he did, but has not said much in terms of whether he will plead guilty or not guilty for driving under the influence.

He has had 7 previous driving convictions, ranging from talking on a cellphone while driving to speeding. Yet he is still driving. Those are not criminal convictions, but depending what the moving violation tickets are, all he has to do is pay them. And of course his insurance would go up. But as part of a billionaire family, who cares? Sure, your insurance rate will be a lot higher than the rest of your friends, but hey your inheritance can pay for it.

Muzzo is facing 18 charges including 4 counts of impaired driving causing death.

I see two issues with this case. One is about how wealth can be a huge influence, and the second is how our law still does not see drinking and driving as a serious offence. So the final conviction will not be a 25 year sentence to life imprisonment.

Here is a second example.

Wijeratnes family shattered

On August 5, 2012, the Wijeratnes family of 3 was driving back from Florida to Toronto when a car was speeding down the wrong way on Highway 427, driven by Sabastian Prosa. Prosa's car slammed head on with the Wijeratnes' car. Jayanatha and his daughter Eleesha were killed. Antonette was hospitalized and recovered. Prosa had been out drinking that night and was found to be intoxicated.

His conviction? 5 years in prison and 8 years banned from driving. The verdict was reached today.

Many people would read this and think what the hell is wrong with our law and society today. Even us citizens, we don't know what the hell is wrong with our own law.

We have MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). We have RIDE spot checks and programs. We have constant messages and ads everywhere saying to take a taxi, call a friend or take the transit when we drink. To drink responsibly and be responsible. Yet people still drink and drive and shatter families. Why is that?

In the end, it's all about the law and the convictions. If the law for drinking and driving was as serious as murder, I don't think people would try to attempt to play with the law. People see the drinking and driving law as a slap on the wrist, because it really is just a slap on the wrist.

Yes people still murder people everyday. Sometimes it's a harsh penalty, and sometimes it's not. But it doesn't make it right to murder in the first place. That's why there is a law; to have some order in society. If there was no order, it would result in chaos.

People may say, well murderers have the intent to murder others. But drunk drivers only have the intent to drive home alive, not kill people. Sure, but if you have the intent to kill someone, that's first degree. If you have the intent to drive home intoxicated but cut someone's life short by accident along the way, that's manslaughter in the form of "impaired driving causing death" category. Either way, it's still a criminal offence. It's just one carries a maximum of life imprisonment, and the other is 14 years.

We see the consequences of drinking and driving and how it could shatter many lives. Yet people do it on a daily or weekly basis. Because we think we are above the law. We are macho enough to defeat alcohol and still force ourselves to drive. We want to prove to others that we can tolerate alcohol. That it's not a drug.

Please. A liquid, powder or pill that can alter your state of mind and judgement is considered a drug. Alcohol is a drug, whether you accept it or not.

So before you get into your vehicle after a wild night of partying and drinking, think about the lives you could cut short if you lost control. A vehicle becomes a weapon and can ultimately kill someone. Who cares if you have to pay extra for a parking ticket overnight, or if your car got towed. Those are all material things. Lives cannot be bought or replaced. If you can't pay for it, then you shouldn't even be partying in the first place. If you can pay for a night of drinking alcohol, you can pay for a parking ticket and you can pay for a taxi home.

The two mothers above will never get back their spouses or kids/grandkids ever again. Because of the irresponsible actions from two people who decided driving drunk was a good idea. Of the stories I've read, it seems that 98% of drunk drivers escape injuries and walk out fine from the accidents they caused, while they shatter other people's lives.

So yes, a harsher penalty and a change in drunk driving laws need to be done. Because right now, drunk drivers are walking free from their selfish acts.

"Doctor's Stethoscope" say what?

Not sure how many of you watch that show "The View" (I've watched clips of it on Youtube in the past), but there has been recent controversy about what they said this past week regarding nurses.

On September 14, the 4 ladies at the desk were discussing the Miss America pageant and the various contestants on the show when they stumbled upon Miss Colorado, Kelley Johnson. If you haven't watched the clips that have been circulating all over social media, Kelley came onto stage in her nursing scrubs with a stethoscope around her neck, and talked about nursing and how her patient made an impact on her as a nurse, and what it's like to be a nurse. Each contestant were to showcase their talent in front of the nation, whatever it may be, and Kelley decided to talk about nursing because it's her talent. Nurses all around the globe saluted her for what she said and did.

The View however did not express the same gratitude.

Michelle Collins and Joy Behar, two of the hosts of the show, were hoping for a nice monologue from Kelley but instead thought she was "reading her emails" so to speak. Then Joy asked why she was wearing a "doctor's stethoscope" around her neck. These comments have made nurses and doctors around the world pose with stethoscopes around their necks and have taken over social media websites, to stand up for nurses and what they do.

The View have tried to apologize since the comments were made public, but it was a half hearted apology that many people still do not accept.

I am by no means pissed off by the comments, because I've heard worst things being said about other people. But I am appalled by how in this day and age, there is still the misconception of who doctors and nurses are and what they do. It really affects how the younger generation will choose their career and their interpretation of how doctors and nurses should be. Social media plays such a huge role these days, and if young people are influenced by it, they will start believing what is said is true.

I understand it takes 4 years of undergrad and another 4-5 years of medical school to become a general doctor, and it could take many years to specialize in a field when you become a specialized doctor. It is a very long journey that requires a lot of work, time, knowledge, money, stress..you name it. Nursing generally speaking takes anywhere from 2-4 years (RPN - RN) and a Nurse Practitioner would require another 2-4 years on top of that (Masters is now recommended before another 2 years of NP). When you think about it, it takes 8 years to either become a doctor, or a nurse practitioner. The path is not easy either way.

