Update

Birthday has come and gone; it was also the most difficult birthday to go through.

People have said the first birthday without a special loved one is the most difficult to deal with, and that I can relate. The realization that you're one year older but also one year rolling forward without them by your side.

The first birthday without M. When the clock struck midnight, tears came rolling down. There was no way I could control my emotions at that point. I cried for a good half hour in front of his urn, wishing that he was here with me. This is the first birthday since I was 10 that I celebrated without him. Almost 2 decades later. It's a very long time, covering the most important transitions in a young person's life. In a way, it's almost like starting all over again. "Mom, when are we getting a cat?" It's like the child in me is asking all over again.

Looking at his pictures, it brings back all the great memories we had over the years. The happiness in his eyes, the smile that he had, and the smiles he brought to all our family and friends over the years. The hardest part is the last few hours of his life when it keeps replaying in my head. It is very difficult for those flashbacks to keep playing over and over again. The flashbacks battle with the good memories and that's how all the emotions come into play.

For half the day, I was pretty sad. To sum it up: I cried. Nothing at that point could make me the same person I was a year ago on the very same day. Half the time I was at work, and my mind was focused on work. Once work was done, it was back to reality and my sadness. It got to the point where I could feel my body becoming stressed, and I got sick. I didn't get sick intentionally, but it just so happened my immune system just broke down and now I continue to fight this cold. This is the second time since his passing that I have gotten sick because I was sad and crying. 

Trying to move forward is the hardest part. I am thankful for a great supportive network; although friends want to get together to celebrate my birthday, they also understand it's a very tough time, and will accommodate accordingly to when I feel better to talk and hang out. It also brings me to another important point: do not take advantage of your family or friends or loved ones; do not take them for granted. When I look back at the last year of M's life, the only regret I had was not spending enough time with him. I was so focused on trying to uncover someone else's pathetic lying life, that I overlooked my loved ones. Once they pass, that's when you realize time is precious. It's sad, but sometimes it takes a passing to realize it. 

I have made a promise to myself, that I will focus on spending time with my loved ones from this point going forward. God gave us life and life is the greatest gift.

Which brings me to another thought.

I had been watching (yes, again) more crime shows and stumbled upon a case. The Gonzales family murder. Sef Gonzales was 20 years old when he massacred his entire family. The reason? Because he was failing his courses, he was afraid his parents would take away his car and other entitlements. He also wanted to be the sole beneficiary to the family fortune. While growing up, his parents worked hard to make sure their kids would have a good life (what parent wouldn't?). The Gonzales also wanted their kids to be successful in life (what parent wouldn't?) so they pushed them to succeed. Unfortunately for Sef, he felt he wasn't living up to his parents' standards. I also think the entitlement he received over the years shaped who he then became: a murderer. 

It reminds me of the Jennifer Pan case. She killed her mom, and injured her dad while staging an attempted robbery in the family home. All that because her parents' standards were too high for her. And also because her parents didn't like her boyfriend. Her parents met in Canada when they were both refugees. They married and had two children. Over the years they worked hard at their jobs, and saved enough to buy a two story home. They wanted the best for their children, but at the same time they wanted their children to succeed. They both established the foundations, and it was time for the children to shine. The thanks they got was a hail of bullets, leaving one dead, and one severely injured. 

Both of these culprits sound like someone I used to know: a pathological liar, being entitled to everything from his parents (hint: check back to my PSA announcement entry). Except he hasn't killed his family. Yet, or not that I know of. 

Going back to the cases, these days kids are raised with the sense of entitlement. And with technology being way more advanced than 20 to 30 years ago, there is a lot more that one can have access to, at the tip of one's fingertips. Back then, dial up internet was the only way to accessing the world wide web. In a way, it was my parents' way of controlling how much I could go on the internet. So when I was gaming and chatting online to other gamers, they would get pissed and pick up the phone to disconnect me. These days, there is no dial up, so these kids are going online without parental supervision, and chatting up strangers, or meeting them in person and being groomed. But I don't want to say "just kids" but even adults. Adults can also be groomed online and end up meeting the wrong person. 

