Crime Shows

I rarely watch TV, as ridiculous as it sounds. The influence came from my grade school teacher, who didn't allow her 2 daughters to watch tv on weekdays. She told my mom during one of our parent teacher interviews, and from that point on, my mom decided to put that rule on me as well. That was about 20 years ago.

I probably watched more tv when I was at the babysitter's place than when I was at home. Growing up it was about those extracurricular activities: piano lessons, skating lessons, swimming lessons. Eventually I got used to it. I think I remember way more tv shows when I was a kid versus when I hit high school. Lamb Chops, Barney, Power Rangers, Rugrats, Reboot, Simpson's...there were probably a few others but those are the ones I can recall very quick.

That's why when friends come up to me and ask me about the latest ad they saw on tv, or about the latest shows, I look at them with a deer in the headlights look. Because I really have no idea what they're talking about.

Now with constant access to the internet at your fingertips, it is way more easier than cable tv. It's insane how technology and internet have really took off since the late 90's and early millennium. I still remember the elementary school days where I had to use dial up internet in order to go on the internet. The connection got lost immediately when someone picked up the phone. It was always a pain when I was playing Flight Simulator 98, and flying with people online. Ahhh, good times.

I was surprised how much Youtube has on their search engines. Before it was all about short clips back in 2005. Nowadays, there are movies, shows...it's crazy. Which brings me to shows on Youtube.

I've always been into crime drama or crime shows. There's just something fascinating about it. But I think what really intrigues me is the mind of a killer. How did they end up getting to that point, what was their family history like, what was their upbringing like, their childhood etc. I never thought about going into criminology or forensic analyst, but it would be an interesting field to go into, although a very stressful and emotionally draining one.

This brings me to a few shows that I have been addicted to lately: Scorned, Love Kills, The First 28 Hours, Deadly Women, Deadly Affairs, Happily Never After and Behind Mansion Walls. These shows all are inspired by real life crime, bringing them to life. The first time I saw one of those episodes, I thought they were made up stories, but when I did more research on some of the most interesting crimes, they were actual crimes.

All the crimes have people from different backgrounds, and what I mean is upbringings. But it's very similar in terms of theme. A lot of the crimes I've noticed involved a third party, or money. It doesn't matter whether they come from a very wealthy background or not. We may think the super rich family life is perfect because they can buy whatever they want, but it is far from that. Money can make a person evil, from both the inside and outside.

I wrote a post last year about money and cheating. It's pretty much a common theme. Someone may have a lot of money, to the point they don't even know what to do with it. But then there are some who do have money, who will pay for a good time, regardless if they have a spouse and kids. It's about the selfishness and wanting to make themselves happy. Or getting a high so to speak. And when you have all the money in the world to buy whatever you want, it's tempting. Then you lose control. Once you've done a crime, it's impossible to just pay your way out of it, especially when it comes to murdering a spouse or family member. At that point, it doesn't matter how much money you have in the bank account because you'll be in jail until you die.

So from what I've seen and read, spousal abuse and murders don't just happen in the lower or middle class, but it can happen to the rich as well. I find it much more deadly when it involves a super rich powerful person because they can lie their way out of things or pay for people to be quiet, because they have the resources for it. Doesn't make it right, but you can see how evil the human heart really is.

Behind Mansion Walls was pretty intriguing because it focuses on crimes relating to the super rich. Not just millionaires, but billionaires. They owned many properties, cars, yachts...things that working class people only dream of owning. Yet we see even as millionaires or billionaires, they still want more. A common theme is that one spouse is a self made millionaire, while the other spouse is a regular working class person. Maybe they got bored of each other, or a third party was involved, but when it comes to divorce, the millionaire does not want to split their income with their spouse (especially if there's no pre-nup agreement). Instead of splitting 50/50, they rather kill their spouse and keep their earnings. Through investigations, the truth is revealed. Bottom line is, it's all about money.

I can see why (I mean anyone can see why) while battling a divorce, they wouldn't want to split 50/50, especially if you are super wealthy. You made or inherited all your income. Why should you pay half of that to your spouse who is leaving you? It's yours after all. But I would rather do that than kill them and then go to jail for life for murdering them. Who wants a life in jail until they die?

Besides, I'm not a person who supports divorce. Mark 10:9-12 states:

Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” 

10 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 

11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 

12And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

There is a reason why God does not allow divorce (unless the spouse commits adultery); we can see how much heartache and issues divorce can cause to many people. We can see how much money couples have to input into divorce proceedings, lawyer fees, miss work because of court dates, and it's even harder when it involves children, because now there is also child support involved, along with who gets custody of the children. It becomes even harder when it's a messy divorce. Did God intend for all this to happen? No. Because we ourselves stray our hearts away from God. We chose to "follow our hearts" and not with our minds. We shouldn't be blaming God for our problems, because we are the ones who created the problem. We are the ones who strayed away from His warnings and commandments. God wouldn't want us to go through that, so that's why He created this commandment, because He loves us and cares.

Once again, it really depends how you see money. Money can be seen as two ways: temporary materialistic thing or a bad addiction. For some people (or a lot; I don't have stats on it), money is an addiction. There's a difference between being addicted to money, and being frugal with your money. There are times I am frugal with money, but then there are times that I need to buy something on the spot (say for example, like sanitary pads or food) and I don't really think about trying to compare 10 stores to see which has the better deal. I'll just buy it because I need it now. With money addiction, it's all about getting as much money as you can, whether it's through legal or illegal means. As soon as a portion of money is gone or missing, you try to do whatever you can to get it back, legally or not. Money ends up driving your life. And that's the life that becomes dangerous.

My initial theme of the post took a turn, but in a way it was suppose to branch out a bit. I used to watch CSI, along with Law & Order: SVU, but they are only entertainment shows, not real life crime drama investigations. I find the real life crime dramas much more fascinating because it involves real crimes. They analyze the crime from different angles and really go in depth into the history of how it led to the crime. For those interested in the field of criminology, it's a good start to learning and also helps with basic assessments of a crime.

Coping Follow-Up

Time really flies.

It's been almost 2 months since M has been gone. In terms of coping with his loss, I'm not sure if it's been improving or not. People have said I've improved, but I feel like I haven't. 

I don't even know which stage of grieving I'm in to be honest. I don't think I've fully accepted the reality of it all, because part of me feels that he's still sleeping in the closet and hiding from us. But part of me is saying he's gone already, he's not here anymore.

It's been difficult trying to find new routines, in order to cope with his loss. I feel guilty for doing it since I don't want him to think I'm forgetting all about him and moving on with my life. The morning routine is the most difficult because I would be the first to wake up and feed him breakfast before I go to work. When I wake up now, there's a sense of loneliness. There is no more meowing for food, no more rubs against the leg for a pat. And it becomes really difficult making my own breakfast, without making his first. 

Mom and I used to take turns changing his water bowl in the mornings after his passing, as it was our routine for many years. It hasn't been changed for some time, but I can see the water levels becoming lower and lower as it evaporates over the days. It hurts to see, because it's a strong reminder that he isn't coming back to eat his food or drink his water. Part of me still thinks, oh he's thirsty today. Good boy, he's drinking. 

Going out shopping with the folks is one thing. We have a habit of splitting up to shop, then meeting at a certain time to go home together. And for many years, we would always meet up at 5pm or so, because we had to go home and feed M dinner. It is still very similar to this day, that we would still meet up right before dinner to go home. But there is no one to go home to. We either go out and have dinner, or go home and make dinner. There is still that routine that hasn't changed.