Yet people still think that nurses are just doctor aids. In reality, nurses are the backbones to the health care system. Nurses are the ones who are by the bedside everyday, assessing the patients first thing at shift change. They are the ones reporting any abnormal findings to the doctors. If nurses really had less knowledge than doctors, they wouldn't be allowed to assess patients in the first place. Why not just hire 8 doctors to run the unit and get rid of the nurses? If all units in the hospitals did that, the hospital would go bankrupt in less than a day.

Doctors and nurses (along with pharmacists, social workers, PT/OT, dieticians etc) all work together as a team for each patient, to make sure their road to recovery is a successful one. No one is trying to climb to the top to succeed as the "hero" for discharging a patient home. No, it's a huge team effort to make one patient's recovery a success story.

As for the "doctor's stethoscope" comment, I can elaborate.

A few years ago while working on the unit, a patient had gone unconscious. Prior to that, he had vomited a huge amount of blood into a basin. He had a history of esophageal varices (enlarged veins in the esophagus leading to the stomach), and based on this, there was a rupture. It becomes an emergency  situation. There was no doctor on the unit, so the ICU doctor was called and he came running. I had felt the patient's pulse slowly decreasing in strength and eventually stopped. CPR was initiated but it was found on record to not do CPR, so it was discontinued. The ICU doctor came to assess, but he needed a stethoscope. He didn't bring his. I had mine at that time so I lent him mine. He declared the patient dead. With the "nurse's stethoscope".

Point is, it doesn't matter who has it or wears it. Because both doctors and nurses have stethoscopes for the same reasons, and we work together to assess a patient's condition. It is not for decoration, but it is a symbol of hope, and help. Assessment skills are key to life or death. But in most situations, it is the nurse who is by the patient's side when their condition deteriorates. It is the nurse's job to assess and determine whether further action is required. It is the nurse who is the main communicator to the rest of the team when it comes to patient conditions.

Nurses are more than just a doctor's sidekick. They are also not doctor juniors, or "those who are not smart enough to be a doctor" (my favourite!). They are health care professionals who went to school and have to remember a vast amount of knowledge. On the ward, nurses become the doctors, the pharmacists, the OT/PT, the dieticians, the waitresses, the technicians...all combined into one. It sounds crazy, but I can't tell you how many times a patient has asked me about certain drug interactions, or what food they can or can't eat, when could they start walking again after surgery, and if I could fix their TVs and remotes.

So hat's off to Kelley Johnson. I admire your speech and your wardrobe that night. You are beautiful and talented with a heart of gold, and I give you props for what you do as a nurse. Keep up with the nursing career.

As for the ladies on the View, I'm just saddened that you would still use misconceptions of the health care system to gain an audience and to make it a laughing matter. I hope one day you will see what nurses and doctors really do to save your loved ones, or yourselves. And I hope you will learn from that.

What matters the most?

Yes it's been a while since my last post, but at least it wasn't an 8 year gap between posts har har har. Life is busy when you have a life.

When you meet someone who you have waited for, for a very long time, everything starts to fall into place. It might not make perfect sense (and everything may not make sense in the very beginning), but as time goes on and you look back at how everything fell into place, you start to see a huge plan that was inspired by God above. We may not ever understand why some things happen in life, or why they happen, but know that the Man above can see everything, can feel everything, and can make a huge difference in your life if you truly believe in Him. So I thank God for bringing the good and the bad people into my life. Life has its ups and downs. If it doesn't, you're dead (i.e think of flatline and ECG).

So a topic that came to light was...what matters the most? It's such a broad topic, but in today's society, what matters most is money. Everything is getting more and more expensive. Homes are becoming almost impossible for young professionals to buy. Base car prices have become more expensive, and you get less standard features. You want more? You have to pay to play. Premium designer handbags have also increased in price (if you are a handbag lady). The products are still exactly the same, same materials, same logo. (The real question is: do you really need the best to make you happy?). So what to do when people see all this? I need more money. I need to work more.  You spend more and more time away from your family, your spouse, your partner. You are now a work horse, who is on the brink of burning out. 

This potentially can lead to infidelity. You see someone at work or near your workplace who works just as hard as you, but flashes their wealth in people's faces. At first you don't think much. You have a loving partner and family who really matters to you. But as you spend more and more time away from home, and start staying later at work to make more money, you are now exposed to your colleagues more than your own family. Your colleagues have now become your biggest influences. You start to see, heyyyy this guy or girl is living the life. I want that in mine. It's all about the excitement and the emotional attachment. One thing leads to another and boom, you just got yourself into some terrible hot boiling water. And I don't mean that in a sexy way. You end up throwing your entire life away for something so temporary, so material and so meaningless, that it could just disappear faster than when you first met up. What for? All for a potential to be with someone who could spoil you with material things, or for a brief moment of excitement, or for emotional support. What people might not know is that person might be doing it to everyone else around them. So it's not just you that he or she is pretending to spoil. Money is the root of all evil (1 Timothy 6:10).

Girls...yes we do have a soft spot for nice things. Nice cars, nice purses, shoes, manicures, clothes. So when a dude rolls up in a Ferrari or Lamborghini, the first thing a girl thinks is "this dude has money". The first thought is never "he seems to be a really genuine nice guy who cares about his loved ones." Girls are suckers for nice fast cars. And the above two are perfect examples of cars that girls know very well. It shows wealth and power, and a potential for gold diggers. So if you're a real smart gentleman, going on a first date with a girl in a low key vehicle is key. It protects yourself from being hurt in the long run. Don't be stupid and bring out a Murcielago, because you are inviting someone you barely know into your bank account. Unless you don't care and want your bank account drained.