I see parents also paying for their children's cell phone bills. Come on, they're in grade 1. Why do they need a cell phone? This is already opening the door to that sense of entitlement for the rest of their life. I didn't get a cell phone until end of high school (which I was very thankful my parents were paying the bill). It wasn't until I started my summer school jobs that I was able to take over the bill and start paying myself. When you are finally able to achieve it, you have that sense of relief. And now I pay both my bills and theirs as well, as a way to say thank you, and also so that they don't have to worry about more bills.

I believe a lot of it has to do with the friends you make, and the way the parents teach their kids the way of life. I am thankful the friends I have were not into drugs or money or anything illegal. Part of it is also judgement. Parents teach kids to not be around "bad people". Some kids become rebellious and test out the waters, not knowing it is very easy to get sucked into that bad world. It takes 10x the effort to get out of it. Just like any other Asian parents, mine were (and I guess still are) strict to some degree. Growing up, it was all about achieving well in school, in order to go to a good university, get a good job, and have a good life. 

I'm not sure if the intelligent gene skipped me but I was definitely not blessed with Straight A's. The math gene skipped me for sure, but my parents never gave up on me. They did their best to send me to tutor classes, regardless if I was doing well or not, and always told me to try my best. They don't expect me to have straight A's, nor have scholarships lined up or anything like that. As long as I tried my best, then it puts a sense of relief. With piano lessons, they found the best teacher available in the city to teach me while growing up. Those years were brutal. I knew my parents invested a lot of time and effort to make this possible, and I knew piano lessons were not cheap. My piano teacher threatened me each time a piano piece was not perfect, saying if I didn't improve by next week, then don't think about coming back again to learn. 

Some people don't believe in tough punishments when raising kids, but I believe there has to be some degree of punishment for sure. But it has to be the right mix of punishment and love. I hated the threats and punishments whenever I failed, but I knew I had to achieve it. For example, with piano I knew it took a lot of time, money, and energy. But with 10 years of lessons, I knew I wanted something out of it, not just for myself but I wanted to do it for my parents. I pushed myself and in the end, I received my piano performer's diploma from the Royal Conservatory of Music. I wanted to be the first one in the family (both immediate and extended) to achieve this goal and I did. Graduating from piano and high school at the same time was exhausting and was a huge turning point in my life, but my parents were happy for me. Then again, I couldn't have done it without them, or without God providing me with great parents.

Asian parents also don't express their happiness very well either. You don't see them throwing a big celebratory bash for their kids when they graduate school or something. Instead, it's "well if you had practiced more, you could've gotten a higher grade". I wouldn't say it's the best motivation, but this can also affect a kid's self esteem as well. Especially these days, anything you say can affect someone. Maybe it's also the media that plays a role. When we are all exposed to media and what is said, or how it's said, we think it's the norm. So when we hear "old school stuff" being said to us from our older generation, we get offended. And vice versa. 

With the Pan case, I believe a lot of second generation Asians growing up in the Western culture can relate. There comes a point where parents just don't know when their kids are all grown up, that they can stop controlling their lives (as we younger people like to put it). But as long as they are alive, kids will always be kids, even when they are 60 years old. Parents will always be parents. A great quote from my mom: "you will never know what it's like to be a parent until you become one. Then you will know. " And it's true, I will never know until then.

At the same time, kids will grow up to be adults (or so we hope...because there are still guys in their mid 30's who still act like they're 5), and eventually they will need to start making their own decisions with their life, make mistakes, and learn from them. When your kid can start making their own income, manage their life, learn from their mistakes and also show they can take care of you, that's when you know you have succeeded in raising them. Be a proud parent for achieving that. The goal will be there, but the path to getting there may not always be straight and easy. It may take one kid 6 months to get there, and for others maybe a year or 6 or 10 years. Either way, be supportive as a parent. Continue to encourage them through the thick and thin. In the end, it's not even about the goal. When they look back, they will see whether parents were there for them or not. And that's how I looked at all my goals and achievements. It wasn't the goals that I was happy for, but the fact that I have supportive parents, family and friends that were there for me during the good and some of the darkest moments of that journey.