I haven't had many dreams about M since his passing. It's probably because most nights I never get a full night of rest and go into REM. I would get angry or stressed when I didn't dream of him, whereas my folks would dream of him, and tell me about their dreams that he is in a happy place now with other cats. It felt like he didn't care about me or forgot about me. But I knew that wasn't the case, because I was still so hurt that I couldn't fall asleep properly. 

The other night, I did have a dream about M. He wasn't there in my dream, but the theme was about him. Our family had moved out of town, and got a huge home. I think it was because we couldn't cope with his loss anymore and decided to move. I don't remember how the new home looked like from the outside, but the inside was beautifully decorated. Huge foyer that led to the kitchen. Before the kitchen, there was a nicely decorated Christmas tree, with wrapped presents under the tree. I remember the feeling of being free from the city and now in a quiet small town area. But then a sense of loss came upon me. We had this huge place, but M wasn't there. And that's when I started crying. I remember I dropped in front of the tree and just started crying.

Then I woke up.

To me, it meant quite a few things. He passed away before Christmas. 18 years ago, we took him home a few days before Christmas. We had celebrated so many Christmases together over the years. Even though in my dream we had this huge place, it didn't mean anything considering M was no longer here with us. You can have all the money in the world, but it will not bring back a family member who has passed on. So this is why I don't see money as a drive for me, because I can't bring him back with it. Money can only stay here on this planet, but you can't take it with you when you pass.

You know what they also say? That we tend to dream about stuff that has been on our minds for so long, or stressed about, that it plays out in our dreams. For me to have that dream, after months of not having dreams...it tells me it's always on my mind. 

To this day it's still very hard to deal with his loss. I haven't seen many friends since he's passed. Part of it is because I don't want to spread my grieve onto their lives. I didn't really celebrate Christmas or New Year's. I only talk about my true feelings with a couple of people. My sense of happiness is gone. I haven't done anything I used to enjoy before his passing (piano, hip hop dance, car stuff, even purse stuff). It just feels empty. I do feel a lot of guilt though: wishing I could have spent all my free time with him, debating with myself whether sending him to the hospital was the right call, debating whether I did all that I could to try and save his life...it goes on. 

The next one to overcome is my birthday. I don't have plans to celebrate it; if anything I just want it to be over and done with. It's just hard to be celebrating something without M by my side, since he was always here. Work can only go so far to distract me from reality, because at the end of the day when I come home, reality hits me. I still break down almost everyday, mostly at home and sometimes at work during break time. It is also when no one is around that I have bad break downs.

Who knew losing a furry pet could impact our entire life. Mentally I knew he was getting old and one day was going to go, just like the rest of us. But emotionally, it's very hard to accept. They say it takes time, but it's also when the mentality and emotions mend together as one, in order to finally accept the truth. 

Miss you M.

Break up, Back up

Most of us have gone through at least one break up in our lives. Some maybe not, but that's ok too. Some have amicable break ups. Some have terrible break ups, and unfortunately some people lose their lives while trying to break up. Everyone has different views on how to break up, or how to deal with a break up. There is really no "right" answer, but there are different ways you can cope with it, and ultimately the most important thing is that you move on and so does the other person.

Nowadays, there's a trend that I see (or maybe it's just me). People who break up but then try to sue each other in court for money. Or try to go after your ass over gifts that were given to you. Once again, it's all about money. 

This is what I don't get. Why waste all your resources and money trying to fight and sue...to get more money? I can understand if it's over quite a bit of money, like 10K or more. But over a few hundred bucks, I would just leave it and move on. Life is too short to be fighting over ridiculous amounts of things and in the end, you will still die and still leave all your materialistic things here on earth. 

I'll give you an example from my experience. Considering I've never dealt with anything at this level before, I will share with those who have never encountered this before, to shed some red flags from the beginning of a (bad, unhealthy) relationship.

First off, if you start off a relationship being showered with expensive gifts, that's a red flag. You can't buy someone's love. You have to have that mutual respect and connection with someone first. Someone who can understand you, make you happy, can talk to you and connect with you on many levels (emotionally, mentally, spiritually). You don't need to buy things to make a person happy. Being there for them, someone to talk to, can already make them smile.

Second, if they are telling you wishy washy things (i.e not answering your question directly, avoiding eye contact, making up a bunch of excuses), they are lying about something. When you catch them in a lie, and they deny it by making up excuses, they are lying to your face. Being honest is such a huge thing, because that's how you develop trust with someone. But when they are always lying, you can't trust them. Simple. The biggest lie that I was ever told was him having a job, when he didn't have one. Why did I not catch on? I have no idea. Probably because I was too nice and trusted that he was a grown ass man who knew what he was doing with his life, when it was the complete opposite. You'd expect a man in his 30's to know what he's doing with his life, but not this one. He still relied on mommy to clean up after himself.

So if you suspect something weird about your dating partner, trust your gut instinct. It is almost always right.

So the break up happened, you wash your hands clean. You move on. 

Or so you think.

Normal people would take their stuff back after a break up. This one didn't. It was a bunch of excuses of why he was unable to come pick up his stuff, even after giving him a week's time to pick it up. Well, too bad so sad. Doors locked. 

If your ex's items remain in your hands after a break up, and you have given them ample time to pick it up but they don't, or they never show initiative to pick it up, you have the right to do whatever you want with it. Your house, your choice. You may choose to throw it out, or sell it, or whatever else you want to do with it. 

I have friends who think I'm way too nice, because I actually took the time and MY OWN ENERGY to move all his crap and drop it off at his family's place. I didn't have to, and I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't do it, but I really did not want any of his items around. So what's yours is yours. What's mine is mine. 

You would think after all that crap, I could at least move on. But NOPE! THERE IS MORE!

If you get any emails, letters, phone calls from the ex, threatening to take you to the cops if more items were not returned, don't take any of that crap. Let's be real here. First off, the cops aren't going to do anything. This is a civil matter. Cops would not get involved if one person left their stuff willingly at another person's place and didn't have it returned, unless you stole something from your ex or their families, or if you set their house on fire or something criminal. Then that's when cops will get involved.

If your ex gave you gifts during the relationship, or even after a relationship and didn't expect anything back (like money for example), then that's considered a gift. I'll give you an example. I was given a wallet, and was told it was bought long ago and it finally arrived in the mail. That was last year. This recent letter now suddenly says it was for his mother. So let me get this straight: if you got a gift that was intended for someone else, why would you give it to Person B?? You just dug yourself your own grave if you want to try and sue Person B to get that item back. 

If they want the gift back, they cannot rely on the police to get the gifts back, even with receipts and invoices and what not. This has now become a civil matter, where it would have to be settled in small claims court. So technically, yes, you can be sued. I know, so stupid right? It better be worth it to sue then. Because not only does the other party have to pay to file a claim, but then they would have to hire a lawyer, and if they lose they will have to pay a bunch of court fees. In the end, the fees would be much more than the amount of what they're suing for. As I said, it better be worth it.