I saw a prank video a while ago with some dudes who used a Ferrari 458 Italia to pick up random girls. Whether this was planned ahead of time or not, it shows that girls are suckers for exotic cars. The guys drive up to an area, and start telling random girls that they are bored or whatever, and ask the girls if they want to hang out. Initially they say no, because they are complete strangers. As soon as the guy points to his bright red 458, the girls' reactions change. "Oh is that your car?! Ok sure let's go for a ride!" This was probably meant as a joke, but in reality, stuff like this does happen. Maybe not as direct, but when girls see nice cars, it's just about the bling. 

You hear of girls or women who are with wealthy guys, but yet the guys don't treat them well. Sure they get spoiled with gifts and cars and what not, but they don't have that emotional connection at all. Why do they stay? Because money. Because gifts. Don't get me wrong, there are girls who don't care at all about the wealth. But from what society has been shown through media, tv shows, movies, this is the influence. Girls and guys are now being influenced to believe that if you meet someone with wealth, then that's all that matters. You deserve nice gifts by a wealthy man or woman. When you have the mindset of "you deserve all the best material things in the world", it is difficult to turn around and walk away.

So what is the point of all this? It's all about the mindset and priorities in life. If you want to get to know money, then you will spend as much time to get to know money. If you want to get to know a person, you will spend as much time with that person to get to know them. 

It's sad how in society today, people are judged based on how much material things they have, not how much care and love a person can provide in a way that cannot be physically measured. You can't measure 5 grams of love, or $100 of hugs and kisses. It shouldn't matter about what they have, what car they drive, what purse they wear or where they got their manicures. What really matters is the connection between two people through common grounds. If you start off with very uneven ground, and try to build a skyscraper on it, it will topple and fall over. You can't build the world's biggest buildings and skyscrapers if you don't start off with the same foundations. In a good relationship, there has to be that common ground. And you both build up from that ground. There will be obstacles along the way, just like if there is a beam that is too short or too big to fit in a particular corner of a building under construction. But you work together to make sure the beam is the right measurement to continue building, and to make a solid foundation so it doesn't topple over. In the end, both of you have built an empire and you celebrate your achievements together.

Another is how you were influenced by those around you. I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by loved ones who could care less about having the great material things in life. We are blessed with basic needs in life: shelter, food and clothes. Everything else that comes is just an "added bonus" so to speak. It's not needed, but it's just an extra thing on the side. When you meet a person who shares the same common foundation as you, that itself is a true blessing. Everything else that comes after, whether it's cars or whatever else, those are just extras. Those are not the main force that should drive two people together. 

So ladies, if you ever find yourself being showered with gifts by some guy that you just met and barely know, that's a huge red flag. Please run for your life. Don't look back and don't let those gifts blind you. A real man would not do that. A real man would take time out of his busy day and talk to you to get to know you better through conversation. A real man would set his alarm clock at 4am to wake up and call his loved one at work while she's on break to talk. ^___^

Finding "the one" is not like picking out gummy bears in a grocery store. It's freaking hard. The more you think about it, the harder it is to find that person. Eventually that person will walk into your life when you least expect it, and perhaps in ways in which you never imagined. Life is funny sometimes, it's interesting. We will never understand 100% why everything is the way it is, but one thing for sure is trust in God and He will lead your way. And when you look back years later, you will start to see and understand the bigger picture.

Random Post Again..

Soooooooo..who is bored and wants to read some random things? Me!

Ok let's start off with some fashion stuff. Some random stuff I was looking up online. I happened to look at Christian Louboutin shoes because they have that cool black and red concept going on. I usually like to wear black (because it makes me look skinnier) and maybe some colour accents so it doesn't look like I'm going to funerals all the time. So I thought, well it would be cool to get a pair of shoes that have black and red on them. Louboutin's came to mind. Of course the price is a bit ridiculous for a pair of heels. Second is, they don't have any style that I like. Some platforms are cool, but I can never pull off the pumps look, because my feet just won't fit in those pointy heels. Thirdly, I will probably trip and fall on my face wearing heels that high. As cool as they look, they probably don't fit my profile.

I don't know how many of you check out the Purse Form, but that place is purse heaven for all the ladies (and maybe some men) out there. I go there to research bags before I buy, especially if it's a premium designer handbag. So props to TPF for being such an informative website. Then there are times when I get bored, I'll surf the forum for random topics being discussed. I still look at Chanel here and there, but knowing the ridiculous price increase, I can only daydream about it. In the meantime, I have plenty of other bags to decide over at home.

The next thing is health care related. One thing that comes to mind is, when you are checking to see if a patient's fistula (or their life line) has finished clotting, make sure you stand off to the side of the patient, and not in front of them. Because blood will come squirting in your face. Not that it happened to my face, but my scrubs got splattered with blood. A fistula is like an artery (even though it's a big vein); every time the heart pumps, blood will squirt out. The first time that it happened to me all these years. So definitely everyday you learn something new. It was definitely a scary moment for everyone. But thankfully the patient was ok.

So this week, I have eaten at Pho about 4 times with 4 different group of friends. I always order the exact same item and the exact same size. It's pretty sad. It shows that I'm not very adventurous with pho food. But damn, that MSG is so good. I know after this, I have to boycott Pho for the next year. Yeah, who am I kidding. I admit, I have a pho-king problem.

Did you know that Hamilton is home to over 100 waterfalls and cascades? If you didn't, you should go do some exploring and hiking. You don't need to travel thousands of miles to see a beautiful view. You can get it locally. But fair warning: wear comfortable clothes, running shoes, bring water, and be prepared to do a lot of hiking and climbing over rocks. But it's so worth it!

