1 month since dad left us...

It's just been over 1.5 month since dad left us, and 1 month since he was buried.

It felt like yesterday this all happened. Honestly, all the adrenaline just hits fast. Everything goes by in a blur. 

I attended my workplace anniversary party, with the blessings from my mom and brother. Originally it felt wrong to attend a large party. I had to look pretty, be happy, smile at everyone. I just wasn't in the mood especially after losing my dad. But both of them told me I should go. I had the support of all my colleagues and leadership team. I had worked so hard to secure the venue and get all the details sorted since the beginning of the year, that it would be a complete waste to not go. Not only was I attending as a complimentary gift from my director, but I would be wasting my spot and food if I did not show. Plus, mom and brother stated that if dad were still here, he would want me to go, and not be worried about him. 

I felt so much guilt. But I attended the party, and kept in the shadows. Although colleagues were surprised to see me, they did offer many hugs, many words of support and encouragement. Physically I was there. Mentally, I was not. In between, I still took calls from family regarding dad's funeral and obituary details, while also reviewing what I needed to say on stage as part of the host. Yeah, it was a lot. 

In the end, I survived the evening. I didn't dance as per tradition because, I wasn't in the mood. I just went straight up to the suite to take a breather, before helping to clear out the venue. 

Right after this, went straight back to dad's funeral planning. Finding old photos from the past. Compiling it for a slideshow. Mom stated no one would be watching, but I said trust me. People will. I cannot disappoint dad. I will ensure I get as many pictures as I can, and showcase how happy he was here - whether it be traveling, singing karaoke, taking a nap, eating food. You name it. 

I wasn't going to let some stupid hospitalization or doctor's words dictate his life. Nah, he deserved all the happiness. 

I dug out as many photos as I could, and put it together. I had also started my eulogy as soon as I could. It took about 2 weeks to put it together, as everyday I would write down something and edit it as the days went by. I wanted to make it impactful, meaningful. I wanted people to remember who my dad was. If they hadn't met him previously, I made sure to put in all the details pertaining to his unconditional love, his perseverance, and his support.

The day of the funeral was also the day of the visitation. We went early before the official hours started. This was also the first time we got to see dad since his passing - it was about 11 days. The room had a nice backdrop to the garden of the funeral home. It was beautiful.

Dad's casket was up front, and I can't tell you how fast I ran up to see him. When I finally saw him, I burst into tears. He looked peaceful. I cried. We all cried. I told him that we are finally here to see him, that I'm glad he's out of the damn hospital.

I touched his hand. It was super cold. It sent chills down my spine. The last time I held his hand, he was still warm. It made me really sad.

The service was beautiful. Pastor Joe gave a quick sermon. We sang a couple of worship songs. We had eulogies from my nieces, my brother and I. We had a good turnout for both visitation and the funeral. People also bought him so many flowers. He would've been so happy. 

The final goodbye...oh man, where do I even begin.

Although I have been to many funerals in my life, nothing compares it to your own family. Standing up front to shake everyone's hands, thanking them for their support, all the hugs, the crying. It was VERY emotional. 

When it came to the final moments before closing the casket, each of us were called to do a final goodbye. I requested that the F-14 that was on display with his picture be buried with him. I also wrote a 3 page letter for dad to read, so that went into his casket as well. Mom was the last to pay her respect. Once she stepped aside, that's when the casket cover was slowly closed.

I lost it. I cried, I couldn't help it. This was it and I didn't know how to control myself. This was the hardest thing I had to witness in my life.

The funeral staff led us to the burial site. All the guests had gathered around the tomb, while mom and I went to meet with the pallbearers waiting by the hearse. This was the final walk with dad, along with all my cousins, uncle and brother as pallbearers, while mom and I led them to the burial site.

Once all the guests laid their flowers on dad's casket, it was time for him to be lowered. I thought I could be brave for him, but no. I broke down and cried. I don't know which was the most challenging to see: watching the casket cover close, or watching the casket be lowered 6 feet under. To me, they're equally as heartbreaking. This is the first time watching my loved one be lowered, so it hit me really hard. 

I didn't get to watch them do the full burial as we had booked Mandarin buffet for our group. So we attended that, thanked everyone for coming and for their support. We ate, people mingled. Deep down inside, I just lost all appetite because of what I had to witness. I know dad wouldn't want me to starve so I felt like I had to shove food down my throat. But in that moment, I felt no hunger whatsoever. I ate for the sake of eating. It was also very tough considering dad loved to eat at Mandarin. This would be the first time eating without him.

Soon after, I drove my cousin to the airport to catch his flight back to the USA. And right after that, mom and I decided to go back to the grave site to see how dad was doing. When we got there, they had already put all the flowers on top of the site. It was nicely laid out. We took pictures of that moment. And then we cried. 

I couldn't believe this was it. It just felt so fast. It keeps replaying in my head over and over again. 

Right after the burial, I just didn't know how to function anymore. What was I going to do with my life now? Do I go back to work? Do I still take a few days off? I really had no feelings whatsoever. Mom suggested I go back to work, as it would help keep my mind busy. At least go back to a routine. 

I took one extra day off, then went back to work. Yeah, it was tough, but once I immersed myself into work, I was on a roll. I would be on a continuous roll until the end of the work day. It was finally time to head home.

The drive home was numbing. It didn't hit me until I got home, that dad wasn't going to be home anymore. Then I started to cry. Excuse me, I mean wail. Yeah, that first week was very depressing. It's still depressing to this day and I'm still learning how to navigate this journey. 

Since going back to work, I've realized that I feel ok when I'm not at the hospital site. But as soon as I step foot into the hospital, it didn't feel good. I just wanted to leave immediately. I haven't gone back up to the unit where my dad was, and I probably will never go back up there because it will probably trigger me. But at the off sites, I feel fine because that was where I was before all this happened. 

Driving home and being at home proved a way different perspective. Sometimes the drive home would trigger me, as dad had driven the Genesis quite a bit in the beginning when it arrived home. I remember he had driven it around while waiting for me during one of my hospital interviews. He would ask why the car's engine was getting so loud when he was trying to accelerate but it wouldn't go any faster. I had to remind him that he was in the manual mode, and not the automatic mode. Don't worry, the Genesis was not harmed. 

When that memory popped up while I drove home, it triggered me, and I really had to put myself together first. Had to keep telling myself to not cry otherwise if I do, I'd probably crash into someone. At least keep it together for now, until I got home. Once I got home, I can cry however much I want.

I talk to my dad everyday, as much as I can. I started off with once in the morning, and once in the evening before bedtime. I'd give him a good morning, let him know what I planned to do for the day, and hoped he had a good rest as well. By evening time, I would update him what I really did for the day, and all the struggles that happened. I continue to apologize to him for everything and anything - about how horrible I was back in the day when I didn't listen to him, about how I wished I took more pictures with him the past year, about how I wish I could've saved him. It goes on. 

The biggest lie is telling your loved ones that you'll be ok once they're gone. But reality is, I'm not ok. I'll probably never be ok, like how I was before. But it's true when they say a part of you dies when a loved one dies. It changes you. 

I also find that when I'm at home, time is non-existent. I could write up an entire plan for the day, and it wouldn't get done. I could tell a friend I can meet them at 5pm, and when the time comes, I'm still at home. I'd have to apologize for losing track of time. Or if I tell myself I really need this item from the grocery store. Or I need fuel today. But they don't get done. Maybe it's just me. Maybe my mind is just so hyper focused on how things could have been, and it just gets stuck in a loop. 

Or the times I promise mom I'd take her to a mall. But instead, we both start cleaning the house. Then we never make it out to the mall. Stuff like that. There's no wrong way of doing this, but I guess it's just having to take things as it goes. Take it a day at a time, a task at a time. There is no right time to do things. 

I still take my muscle relaxants before bedtime almost every night before work. On days that I don't work, I don't take them. In a way, it helps to keep my brain from overthinking because once all things are settled, that's when the brain will start wandering in its own thoughts, and it could keep me awake all night. 

After dad passed, I don't have the passion to do anything that I was previously doing. Driving. Lego. Going for walks at the mall. Buying random crap. Buying plushies. Maybe part of it is because all of dad's items are still here. Some have been donated but majority of his things are still here. And it got me thinking that...if I buy anymore crap, I don't want my family to deal with all the crap that I have accumulated over the years. So I stopped buying things. Except for food or drinks since we all need that. But anything else? I'm reluctant to buy anything, as it would remind me that this new item is now in my collection BUT WAIT...dad isn't here to see. My brain would pinpoint every little detail that this ONE ITEM was purchased after dad passed. But everything else I have? It was purchased while dad was still alive. 

I know it sounds ridiculous and I know I can't continue to keep living like this forever. Until my brain and heart can heal, I can't force myself to buy something yet. I would feel super guilty. I would probably hear him in my ear 'yaya, are you sure you need that? you already have 10 of those at home. Save your money.'

1 month later and it's still so fresh. I'm still very emotional. I'm also still very angry. I tend to lose my patience faster than before, or I get much more annoyed now when something doesn't go my way. Then it'll pass, and I would feel guilty and cry. I'd apologize to dad for disappointing him and God, that I was better than this. 

I've taken another much needed break from work to try and heal myself, because this past month was just too much. 

