I saw dad in my dreams

Last night, I finally didn't take my Baclofen.

For a while now (or depending how I felt), I relied on muscle relaxants to ease my back especially after doing too much heavy lifting. In my case, dad needed a lot of help so it put a lot of stress on my body. 

After dad passed, my body and brain was under extreme stress and hurt (it still is). Every night I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep. So off I go, popping a pill. After a while, everything turns black and I don't wake up until the next morning. Dreams were non-existent. It was just pitch black every night.

Last night I was tired, but felt I didn't need any pills so I just dozed off.

I did wake up a couple of times at night for whatever reason. But this time I couldn't fall back asleep. Because this time, I finally dreamt about dad. I had waited for this moment for a while and was angry as to why I didn't have any dreams about him. But at last...

I had a vivid dream.

It was during the daytime at home. It was a nice, summer day with sunshine and a bit of a breeze. 

The windows to the family room were open. The white curtains were fluttering lightly in the wind, against the sun. In reality, we haven't opened those windows in years. 

I was in the hallway when I noticed this figure just outside of those windows. I saw someone dressed with a black suit, red tie with a white shirt and a green vest. 

It was dad.

He had on the exact same outfit in the picture that we had just picked out for him for the funeral.

At first it startled me because I was wondering why dad was on the outside of the house and not inside. Secondly, why didn't he say hi and hug me? 

I ran towards the window, calling for him.

He saw me, but he started to slowly walk away.

I ran even faster, to please wait for me. By the time I got to the window, I peeked outside and he was gone. I couldn't find him around the corner of the house.

Then I woke up. 

I haven't slept since that moment. It's been replaying over and over in my head. The last time I had a vivid dream was years ago after M passed away. 

I've been trying to decipher what this all means. The sunshine, the wind breeze, the curtains fluttering in the wind...it's all symbolic of the Holy Spirit, that God is here in the present. When one door closes, another opens. It's almost like going from earth to the heavens. This is especially symbolic given that our windows haven't opened in years. But now that it's suddenly opened, this would make sense.

The best verse that was provided to me: Revelation 21:4-5 --> And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Then He who sat on the throne said "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me "Write, for these words are true and faithful." (NKJV).

It is true that there is no further pain or suffering for dad. This era is now over for him physically. When I saw him in my dream, he looked peaceful and not in pain, and he was dressed in a suit. He looked comfortable. 

It's still a struggle trying to wrap my head around the reality of it all. Nothing really prepares you for losing someone so close to you after so many years. Yes, we are all going to die physically - there is no escape. But I mean NOTHING prepares you for the emotional toil that comes after the death of a loved one. The grief hits at anytime, and anywhere. And it's ok to grieve. It doesn't mean you just say bye and move on with your life. It means learning to move forward with their memories engrained in you. 

In earthly words, I pretty much died on September 22nd. Nothing I do will bring back my dad, just like how I couldn't bring back M. All I can do now is to embrace all the love he had given me all these years, and continue to keep those memories alive as I continue to live as best as I can on this earth, until it is time to meet God, and I can finally see dad again.

Dad...

September 22 will be a day I'll never forget. 

Today is the day my dad passed away from complications of liver cancer, at 6:42pm. He was surrounded by my mom, brother and I. We were all there when he took his last breath. I am blessed that I was able to be with him until the end, just like how he had been there when I was born in the beginning. Not everyone gets to experience this, and for that I am grateful.

Heartbroken and devastation are understatements of how I feel at the moment. 

I knew he had been sick for a while, but he kept persevering through the tough times, as if he didn't even have issues, but I knew it was slowing him down. He had been in hospital for almost 6 weeks. 6 torturous weeks, which involved constant aspiration pneumonia, failed attempts at NG tubes, GJ tube insertion, aspirating constantly on his saliva, and then of course all the doctors ordering exuberant amounts of antibiotics because they all had no clue what was causing his aspiration. Was it the immunotherapy? Was it something else? No one could tell me. 

As a daughter, it is difficult watching your loved ones slowly drowning in their own saliva. When that happens, deep suctioning using a catheter is required and not all nurses are trained for that. Unfortunately I couldn't rely on staff to suction him all the time, so I used my expertise to help him breathe. Let me tell you, it is a horrendous experience for both. It's the most uncomfortable feeling for anyone to get any tubes stuck down their throats while awake. As a daughter, I wanted to save him and this was the only way to keep him breathing, so I had to help deep suction within boundaries. Too little of it and he would have difficulty breathing. Too much and it could cause more damage and more phlegm in the airway. 