I was driving near a mall a while ago, had my windows halfway down, listening to music (not blasting it, but when I listen to songs I like, I tend to go to LALA land), minding my own business when this black Civic sedan pulls up in my blind spot. We are both waiting at a red light by the way. So as I'm quietly jamming to my music, I hear a couple of guy voices. I thought, well I don't remember this song having guys just randomly talking in the background. But I just ignore it. Then the voices got louder. I swear for the life of me, I was mad at my music for messing up. Then I realized it was the guys in the Civic trying to talk to me. Right. So I lowered my music, and look over. They are like, Heyyyyyyyy how's it going? You have a nice ride! I said thanks. Then the driver asks for my number. I looked at the traffic light and said, it's a green light, bye! No offence but 1) I don't give out my number to complete strangers 2) especially at a traffic light and 3) sorry but you look very jailbait to me.

Who gets foot/leg cramps on a daily basis?! I do! Well, maybe not daily but enough to drive me nuts. This is due to cold weather, sleeping in a funny position, or wearing heels that are too high for me or I've been in heels for too long. Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night by bad leg cramps? Yeah it's the most painful thing ever. I've woken up in tears because of it. I blame my stupid stubborn childhood, for not drinking enough milk and not getting enough calcium. Turned to juice and pop, and it just makes everything worse. Sugary drinks and carbonated drinks = no good lah. So yes, I also get bad foot cramps while I drive, hence why I would be terrified to drive stick shift for a very long time. If you ever see me drive with a foot in my lap, it's probably because I'm trying to get rid of my foot cramp. It's not because I have a foot fetish. Then again, safest bet is to just pull over and get rid of the cramp.

Dating and relationships pfft. The topic was briefly brought up lately, and it really set me off in a bad way. Probably due to my past experiences, and people pretending to be your friends when they really aren't. They just talk false things behind your back to other people to make themselves look better. Those people are obviously trapped in high school forever and have some self confidence issues that they blame the entire world for their problems. The older we get, the more immature people get so it seems. Or maybe I'm just looking in the wrong area. Yeah, that's probably it.

CNE is opening this Friday! Who's excited to go?! I know it's the same every year, and admission gets more expensive as the years go by. But I think it's all about the vibe. It's something you can look forward to, to spend time with your family, friends, go on a nice date or something (and if it goes unwell, you can run into the crowds and get lost), and try some funky foods. This year, they have introduced some sort of dessert and poutine mixed together?! I don't know man. Poutine is already freaking awesome by itself. But mixed with some sweet stuff, I don't know. I think foods should either remain sweet or salty, but not a mix of both. I'm not a fan of tasting two different tastes: makes me nauseous. But anyways, I don't go because of the food, but because it's nice to spend a day with people who you care about and vice versa.

Countdown till vacation begins! I can't wait. At the same time it's nerve wrecking because I need to finish my project. To finish the project it's best to take a few days off to work on it, but it's impossible because I work almost everyday. This sucks. The life of a procrastinator.

The more I look at my car, the more I appreciate her. Actually, the more I appreciate God for creating us and giving us the gift of intelligence to make such beauties like cars. I mean there are times that yes, the coupe does make me mad, but it stems from all the experiences of modding her. Otherwise, she ain't that bad at all. She doesn't argue, talk or fight, she sighs by opening the blow off valve, she farts via the exhaust and doesn't care what people think, she's so pretty she turns heads wherever we go but is already taken by me. Yes, now if I can find the guy version of that, it would be awesome. Except the farting part.

Speaking of which, a good friend is in the early stages of creating a car group that will hopefully be enlightening to those who are Christ followers or seeking to know Christ. We shall call it CFC. It's in the early stages of development, and I have met those who are interested. I am proud of what they have come up with, but they definitely thank God for making it possible. Stay tuned as it is in very early stages of development.

Recently I decided to prank my parents. This was after going to the Taste of the Danforth for some food with a friend. We waited in line for this wrap that everyone said is sooo good. Except the line up was sooooo long. By the time I got to the front, I was close to passing out. Probably due to heat, having not eaten for a while, dehydrated, and being in a huge crowd. So anyways, after that near passing out ordeal, my friend saw a painting studio that offered free painting for the night. You basically have to try and copy the painting of whatever painting was displayed. The artist would be there to help guide you on paint strokes and blending. So she dragged me to go paint that flower. This is nerve wrecking, especially when you have crowds passing by and looking. It's intimidating. At the end of the night, my painting looked like a 4 year old did it.

With the prank, I decided to show my mom and ask her how she thought of it. Her reply was that it was very ... nice. And colourful. So I offered random information: I bought it from the Danforth, it was $50, in support of the local artists. That's when she freaked out. $50?! You got jipped! Are you crazy! What a waste of money! Mommy knows how much painting costs and $50 is too much for that! It looks like a child painted it! I had this all on video, so I was trying not to laugh. Eventually I couldn't stop laughing, so I told her I didn't pay for anything. It was free. And I drew it. That's when she said she would hang the painting on the kitchen wall. I said no, I don't want the nieces to see it, and then get embarrassed when they find out auntie painted it. So she said she would put it up in the basement, where no one sees. Thanks mom!

The next day, I asked my dad the same question about the painting. My mom decided to be on this, so we pretended I paid money for it. Except dad went straight to being honest to saying it looked like a child painted it. And it was not worth $50. He wouldn't pay more than $2 for it. My parents are awesome.

Anyways I think that will be it for tonight. Time to have some cereal.

Break-up Violence

Slight warning: this is a very long read. If you hate reading, you can click the link below and watch the video, or just scroll to the numbers at the bottom. I tend to get carried away with writing when ideas hit my head, and so it becomes a novel.

48 Hours is one of my favourite shows to watch. I stumbled across it a few months ago, and who knows how long they've been airing episodes, but each episode tells different real life stories and crimes. Some of the crimes turn out unsolved or are still on-going, and there are ones that do get solved but still leave lingering questions.