So ladies and gentlemen, if you ever receive any threatening emails or letters saying you will be arrested or charged with theft (because the ex decided the gift to you months ago is no longer a gift anymore), don't believe that bull crap. You cannot be arrested or charged over a gift. Receiving a gift and keeping it is not breaking the law. It's like saying a guy buys his girl a 20K diamond engagement ring, but they then broke up. The guy initially doesn't want the ring back, but 6 months later decided he wants it back. Well, too bad. The girl can do whatever she wants with it. She can sell it, keep it, give it to someone else, or give it back to you. If you do not act on it first thing after a break up, then that person can do whatever they want with it. Take it as a loss. The guy cannot go to police and have the girl arrested for theft because it was a gift. He can sue her for money if he chooses, but he cannot have her arrested as this is a civil matter. She did not break any laws.

It's easy to say I wish I never met that person, because they ruined my life. I see everything as "God has a reason why they were introduced into my life." It might sound crazy, but it takes time to understand it all. Sometimes I won't even recognize it until a few years down the road when I see the bigger picture. I may not understand why this sap came into my life right now, but when I see the big picture later on, I will see it and understand it.

This is why I recommend people to just move on with their lives. If you really have some important things to pick up after a break up, do it right away. Don't wait until 8 months down the road. The most normal thing is to pick up stuff soon after a break up, and just move on. Don't even look back. Suing for money is not your problem; it's theirs. Suing is a waste of time for many reasons: wastes lawyer time, waste of time waiting to get a court date, wastes YOUR time (because YOU'RE the one who has to lose a day of work), waste of money and resources, waste of brain cells fighting back and forth.

No break up is worth spending thousands of dollars. Because in the end when we all die, we can't take our money or worldly possessions with us. Why kill yourself over something stupid when you should be living your life? Be strong, live a life worthy of your calling, and don't let threats like this stop you from being who you are. 

Steps to Premier Designers

The shift from contemporary designer to premier designers products can be a huge step for a lot of girls and women. For some, it is easy. For most, it's a huge step which requires a lot of planning and work.

People can get intimidated by premier designers. I know I was one of them. I was always afraid of walking into those high end brand stores, because I felt that I didn't belong. I felt those stores would only cater to the ultra rich or elite. But you know what? There is no way they can tell. They are just regular people working a job, trying to sell products. They were not trained to scan everyone's minds to see if they are billionaires or not. If you know what you want, you walk in like a champ and go for it.

People may think premier designers are only geared for the super elites, and only for them. That's what they want us to think. It's almost like university programs. They raise the standards so they can filter out those who do not reach the minimum requirement, and keep those who have higher grades. But this doesn't mean only "smart people" can stay in the program. There are gifted students, and then there are students who work and study 10x the amount of others because they want to be in the program. That's how I see it: you want to get a premier designer item, you achieve it by working 10x as hard. Anybody can have it; it's a matter of the mentality of getting there.

Everyone has their own experiences on how they get to premier designers. Everyone will offer different advice on how to get there. My advice and opinion is just one of many. But there may be a common theme. These steps are just guidelines; not necessary to follow exactly step by step.

1) Savings
This is a general way of saying "watch how much you spend." Start from the very beginning of when you start working. For example, summer jobs as a student. Don't blow all your earnings on a purse that summer, or don't blow your first paycheque on a designer item. It's nice to feel that you're the first person within your peers to own a premier designer bag. But if that continues to occur each summer, you will regret it in the long run. Besides, impressing people can only go on for so long. Eventually, people will get tired of it, think you're a snob, and distance themselves. Why should you impress other people? It's a waste of time and effort.

So start saving early. Use whatever opportunity you have to put it aside for your future.

2) Pay your bills and budget accordingly
This is quite obvious. Do not let a premier designer bag obsession take control of your life, including your everyday living and bills. Pay your bills first: mortgage, rent, insurance, car, hydro, cable, cell phone, property taxes, groceries. Once you've done all that, whatever you have left, put it aside. It is much harder when you have a home to pay for, because all your earnings (if not most) will go to bills. When you're a student with no mortgage, pay off your student loans first (if you have any). Focus on the important bills first. Bags will always be there, so there is no rush to get them. You rush, and you will regret it.

I once knew of a dumb dumb who did not know how to budget at all. Spent all "his" money (it was actually his mom's money) on expensive designer goods to impress people and girls. It got to the point that people didn't care anymore because he wasn't an honest person. And then he couldn't pay the basic bills. So not only did he bankrupt himself, but he bankrupt his family. Don't be like this dummy. Be smart, and prioritize your life accordingly.

3) Split savings
These days, there are banks that offer various chequing, saving, emergency fund and investment accounts. It's good to have it all and split them accordingly. These will be your main accounts. Then you can have a separate "splurge" account where on a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly basis, you put aside whatever amount you feel is comfortable in that account. For example, you put aside $300 a month, or $150 bi-weekly, or $75 a week. In 7 months time, you will have $2,100 saved up. You can either decide to get the item you really want, or continue to put in more. The more, the merrier.

4) Assess your financial situation

If a bag costs $2,000, will you be able to pay it off right away, or will it take you a month to do it? The best thing to do is to always pay it off as soon as you can. Give yourself a time limit. Depending on how much an item is worth, I give myself a 2 week limit to pay it all off. But most of the time when the bill comes, I pay it off right away so I don't have to worry about it. It helps to keep a good credit score by paying things on time.

Those are the main ones when it comes to the financial part. The best time to start saving and get a head start is when you're a student. 

5) Research your item

Nowadays with the internet just a fingertip away, it is easy to research. If you are interested in an item, I would suggest doing some in-depth research online first before dropping your hard earned cash on the table. Depending on the premier designer, some companies like Chanel do not put up their prices on their website, whereas Prada, Louis Vuitton and Gucci have prices listed online. Designers such as Chanel figures if you can afford their items, then there is no need to put up the prices, because you can afford them regardless. It drives me nuts because it's such a snobbish thing to do.

When that happens, there are two options. You either call up the local boutique to inquire about a product and price (and they will give it to you right away) or you search up online to find a price. The most accurate is calling the boutique right away. That way, you have the baseline price. If you decide to go the used bag route, then it will give you an idea of what price a used item SHOULDN'T exceed. For example, when I was really interested in the Chanel WOC, I called up the local boutique to ask about price. It's less intimidating as you're not face to face with any sales associates, but because there are so many variations of WOCs, prices can vary so I would have to be detailed on the item description and serial number.

What kind of item are you interested in? Large tote? Medium shoulder bag? Small clutch? There are a variety of styles and sizes, so focus on what style and size you want. 

Depending where you live, sometimes the items are readily available, and then there are times you have to be put on a waiting list. Chanel and Hermes are known for putting people on wait lists. Chanel for their infamous double flap bags (whether it's the medium or jumbo) and wallet on chain (WOC), and Hermes for their Birkin and Kelly. Here in Canada, I've noticed products are usually available in Chanel so you don't have to be put on a wait list, unlike in the States where a lot of people wait for months to years for a product.

Once you have the price baseline, you can start researching online. One of the most helpful websites for designer handbags is The Purse Forum. It has all the contemporary and premier designers, with sub-forums and informative posts. There are prices from all over the world, pictures, you name it. The best place to do your research. 

Another one would be Youtube and Google. Depending on the item you are looking for, there are people out there who do bag or product reviews, and are willing to share with the rest of the world whether it's worth buying or not. There are fashion blogs that review designer products as well. 