After this month passes, it will also be the first of everything....the first Thanksgiving without him. The first Remembrance Day without him. His first heavenly birthday. The first Christmas without him. The first New Year's Eve without him...and it goes on. I know it will hit me hard this year and next year. I don't know how I'm going to deal with them, but all I can do is try it one day at a time.

As the saying goes...grief is just love, with nowhere to go. 

1 Year Post Spinal Surgery

Oct 28, 2026 would be 1 year since my spinal surgery.

1 year ago to this day, I was not able to sit, stand or walk for very long. Towards the end of October 2025, I was not able to lay down either. Everything was just painful. I was on a long list of medications which was not helping. The last resort was a dose of Hydromorphone - 8 times stronger than Morphine - and it didn't even hit me. 

1 year later...well, a lot has happened as you know. But from a spinal perspective, the sciatica is mostly gone. The burning sensation is gone. The sharp shooting pain is gone. All I've had to deal with was mostly just random muscle aches. 

I've attended physio as much as I could, to learn all the proper body mechanics and exercises to continue when I feel aches. The key is, to keep moving. Once you get lazy and stop or stay stagnant, the aches will come back. On-going proper posture is also key in maintaining good spinal health. 

I was hoping to celebrate my 1 year post surgery, but unfortunately dad didn't get to make it to this day. It's not so much of a celebration now, but more of a throwback. 

Overall, I had maintained all the postures, all the exercises leading up to dad's hospitalization. Once he physically depended on us to help him, the repeated duties started to strain my back. Sometimes in the spur of the moment, I forget that I'm suppose to do this or that, and end up straining myself more than I should. Because I was just too focused on dad's well-being that I threw mine out the window.

Eventually I had to stop myself (along with my family scolding me that I pushed myself too much) if I didn't want to go through with another spinal injury and surgery. I had to remind myself to not twist or bend too much, but use my core if I wanted to help dad. I had to rewire my brain again. 

Ever since dad passed, my back has continued to ache. I meant to go back to physio, but once again, I'm stuck in my time phase. I know I need to do my exercises but haven't gotten to them just yet. However, I keep myself moving instead of staying still. 

My scar has healed nicely. I mean it could've healed much nicer if I had continuously used my scar cream but I got lazy in between and didn't put it on as frequently as I should. 

Aside from random cold feelings on my leg, or just this random feeling of numbness at times, overall I feel way better than last year. The surgery was a blessing in disguise. I'm still amazed how quick I was seen, and I thank God everyday that the surgery happened last year, and not this year. Otherwise there was no way I could help look after dad in the state that he was in. Physically it would've been very challenging. Given that I had time to heal, it gave me all the opportunity to help dad this year. God is wonderful, and I got to thank Him for sending me an amazing surgeon who took care of me. 

I don't use a cane anymore (woohoo). And although it's been more than a year since I wore heels, I was cleared from the surgeon to wear them again. But fair warning, to not fall over. Got it doc!

Last night, I went to watch Resident Evil (honestly, it was stupid. I prefer the first one 20+ years ago which had way more action) and wore my Loub heels for the first time in over a year. Thankfully it was a short walk because my feet started to really ache. I know I should work my way up to heels again. I just can't find my wedges. But anyways, it's a work in progress. Now that winter is just around the corner, I'm taking a long break from wearing heels. Maybe next year I'll try again. 

Although I'm cleared to now twist and bend, I still have to be very cautious I don't overdo it. Climbing into the sports cars is much better now, although I'm still cautious and take my time getting in and out of them. At least I can drive comfortably now versus last year. 

I still try to be very careful around very heavy items. I know I can't push myself too much, but I use proper body mechanics to do any heavy lifting. Most times, other people will take on the heavy lifting or moving while I do the light things as everyone is terrified I will re-herniate again. Anything is possible.

For those who are in a similar situation as I was last year, keep telling your doctors. Push for answers. Don't sit back and just let them dictate for you. If you've tried all the conservative therapies and it's getting worse, tell your doctor to refer to a spinal surgeon. Don't want too long to get it looked at. 

October is spinal health month. We only have one spine in this lifetime. Make sure to take care of it.

I don't even know what to title this

I debated if I should continue with this blog. For those who have stuck around for the past 20 years, thank you. For those who are just discovering this blog of mine, welcome to my blog. For those looking for spicy tea, you probably won't find much but I welcome you here into my virtual brain.

Given that life is so fragile, and perhaps a bit too short, I figured I'll just keep blogging for as long as I physically can, until I cannot anymore. In a way as I get older, I can look back to this and scold myself, or if I ever start losing my memory, this would (hopefully) help to remember who I was. 

The next few (who knows how long, I can't predict) blog entries will probably be a bit depressing or sad, just because my mind is still grieving. I have no idea how to deal with it, but I'm just trying to take it a day at a time. There is no specific topic to this blog, so it will just be all over the place.

2 weeks ago today, we finally laid my dad to rest. 

It's a weird feeling - I wish I can describe it - but it just feels surreal how this was 2 weeks ago. It felt like yesterday. I don't know where the time went. But I wish we could just rewind back to a decade ago when things were so much better. When dad was still here. When we were traveling the world. When dad was finally enjoying his retirement. When things were cheaper. You get the idea. 

Back in March, I (along with a small group of colleagues) were busy trying to secure a venue for our workplace's big anniversary party. Considering this was a big one, we didn't want to disappoint. We needed time to prepare for this. Once we secured the venue, the planning went ahead. 1 month before the party, that's when things really became stressful - trying to finalize the numbers, decorations, all the little details. All this happened while we were still working full time.

At the same time, I was dealing with dad's radiation therapy and then eventual hospitalization post immunotherapy (I'm going to leave this for another blog entry). Initially we thought he would only be there for a few days but it turned into almost 6 weeks before his eventual passing. Given the shortage of nursing staff, I would be working my full time job Monday to Friday, and in between would be visiting him to make sure he was ok. Thankfully mom was always with him, but I was also there to help medically if no nurse was around. Once my job was done for the day, I headed straight up to the unit and stayed there til late night. Came home only if he was medically stable.

You can imagine the stress, the grief, the anger of it all when a few days before the workplace anniversary party was to happen, my dad passed away. Mentally and emotionally, I was not able to continue finalizing the party details - I had to pass it to my colleagues to help finish the final details - while I had to switch over to planning a funeral instead. 

Nothing in life prepares you for losing a loved one. Yes, we all know we aren't escaping death. We are all going to die some day. Yet when it actually happens to you, that's when it really hits. The reality of it all. 

I knew that when M passed away 11 years ago, at that time I was a disaster. It took me about 2 years to finally accept that he was gone, that there was nothing I could do, and during that time, I really did try everything I could do to keep him alive. M wasn't even human. He was a cat. And I kept telling myself...if I was such a disaster in dealing with a cat's death, how will I ever deal with a loved one's passing? Especially if it came to my parents? Would I have to admit myself to an asylum? Go on drugs? Take cocaine?

Deep down, I had this gut feeling that dad wasn't going to make it past 2026. Maybe it's the nursing intuition. Maybe it was God giving me signs to prepare myself. But I didn't expect it to happen this fast. Even though I knew the prognosis wasn't the greatest, somehow deep within you, you still hope. You still hope they can get out of here. Our goal was to try and bring him home so if he passes, he would be in the comfort of his own home. The home that he worked so hard to get. And yet, he didn't quite make it home. To me, that is one of those things that guilt has started eating away at me.

Secondly, it made me question myself as a health care practitioner. Did I do everything I could to keep him alive? What could I have done better? Why didn't I stand up for him more? Why is it that I fight for my patients, yet when I fought for dad, it felt unheard? Was I not vocal enough? Did I not challenge the doctor's medical decisions enough? The guilt of...not being able to keep your own family alive, while you still work on keeping others' family members alive and advocate for them...yeah, the guilt. 

I felt that the medical team did not do that for him, for us. There was no advocacy, except to go comfort care because THEY felt it would be the best for him. I've heard of all this before - that it would be the best for him, it would end his suffering. Why go through all this if he's just going to be worse than before? I've heard it all because I was the one providing that information to families. But when you are on the other side now, it takes on a whole different ballpark.

In between the days, I asked dad if he would like us to continue life sustaining treatments for him, especially if his heart stopped beating. Did he want CPR? Or did he want us to let him go? He responded....save me. 

A couple of days before dad passed away, he was on this high flow oxygen (called Airvo), so there was a lot of noise from the oxygen. At this point, he had trouble swallowing and he wasn't getting enough nutrition because he kept aspirating, even after restarting his G-feeds. He was just so weak. But even after all that, he looked at me and whispered "Yaya...I want to go home." 

You know, those words still kill me to this day. 

I told him, yes dad, I know you want to go home. We are trying to get you better so you can go home with us. Yet I felt that I couldn't fulfill his last wish. Another guilt to add to the book.

I know people keep telling me to not feel guilty, that I tried my best, that he's no longer suffering and is now free. But that's the thing. They can just say it and go about their day. But me? I can't do that. The brain just doesn't switch off and say ok, accepted. Let's move on now. It's a lot more complicated than that.