I've watched quite a bit of the episodes when I have some down time from work and projects. This particular episode called "Loved to Death" really drew me to the topic of dating and breakups because everyone goes through that at least once in their life. This episode reflects on a young couple, recently graduated from high school and taking the next step in their life (college/university) when both their lives were cut short. One was murdered, and the other would spend the rest of their life in jail.

The episode can be found on CBS News' website: Loved to Death
Or Youtube: Loved to Death - YT

Lauren Astley was an 18 year old graduate from Wayland High School. She was a talented musician and tennis player, and was looking forward to attending Elon University. 19 year old Nathaniel Fujita was a talented football player for Wayland High School and had gotten a football scholarship to attend Trinity College, a childhood dream. Nathaniel was Lauren's first boyfriend.

Lauren was murdered by Nathaniel on July 3, 2011. Because Lauren's family and friends were very tight-knit, her lack of communication between the time she finished work until late in the evening drove everyone to suspicion. Everyone was trying to get a hold of her, and soon her father reported her missing to the police. The following day, her body was found in a shallow marsh by a passerby. A bungee cord was tangled in her hair, and her throat had been cut. 

Lauren and Nathaniel had been dating for 3 years when she broke off the relationship a couple of months before she was murdered. Nathaniel turned to drinking and smoking weed as he could not cope with the break-up. He drifted away from friends and family and would not listen to anyone. He was diagnosed with major clinical depression. Finally, it was Nathaniel's mom who suggested to Lauren to talk to him. Lauren, being the caring and kind-hearted person that everyone knew her to be, agreed to try and talk some sense into him, because she still cared about him as a friend. When she visited him at home, he was home alone. She had not told friends she would be dropping by to visit him, so no one knew where she was at that point in time. Little did anyone know, Lauren included, that her act of compassion and concern would drive her to her death. 

It didn't take very long for police to get a search warrant for the Fujita house. They found bloodstains from the garage to the kitchen sink. Bungee cords. A mud-stained pair of shoes. And in a small attic opening above Nathaniel's room, they found blood soaked sneakers and clothes. The blood tested positive for Lauren's DNA. He was found at a cousin's house and arrested for murder. He was sentenced to life in prison with no chance of parole in March 2013. 

Right after the sentencing, Mr. Astley stood up, in tears, and walked over to Mr. and Mrs. Fujita and gave them a hug. They embraced and cried into each others' arms. This is the part that really got to me, because in murder trials, you normally don't see the victim and suspect's family embracing each other. If you do, it's very rare. It's more or less pointing fingers at each other and hating each other. But in this case, Mr. Astley did the complete opposite, and showed compassion for the Fujitas. He wanted to share his care and compassion with them because he knew they had also lost their son. Both families were shattered in different ways, because none of their kids would be coming home ever again. 

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), 1 in 3 Americans between the ages of 14 and 20 report being abused by a partner. In the world of social media, digital abuse is becoming more prominent: 1 in 4 dating teens report being harassed online or through texts by their partners. When we look back to Lauren's situation, he did exhibit some behaviour that were enough to cause some concern. Friends have reported that during their relationship, he would exhibit jealousy. He wouldn't allow her to speak to guys when he was around. He was possessive of her. Her friends didn't like him. That's enough of a big red flag. Shortly after the break up, he had tried to contact her via text and in person to give him a second chance, but she would not agree to it, and told him to leave her alone. Nathaniel did not know how to deal with this. Instead, he killed her because she wouldn't give him what he wanted: to be with her. 

A guy who exhibits extreme jealousy is very insecure and is obviously going through some issues. I once dated a guy who was very insecure and was always jealous when a guy friend talked to me. Another guy friend had bought me a gift for Christmas, and he had gotten jealous because he had bought the exact same gift. Except he had gotten me another 50 million gifts as well. Yet that one gift set him off, and he made sure his face showed he wasn't happy. The gift exchange happened at a friend's house, and my friends saw that side of him and did not like what they saw. It's a bit embarrassing because you have to act like a babysitter and say, are you ok? Don't cry. And then deal with a puppy face the rest of the night. It's guilt-driven. It makes you feel like you should acknowledge your partner's feelings, and then blame your friend for buying the gift for you. It's stupid.

It might seem funny at that point, but when I look back at everything, it's really a small part to a bigger problem. I'm no relationship expert, but I do know enough when someone is being emotionally abusive or being manipulative. Emotional abuse is very real. It has been reported that emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse because you don't see the bruises or damage. Emotional abuse destroys one's self esteem and confidence and could take many years to gain back, whereas bruises and broken bones heal from days to months. I don't want to see it that way: abuse is abuse, no matter what it is. They are all serious, and need to be acknowledged because it hurts people in many ways and lingers on for years to come.

Another guy I once dated didn't show the aggressive side until a few months into the relationship (together for over 3 years). At first it was all lovey-dovey. That's the honeymoon phase. But once the introduction to friends started, that's when it got a bit odd. When I wanted to hang out with friends, he would get mad. And say things like "Why are you always hanging out with them and not me?" even though we just hung out a couple days ago. When I invited him to friend events, he would complain and say something negative about my friends, or he would show signs that he wasn't interested in going, and that I should hang out with him. It was a constant battle. I did not want to lose my friends over some boy that could easily walk out of my life. But this was my first "real relationship" so I did whatever I could to make him happy, yet balancing my friends and family as well. Let me tell you, it's tough work. But it becomes tougher when it's a one way street, and not two ways.

I didn't know too much at that point, but I didn't see it as a red flag. I saw it as, oh just a normal behaviour. That's just the way he is, and I should accept people the way they are. And that's the thing with people who get emotionally abused: You are made to believe that everything you do or say is wrong. As years went by, it progressed to something that I wasn't sure if this is what I liked, or if I was happy. Or if this was what I wanted for the rest of my life. You know, when couples get asked by other people "So tell me why you fell in love with this person?", the normal response would be to start listing out everything that you loved about that person, and to do it with conviction. I couldn't. I couldn't find one thing that I loved about him. Now that was a big red flag in my face. And that's when I started to wake up. 