There are also consignment shops, either international or local that have used bags for lower prices:

-Fashionphile (based in California)

-Jodiday's closet (based in Toronto)

-Love that Bag (based in Montreal)

-Yoogi's Closet (based in Seattle) 

To name a few. 

Be careful of sellers on Ebay, or Kijiji as the chances of getting a fake or replica handbag is high. You don't want to spend your hard earned cash on a fake bag. Nor do you want to spend any money on a fake bag, as the quality will not be the same as the real thing. It was also found that those who sell fake bags have ties to terrorism, human trafficking rings, and drug trafficking. So please, if the price is too good to be true, it is most likely a fake. Best thing to do is to save up and buy the real thing from a boutique. 

6) Trying it on

After you have spent all your time researching this product, now it's time to go in and try it on yourself. This itself can be intimidating for some people, as you may encounter non-friendly sales associates in the boutiques, or just being in the presence of a designer boutique is already scary enough. But don't be. Remember, you aren't necessarily buying the product right away. This is why it's called shopping, because you look around and see whether you like the product or not. If you don't, then you don't buy it. 

Once you've stepped inside, you may have a SA approach you to ask if you need any help. From my personal experience, Gucci and Prada had SAs that came up to me and asked if I needed help, whereas with Chanel and Louis Vuitton, you would have to approach them to get help. I guess it all depends on location and depends how busy it is inside the stores. Either way, if a SA does not approach you first, you can always approach them. 

This is when you ask them about the product you're interested in. The SA would bring out the product(s) for you to look at, so take this time to really check out the details. Try it on. Look in the mirror. This will be the moment of whether it suits you or not. Ask questions. By all means, try out various products. If it helps, bring in your best friend or husband for emotional support, and for advice as well. Spend as much time looking over the product. 

7) Dress code

This is a debatable topic, because people have different experiences. Those on the Purse Forum noticed that if one was to dress up very professionally, they did not get treated well. Versus those who showed up in casual clothing. I'm not saying you should go in a bathing suit with flip flops on, but I don't think it's really necessary to go in looking like a lawyer either. 

When I think about my dress code, I really didn't dress up glamourously in all my shopping trips. It was either a casual summer dress, or a sweater with jeans. There was one time my mom and I decided to walk into Chanel, and we were both dressed up that day. But no one approached us. To some people working there, if they see people too dressed up, they know people are trying too hard to look "rich". And that's what shoppers experienced too on the Purse Forum.

The second time I went into Chanel to pick up a felt protector for the WOC, I showed up in my hospital scrubs. I got greeted right away actually. The lady asked if I needed any help, and I had told her my SA said it was ok for me to come in and pick up a felt protector, and if she needed to see my receipt, I had it as well. She never asked for it, but instead went into the back and got the protector for me. She came out and also helped me put the protector on the WOC.

So from my own experience, dressing casually but neat is sufficient. 

8) Final decision

So you've seen the product, touched it, tried it on, got all the advice, looked at all the details. Now it's the decision of whether you want it now or later. Or never. If you have to second guess yourself, then perhaps this is not the right product for you. If you have decided that this is the right one, and you have already assessed and met all the steps above, then go for it. 

Purchasing a premier designer product is always an exciting experience. It's one that you won't forget. When you have determined you are ready to buy, it becomes an exciting adventure. Treasure the moment, and definitely celebrate it with someone you love and care about as well.

9) Purchasing
This is the fun part (and of course the sad moment when you give your cash away). Most premier designer shops will have a waiting area where you can sit and relax, sip on some water or champagne while you wait for your item to be wrapped. It's the exciting moment when they step out with your bag.

10) Saying thank you
I have no idea how much commission SAs get when they sell a product, but depending how the SA is, I usually give them a thank you card along with a gift card of some sort. Especially when they go above and beyond to help me. Doing this will not get you on the VIP list; it's not about getting higher on the list. It's the small token of appreciation that can brighten up their day.

These are just some of my advice and experiences when it comes to shopping for designer goods. You can still apply this with contemporary designers, and with anything else. Thanks for reading.

Into the New Year

Happy New Year to everyone all around the world. May this year be filled with blessings from above, and exciting new adventures.

I have to admit, counting down with my folks was very difficult. It was depressing actually. And ringing in the new year was even worse. I don't think I've ever cried on new year's day. It was probably the worst new year's experience of my life. The answer is obvious: M isn't here anymore. Normally he would be walking around us when we count down, or sit on the stairs watching us. But whenever I look up from the TV, he isn't there anymore. It's an empty feeling inside, like you can't move on without having that person or pet around you.

I would go to malls to walk around and let off some steam. As soon as I pass by the pet food area, that's when I lose myself. I start balling. It just brings back memories and routines. I have to avoid pet stores and pet food area at superstores for the next little while.

That is also why I found it so hard to ring in the new year. Because I felt that I was leaving M behind in 2015. But as one family member put it: you aren't leaving him behind. You have him in your heart...he will always be there, and you carry him with you into 2016 and beyond.

I need to start remembering that and also start accepting that too.

This will be a few random thoughts, so I'll start that off as a new year post.

A couple days ago, there was an Air Canada flight from Shanghai, China to Toronto, Canada and while it flew over the Rocky Mountain area, the flight experienced severe turbulence. So severe that people were thrown from their seats up to the ceiling and back down to the floor. It was really bad that they had to make an emergency landing in Calgary to usher the injured off the flight for treatment. In total, about 21-22 people had injuries that needed to be treated. The flight then took off from Calgary to continue its final destination to Toronto.

Now there are talks about making seat belts on airplanes mandatory on all flights. I would agree with that. This is how I see it: when you are in a moving vehicle (a car), you wear a seatbelt. You don't take it off until you've parked. There is never an instance (nor does the law allow it) that once you hit the highway, you can unbuckle your seatbelt. Or if you are driving on the local roads, or country roads.

Same thing with an airplane. A plane is moving, not on the road, but high up in the sky where sometimes it's hard to predict how bad the turbulence can be. Yes, there are radars that pilots have that can tell them if it's bad or not. But really, sometimes you just never know. And when you hit that turbulence, it can become a madhouse.

My habit while flying is that I always keep my seatbelt fastened. I don't care if the belt sign is turned off and it's ok to remove it, but I never do. The only times I unbuckle it is when I need to use the washroom, or after we land and it's time to get off the plane. Those are the only two times I have it removed, otherwise they remained fastened. My most recent flight trip hit bad turbulence to Vancouver, lasted about 20 minutes and it was bad. Not as bad as the above flight, but it was nauseating enough.

The part which baffles me is when the seatbelt sign comes on, and the flight attendants announce bad turbulence and for everyone to sit down in their seats, yet people still get up to use the washroom. HELLO? DO YOU WANT TO DIE? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH? Actually, most if not all flights now have all types of languages, so DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN LANGUAGE? PLEASE SIT DOWN AND FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT????

And then of course when they go flying against the ceiling, they start suing the airline for their injuries. All people care about is money and more money. It's ridiculous. Come on, the human bladder can expand quite a bit and hold a lot of pee. Nurses can go without peeing for 12 hours (their entire shift), so I'm sure you can hold your pee for an extra 20 minutes. I'm not saying it's safe or healthy to hold your pee for a very long time but at least obey this one command and sit your ass down with your seatbelt on. Follow the damn rules for once and stop acting like an entitled brat. Flight attendants have enough crap to deal with on their plate, so give them some respect.