I'm grateful for the nursing team for taking care of my dad as best as possible. But no thanks to one particular doctor. 

I pray that dad is now in a better place, pain free and no longer suffering.

I love you dad <3

No more captive whales...

Today, we celebrate the last remaining 6 whales that are being transported from Marineland to various aquariums in the USA and Spain.

Canada no longer has any further whales (orcas, belugas) and dolphins held in captivity. This marks the end of whale breeding and captivity.

Humans are the WORST to ever exist on this planet. All this started because fishermen would get paid thousands to capture these beautiful creatures, all for human entertainment. Money is the root of all evil. 

Imagine you get captured as a 2 year old, to swim and perform in a bathtub for the rest of your life. You get torn away from your family, and put into a tub full of other 2 year olds (all from different backgrounds), and are told to perform. The only way you get rewarded is if you do what you're told, and boom, you get a fish in your mouth. Congratulations. What a way to live a life.

This is exactly what the orcas had gone through for the past 50 years. The marine parks exploded in the 80's with many captured whales around the world, all set to perform and entertain guests. Yes, whales are very smart and people don't have to prove that. We can already see it in the wild. Why must you capture them to perform tricks in front of guests? Ohhhh right, so you as a corporation can get paid millions (yes, I'm looking at you SeaWorld and Marineland).

I'm so glad Marineland has finally shut down. It's a bitter sweet moment - as kids, we are all mesmerized by these gigantic beauties. I mean, which kid is lucky enough to take a boat into the wild and watch whales sky hopping in front of them? Probably not too many. Marine parks were the closest thing you can get to them. I think if they had created it as a sanctuary, then it would be better. But for entertainment purposes? Absolutely not.

When Keiko (i.e Free Willy) became so popular that kids all over the world wanted to set him free, it wasn't as easy as everyone thought. They had to build a huge sanctuary for him to train him how to hunt in the wild again. Because keep in mind, Keiko was captured near Iceland in 1979 and sold to various marine parks (including Marineland in 1982) where he was forced to perform. Keiko spent many of his years in captivity versus in the wild. You can't just throw a whale back in the wild, expecting them to adapt. After staring in the Free Willy movie franchise, a petition came to set him free into the wild. 

Considering these are highly intelligent mammals, they are also very high emotional animals. They have their own 'language' that they communicate with their own families. They cannot just join any random pod that they encounter in the wild because they wouldn't be speaking the same languages. And that is exactly what happened to Keiko when he was released into the wild.

Eventually Keiko experienced about a year of free wild life before succumbing to pneumonia in December 2003.

It's bitter sweet that these remaining belugas and dolphins are being sent to another aquarium instead of a sanctuary. But the reality is there is no such beluga sanctuary. No where in the world have they built one yet. Why move these belugas?

Because Marineland was threatening to euthanize all the whales if no one would take them. They actually used euthanasia as a bargaining tool because they didn't have enough money left to pay for the care of the whales. Can you imagine if hospitals did the same thing? If you don't take your family out of here, we will euthanize them because they're taking up a bed and we're losing money. Yeah, it's not going to end well. 

I wish I could say let's celebrate, but it is bitter sweet. It's not a solution either to release them into the wild because many of them were born into captivity and have never even hunted before. They wouldn't survive in the wild because they would get hunted by other predators. 

I'm glad Marineland has gone bankrupt. Ever since the original owner passed away, everything has gone to sh!t. I don't think it was his vision to have Marineland turn out the way it is today. Corporation greed. 

So far one of the beluga whales (Peekachu) has passed away soon after arriving to Chicago's aquarium. It hasn't even been a month yet of relocation. My heart hurts for each of these belugas. All we can do for them is hope for the best.

10 months later...

It's crazy to think that a year ago, I was not able to stand or walk for more than 2 minutes at a time without my leg burning up. 

A year ago I slept on the floor, upside down, flat on the floor, anything to try and alleviate the back pain that I was experiencing. Nothing worked. Not even Hydromorphone could take away the pain.

10 months post surgery, things have progressed well. I still continue to do my monthly physio sessions, although lately it has progressed to my knee. I think with prolong use of a cane, it actually stressed out my knee more. I'm not using a cane anymore thankfully but now I deal with the after effects. 

