I saw dad in my dreams

Last night, I finally didn't take my Baclofen.

For a while now (or depending how I felt), I relied on muscle relaxants to ease my back especially after doing too much heavy lifting. In my case, dad needed a lot of help so it put a lot of stress on my body. 

After dad passed, my body and brain was under extreme stress and hurt (it still is). Every night I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep. So off I go, popping a pill. After a while, everything turns black and I don't wake up until the next morning. Dreams were non-existent. It was just pitch black every night.

Last night I was tired, but felt I didn't need any pills so I just dozed off.

I did wake up a couple of times at night for whatever reason. But this time I couldn't fall back asleep. Because this time, I finally dreamt about dad. I had waited for this moment for a while and was angry as to why I didn't have any dreams about him. But at last...

I had a vivid dream.

It was during the daytime at home. It was a nice, summer day with sunshine and a bit of a breeze. 

The windows to the family room were open. The white curtains were fluttering lightly in the wind, against the sun. In reality, we haven't opened those windows in years. 

I was in the hallway when I noticed this figure just outside of those windows. I saw someone dressed with a black suit, red tie with a white shirt and a green vest. 

It was dad.

He had on the exact same outfit in the picture that we had just picked out for him for the funeral.

At first it startled me because I was wondering why dad was on the outside of the house and not inside. Secondly, why didn't he say hi and hug me? 

I ran towards the window, calling for him.

He saw me, but he started to slowly walk away.

I ran even faster, to please wait for me. By the time I got to the window, I peeked outside and he was gone. I couldn't find him around the corner of the house.

Then I woke up. 

I haven't slept since that moment. It's been replaying over and over in my head. The last time I had a vivid dream was years ago after M passed away. 

I've been trying to decipher what this all means. The sunshine, the wind breeze, the curtains fluttering in the wind...it's all symbolic of the Holy Spirit, that God is here in the present. When one door closes, another opens. It's almost like going from earth to the heavens. This is especially symbolic given that our windows haven't opened in years. But now that it's suddenly opened, this would make sense.

The best verse that was provided to me: Revelation 21:4-5 --> And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Then He who sat on the throne said "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me "Write, for these words are true and faithful." (NKJV).

It is true that there is no further pain or suffering for dad. This era is now over for him physically. When I saw him in my dream, he looked peaceful and not in pain, and he was dressed in a suit. He looked comfortable. 

It's still a struggle trying to wrap my head around the reality of it all. Nothing really prepares you for losing someone so close to you after so many years. Yes, we are all going to die physically - there is no escape. But I mean NOTHING prepares you for the emotional toil that comes after the death of a loved one. The grief hits at anytime, and anywhere. And it's ok to grieve. It doesn't mean you just say bye and move on with your life. It means learning to move forward with their memories engrained in you. 

In earthly words, I pretty much died on September 22nd. Nothing I do will bring back my dad, just like how I couldn't bring back M. All I can do now is to embrace all the love he had given me all these years, and continue to keep those memories alive as I continue to live as best as I can on this earth, until it is time to meet God, and I can finally see dad again.