Then there are the ones who stand up, as soon as the plane lands. WE HAVEN'T EVEN TAXIED OFF THE RUNWAY YET! What part of PLEASE SIT DOWN UNTIL THE PLANE COMES TO A COMPLETE STOP do you not understand??!!!!! Does it make it any faster if you stand up to grab your stuff from the overhead compartment while the plane is still taxi-ing to the terminal? NO! Because you still have to sit your ass down! Unbelievable. The worst ones are the Chinese. I'm not being racist here (considering my background is of Asian descent) but that's what I've noticed. And it pisses me off because it's those bad apples that make the entire race a bad race.

Kudos to the flight attendants for doing their best in getting things under control and dealing with stupid people all the time. I don't know how you guys and girls do it, but if I were a FA, and people said stupid things to me, I would throw juice at them.

Tonight we noticed a gentleman slumped over in his car beside us. The car engine was still running, with the lights on. His head was against the steering wheel, and it looked like he wasn't moving at all. First thought was, maybe he was sleeping? But it was hard to see if he was breathing because of all the winter clothes and jacket on him.

At first, we decided to try and honk our horn to see if the gentleman had any reaction. Nope, nothing at all. We became really worried. We didn't know this guy, but if this was life or death, we had to act fast. I got out of the car and knocked really loud on his window. I kept knocking until he finally reacted to it. He rolled down his window, and that's when I asked "Sir, are you ok?!" and his reply was oh yeah, just waiting for somebody.

My goodness, a sense of relief overcame me. I said, ok sir, we just became really worried, but glad that everything is ok. You have a good night sir! And he gave a smile to us.

It's just a depressing thought, if something happened to him on new year's day, and no one was around him. But I'm just really thankful that everything was ok. I do get moments of feeling sleepy when I wait for someone too, but normally people would lean back on their seats to nap, not forward.

Now that winter is officially here, and the cold freezing weather too, please keep an eye out for your family members. Especially the children and elders who are the most vulnerable in cold weather. If you notice someone sitting in the cold, who looks like they need a warm place to stay, direct them to the nearest facility that can offer warmth and shelter. If you notice someone in a car, whether it's running or not, and they look like they're slumped over, give a quick knock on the window to make sure they are ok. Every little action goes a long way for someone, whether it's family or a stranger.

I know, my tone lately has been all over the place. Pissed, sad, depressed, happy and helpful. I guess it's because of what's been happening the past month and a half. I'll just need time to accept.

Anyways, I'll just leave it at that. I haven't done much posting about car stuff lately because I haven't done much to the car (and plus it's winter so nothing too exciting). My next few posts will probably be something about purse buying, and pointers about going from contemporary to premier designers. It is mostly geared towards people who are not in the "super elite" or "ultra rich" groups (or whatever you want to call them) and ways to try out premier brands without going bankrupt. I have only read of one blog that does touch upon it, so I'll also chime in as well on the topic.

Stay tuned.

M's Tribute

I had written and shared this a few days before Christmas, between family and friends who knew M, and who have not met M before. I decided to write a tribute and share it with those who have pets and for those who don't. Because pets are not just some animals you can replace whenever you want. They become part of your family. They may be part of your family for several years, but to them, you are their entire world.

Here is my tribute to M:

The past few weeks have been really tough (and is still tough) but I want to thank everyone for the supportive words, prayers and continuous encouragement during this difficult time.

For those who have never met M before, we adopted him a few days before Christmas 1997 when he was a kitten. From that day onwards, we formed a crazy bond and learned a lot about his personality and character:

Intelligent. He was a smart cat. I taught him how to open doors and he managed to apply that when he got locked out of places. If I had my bedroom door closed in the morning, he would open it and come in to wake me up for food. He also acted as my second alarm clock. When my alarm went off and I snoozed too long, he would come in and meow to wake me up. He learned what to do and what not to do around the house, never destroyed furniture or rummaged through garbage. He knew not to climb the fence when we let him outside to roam. He wouldn't go past the lawn, not even the sidewalk, so we knew he wouldn't ever cross a street.

Compassion. As a kitten, he would cuddle up and sleep in our laps. When he sensed we were having a bad day, he would come and meow or purr at us, as to say "everything will be ok".

Chicken. He was afraid of everything. From loud noise to birds flying overhead. When the doorbell rang, he would growl then run and hide. When birds were chirping loudly, he would run inside the house and hide. It was quite funny. He got chased by a squirrel one time, and then a black cat the following week. Oh yes, his favourite canned food was chicken. He hated fish.

Did not like the vet. He was terrified of them. Every car ride there, he meowed in fear. It takes 2-3 people to get him out the cage. 2 to tip the cage, 1 to catch him in the end. He would run to me and cling himself around my neck, and wouldn't let go, just like a child would do in fear. During the car ride home he would be more calm because he knew we were going home.

Friendly. Even though he was afraid of people and children, he never attacked anyone. He was terrified when people got near him, but he never bit or scratched anyone. He had bitten/scratched mom and brother a few times growing up. I took the brunt of it because it was always fun playing with him.

Playful. He was a playful kitten, and claws were a scary thing but as he got older, he never took out his claws when playing with me. He would slap my hand with his paw, but his claws were tucked away.

Musically inclined. Growing up, he would plop himself in the piano room when I practiced my pieces for exams. He would sit and listen, and fall asleep. When dad started singing karaoke in the basement and M was downstairs, he would come upstairs to sleep. I guess that's how terrible dad's singing is XD.

Lazy. At one point he gained a lot of weight and slept a lot. We used to call him Garfield. When I pet him when he eats, he gets lazy and lays down, then uses his paw to get the dry food from the bowl. All the food got on the floor but it was pretty hilarious to watch him eat off the floor. He would only do that when I was around to rub his belly. Otherwise no one else was able to repeat it.

Spoiled. Yes he was a spoiled cat. He wouldn't eat his food unless someone was there to pet him or comb his hair. Since he was an indoor cat, we still let him out to the front yard or backyard to get some air. Most days he sits at the door and meows at us to let him out, so we do. But he knew his boundaries.

Funny. He was funny in various ways. From the way he sleeps to how he eats, to how he still chases his tail at 17 years old. When he saw me approaching him and I call his name, his legs would go numb and he would lay down, as to say "I give up...just pet me". And I would pick him up and give him a big hug, which he would always find annoying.

Emotional. Even though he couldn't talk, we can tell he has feelings. If he's happy he purrs at us. If he's pissed he will hiss. If he's sad, he sheds a tear. My parents noticed that when I didn't come home for the night, he would sit outside my room and meow non-stop. If he's confused he would look at us in a weird way. If he's scared, his tail stands up and he takes his stance. Sometimes I can see a smile on his face.

Strong. In this context, he was strong until the very end. He knew he was getting weaker by the minute. But he also knew we were by his side. We encouraged him to be strong, that he was coming home with us, and not staying elsewhere. When he saw the sadness in our faces, he knew. He couldn't say anything, but he did try to look at us, and he shed a tear. He fought his hardest, but 5 minutes from home, he took his last breath. In my eyes, he was the bravest and strongest cat and still made it home to be with us.

Although he is not physically here anymore, his memory will live on forever. It's going to be tough dealing with the first Christmas and New Year without him, along with many other "firsts", but we know he loves us, and we love him.

Cherish your furry pets. They are a blessing from above. Love them and they will love you back just as much. You will become their entire world.