And that's another thing. I haven't lost anyone close to me, ever. When my colleagues or friends or other relatives who deal with immediate family loss, I offer them comforting words and a shoulder to cry on. But did I really know what grief meant at that time? Not at all. I was very fortunate that I didn't know what grief felt like. Until now. 

Grief is wild. I don't know about beautiful, but it's weird. 

The other day, I was opening up a bag of potato chips. Poured it into a bowl. And then I cried. It just happened - no control whatsoever. It hit me that...whenever I opened a bag of chips to eat, and dad was around, he would either sneak a few bites from my bowl, or take the remaining bag of chips and start eating it with chopsticks (yes, a very Asian thing to do). But now? I have no one to share my bag of chips with. I have no one to bother me about asking if they could sneak a few bites from my bowl, or taking the bag away from me. Sure, my mom is still here to eat with me. But it's just not the same. I feel like I'm still missing a piece of the puzzle.

It's also the moments of when I'm eating lunch or dinner, and I'm about to call dad to come and eat while looking at the sofa that he usually sits at, only to see it empty.

It's also walking by the room where I built both Lego Titanic and Concorde for dad, because he's always wanted a Titanic model, or his love of aviation. He would secretly try to play with the Concorde's flaps when I wasn't looking. Yet now when I walk by the room, or if I'm in the room staring at both models, I break down.

That's grief. Grief comes in many forms. And it will hit at anytime, any place, anywhere. School won't teach you how to deal with grief. A master's or PhD program won't teach you how to deal with grief.

People say it's beautiful because you have all these memories with your loved ones, that it reminds you of them. It brings back the love, the good times, and that you are fortunate to have all these positive memories. It keeps them alive, through you.

Yet, it's sad because building Lego for me now will always be depressing. It reminds me that this new set I'm building, dad isn't here to watch me build it, nor will he get to see it in person. He won't get to tell me "wow, that's amazing. That's not easy, but I'm so proud of you." 

And that's the thing. Dad always told me how proud he was of me. It didn't matter that I was rebellious and did stupid things behind his back, or that I went and wasted money on whatever item. He would always end our conversation with "No matter what, daddy loves you and will always be proud of you."

One of the things I regret is not taking enough pictures during big moments, such as the day I brought the Cayman home. The days leading up to that moment wasn't the greatest because here I went, going to a Porsche dealership and signed papers on a car that I didn't consult him to buy. Yes, I'm an adult and can do whatever I want with my money, but for these big moments, I should've involved him. But I was scared. Both mom and dad were quite mad when I did that and kept telling me I'm wasting my money. 

Yet, on the day that I went to pick up the Cayman, my dad came with me. But I was so afraid of judgement from my own family, that I told the dealership to just keep it subtle -  leave the car out, I'll sign papers real quick. No balloons or unveiling or anything. It felt like any regular car pick up. There was nothing special. 

Deep down, I really wanted a special moment. I worked hard, saved up and bought the car of my dreams. I should celebrate. But I let fear get to me. Instead of a celebratory moment, it felt like a secret. No pictures. No champagne. Nothing. And honestly, I should've celebrated. Dad worked hard all his life, and I wanted to make him proud. Having a daughter buy a Porsche in this lifetime? He wouldn't have believed it, but it happened.

Over the years, I let that fear eat away at me. For any car cruises, I could've asked him to come along, but then we'd be gone an entire day and I'd have to leave mom at home by herself. Car cruises were merely just my hobby. It's still tough to drive the Cayman knowing he's not here anymore, because he was the one who also came with me to pick it up and drive it home. At least THAT moment will forever be engrained in my head. But never once did I get to take a picture with him standing beside it. That's my regret when it came to the Cayman. I wish I could've at least taken some photos with him beside it or driving it. 

Everyday is tough. Going back to work at least helped to distract me from all my sadness. I'm also very blessed to have colleagues who are so supportive and understand what I'm going through. It helps to tackle each day at a time. But home time is the hardest for me, as all the memories of seeing him in familiar places get to me and it hits me hard. 

There are still certain rooms I have a hard time going into while at home. There is one particular bathroom that he used during his previous hospitalizations - made it easier for him. It's been 2 years and I haven't used the toilet there. Because I considered it his bathroom. Or his dinner chair. I can't sit in his spot because it's just weird. That's his spot, not mine. Same with the sofa. I can't sit where he sat all this time. His spare room. It feels weird going into it to look for something because those are his items, not mine.

I guess that's what grief is all about. The recovery. The healing journey. The reality that they're no longer here physically with us. 

I'm still coming to terms with this, so bear with me as I go through this journey, trying to navigate it and not go insane at the same time.

If you've made it this far, I thank you for reading. I thank you for sticking around. 

I saw dad in my dreams

Last night, I finally didn't take my Baclofen.

For a while now (or depending how I felt), I relied on muscle relaxants to ease my back especially after doing too much heavy lifting. In my case, dad needed a lot of help so it put a lot of stress on my body. 

After dad passed, my body and brain was under extreme stress and hurt (it still is). Every night I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep. So off I go, popping a pill. After a while, everything turns black and I don't wake up until the next morning. Dreams were non-existent. It was just pitch black every night.

Last night I was tired, but felt I didn't need any pills so I just dozed off.

I did wake up a couple of times at night for whatever reason. But this time I couldn't fall back asleep. Because this time, I finally dreamt about dad. I had waited for this moment for a while and was angry as to why I didn't have any dreams about him. But at last...

I had a vivid dream.

It was during the daytime at home. It was a nice, summer day with sunshine and a bit of a breeze. 

The windows to the family room were open. The white curtains were fluttering lightly in the wind, against the sun. In reality, we haven't opened those windows in years. 

I was in the hallway when I noticed this figure just outside of those windows. I saw someone dressed with a black suit, red tie with a white shirt and a green vest. 

It was dad.

He had on the exact same outfit in the picture that we had just picked out for him for the funeral.

At first it startled me because I was wondering why dad was on the outside of the house and not inside. Secondly, why didn't he say hi and hug me? 

I ran towards the window, calling for him.

He saw me, but he started to slowly walk away.

I ran even faster, to please wait for me. By the time I got to the window, I peeked outside and he was gone. I couldn't find him around the corner of the house.

Then I woke up. 

I haven't slept since that moment. It's been replaying over and over in my head. The last time I had a vivid dream was years ago after M passed away. 

I've been trying to decipher what this all means. The sunshine, the wind breeze, the curtains fluttering in the wind...it's all symbolic of the Holy Spirit, that God is here in the present. When one door closes, another opens. It's almost like going from earth to the heavens. This is especially symbolic given that our windows haven't opened in years. But now that it's suddenly opened, this would make sense.

The best verse that was provided to me: Revelation 21:4-5 --> And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Then He who sat on the throne said "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me "Write, for these words are true and faithful." (NKJV).

It is true that there is no further pain or suffering for dad. This era is now over for him physically. When I saw him in my dream, he looked peaceful and not in pain, and he was dressed in a suit. He looked comfortable. 

It's still a struggle trying to wrap my head around the reality of it all. Nothing really prepares you for losing someone so close to you after so many years. Yes, we are all going to die physically - there is no escape. But I mean NOTHING prepares you for the emotional toil that comes after the death of a loved one. The grief hits at anytime, and anywhere. And it's ok to grieve. It doesn't mean you just say bye and move on with your life. It means learning to move forward with their memories engrained in you. 

In earthly words, I pretty much died on September 22nd. Nothing I do will bring back my dad, just like how I couldn't bring back M. All I can do now is to embrace all the love he had given me all these years, and continue to keep those memories alive as I continue to live as best as I can on this earth, until it is time to meet God, and I can finally see dad again.

Dad...

September 22 will be a day I'll never forget. 

Today is the day my dad passed away from complications of liver cancer, at 6:42pm. He was surrounded by my mom, brother and I. We were all there when he took his last breath. I am blessed that I was able to be with him until the end, just like how he had been there when I was born in the beginning. Not everyone gets to experience this, and for that I am grateful.

Heartbroken and devastation are understatements of how I feel at the moment. 

I knew he had been sick for a while, but he kept persevering through the tough times, as if he didn't even have issues, but I knew it was slowing him down. He had been in hospital for almost 6 weeks. 6 torturous weeks, which involved constant aspiration pneumonia, failed attempts at NG tubes, GJ tube insertion, aspirating constantly on his saliva, and then of course all the doctors ordering exuberant amounts of antibiotics because they all had no clue what was causing his aspiration. Was it the immunotherapy? Was it something else? No one could tell me. 

As a daughter, it is difficult watching your loved ones slowly drowning in their own saliva. When that happens, deep suctioning using a catheter is required and not all nurses are trained for that. Unfortunately I couldn't rely on staff to suction him all the time, so I used my expertise to help him breathe. Let me tell you, it is a horrendous experience for both. It's the most uncomfortable feeling for anyone to get any tubes stuck down their throats while awake. As a daughter, I wanted to save him and this was the only way to keep him breathing, so I had to help deep suction within boundaries. Too little of it and he would have difficulty breathing. Too much and it could cause more damage and more phlegm in the airway. 

I'm grateful for the nursing team for taking care of my dad as best as possible. But no thanks to one particular doctor. 

I pray that dad is now in a better place, pain free and no longer suffering.