It took a few tries to break it off. Because each time I tried, he would say something to lure me back. I was being manipulated and I had no idea. Things would be ok for a while, and then an argument would ensue all over again. It was a deadly cycle. Deep down I knew what I had to do, but when I encountered the situation, I was told I'm weak, it's my fault. I should be the one mending things. Nothing is ever his fault. This is all my problem. If I break it off, I would never find anyone like him again. Damn straight, I don't ever want to deal with an emotional abuser ever again!

The break up part is always the most difficult because both sides have invested a lot of time into a relationship, and when things don't work out, then it just doesn't work out. You're incompatible. We were incompatible from the beginning, yet there was still some hope that things would work. But if you're incompatible from the beginning, it's best to not start anything. If you just break it off, earlier the better. But I can tell you, it's easier said than done.

In this particular break up, I knew it would be a bad idea to go to his house and do it alone. It would just be bad face to face. He had a bad temper, and it's either his way or the highway. I was not sure what he was capable of doing, and I did not want to find out. I certainly wanted to be alive after I broke up. So I invited a girl friend to my house and told her my plan. I was going to do it via the phone. Normally I wouldn't break up with people over the phone. I always told myself that's the chicken way out. But it really depends on the situation. If you're dealing with an abuser, you want very little contact with that person. We had to discuss and plan everything out on paper to remind me. When I made the phone call, I don't remember what I said, but what I do remember is him trying to manipulate me once again. Guilt trip me, make me feel like I'm the one who was at fault for everything. My girl friend was by my side listening in, and writing notes, circling everything on the paper, and telling me to not cave in. 

This was someone who supposedly cared for me, yet he would say mean things during our time together. The list below forms a variety of emotional abuse (verbal, rejection, put downs, being afraid, isolation, controlling money, bullying):

-You would be prettier with some make up on. 

-Your mom's a bitch. And your brother's crazy.

-Your friend (so and so) wastes so much money. Why do you even bother hanging out with him/her? Such a bad influence.

-Your friend (so and so) is so annoying. I can't stand being around her. 

-You can give me back my keys, and you can go f*ck yourself.

-Oh, look at her boobs. *every time we walked by a billboard promoting a woman and her bra*

-A boob job costs only this much. I would totally pay for it if you wanted one (excuse me, are you trying to imply something?!)

-Your religion is crazy. This is why I don't like going out with religious people.

-Why are you so weird? 

-F*ck off

-When he tells me how to manage MY money.

-Being afraid to talk about something, for the fear of being yelled at or ridiculed because it happened before on various occasions.

If you ever experience stuff like that being said to you by your partner, those are NOT normal things. Get yourself out of that situation. Get help. When it comes to the break up point, don't do it alone. Always have a back up with you in cases of emergencies.

There are different ways to end a relationship, but one thing I do recommend people do, is to NOT go to one's house alone, when no one else is there. Let's go back to Lauren's case. If she had at least told her friends she was going there, and to have them as back up, she may have well still be alive today. Or if she had met him in a public place, with her friends around just to be safe. Then again, no one expected this to happen. I believe Lauren did not tell her friends where she was going that night because 1) she didn't want them to worry, 2) she didn't want backlash from them, 3) she figured she can help him become a better person if she saw him one to one because he still cared and trusted her. And this is how compassionate people think. They don't want to cause trouble or worry amongst friends and family, and figured things will be solved if it's a one to one session. The last thing on one's mind is to think about being killed.

I believe the emotional abuse and manipulation all stems from too many differences between a couple. When a couple is not on the same track in life, have very different goals in life or being chronic liars, always getting into arguments and never a proper solution, it will bring one side to become abusive. Once it becomes very abusive, it becomes difficult for the abused to leave the relationship. When you start to hear the negative words said to you every single day, you eventually become used to it and think it's normal. So you shrug it off. But it isn't normal. Eventually, all that negativity will start eating at you from the inside and tear you apart. One little argument can explode, and that's when things can become dangerous. There have been many cases where the partner has absorbed so much abuse, that they act out and kill their partners. Then they get sent to jail for life. It's not always the abuser that can murder, but the abused if they hit the point of no return. It's very sad.

After Lauren's case, her family and friends founded the Lauren Dunne Astley Memorial Fund, to raise awareness of breakup violence, and to also live out her legacy. Elon University also held a memorial for her in May during the graduation ceremony for the Class of 2015: to recognize one of their fallen. Lauren would have graduated university this year.

For more information about the organization, visit Lauren Astley Memorial Fund

Rest in peace beautiful lady.

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So what have I learned and what are some key things to absorb?

1) Don't ever rush yourself into any relationship. Who cares if all your friends have girlfriends or boyfriends, or are getting married and having kids? Be happy for them that they found their match. But don't ever rush yourself to be with someone just so you can tell people you're with someone. It's better to be single for the rest of your life, than be with the wrong person and be miserable for the rest of your life.

2) Relationships take A LOT of work. It's not just about having the status of a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's involving all your emotions, time, commitment, money, family, friends, career. Everything. 

3) If you see many differences from the very beginning of a relationship with a person, or you are not compatible with each other, it's best to not even start a long-term relationship with that person. You're wasting your time, and you're also wasting that person's time. 

4) Don't ever think you can change someone completely when you start dating them, because they won't ever change. They are who they are. So if you don't like them the first time you're with them, don't even think about trying to change them because it won't happen. They will change only if they want to change.