2015 Reflection

Now that 2016 is just around the corner, we all take this time to reflect on 2015. What we did, or didn't do, or wished we had done better.

2015 began as so: I worked a night shift into the new year, having a pizza party after midnight with my coworkers. Some patients were still awake so we watched the countdown with them. Although I was not able to spend the countdown with family or friends, it was still a blessing to be celebrating with those who were unable to be home with their families. In a way, we are like their family away from home.

The start of 2015 was a bit shaky. From mis-trusting people (especially those who you thought were close to you or suppose to care about you the most, and being lied to in the face constantly) to stress at work, and working as much as I can so I can keep my mind busy from the terrible people that surrounded me. Eventually I got rid of the negative person who brought me down a hell hole for months. It is possible to get rid of negative people from your lives. It just takes a lot of will power and support from friends to do it, and plenty of prayers.

I remember grandma not feeling so good halfway across the world, so pops had to travel there to be with her, while I kept mama company (along with M). I was thankful that I had a week off that month so I could spend more time at home with them. But it wasn't enough time to travel halfway across the world to see her and then come back to work again within that time frame. She is doing better now thankfully. Hopefully I will get to travel in the future to visit her and the rest of the extended family.

I definitely cut back on those car meets this year. Probably went to one and that was it. Didn't meet any new people from it, didn't feel like I needed to because I already have my close-knit group of friends. Cruises on the other hand was something I never really done before, so it was nice to see a different city and view. Admiring God's creation, and just being amazed at how big our land is. It's those moments that you get to share with people you love and care about.

Our program at work also expanded, and I was selected to help lead the smaller unit. It's also to help with my independence skills and initiative as well. Something I'm not used to, but always wanted to strive to be the best I can be. It was a lot of work (and still is) but learning is always an on-going thing. There is never a time when you stop learning. There is always something to learn each day. Teamwork is also key to making the unit a success. You can't have one person lead and hope that everything will be successful based on one person. You need an entire team to build up the unit to make it successful. And that's why it's such a honour to be working with an amazing team. Because everyone works well together and looks out after one another on this little unit. Part of it is because we are also "on our own" so to speak, so we have no choice but to work together. To me, that's how a lot of people learn too. When you are given things on a plate, you take it for granted. When you have to start from scratch, it makes you work together.

I also got accepted to do a poster presentation at the national level, which was pretty surreal. I had the chance to meet various vendors, presenters etc in the medical field and see how the different advancements in medicine can play a huge role in our future. It was definitely an eye opening experience, and one that I would go to again in the future.

I also learned to cut back on those 16 hours of shift work. As much as I want to get more money (who doesn't?), it was not worth the pain. It was not worth cutting time away from family. I have my entire life to work, so I'm not worried. But the family that I have will not be around forever, so I tried my best to balance spending time with them. And that's what I think 2015 was also about. Spending more time with my folks, and M.

2015 was also the year my BFF got engaged to an awesome man! I'm so happy for the both of them as they make an amazingly cute couple. I was also quite honoured that I got to witness his entire plan unfold (and also be part of the plan) when it came to the proposal. Although I caught it all on film, nothing beats the real life experience of seeing it all happen with my own eyes.

2015 was also the first Cars and Christ cruise with my fellow die-cast enthusiast and friend. I don't think it's ever been done before, so it was an honour to be meeting fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who were willing to give this a try.

2015 was also the last year that I got to spend with M. Part of me still regrets working long hours and not spending enough time with him. He was too old to play, and I didn't want to be a terrible person by poking him awake to give him a huge hug. When I was not home for the night, he would sit in front of my room and wait for me to come home (at least that's what my parents report, and I can believe that). He would then start howling. It happened frequently when I was not home often. The day he passed, I was suppose to be working a 16 hour shift. The day before, I had asked for a more lenient assignment, as I was going to be at work for the entire day. The charge had then told me they were overstaffed in the evening, and if I wanted the evening off, I could take it. Now, usually they start with higher senority staff and then work their way down the list. That day, she just offered it to me. When I look back at it now, I'm just very thankful I didn't have to work the 16 hours. If I did, I wouldn't have spent those last few hours with M. He would have passed, and I wouldn't have been there. In a way, it felt that God knew it was M's time to go. It was a miracle that I could leave a normal time, to go home and spend the last few hours of M's life together. Part of me just wished I could've given him a hug, but at that time, I saw him struggling and didn't want it to irritate him. But I really wished I could've just hugged him, and told him everything will be ok.

When I look back, 2015 was the year of spending more quality time with those who I care about and love. That was the main theme. And I will continue that for years to come. If I do have any big regrets, my only regret was not hugging M enough. He was there for me all these years, and now that he's gone, it's so empty without him. I just hope he knows how much I love him, and how much I miss him.

With 2016 approaching, part of me wishes I could remain in 2015. Half of me died when M passed away, and I feel that moving on without him just seems so strange. It feels like a betrayal to him. People tell me M wouldn't want to see me like this. He would want me to be happy. But how do you feel happy when half of you is gone? Perhaps I'm still mourning, and I'm still in pain. This Christmas was really difficult without him here. The coming new year will be just as hard to manage. But at least I'll be home, and that's the most important.

To all those out there, have a safe new year celebration. Keep warm, and God bless you all.

Merry Christmas!

Wishing everyone out there a happy, safe, Merry Christmas!

For those who work today, thank you for sacrificing and serving your time. It is tough to balance work and holiday time with family, but hopefully there will be time for you to see and be with your family when you are done. So thank you.

I want to thank all those for their continuous prayers, well wishes, support and encouragement during this time, as it's the first Christmas without M. Family and friends have brought in stuffed orange cat plushies, flowers, drawings and pictures in remembrance of him. We have a mini shrine created for him and all the small gifts that were brought to him. It was very emotional for me, and if he were here, I'm sure he would really be super happy. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

God bless everyone out there and stay safe.

Chanel Experience/Reveal

I first fell in love with the classic medium double flap over a year ago. But as the price increased to ridiculous amounts, I just couldn't justify dropping a huge amount over what I could've bought 100 reasonable purses for that amount of money.

As the months went by, my focus shifted from a double flap to something more miniature. It is called the wallet on chain (or WOC for short). The WOC is basically what it is: a wallet with a long chain attached to it. They do try to make enough space so you can fit your essentials inside, but you won't be able to fit your entire life inside it. I'm used to carrying a lot of things with me, both necessary and unnecessary items, so this is like downgrading from a mansion to a rental room, so to speak.

There are a lot of companies out there that make WOC. For example, YSL, Gucci, Prada (on the luxury end) and Coach, Kate Spade, Tory Burch (on the contemporary end), so there are a variety of choices and styles to choose from. It all really depends what you want in terms of style and material. And also what fits your budget.

Unfortunately, with Chanel's ridiculous price increases ever so often on purses, the WOCs are also affected by the price adjustment. Seasonal pieces come and go but the classics will always be classics.

I fell in love with the classic piece. There are a few in the classic line, but the most common one was the caviar leather with the small CCs up front by the button closure. To me, that was what everyone had if they had to have a WOC. You can match it with any wardrobe, from casual to elegant nights out. I wanted something classic but a bit different than the rest. Something different but fun in a chic way.

As soon as I saw a picture of it on the website, I knew I had to get it. And I aimed for many months for that goal.