I love you dad <3

No more captive whales...

Today, we celebrate the last remaining 6 whales that are being transported from Marineland to various aquariums in the USA and Spain.

Canada no longer has any further whales (orcas, belugas) and dolphins held in captivity. This marks the end of whale breeding and captivity.

Humans are the WORST to ever exist on this planet. All this started because fishermen would get paid thousands to capture these beautiful creatures, all for human entertainment. Money is the root of all evil. 

Imagine you get captured as a 2 year old, to swim and perform in a bathtub for the rest of your life. You get torn away from your family, and put into a tub full of other 2 year olds (all from different backgrounds), and are told to perform. The only way you get rewarded is if you do what you're told, and boom, you get a fish in your mouth. Congratulations. What a way to live a life.

This is exactly what the orcas had gone through for the past 50 years. The marine parks exploded in the 80's with many captured whales around the world, all set to perform and entertain guests. Yes, whales are very smart and people don't have to prove that. We can already see it in the wild. Why must you capture them to perform tricks in front of guests? Ohhhh right, so you as a corporation can get paid millions (yes, I'm looking at you SeaWorld and Marineland).

I'm so glad Marineland has finally shut down. It's a bitter sweet moment - as kids, we are all mesmerized by these gigantic beauties. I mean, which kid is lucky enough to take a boat into the wild and watch whales sky hopping in front of them? Probably not too many. Marine parks were the closest thing you can get to them. I think if they had created it as a sanctuary, then it would be better. But for entertainment purposes? Absolutely not.

When Keiko (i.e Free Willy) became so popular that kids all over the world wanted to set him free, it wasn't as easy as everyone thought. They had to build a huge sanctuary for him to train him how to hunt in the wild again. Because keep in mind, Keiko was captured near Iceland in 1979 and sold to various marine parks (including Marineland in 1982) where he was forced to perform. Keiko spent many of his years in captivity versus in the wild. You can't just throw a whale back in the wild, expecting them to adapt. After staring in the Free Willy movie franchise, a petition came to set him free into the wild. 

Considering these are highly intelligent mammals, they are also very high emotional animals. They have their own 'language' that they communicate with their own families. They cannot just join any random pod that they encounter in the wild because they wouldn't be speaking the same languages. And that is exactly what happened to Keiko when he was released into the wild.

Eventually Keiko experienced about a year of free wild life before succumbing to pneumonia in December 2003.

It's bitter sweet that these remaining belugas and dolphins are being sent to another aquarium instead of a sanctuary. But the reality is there is no such beluga sanctuary. No where in the world have they built one yet. Why move these belugas?

Because Marineland was threatening to euthanize all the whales if no one would take them. They actually used euthanasia as a bargaining tool because they didn't have enough money left to pay for the care of the whales. Can you imagine if hospitals did the same thing? If you don't take your family out of here, we will euthanize them because they're taking up a bed and we're losing money. Yeah, it's not going to end well. 

I wish I could say let's celebrate, but it is bitter sweet. It's not a solution either to release them into the wild because many of them were born into captivity and have never even hunted before. They wouldn't survive in the wild because they would get hunted by other predators. 

I'm glad Marineland has gone bankrupt. Ever since the original owner passed away, everything has gone to sh!t. I don't think it was his vision to have Marineland turn out the way it is today. Corporation greed. 

So far one of the beluga whales (Peekachu) has passed away soon after arriving to Chicago's aquarium. It hasn't even been a month yet of relocation. My heart hurts for each of these belugas. All we can do for them is hope for the best.

10 months later...

It's crazy to think that a year ago, I was not able to stand or walk for more than 2 minutes at a time without my leg burning up. 

A year ago I slept on the floor, upside down, flat on the floor, anything to try and alleviate the back pain that I was experiencing. Nothing worked. Not even Hydromorphone could take away the pain.

10 months post surgery, things have progressed well. I still continue to do my monthly physio sessions, although lately it has progressed to my knee. I think with prolong use of a cane, it actually stressed out my knee more. I'm not using a cane anymore thankfully but now I deal with the after effects. 

I continue to try and work on my core. Honestly, it's hard having my brain tell my body to USE YOUR CORE whenever it comes to picking things up or turning a patient. I never rely on my back to do things as much because I know it could reherniate. But considering last year I couldn't even suck in my core without sending electric shocks down my leg, I'm taking the opportunity from now on to use my core.

I don't experience any sciatic pain anymore thankfully. Although sometimes I do feel a very light sensation, almost like my leg going cold. But I also felt that last year too. I know I have to be careful if I ever need to reposition someone in bed or give them a boost up in bed because sometimes the brain bypasses all that and just goes straight to moving them up in bed, WITHOUT engaging the core. AND you will feel that pull in the back again. Not good.

Made that mistake once, and you won't ever make the same mistake again.

Carrying heavy items? Same thing, I use my leg muscles, squat a bit and then engage the core. I don't bend the back anymore lest I want to reherniate again. 

Gardening? This I'm still learning. I have a tendency to squat down and pick at the weeds. I did that recently and I can feel my back muscles aching for days. I can tell it's the back muscles and not the discs though so at least that I can distinguish. Same with my legs. I can definitely feel them. I should not squat for that long anymore to be honest. 

I used to crack my back all the time to release some tension. Unfortunately I cannot (and should not) crack my back anymore going forward, as I don't want to dislodge my remaining disc. 

Heating pad is still my best friend. It definitely helps to relax the muscles. It's torture during hot summer days though because the heat would keep me awake. 

As time goes on, I have learned to adapt to new ways of saving my back, and protecting it. Although I have been cleared to wear high heels again, I choose not to. I would have to relearn how to walk in them again. 

As for medications? I've reduced it to just one. Baclofen. The doctor wants me to take it 3 times a day as needed. I only limit to once at night if needed, because I cannot function during the daytime with it. It's especially useful after a very labour intense day where all the muscles are super tense. But just like with any medications, you can't rely on it forever. The longer you take it, the more your body gets used to the doses, and then you have to keep increasing the doses. 

Most days are pretty good I would say. There are only far and few bad days since the surgery, and it's probably because I overexert myself on whatever tasks. It's crazy how the human body can take so much but yeah, don't push yourself past the limit. Always listen to your body. 

Less than 2 months and it would be 1 year since surgery. Hang tight for another update.

Can't Trust GTR peeps

This doesn't include friends who own a GTR (you know who you are, it's very few of you). 

This is not my story, but on behalf of another friend who had this experience and is trying to get her money back. 

She was looking to sell her fenders last year. Lo and behold, some of her so called GTR 'friends' (we shall call them Shrimp and H) had a mutual friend who was looking for fenders (we will call him Saeid). Saeid drives a white GTR with all these carbon decorations all over the place already and has a fiancee, and generally well off. 

Shrimp suggested my friend to sell the fenders to this Saeid guy at $1500, and the guy agreed. However, after a certain time, Shrimp then told this guy it was slightly overpriced. Then the guy had the audacity to FORCE my friend to give it to him quick because he really needed it. 

My friend, being the sweet person that she is, was promised that the money would go through so she had it shipped urgently to Saeid. It's been almost a year and she has not seen any of this money.

All her messages to all the guys above have gone unanswered, or avoided. They have screenshotted her messages to each other, and instead of being a man and dealing with it, they're just a bunch of limp d*cks and avoiding the entire situation. 

This girl worked frigging hard for her money. You guys don't understand it. You guys don't understand the struggles that she had to go through to get where she is today. To leave her out hanging dry, that's not what real friends do. That's what fake friends do. 

And then they have the balls to still message her inviting her out to meets or drives. But they still wouldn't acknowledge the money payment from their 'friend'. This is why the GTR community is such a joke. It is full of jesters, idiots and fakers. I would know because I had to deal with one myself. 

She had even reached out to a Battalion30five member if those guys can be posted, because of what they did to her. Battalion's response? Oh, we can't do that.

Of course, Battalion30five is another one I couldn't trust either. I got kicked out of their club for no reason, and I was there just to admire people's rides. So why am I not surprised that they don't stand up for us women? Are we that dramatic? Someone didn't pay so technically they stole the parts.

To the trio who have hurt my friend, you guys will pay. 

Random Things

Welp, here we go again. A post about everything and anything.

First off, I finally went and did my allergy test. It started off with the skin prick test, which tested me for my usual allergens (grass, ragweed) and they also tested for latex and green kiwi. The grass one went reactive very quickly and got really itchy. I was relieved the latex turned negative. Then again, it's been more than 10 years since I touched anything latex (gloves). 

The green kiwi turned negative. I was reading that about 25 to 60% of commercial kiwi extract comes out as a false negative, versus bringing in a fresh green kiwi to do the test (this would yield about 93-95% sensitivity result. I had no idea I was suppose to bring in a kiwi as they never informed me, but anyways they were only able to use the commercial extract, which during storage it would actually degrade. Hence why the high false negative results.

Next thing up: to do the blood test for both latex and kiwi. I went to the nearest Life Labs at 0745am, when it opened at 8am. And damn, there was already a line up. Thankfully it didn't take too long before it was my turn. I signed up for the Life Labs login to get results. I checked about 2 weeks later (as these results take much longer than peanut allergy tests as kiwi is not a very common allergy). Lo and behold, it shows.....negative.