5) Manipulation and guilt-tripping is not normal in a relationship. As soon as you sense that, don't ever think you're crazy because you're not. Trust your gut feeling. Hurtful words and guilt-trips will NOT make you a better person. They will destroy you completely. 

6) When a partner tells you that if you guys break up, they would commit suicide. And this is in the very beginning when you first date. Yeah, that's a sign you should RUN FAST. 

7) It has been said to observe how your potential partner treats their family and friends (AND also your family and friends). If they treat them like crap, don't expect him/her to treat you like an angel. It can range from how they speak to each other, to how they treat each other and how they all deal with various situations. If they are always angry, violent and swearing a lot, that's not a good sign. If they are always quiet and never talk to anyone, or isolate themselves or have no friends, that's also another red flag.

8) It is normal for one to feel jealous here and there, but jealousy that involves giving people death stares whenever they look at your spouse, and become threatening is not normal. One that doesn't allow you to have friends of the opposite-sex is a huge red flag. If someone looked at my partner, I wouldn't take a knife and poke them in the eye. I would be proud of my man, and I'd show him off proudly. That's how men should react. Be proud of your woman and embrace her, but don't look at them as an object or trophy wife. And definitely don't start fights with random people off the streets. Huge no-no. That would be a pre-requisite to hitting your partner in the face later on.

9) If you ever go through a bad break-up (or any break-up for that matter), NEVER meet the person at their place or yours alone. I definitely recommend meeting in a public place, or have your friends nearby. If you can, drive your own car. Don't let them pick you up. Or ask a friend to drop you off and have them on standby. If it's really bad, just do it over the phone. Don't ever accept meeting in a secluded area to "have a peaceful talk". Always think the worst case scenario because your mind will be on guard. It doesn't matter if that person's an angel during the relationship. It has come to the break up point, and I'm pretty sure the angelic side won't be showing.

10) Don't ever take your friends for granted. Good friends are hard to come by and take years to develop. Embrace and honour them, because they will be there for you through thick and thin. They may not like that you're suffering through a bad relationship or bad break up, but they will always be there to support you. So be honest to them and tell them you need their guidance and help. There is no need to feel embarrassed in asking for help. 

11) Don't take your family for granted. Parents are always annoying and always nag when they don't like your girlfriend or boyfriend, but they can see everything. They do it because they care. Yes, you need to live life and experience heartbreaks yourself, but it's crazy how smart parents are. In the end, they care about you and just want the best for their kids. 

There was a case where a girl and her mom were very close (the dad had died when the girl was young). They were inseparable. The girl eventually met an older guy who wooed her. She felt happy and introduced him to mom. The mom had no issue with him until one day he was invited over for dinner, and they were having a conversation when the guy did not agree about something, and he slammed his fist on the table. That's when the mom felt concerned for her daughter and tried to tell her to break it off with him. The girl wouldn't listen. The more she hung out with the guy, the more she was influenced that her mom was the bad person. They came up with a plan to kill her, and that's what happened. The guy had told her to do it, and he would be the getaway driver. In trial, the guy denied being involved and said it was the girl's idea. They were both convicted of murder and sentenced to life imprisonment with no chance of parole. Now she has no parents, and the guy she supposedly fell in love with manipulated her and set her up for murder. She will spend the rest of her life in prison thinking about what she did.

If you are going through emotional, physical, or sexual abuse in a relationship, you need to seek immediate professional help, or confide in a very good friend about the situation. It's not an easy thing to do, but I can tell you there is nothing wrong in confiding or asking for help. You are doing it for yourself and for your own well-being. Remember that all those negative words don't make you a better person. They will destroy you over time. And once it destroys you, it becomes very hard to get back your old self. You need to get away from the source of the abuse. Stay at a friend or family member's house. Do not tell the abuser the whereabouts of yourself. Some abusers, depending how unstable they are, will start to stalk and make threats to everyone to find out the whereabouts of their spouse. When it escalates to that point, authorities need to be called. Do not wait. Threats like that need to be taken seriously. 

If you know of a friend or family member who is in an abusive relationship, you need to reach out to them. Let them know that you're there to help. They may refuse or deny that there is a problem, but if the signs are clearly there, they need professional help. Even giving them a contact for professional help works as well. But also telling them you as a friend are there for support, it helps them as well. They may not see it right away (it can take years before they finally realize they're being abused), but when it comes to leaving the abusive relationship, they will know that you were with them all along for support. And that's what good friends and family do. 

Workplace Violence

In early July of this year, there was an article published in the Toronto Star regarding nurses and the violence they experience at work. According to the study, there has been an increase in reporting assaults, whether they are physical/sexual/verbal abuse.

The link:
Workplace Violence - Nursing

Now I've heard from plenty of people who say nursing is an awesome job with great pay and benefits, and secure because nurses are needed everywhere. Especially with the Baby Boomers heading for retirement, this will open up plenty of opportunities for young new grads. However, schools fail to really explore the dangers of being a front line staff worker. A lot of young people are exposed to the superficial aspect of nursing, but do not know the emotional, physical and mental involvement in becoming a nurse. Plus, the violence that could occur while working.

People have told me that it's normal to experience violence in the workplace because of what I do. No, it's not normal. Any workplace should be free of violence. There should not be any workplace that tolerates violence or encourages it. Personally, I have been scratched, kicked, spat on, sworn at, threatened, grabbed and bitten by people that I was trying to take care of.

This is still an on-going issue and continuous battle that all nurses face in the workplace. Just recently, a patient had sucker punched my co-worker right in the eye, because 1) he was tired and 2) he had a headache and didn't like the nurse talking to him. The third I may add, there was a bit of cognitive impairment/delay. But does it make it right to punch someone? No, of course not. Especially when that someone is trying to help you. Some first aid was required, and security was called to escort the patient back to his room. Notifying the management and writing up an incident report was done. But yet this still occurs on various units. We may blame the illness for making the person act that certain way, but really, it isn't fair to the health care workers if we aren't protected by the workplace.