Unfortunately with M's passing, I had to put a halt to it. I actually forgot about it completely for a while because I was so preoccupied with his loss. After some time had passed, I tried to refocus and aim for that goal. It was unsettling, because this would be my first WOC purchased without him being here. Because of that, this is how I will remember this piece, and it will forever have a place in my heart.

Yorkdale's Chanel had 2 WOCs in stock in the style that I wanted. Unfortunately as I took my time to figure out whether to wait or not, one got sold. Now there was one left. I figured it is the Christmas rush, and who knows when the price is going up again. Who knows when they will get another stock in, as these WOCs only come in limited amounts.

The SA (Keisha) took her time with me, and let me try out all the WOCs and different styles that I was debating. I was really stuck between 2 classics, but the ultimate decision was how it would look on me. She was really patient with me and allowed me all the time in the world to try it out, and then gave me time to decide. She gave me her card and if I was ready, to give her a call.

That same day, I decided to go for it. It was purchased roughly around the same anniversary date as when we took M home 18 years ago.

Ladies and gentleman, this is my reveal. This is in memory of M.

The famous black bag that it comes in.

 (Don't mind the terrible ribbon wrap. I had to unwrap it first to make sure everything was there before retying it)

Another view of the box wrapped up.

Up close of the beautiful Camellia flower. Usually it's in white, but maybe it's the Christmas season, so this one came in silver. Again, I like how it's different than the rest. It just makes it more memorable.

After the ribbon was removed, it's just a plain black box. I ended up sticking the Camellia on the front.

The package that it comes in: care cards, receipt with its own envelope, and dustbag.

Here is the WOC wrapped in the dust bag. It's a nice, soft velvet-like material. Very nicely done.

Ok, the moment of truth....

...................

.............

........

....

..

.

Here it is.

I wish there was a specific name for it, but from what the site says, it is called the WOC in quilted calfskin with a long chain, as part of the Cambon style. This is the front view. It is not a puffy material like the lambskin, nor does it feel that delicate. It has a matte finish to it, but it is smooth and has a nice touch to it. The front CC is in patent leather, so it does have a shine to it. The CC logo is off to one side, half cut off, unlike the other classic ones with the CC in the middle. It looks weird in pictures, but in person I fell in love with it. I'll include more info at the end of this entry.

The back view. The Cambon WOC does not come with a back pocket, like the other classics. As much as I wanted a back pocket, it was a small sacrifice I could live with. As what SA said, Chanel tries to vary their WOCs. So not all WOCs will have back pockets.

This is a side shot. Hard to see all details but you can tell it's not very wide. You can either carry this as a small bag, or put the chains inside and make it a clutch or use it as an actual wallet. 

An overview of the inside. This is what made me fall for this WOC. Because the interior is a bright pink. The classics come in a signature burgundy or sometimes even black interior. But I wanted something different. Not all WOCs will have the same interior colour.

The flap shot. So there is a zipper compartment that goes all the way down to the end of the purse. Some people put money in there, or their authenticity card, or some important documents. To me, it just feels it's too much work to put stuff in there. Most likely it will remain empty. I haven't thought of what to do with it yet.

There are 3 separate compartments aside from the card slot holders. There are 6 card holders, along with a main compartment to put your phone, keys, lip stick, make up, perfume or whatever small essentials you may carry. 2 open compartments can be used for flat storage. The third is a zipper compartment where you can put coins and bills inside.

Up close view of the zipper.

My attempt at making a heart with the long chain. Failed pretty bad, but I'll try again in the future. Beside it is the authenticity card and care card.

As you can tell, the chain is long but there are many ways to wear this WOC. This is just one way. Similar to a double flap bag. 

The CC in patent leather.

So just a summary of the information:

Name: Wallet on Chain in quilted calfskin leather

Collection: Cambon

Theme: Signature

Size: 19cm (length) X 12.5cm (height) X 3.5cm (width) 

Made in: France

Hardware: Silver

Closure: Snap closure button

Exterior: Calfskin leather with patent leather on the CC logo. No back pocket. Long leather chain intertwined with silver hardware, non-detachable.

Interior: 6 card holders, 1 main compartment, 2 flat compartments, 1 zipper coin compartment, 1 zipper deep compartment

Ways to wear: cross-body, over the shoulder (long chain), over the shoulder (double short chain), clutch (chain inside)

Thanks for reading. And if you are reading this M, just know that you are non-replaceable. Nothing in this world can replace you, and nothing in this world can bring you back to me. A bag will not bring you back, but it will serve as a reminder that you are always by my side, wherever I go. You will forever be in my heart. 

M is home. Welcome home :')

Good news everyone.....M is finally home :')

It has been an agonizing 3 weeks since he's passed. Each passing day, I feel like a knife has stabbed me in the heart. Because I always wonder when he's coming home again. Or if they got the ashes mixed up with another pet. It's the fear of the unknown that makes the brain run wild, set all emotions high, and break a person down.

I'm not sure whether all vets are like this or not, but when you cremate your pet, it takes about a week for the ashes to come back home. If you decide to have a special urn for your pet, it supposedly takes a bit longer in order to get the urn specially made. For M's case, it took 2 weeks, plus another 4 days because we were deciding which urn to choose.

Heading to the vet today was emotional. It rained earlier on so the roads were wet, but the weather was still gloomy. It reminded me of the day we took his body to the vet to send for cremation. Almost exactly 3 weeks ago, it was a gloomy rainy weather too. It brought back a lot of memories/flashbacks to that day, and that's why it was emotional.

When we got inside to pick up the urn, they had labeled the bag with M's name on it. The urn was wrapped in tissue paper, along with a clear bag. The engraving with his name on it was included as well, along with a memory poem. It was up to us how we wanted to stick it on the urn, so that was really thoughtful of them. It also came with a certificate and a sympathy card from the crematorium to say that this was indeed M's ashes, and that he was cremated with honour and respect.

After paying the vet, we said our goodbyes to the secretary. And I believe this is what set both my mom and I off emotionally. Because the lady had said maybe see you in the future if you decide to adopt another kitty.

I believe she meant well. But for us it was still too early for that. Getting another kitty right now would seem that I'm betraying M. I'm not sure what the future holds, but for now the mourning and acceptance has not happened yet. And it won't be fair to another kitty to not feel the love from the family.

The urn sits on top of his favourite cat condo, which was purchased about 17 years ago. Right beside it is a digital photo frame with his photos over the years in a slideshow, and a stuffed orange cat plushie I had bought my mom for Mother's day.

Although he is now officially home and with us forever, there is still the pain that remains: physically I can't see him. It still hurts, and it feels like part of me died with him when he passed. Hopefully with time, and now that his urn is home, it will be a bit easier to start accepting the truth. But just with any death of a loved one, it's hard to forcefully accept it. The images of him in the last few hours will forever be engraved in my head, but hopefully with time, the 18 years of memories will diminish those last few hours and replace it with happier times. 

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive during this time. We are just blessed and grateful that he is home, just in time for Christmas. That's the only thing we wished for this Christmas...for him to be home with us. 

Random Thoughts

With Christmas just around the corner, there are many things to be thankful for. For example: life, family, food, water, clothes and shelter. Be thankful for the things in life. Everything else that comes after that is just extra stuff. It's a time of love and giving, and to celebrate Jesus' birth on Christmas Day. Let's not forget to put the Christ in Christmas.