Now, this blood work was only testing for IgE levels in the blood, not kiwi specific protein variants. This would be a separate blood work on its own. Also, OHIP does not cover such tests, so I ended up paying about $79 to get these 2 blood tests done. If you have any work insurance coverage, you can easily get it reimbursed. 

Hmm. Strange. BUT interesting enough, the lab work does have a warning to say to not always trust the result, as the patient's experience is the most accurate.

I had to look up how often a kiwi blood work would yield a false negative or positive. False negatives occur in 10-20% of all cases. There is still a chance it could be missed, but of course the only way to find out is to do those specific protein variant tests (or the Compound Resolved Diagnostics test). I'm not sure if I would need to go this CRD route but otherwise, the next follow up is in September. My allergist had reminded that if these come back negative, to still not eat the kiwis in the meantime. Aside from those 2 separate incidents, I have not had any similar experiences while eating other foods. So it is a possibility that it's just a really bad reaction. Nonetheless I still won't take a chance to eat it.

So now we wait, for the final conclusion in September.

Next up:

I was reading this news report about this 11 year old kid and how he took $2000 from his family's emergency fund, to go buy Roblox gift cards from Walmart. 

The parents had the audacity to blame it on Walmart for not stopping a transaction initiated by a child. And this is why our world is going to sh!t. 

First of all, this kid STOLE money from the family emergency fund. He didn't ask his parents to borrow 2 grand (what kid would ask their parents for that much money anyways), so he stole it. And then went to buy gift cards. Big retail companies don't care about the age, they only care that you can afford to pay for shiet. 

Second, the parents blaming Walmart for not stopping the transaction? Why you blaming Walmart? No. You should be teaching your child to not steal from family. Like heck, don't steal period. When I read that, the first thing I said was, these parents have NO accountability for their child's actions. Instead, they look for someone to blame (aside from themselves). 

I just thought that was a waste of space to even write an article on it. The parents probably thought they could stop big companies from doing transactions with kids or to have companies question kids when they use large amounts of cash. But no, instead it makes them look stupid. 

Here, I'll parent for you. Punish your kid. Take away his access to online gaming. Make him do chores around the house and teach him that with each chore, you would only pay $5 to get it done each time. But considering he stole 2 grand, he won't get paid until he reaches 2 grand worth of chores. And for God's sake, TELL HIM STEALING IS WRONG. 

Then I read another article about some chick who had bought a used Subaru (a 2024) but it was still under warranty. She decided to do her own oil changes because she's a car chick, and her dad had taught her how to do the basic car repairs. Ok sounds great, good for you.

But when the car started having issues, she took it to the dealership to find out what happened. It turns out there was a lot more engine damage than expected, and when the dealership asked for the oil change receipts, she admitted to the dealership that she did her own oil changes.

Of course, the warranty work got denied.

So then she went to the news agency to complain and hoped her car would get warranty work completed.

First of all, you take risks when you do your own work WHILE your car is under warranty with the dealership. It doesn't matter if it's just simple oil changes. If something happens with the engine, dealerships will look at all the various services that you had attempted and will do whatever it takes to deny the warranty work ESPECIALLY if you did it yourself, or you took it to a non-dealership shop to have work done on it.

Again, another waste of space in the news. While the car remains under warranty, get whatever done at the dealership. Once the warranty is up, then you can do whatever the F you want with your car. No strings attached. It seems like people would go to the news to complain about ANYTHING at this point. Oh, this coffee shop didn't toast my bread enough. McDonald's didn't put enough milk into my coffee. My job doesn't pay me enough.

People are stupid.

Which leads me to...why do people cross the road so slow.

I'm not talking about the elderly or those with assistive devices. I'm talking about the young ambulatory adults who has the capability of running, but when they cross the road, they're all having a good chat and pausing in the middle of the street laughing. Meanwhile, there are cars waiting to make a left turn while you laugh your ass off about monkey poop. Yes, that's happened to me lately, along with the stupid tards that drive on the road. The countdown continues and yet, these yutes continue to laugh and walk so slow that even my grandma (who is dead) could crawl out of her grave faster. 

By the time they were almost done crossing the road, the light was about to turn yellow. Being in the Cayman, it has such great power that after I turned, I pretty much redlined it in first gear. The flat 6 sound just came to life and I'm pretty sure I scared a few people nearby. You just can't get that raw power and noise anymore.

Who wants to hear an EV make alien noises? Honestly, every time I hear an EV back up, I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. Or I'm about to be sucked up into a spaceship. It's weird.

And that's the other thing. With so many hybrids and EV, there's no noise. What are we going to do with an entire generation of elderly Baby Boomers who are hard of hearing? They can't hear sh!t when a car is coming. That's dangerous. The risk of getting into accident will go up. 

In conclusion, get a catless exhaust system like Akrapovic. Now the elderly will be able to hear a car approaching. 

CNE is back!!! Not like I'll go to it, but wait did I just see that entrance fee is $25 plus tax??! What?! And on top of parking, which is probably $60 now. Taking public transit is probably the best bet. But damn. $25?? I remember when it used to be $5 after 5pm. Or entrance fee being less than $10. No more of those times.

The rides are still the same old beat up ones. The food is just as gross as before. The games are super overpriced (last year I heard it was $10 to play Whack a Mole. WHAT?). Yeah, I just have no interest to attend anymore.

BTS. They're back!!! Ok I don't know many of their songs, just some. But I respect how they performed in the rain at one of their concerts last week. Being at the Rogers Stadium, it's such a weird set up but it is what it is. I wouldn't want to walk so far for a concert and I'm not a diehard fan that I must go to their concert. I enjoy random clips of it on IG. 

Lastly, I have been exhausted lately (along with the rest of the family) as we had to deal with a family emergency lately. It's weird being on the other side of healthcare. It's one thing as a health care professional to tell a patient's family to make informed decisions, but it's another thing to be at the receiving end. Ultimately, we just want the best for our family. We become the advocate for them when they cannot speak, and we will do whatever it takes to get them back home, alive and healthy.

It is true, once you're admitted to hospital for a prolong period of time, the chances of one getting more weak and sick increases tenfold. If you can (and if safe to do so), aim to get them out of hospital as soon as you can. 

Advocate. Take care of one another. Don't let the medical system determine what is the right thing to do. Ultimately, it is your choice and you make the informed decision. Stay safe everyone.

BAB - Giant Mocha

Ooops...I did it again.

No, I really did.

After I got the giant Kuromi last fall (before my back surgery), I swore to myself that I would not get another giant plushie. There's only so much space at home that I can fit gigantic plushies. Secondly, giant plushies are heavy. I don't think I have the strength yet to carry it through a mall. I have a giant Pikachu as well (the ears stick out of the Cayman when I drive), and now Kuromi. There's just no way I would find another cute plush.

Until Mocha came along.

Build a Bear has been on a roll with Sanrio characters. You can find all characters in the regular size plush. The giant versions include Kuromi, Cinnamoroll, Pompompurin, Chococat, and now Mocha. Mocha was released on January 22nd of this year. 

While I was still recovering and slowly going back to work in January, I randomly started scrolling the BAB website. Lo and behold, I see this giant Mocha. I don't know much about the character, except that it's best friends with Cinnamoroll. Is it a dog? A rabbit? I had no idea, but it was cute. The price? It was fluctuating between $190-195 Cdn. Basically the same price as what I got Kuromi. I couldn't justify paying north of $200 for another giant plush.

However, because I was bored many days, I saved that website on my phone and would randomly check on it. Hoping for a miracle maybe? Aside from boredom, I really had no intention to just buy it.

So every other day from January until end of July, I would randomly check the BAB site with Mocha. Near the end of July, I decided to check the website one more time. And to my surprise, there was a notification! What! What do you mean?!

I clicked it and it said "50% off all giant BABs on August 1st".

WHAT. SAY IT AGAIN?

50% off giant plushies (only exception is Disney characters, such as Stitch). There's just no way. Impossible. Why do they have to tempt me like this? 

And even better is, anything purchased over $100 is free shipping to Canada. WHY YOU GOTTA TEMPT ME MAN.

There are 2 options with these giant Sanrio characters. You can either just purchase the plushies on its own, or buy the bow that goes around its neck (which is an extra $11). With 50% off, the plushie only would be about $97.50. Then you'd have to add the shipping, tax and duties on top of it. You might as well just add the bow for a total of $108, then you get free shipping. Surprisingly the tax and duties were not too crazy. 

Thankfully August 1st is a Saturday and I was off work. So what did I do? I set my alarm for 2:30am. I didn't know if the sale would start at midnight, LA time. But I didn't want to take a chance. I was going to go for it. 

I woke up at 2:30am to hit the website. Thankfully I had saved it the previous evening and it was already in my shopping bag. I made sure to check my credit card information, the delivery address etc. Then I pressed buy. I received the confirmation email and I was super happy.

Then I realized....I forgot to click off "unstuffed". Yeah. Bad idea. Unstuffed is actually the best way because 1) you won't get a massive box delivered to your home, 2) less risk of your box being mashed up and 3) I read that when you order 'stuffed and ready to play', the stuffing inside is quite tougher compared to stuffing in store. The problem with BAB is that once you order it stuffed or unstuffed, there is no going back.