I continue to try and work on my core. Honestly, it's hard having my brain tell my body to USE YOUR CORE whenever it comes to picking things up or turning a patient. I never rely on my back to do things as much because I know it could reherniate. But considering last year I couldn't even suck in my core without sending electric shocks down my leg, I'm taking the opportunity from now on to use my core.

I don't experience any sciatic pain anymore thankfully. Although sometimes I do feel a very light sensation, almost like my leg going cold. But I also felt that last year too. I know I have to be careful if I ever need to reposition someone in bed or give them a boost up in bed because sometimes the brain bypasses all that and just goes straight to moving them up in bed, WITHOUT engaging the core. AND you will feel that pull in the back again. Not good.

Made that mistake once, and you won't ever make the same mistake again.

Carrying heavy items? Same thing, I use my leg muscles, squat a bit and then engage the core. I don't bend the back anymore lest I want to reherniate again. 

Gardening? This I'm still learning. I have a tendency to squat down and pick at the weeds. I did that recently and I can feel my back muscles aching for days. I can tell it's the back muscles and not the discs though so at least that I can distinguish. Same with my legs. I can definitely feel them. I should not squat for that long anymore to be honest. 

I used to crack my back all the time to release some tension. Unfortunately I cannot (and should not) crack my back anymore going forward, as I don't want to dislodge my remaining disc. 

Heating pad is still my best friend. It definitely helps to relax the muscles. It's torture during hot summer days though because the heat would keep me awake. 

As time goes on, I have learned to adapt to new ways of saving my back, and protecting it. Although I have been cleared to wear high heels again, I choose not to. I would have to relearn how to walk in them again. 

As for medications? I've reduced it to just one. Baclofen. The doctor wants me to take it 3 times a day as needed. I only limit to once at night if needed, because I cannot function during the daytime with it. It's especially useful after a very labour intense day where all the muscles are super tense. But just like with any medications, you can't rely on it forever. The longer you take it, the more your body gets used to the doses, and then you have to keep increasing the doses. 

Most days are pretty good I would say. There are only far and few bad days since the surgery, and it's probably because I overexert myself on whatever tasks. It's crazy how the human body can take so much but yeah, don't push yourself past the limit. Always listen to your body. 

Less than 2 months and it would be 1 year since surgery. Hang tight for another update.

Can't Trust GTR peeps

This doesn't include friends who own a GTR (you know who you are, it's very few of you). 

This is not my story, but on behalf of another friend who had this experience and is trying to get her money back. 

She was looking to sell her fenders last year. Lo and behold, some of her so called GTR 'friends' (we shall call them Shrimp and H) had a mutual friend who was looking for fenders (we will call him Saeid). Saeid drives a white GTR with all these carbon decorations all over the place already and has a fiancee, and generally well off. 

Shrimp suggested my friend to sell the fenders to this Saeid guy at $1500, and the guy agreed. However, after a certain time, Shrimp then told this guy it was slightly overpriced. Then the guy had the audacity to FORCE my friend to give it to him quick because he really needed it. 

My friend, being the sweet person that she is, was promised that the money would go through so she had it shipped urgently to Saeid. It's been almost a year and she has not seen any of this money.

All her messages to all the guys above have gone unanswered, or avoided. They have screenshotted her messages to each other, and instead of being a man and dealing with it, they're just a bunch of limp d*cks and avoiding the entire situation. 

This girl worked frigging hard for her money. You guys don't understand it. You guys don't understand the struggles that she had to go through to get where she is today. To leave her out hanging dry, that's not what real friends do. That's what fake friends do. 

And then they have the balls to still message her inviting her out to meets or drives. But they still wouldn't acknowledge the money payment from their 'friend'. This is why the GTR community is such a joke. It is full of jesters, idiots and fakers. I would know because I had to deal with one myself. 

She had even reached out to a Battalion30five member if those guys can be posted, because of what they did to her. Battalion's response? Oh, we can't do that.

Of course, Battalion30five is another one I couldn't trust either. I got kicked out of their club for no reason, and I was there just to admire people's rides. So why am I not surprised that they don't stand up for us women? Are we that dramatic? Someone didn't pay so technically they stole the parts.

To the trio who have hurt my friend, you guys will pay.