Lately because of what's been happening, life became a blur. Work was just work. School course was just meh. Eating became a chore, not a necessity. Sleep became non-existent. Tears became a habit. Going outside for walks became a scare. It all became stress.

And then of course I got sick.

At first I thought maybe it's the flu. But I know my body's response more than the doctors. Although it is flu season, I knew this wasn't the flu. It was sickness induced by stress. Weird thing is, it always happens around December to January. I always get stressed around this time for some reason. And of course I always get really bad colds around this time too. I remember one year when I was sick for the last half of December, sick during the transition to the new year, recovered for about a week, and then got sick again until mid March. That was probably the longest duration of being sick with a cold/lung infection/ear infection/vertigo. It didn't help that I was straight night shifts too.

So word of advice: stress sucks. And night shifts don't help your recovery either.

At least I achieved something I haven't achieved in years. I managed to finish all my course work in about 6 hours. After I had enrolled in an online course to complete my certification, M passed away a few days later. It was really difficult to focus on readings and school work (and is still difficult now), but I knew this had to be done. M saw all the hard work I had put in my courses over the years. I'm pretty sure he wants me to finish and complete this certification, even if he isn't physically here to celebrate with me when I complete it. 

So for weeks I didn't touch my course work. Until last night when a major assignment was due. I said...crap. I have a lot of catching up to do. And away I went to read articles, decipher them, discuss them with classmates online, submitting discussions and all my assignments (totally screwing one up in the process. Had to rewrite everything again using different references). By 11pm, it was all done. I looked at everything and said...no way. I'm done?! It was time to eat dinner.

When your body and your brain is so focused on finishing a bunch of things, it just goes into adrenaline mode. You can't feel hunger. So I was surprised how hungry I was after working away for most of the day without eating. Haven't done that in a long time.

It would be nice to take walks around the neighbourhood or around a mall just to cool off the brain, but you know, these days it's so hard to predict what would happen. With this whole ISIS that's going on, or just random attacks from some random stranger, it's almost like you can't even step out of your place without being attacked by someone. Going to malls is now a scary thing. After the discovery of a crashed Mercedes C-Class a week ago around Yorkdale Mall, and police finding sniper equipments, along with ammunition, it's a scary thing. And then a random stabbing at STC. Then another random stabbing in the underground PATH by a 40 year old TD bank financial advisor...mind you, she is very educated. You would not think that it's possible, but it is. A smart, well educated woman, who looks very professional and pretty, and is now wanted for attempted murder. 

With Christmas coming near, and shopping malls becoming more packed, it becomes a scary situation. If someone really wanted to harm people, and I mean a lot of people, a mall would be a target. I don't want to sound too pessimistic or scare people, but that's what puts me off on going to malls now. Even driving around the city, you never know who will be driving beside you. It's almost like you have to arm your own car with bazookas and aim at the bad guys.

It sucks. I really love malls. I like window shopping; walking around the mall is calming for me. And now it's like you have to watch your back because you never know what is lurking behind you (aside from a secret admirer or stalker or something).

Speaking of which, there's that TV show called Stalker. Watched the first season and it FREAKED ME OUT! The worst is I would always watch the show at night by myself in the dark. So it didn't help the situation either. Eventually I get creeped out if I turned off the screen light and turn around to sleep, and BOOM! There is a creepy man looking at me. So far it hasn't happened yet, so maybe it's just my imagination.

So back to malls and shopping. I had set my eyes on this nice WOC, but had to put that to a halt because of the mourning period. It just doesn't seem right at all to go out and shop after a death. So I don't know. Maybe when some time has passed, I'll aim for that goal again. But for now, it just doesn't seem right to just go out and shop to forget about things or distract myself.

I read in the news about how the Toronto police had arrested people for allegedly working an auto theft ring, which ships cars out to Nigeria for transporting illegal weapons and drugs. The cars were high end SUVs and CUVs which were all brand new. They were all stolen from driveways less than a month of ownership from unsuspecting owners. There was someone who had worked for Service Ontario, who had access to all the new registered cars, all the VINs and then the addresses of these owners. He would pass the information to a key maker, who encoded those vehicle specific VINs to make the keys (I wish I knew more about how that was possible but I'm not techie), and then pass those keys to the suspects, which then would wait until owners were asleep, before accessing the cars. There would be no indication of the cars being broken into, since they had a copied key. The cars would then be shipped to Nigeria, sold for half their value, and then used for illegal purposes.

Man, I still like CUVs. But it really puts me off from buying one in the future, because of the high risk of it being stolen. It's also another reason why I tell friends and family to buy coupes or convertibles. Because you can't fit anything in there. You can transport a dead body, but you can't transport an entire army of dead bodies. Plus you can't fit a bazooka, because it's probably bigger than a coupe. HA!

One year I bought a box of diapers for a family member. This is a standard sized diaper box. I could not fit it in the coupe's trunk. I had to put it in the passenger seat. So if I can't fit a box of diapers in my trunk, how will people fit a bunch of weapons and ammunitions in there?! See my point? Buy a coupe. It's so useless it's awesome. It will become a problem if I ever have a kid because the poor kid will not have any diapers to use. 

So a few weeks back, I was driving in the evening on the lovely 401 when about halfway through my journey, I noticed a very distinct headlight in my rearview mirror. It was the new 2015 R8 V10 coupe in black with red accents. I've seen pictures of it but never saw it in person until that night. I thought it would go around to pass me and drive fast off into the distance but it stayed behind me for a good 20 minutes. When I changed lanes, he changed lanes. When I got back into the right lane, he followed. It was kind of cool to see. I was doing the limit and so was he (or she). It wasn't until we got to the highway splitting part that the R8 changed lanes to pass me to get to the on ramp. It was so cool to admire. Then some jackass in a white TL (I think, my memory becomes fuzzy after seeing the R8) decides to change lanes and tailgate the R8. The R8 never really budged. Just continued to drive normally. What do you expect dude? Race against the R8? Ain't happening.

I can respect those super car owners who drive normally in traffic and not drive like the world is going to end. Because to drivers like myself, it's cool to cruise beside or in front of those super cars. It's a beautiful machine to observe. It's just...so cool. Of course I concentrate on not crashing either. But I'm not one of those to whip out my camera to take pictures of every super car that passes by. For me, seeing and driving beside one is already pretty surreal. When you're fumbling with your camera and trying to focus on the car and get a pretty picture, you take away that real life experience of seeing it with your own eyes. And nothing beats that real life experience.

Speaking of super cars, I put on my wish list for secret santa for a Lamborghini Huracan. A real one. I feel sorry for whoever got my name. But just for jokes, everyone who is involved in the wish list ended up putting random things (along with their real wishes...you can totally tell which is real and which is fake). So for mine, I put a Huracan. I would be really surprised if I saw it on my driveway, but that's just wishful thinking.

I had my first experience with Kijiji the other day and it was bleh. I can understand now why people say it's sketchy because it can be. Lots of low ballers both online and in person too. I had to deal with a Jewish man, who was trying to pass off my item to his wife as "brand new" when it was slightly used. Kind of cheap and sneaky if you ask me (no offence). So unless I am really desperate to sell stuff online to random people, I will try to avoid at all costs. Just not a very good experience. 

Anyways that's all I can think of right now. Waiting for M's ashes to come home is taking forever. Hence why it's been stressful lately too.

Cheers to everyone. Stay safe this coming Christmas. God bless everyone.