Nonetheless I still tried to ask their AI chat person if it was possible to change it to unstuffed but I was out of luck. See, this is why you don't order sh!t at 3am because you could miss one tiny detail. 

BAB's website is also not the greatest. I'm reading that with any large sale drops or debuts, people would order whatever plushies and you won't know that it's out of stock until you check out. You would get an error message when you attempt to check out and it will just bring you back to the BAB website. It takes them probably a day or two to finally update the website as 'out of stock' if something does sell out. People on Reddit have complained about this but BAB has not fixed this issue. 

From the date of order until delivery day, it took about 2 weeks (this includes one national holiday here). Overall, wasn't too bad. 

You can imagine my surprise when Mocha finally arrived in this massive box. Thankfully the box was very secure, not damaged like what others have reported. It looked immaculate. Hubby recorded the unboxing and I didn't realize but I squealed when I took her out the box. 

The first thing I noticed? The stuffing. Yeah, it's no joke the stuffing is a lot harder than the stuffing in store. I guess if you like your plushies very firm, having it stuffed before delivery is the right way to go. But if you want your plushie nice and soft, it's better to go to the BAB store and get it stuffed there. It also feels much heavier than Kuromi, all because of the stuffing I'm sure.

The thing you miss out on if you have it stuffed for delivery is you don't get the experience of stuffing it yourself. You don't get to do the heart ceremony or 'bathing' it in store (this helps to get rid of excess threads that hang off the fur). As I said, I was drunk on lack of sleep when ordering otherwise I would've ordered it unstuffed, as my original intention. 

I also read that it's still possible to get it stuffed in store if you don't like the original stuffing. The 2 options are 1) you cut the thread and remove the stuffing yourself or 2) bring it to BAB and have them unstuff it and then stuff it again. It's such a process and I haven't had the time to do this but I'm hoping to just unstuff it at home first, then take it to BAB to get it re-stuffed again. I can't stand the firmness of it. 

Alright, enough talk, let's get to the good stuff.

I'm about 5 foot 6 and Mocha is over half the size of me.

                                         Mocha and Kuromi getting acquainted with one another.

Honestly, that 50% off deal was so worth it. BAB has about 2 sales that happen every year for giant plushies. The first is Black Friday. Second is sometime in the summer (in this case it landed on August 1st, but sometimes it could be in July - you will just have to check back to the website). 

I didn't realize that I waited 7 months for a massive sale. This is the first win in a really long time. So HECK YES to celebrating a sale! I would've attempted to buy Kuromi at 50% off Black Friday sale but if I recall, Kuromi sold out before November 2025 and has remained sold out since then. 

The Details:

Build a Bear

Company: Sanrio

Character: Mocha 

Height: 36 inches, or 91cm

Weight: 105 ounces, or 6.56 lbs (2.97kg)

Regular Price: $195 Cdn (without the bow), $205 Cdn (with the bow). Free shipping to Canada but need to add tax and duties.

Sale Price: $108 Cdn + tax/duties = $123.98 Cdn

Pros: 

-SOOO KAWAIIII

-very soft fur

-love the pink bows

-it's massive

Cons:

-it's massive

-getting it stuffed before shipping is not the greatest as the stuffing makes Mocha quite firm. Order it unstuffed, then have it stuffed in store if you want a more softer feel (this goes with ANY Build a Bear characters)

Why I wouldn't buy a GT3RS

I'm not here to bash the car. They're probably the best track legal cars money can buy. Do I agree it should be listed for half a million dollars (and obviously a lot more after you've optioned it out)? No, but it's a Porsche. Expect the unexpected. 

10 years ago if I were to attend a car meet and saw a GT3RS, I would drool all over the floor. It wasn't something I would see very often. Even more rare are the PTS colours. I'd probably stand and continue to gawk at one until the sun sets. 

Nowadays, I see them way too often. It's come to the point that they're not as exclusive as I thought they should be. Perhaps there are way more clients now with a lot of disposable income that can afford to buy the car, and that's great too. That means more people are achieving their dream goals. 

I still think they're amazing cars with great engineering. You can throw it around and it wouldn't break. It was meant for the tracks, not for going to the grocery store to fulfill your weekly shopping. But why is it that I don't have much appeal to get one?

Well, unless you can relate to this, then you probably won't understand completely why. 

Number one, it is a lot of money. No one makes over half a million dollars in their jobs in one year. Sure, you can have plenty of investments on the side which would definitely help, but I'm talking about a normal 9-5 job. Realistically, it just doesn't make sense if you're doing a normal 9-5 job. Even if you put down a deposit or money down, it doesn't make sense to pay 5-6K a month in car payments. That's just...suicide. 

Second, unless you've had some sort of spinal surgery done on you, you probably would not understand the challenges it takes to get into a GT3RS, but also OUT of the vehicle. 

Years ago I had an opportunity to sit in one. Sit is an understatement. I FELL into the seat, ass first of course. Comfort wise, it was not comfortable. These are racing bucket seats we are talking about. Great for the tracks, horrible for everyday traffic like Toronto. If you have existing spinal issues, it would kill your back. If you have any pre-existing spinal compression issues happening, then the GT3RS will compress it even more for you. 

Getting out of the RS was also another challenge in itself. You literally have to climb out of it. There is a way to scoot over and sit by the edge, while placing your left hand on the bottom sill, then pushing yourself out. But unless you build a strong core, you might as well just roll out of the car. You've probably seen that video of the older gentleman climbing out of the Lambo, hands first type of thing. Yeah, that's exactly how I felt getting out of the RS. And I'm not even of retirement age yet. I may look young, but internally, I feel 90.

In this situation, I had to ask someone to help me get out of the RS because it was just that painful. Now why would I spend half a million dollars on a car that's 1) not comfortable to sit in and 2) makes it such a nightmare to climb in and out of, especially after spinal surgery? It just doesn't make sense to me. 

Now this was all before the surgery. Post surgery, I have not attempted to sit in anyone's RS due to the fear of re-herniating myself. Nor sat in any very low cars (Lambo, Ferrari, McLaren etc). I thought the Cayman in stock was low enough and I still struggle with it. I had to ask the shop to raise my coilovers on the Genesis because it was lower than the Cayman.

Lastly, there isn't a proper frunk or trunk in a RS. This girl has many things to put away and with a lack of space, RS isn't just feasible.

Yes, I'm totally justifying my reasons. I don't have to, but I choose to. 

As much as I would love to get into something higher (eg a Macan), the 981S generation has been so well built, it would be a downgrade for me to trade it in for a Macan. I would most likely regret selling it off. The other day I was checking Autotrader to see if I could find anything from this generation and nothing was popping up. 

I still have many more happy miles (or kms) to build with the Cayman. If there's anything that's close to a racecar on a normal day, the Cayman does its job quite well. A detuned 911 engine, in a mid-engine set up? You don't understand how well-balanced this car is and the capability of it. 

Overall, I'm just fortunate enough to even own anything Porsche in this lifetime. Unlike some people who want to build a rapport with the dealerships, just so they can get an allocation for a RS, I could care less about that because I'm not dying for a RS or anything GT. I'm not locking myself up with non stop car payments over decades because I was told 'no, you can't get this because you didn't buy enough cars' (unlike some people I know, who are still doing that and didn't get what they wanted, because they can't handle 'no' for an answer). Whatever happened to just being happy with what you have? 

Cheers to those who have gotten their allocation and dream built of their cars. It's truly a journey to go through and it would be cool to experience it once in this life time, but will I die if I don't get to experience it? No. I've got other things to worry about that this doesn't bother me. 

In the meantime, cheers to those who enjoy whatever Porsches they have right now because as I said previously, we are the lucky few who are fortunate to even get our hands on one. Drive it, enjoy it, make lots of memories with it. 

Adults not Adulting

What is with adults not acting like adults? I swear, some younger children act more responsible than adults. 

It happens everywhere: car meets, at the mall, at work, at home, at the park, on cruises, you name it. 

You have 2 grown adults, one of which is saying one thing but meanwhile the second adult is annoyed at the first one for whatever reasons and telling the first adult to stop talking or leave them alone. The first adult's response would be to keep egging the second person on, until the second person loses it. Then ya'll start acting like children and throw tantrums at each other. 

I see this all the time at work. If it's not between staff to staff, it's staff to patients. Again same thing. One wants this, the other says no. And argument ensues. 

When they can't resolve it with each other, they come to me and ask for help. Meanwhile I am minding my own business trying to get through my pile of sh!t and I have to deal with your child tantrums? All because someone insisted on coming in at 5pm, but you told them no? And they got angry? I mean...what is happening everywhere? 

They assume I can fix everything because I have the 'authority' or the 'power' to change things. Not really. My only power is listening to people and finding a resolution. It has nothing to do with big boss CEO power. And this is what confuses me.

When did we adults become children that we forgot how to problem solve? Did we forget manners too? Why is everyone suddenly yelling at each other because you both have disagreements on one thing? What happened to mutual respect for one another? Isn't that one of the company's values? I guess all those yearly courses of workplace violence and prevention is all a joke.