The fact that violence is escalating brings up a huge red flag. Something is obviously very wrong with the entire system if nurses are getting constantly assaulted, injured, and then having to take time off work. If only nurses could punch back when they get injured, that would make it fair. But they can't. They are the ones who keep the system together, who help take care of patients from their sickest to recovery stage. As soon as a nurse punches someone, there goes the trust in nurses. In the end, no matter how much abuse a nurse experiences, they have to suck it up and deal with it. Is it right? I don't think it is. But it's not like you can rewind and erase the event. The union can only do so much, and it would require constant complaints until something happens.

Nursing schools barely touch on workplace violence, and if they did, it was only brief. They say one or two sentences that sound easy to say when they give a scenario. But until you are faced with that situation in real life, that one sentence they teach you to say may be useless. They should have included some self defence class in nursing school. I didn't learn about that until I started work. I thought it was kind of ridiculous that they would teach that, because they never mentioned much in school. Just a bunch of theory that I would never use in real life. But then I saw patients becoming increasingly violent towards the very people that are trying to help them. And then I understood why they needed to teach this course to all health care workers. I actually commend them for introducing the course to all staff before they start working.

Sometimes people let their guard down because hey, we see the patients and say, poor them. They are so weak, I have to help them. Let me tell you, looks are deceiving. The first time I worked in a lock down unit, I saw someone who looked like they needed help to dress for the morning. It was a tiny old woman. As I helped her, she was compliant and friendly. As soon as I bent down to put on her shoes, she gave a swift kick to my chest. I fell backwards, and had the wind knocked out of me. Now I understand that expression "I got the wind knocked out of me" because literally, that's what happened. Thankfully another nurse was nearby and assisted me and got this patient dressed. We had to remind the little old lady that kicking people was not allowed. You may think it's just a slap on the wrist, and it really is. Documentation is obviously necessary. But that's it. I can't deny her food or the washroom to punish her because that would just be inhumane.

Sexual abuse and violence also occurs quite frequently in health care. I remember while working as a student, I did a lot of night shifts on my days off school. I had a 12 hour night shift on one of the units, and nurses had warned me about the patient I was looking after for the night. He had made sexual comments to all the workers that were taking care of him. So they gave me a head's up. He seemed alright when I first saw him. His family came to visit and stay with him and he seemed calm. As soon as they left, that's when all the craziness happened. The attempts to climb out of bed, and the punching. Not only that, but if you were a female, he would try to grab the chest. The first time he tried to do that, I backed off. I remember telling myself, this was going to be a long-ass night, and a very brutal one. They teach you to say stuff like "that is inappropriate sir. Please don't do that again" in school, but when you are thrown into real life situations like this, that sentence doesn't mean jack. Now you might think, why not chemical restraints? Maybe some Propofol or Ativan. The whole point of having a sitter at night is to not use chemical restraints. However, it will be necessary if they go violent all night. I don't remember if he had anything to help him calm down. But I do remember half the night he was trying to climb out of bed. And it was my job to prevent him from falling out of bed. It was difficult already, but to have someone try to sexual abuse you while you try to help them, it takes guts. Giving him a shower in the morning was difficult because it requires you to be close to them. I had to stand about 5 feet away to prevent being grabbed. When the 12 hours had passed, I was thankful to be out of there, but felt sorry for the workers who had to deal with him for the rest of the day.

Abuse occurs in all aspects of nursing, predominantly in mental health. In January 2014, a nurse working for CAMH was brutally beaten by a patient, to the point he was unrecognizable. CAMH was charged, and so was the patient, for assault. The nurse could not return to work because of the injuries sustained. And yet I hear people say, well it's mental health. It's expected and normal for people to beat other people up because they're messed up in the head. No, it's not normal in ANY aspect. Just because they have an illness, it doesn't make it right in any way to go beating people up. No one should be afraid to go to work, and no one should expect to get beaten up at work.

Emergency rooms deal with a lot of violence towards staff. The crazy wait times, the delay in getting an answer fast. I think in this society of constant social media, exposure to violence in movies and being so self centred, our patience runs out pretty quick. If we don't get the answer fast, or the answer we want to hear, the first thing we do is resort to violence and try to hit something. That something is unfortunately the nurse at times. People don't realize that the doctors and nurses in the ER are probably running 12-16 hours (or maybe even more) on a regular day, dealing with many patients, and probably missing their dinner and bathroom breaks, because they want to get you the answers as soon as possible. You might peek around and see them sitting down and chatting, while you're waiting for results and getting pissed off, but what you haven't seen is the previous 10 hours of them running around. That could've been the only time they got to sit down for a few minutes to catch their breaths. So, take it easy. We know you're in pain and we hate to see you in pain. But please don't take out your anger on the people that are trying to help you. Punching them will not help either because you just knocked out 1 staff out of 10. And you just made them short staffed, which means a delay in reporting your results.

I don't want to scare potential future health care workers out there, but there are the goods and bads. They both have to be laid out on the table for you to decide whether it's the right career path for you. There are a lot of stuff that schools don't teach the young ones about what to expect in the real world. A lot of those will come with experience, but hopefully in a safe environment.

Workplace violence should be discussed more in schools. If they are to prepare future generations of front line workers, they should reduce the amount of useless theories taught in all 4 years of the program, and start introducing a course in workplace violence, including a self defence course. It's not to imply you get to beat people up, but it's to protect yourself, and also prevents the patient from harming others. They need to also touch base on the impact of mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse on health care workers. It has become more prevalent and needs to be addressed. They need to stop showing the superficial stuff of nursing, and start emphasizing a pandemic that's hitting hospitals across the nation.