Car meets? Oh man those are the best. When you got guys duking it out to see who got the better or faster car. Who got the better mods. Who bought the most cars to finally get a GT car. Great story bro. Meanwhile their cars can't even give them CPR when they stop breathing. Is the car THAT important that you're fighting people for its existence? 

I think as a society we have lost touch on how to de-escalate situations appropriately, and of course respecting others' wishes when they say STOP or NO. Instead, people don't get what they want and then complain to others, hoping THEY would solve the situation for them. No. You're an adult. You solve the problem yourself. You got yourself into it, so solve it yourself. COMMUNICATE and be respectable to one another. CHOOSE your words wisely. And most important, stay calm.

Lastly, put your damn ego away. 

Dating Etiquette

Yoooooo this current dating scene is more wild than any lion safari.

Not that I personally know because I've actually been very blessed to be with the same man who loves me for who I am for the past few years. I hear it from friends, read experiences online and yeah, it's crazy out there. I honestly feel bad for those currently looking for partners or those in the next generation. I don't even know where to start. It's probably safer to date a robot? Or date your cat? Car even?

Ok joking aside. But seriously, what happened with all the dating etiquettes? 

Now that women have more independence, they have more say in everything. Men have (generally) been the breadwinner but now it's all about this equality thing. In the old days (uhhh circa 1950's maybe earlier?!), men would be the ones to take initiation, to woo the ladies. To pick up and pay for the ladies. To open doors, to make sure the ladies get home safely. But the ladies would be the stay at home moms, the ones to raise the kids and ensure the house remains clean, and that the husband remains fed.

Nowadays if you mention that, suddenly it all blows up. Why do women have to keep doing that and work a 9-5?? Or work constant nights and then come home to raising a family?! 

Now I've read various opinions and I don't really know if there is a correct answer, but just like everyone else, I will express what I FEEL should be a healthy balance in a relationship, if you want it to last forever. 

Women have come a long way in the fight for their independence, to be recognized equally alongside their male counterparts. To get fair wage, and great benefits, just like their male counterparts. Instead of staying at home all the time raising kids (and this job in itself is a tough one - it's a thankless job raising a herd of kids and one that does not pay unless you count your husband paying you a weekly allowance), women are now going to school, getting their degrees/masters/PHD - I mean heck, even multiple degrees, working corporate jobs etc. Yet they are the ones having to go on maternity leave from 6 months to 18 months, go through a huge physical change, and then be expected to go back to work and perform like you didn't just pop out a baby from your vajayjay. 

So you can imagine that in this current dating scene, women have X amount of demands about a guy. There are women out there who look for men that have much higher education than themselves, or who expect a man to make more than them. Or needs to be 6 feet tall. Or owns a castle. A whole bunch of weird and out of this world demands.

Men? Maybe not as focused as such but it's equally as demanding. Needs to have a job (ok this one is obvious), needs to dress and act like a woman, be a home maker, attentive and willing to raise kids. Prefer a size 4-6, can't be a stick but needs to have some muscle or willingness to work out a bit, long hair preferred and needs to be attractive. Again, it's just weird. Men also have to remember that wanting kids is not the same as wanting a car or some hobby. This is a kid that you're going to raise with your partner for pretty much 2 decades of your life - your next generation and bloodline. You can't just KAPOW and be done with it and let the woman raise the kid alone. It's also YOUR responsibility because it's YOUR kid. It takes two to tango. You want a family? Well, you better split the duties and raise that kid too. 

People have their preferences and that's fine. But some of these demands are just...weird. 

My friend once told me she wanted a tall guy, had to be smarter than her, cute and attractive, a homebody, adventurous you name it. They went on a date and he was all that, except he wore flip flops on the date. They didn't go anywhere fancy, but it icked her because of the flip flops. Because of that, she wouldn't accept a second date. Now that's what I call picky, because you can always ask them to wear proper footwear next time if you plan to go somewhere nice. But to blow off someone because of that? It was just a bit too much. 

Nowadays, I feel like half the couples out there go dutch - woman and man split the cost of the bill. The other half says men should always pay for the first date. Which one is right?

Our society has shifted to the point that I don't know if there is a right answer. They say whoever invited one out, they should be the one to pay the bill. Ok, I can understand that too. If I asked someone out for a date, I would be the one to treat, and vice versa. But respectably, if I got invited out and was asked to split the bill, I would prefer if there was some discussion beforehand before the bill came. And it's one of those icebreaker moments before paying too. At least you can get the sense of what that person is thinking. 

Oh but if you can't afford to pay for both of your meals or drinks, then you shouldn't date. Huh? Do you know how expensive restaurants are these days? I can't imagine as a guy, going on 5 dates per week and PAYING for all those meals, and worst case scenario none of the girls wanted to have a second date with you. That's a lot of money. So I can understand why a lot of dating couples would split a bill at the first meet. I also can see why guys see girls as gold diggers because that's a lot of money to spend on a stranger.

However, my experience is that if you start introducing this splitting bill from the beginning, there's a possibility the partner will continue that behaviour. Yeah, I have met friends who literally still split the bill while married, and it was EXACT change (total bill is $52.16 so I owe my wife $26.08) and I still think this is crazy. But if it works for them, then that's cool. The key is communicating this from the beginning. And at any point if you feel you want to deviate to one paying more over the course of the relationship, you talk it out with your partner. 

I had an ex who was cheap about things. When we went out, he would pay for his meal, and I would pay for mine. This is after being together for a couple of years too. When his parents brought us out for a family meal, they would pay and I would thank them. But soon after, he would ask to pay him back whatever amount and he'd give our portion of the money to his parents. His parents did fine and weren't in poverty, yet I got this sense that he probably didn't want me to take advantage of his family. Strange considering I was making more than him. It's one way to look at it, but another way is well, being el cheapo.

I still think that (genetically), men and women still resort to their gender roles: men still have that sense of a bigger role in a relationship, to be the main breadwinner, to be the protector and guide for their partners while the women still want to be taken care of and spoiled while also having independent work, and getting a hand in taking care of the family home. Women's role has obviously expanded much more than the men, and when they ask for the 'basics' in a man when dating, I don't see how that's demanding.

When women seek men these days, they ask for the bare minimum: to open doors, to pay for meals, to buy flowers (I think this is ok once a relationship has been established but I wouldn't expect flowers from some random dude on a first date), to walk adjacent to the traffic on a sidewalk, these are just some of the things. But you also notice half of those things are expensive (meals, flowers, gifts on a first date). This shouldn't be expected anymore. If a guy does pay for a first date meal and things are going well, then offer to pay for the next meal or go grab desserts and cover that instead.

For men? Don't expect a woman to sleep with you on the first date. Just because you paid for a meal, it doesn't mean it gives you permission or the right to get into their pants. Yes, guys are more visual and physical and they crave it. But a respectable guy would not seek that on a first date. What he seeks is good company, and a woman who has her head on right. 

For both: I believe both need to have strong emotional intelligence. Women are more emotional overall so we excel at this (and maybe a bit psychotic at times), but men? This is something that will have to be learned. Men aren't as emotional - they're more direct with words and actions, more egotistical. But learning to perceive, manage, understand and handle emotions takes time and experience. THIS I believe is what women are looking primarily for in men. I have met dudes who have strong egos, who can't manage emotions very well especially when it comes to my emotions and feelings. When you bring up a subject, it becomes controversial no matter what. 

The dating pool and population is so vast, with so many different opinions, it is no wonder why it's such a mess out there. If there is no 'correct' way in society to date or start a relationship, of course everyone will throw their opinions at each other and initiate fights. Now you have men blaming women for being too dramatic and too much of a gold digger, while women are blaming men for not being respectful, or considerate or (laughs) not being man enough. There's no agreement, but plenty of disagreements. 

My first date with my man? There really wasn't a planned date, but it just sort of happened. I call it the unofficial date because we were still friends. We secretly liked each other yet tried not to make it too obvious.

First off, I had brought my car to the mechanic on a day that he was working. I texted him that I forgot to tell him I would be at the mechanic's, which wasn't too far from him. This was also not the first time I forgot to text him of my visit to the mechanic. He had informed me he was still at work (and he had short shifted from the previous evening) so he hadn't slept very much. Yet he still made the 30-ish minute drive to see me at the shop, when he could've easily gone home to sleep. When he came into the shop, he saw me freezing because the A/C was blasting, and offered me his jacket in the car. At that point I wasn't feeling all giddy and butterflies, but I felt safe with him. I felt so spoiled because he cared so much - he didn't have to, but he did.

Once my car was looked after, he asked if I wanted to grab a bite nearby so of course I said yes. We drove together and parked side by side. While walking to the restaurant, he made sure I walked on the side away from oncoming traffic. He didn't have to put his arm around me to make me feel safe. He opened doors for me and made sure I went in first. He was also very observant to others around us, making sure no one would suddenly jump out in front of me. 

During the meal, we basically tried to catch up on all those years of not talking much, and really tried to get insight into each other more. There was lots of eye contact, laughter, good conversations and overall he made me feel safe. At the end of the date, he covered the bill and refused to split. We walked for a bit then went to our cars, and once again he was very observant around us, made sure I walked on the side with no cars. And when there was a car backing up (yeah I'm looking at you silent EV killers), he noticed it right away and had his arm protected around me to make sure I was at a safe distance from that EV killer. 

Before parting ways, we gave each other a long hug and made sure to see each other again. 

The rest was history. 

For those calling me lucky that I found such a gentleman, it goes both ways. If you have someone who is very compatible with you, you both make it work, and you both bring out the good in each other. He didn't have to spoil me with gifts or meals to win my heart, but I respect the little things that I saw that day that he did for me. Things that you can't buy with money or meals. He brings out the best in me, and I do my best to also make sure I bring out the best in him.

This is what is truly missing in today's dating scene. Yes, we all want to find true love, we want to find the one, but if you focus too much on that, it becomes homework. A chore. Then it gets tedious and demanding. Many times you end up finding the wrong person. 

Sometimes you just got to lay back and let it run its course. Enjoy the journey. Be thankful for the small things. Pray about it, and let God take the lead. 

OAS - the things you don't learn in nursing school

Ok, maybe we did learn it in school, but I wasn't paying attention.

The point is, there were A LOT of things that weren't taught in nursing school. Instead, they use the 4 years to teach us "nursing theory." I cannot for the life of me define what nursing theory is to you. I felt it was a waste of each semester learning useless theories that I never applied to everyday life, but most importantly, the everyday nursing life.

Yes, to all the nursing students out there learning about nursing theory - it is useless. Don't waste too much of your time studying the useless theories. Focus on the pharmacology and pathophysiology aspects of nursing. I wish they emphasized more on the pharmacology though. 

Anyways, going back to my original intention of this post. What is OAS? I mean, the first thing that popped into my head was Old Age Security. That's also very important too as we age. But medically, what is OAS?

OAS is Oral Allergy Syndrome. PFAS is Pollen Fruit Allergy Syndrome (which works alongside OAS).

I swear this is the first time I'm hearing about this terminology and I've been in nursing for how long? Then again, I don't work in ER to find out new things that pop up everyday.

Why OAS? Why PFAS? For those with pollen allergy (such as birch trees, grass, ragweed), you will probably have heard this term thrown around, especially if you react to certain foods or fruits. Now I have pollen allergies and have had it since my teen years. Prior to that, I was fine. I don't ever recall sneezing my head off everyday either indoors or outdoors. Things sort of took a downward turn towards the end of high school when 1) I dyed my hair red 2) the colour ended up on my skin too many times that I kept having to wash it off 3) there is an active ingredient in all hair dyes that people are actually allergic to 4) I believe that's how everything started 5) that's how I got my dermatographism.

Dermatographism is the term used when someone experiences a high release of histamines in the body, resulting in large hives on the skin, but it's mainly from contact - I can draw something on my skin, and after a minute, you can see the drawing appear on my skin as a large hive. Pretty cool, but also annoying when you are changing clothes for a party/wedding, and all those hives just pop up everywhere on your back, shoulders, arms, legs. It eventually goes away. Last time it took about 45 minutes for my hives to settle down. Visually it's not appealing. 

I remember getting allergy test on the arm and that was torture. That's also how I found out my allergies to pollen, grass, ragweed and dust. Thankfully not dogs or cats. But environmentally, it sucked. They prick you with all these proteins, and you have to lay still for at least 15 minutes. It felt like my arm was on fire. To think I have to go through that again...

Which leads me to OAS. 

For many years, my family would sometimes buy baskets of green kiwi or get them as gifts. I hate green kiwis, but I would still eat them. Kiwis are loaded with vitamins - good for your heart, immunity, digestive tract and full of antioxidants. It is a very good fruit. But one thing I hate about it was the fact my mouth would get all tingly and burns from just that one bite of fruit. 

I thought oh, maybe it's not ripe enough. We get that with mangoes and pineapples. You leave them a little bit longer, little more ripe, and boom the sweetness just takes over. Which is why I thought the tingly and burning sensations were normal. I didn't question it, I just kept eating it. 

Kiwi is not something I would eat all the time. I could count on one hand the amount of times I eat kiwi in one year. So yeah, it's not very often. Which is why when we got another basket of green kiwis, I thought no big deal. 

I went to work one day with an avocado, and a green kiwi as a breakfast snack, and packed my usual lunch meal. That morning I hadn't eaten anything, except for some water. By the time I had finished my morning duties, my stomach was growling. Ok, time for a snack.

I have no problems with avocados. They're also loaded with minerals and vitamins, which lowers heart disease, good for skin and eye health and are filled with monounsaturated fats. Sprinkle on a bit of salt and pepper, and boom, you got yourself some flavour. They also fill you up FAST so it helps if you're trying to do some intermittent fasting or if you don't want to stay hungry, eat an avocado. 

Once I had the avocado, I felt full but not super full. Just comfortably full. I didn't give it much thought and went for the green kiwi. I felt the usual tingly and burning on the tongue and at the top of my mouth, ok no big deal. It's just the properties with the kiwi. 

What didn't feel so right was about 5 minutes in, I felt this sharp stomach pain. Something I've never experienced in my life when eating kiwi or any foods. Ummm was this kiwi bad??! I took a look and didn't see any mold or any discolouring. This was a brand new batch of kiwi. The texture felt fine. Perhaps it was because I had it on a near empty stomach? That could be possible since kiwis are highly acidic. 

I felt like throwing up. But nothing would come out. The pain was just intense. I also felt like I was floating on clouds - I was aware of my surroundings but something just felt off in my head. My coworker thought I was going to pass out and asked if I should get help, but I insisted I would be ok, it was probably just a phase. I drank some more water. But no matter what, nothing would take away this pain. It was a mix of bloating and sharp intense pain. Sitting, standing, walking, it was all the same. The tingly sensation on my tongue also remained. In total, this pain and tingly sensation lasted about 1-2 hours, until finally it started to slowly dissipate. 

Damn. That was weird. Aside from the coworker, I didn't report it to anyone else. I just thought ok, maybe it's just a fluke.

Fast forward another 1-2 weeks.

I brought another green kiwi to work, along with my usual lunch meal. You must all think I'm crazy for doing this a second time. But I figured maybe it's because my stomach was nearly empty when I ate it the first time. I didn't think anything would happen a second time.

After I had my lunch meal, it's a habit of mine to go straight into fruits, whether that's grapes, cherries, mangoes you name it. I have never had any reactions. Maybe except feeling too full and you get that uncomfortable feeling of eating too much. Eventually that goes away. Aside from that, nothing like that experience above. This time, I brought my one green kiwi. 

Now that my stomach was full with a meal, it shouldn't be a problem eating one kiwi. So I dig in. And again, within 5 minutes, I start feeling that same stomach pain weeks prior. The same nausea and bloating. The same mouth tingly and burning. Wanting to vomit but couldn't. Couldn't concentrate for the next 2 hours until the pain finally subsided. 

Ok, now this is a pattern. STOP EATING GREEN KIWIS.

Soon after, I went on a Google rampage to find out if I think this is what it is. And man, I learned a lot. 

For those with existing pollen allergies, your body has recognized and pinpointed those certain pollen proteins to release specific IgE antibodies which attach to immune cells, and upon contact with the proteins, they would release massive amounts of histamines. Fruits also have their own proteins. HOWEVER, certain fruits contain proteins that are very similar to the structure of pollen proteins, and the body gets confused and thinks it's pollen. So it releases a bunch of histamines to attack. 

For many people, eating kiwis or pineapples, or oranges, you get this sensation in the mouth that is tingly and annoying, and sometimes painful. That's because each of these fruits contain certain active proteins that aggravate and break down the surface of our mouths. Our tongues are sensitive, so such proteins can irritate the skin of our tongues. This is why some people experience tingly or numbness in the mouth, but for some, it could progress to continued irritation, swelling of the lips/tongue/mouth, and potentially rashes and hives. This is OAS. 

Once you experience the above, you really shouldn't continue eating those certain foods. We are taught that if you start experiencing anything minor such as tingly in the mouth after eating certain foods or break out into hives/rashes, you should stop. The more exposure you have to those foods, the more it primes your body to react systemically, which could lead to anaphylaxis.

I've also learned that if you're allergic or have sensitivity to latex, they have something called Latex Fruit Syndrome. WHAT? It's pretty much like a cross reactivity, except this time it's regarding the latex rubber proteins. 

In the past when working various units, they used latex gloves, some of them were powdered. I don't see them as much anymore but when we did use latex gloves, my hands would break out into rashes, especially with the powdered ones. I was lucky to find boxes of Nitrile gloves, which are more expensive but they also felt better and I didn't break out in them. Since then, I avoided latex like the plague.

Avocados share very similar properties to latex. It's a possibility that although I didn't react to avocados, the proteins in avocados primed my system that time I ate it on an empty stomach. Green kiwis also share very similar properties to latex. So when I ate the green kiwi, my body basically fired off to attack this protein. 

With latex fruit syndrome, the body can also confuse kiwi with rubber latex. I know, it's strange right? This syndrome is highly associated with systemic or abdominal reactions versus just only oral reactions (OAS). 

Lastly, green kiwi contain 13 different protein variant allergens, one of which is a very specific heat stable protein and an enzyme called actinidin. There is a specific blood work that breaks down all the proteins in kiwi, and if your antibodies react to them, it means a true food allergy. 

I've also read that gold kiwi is actually much better. They're more expensive, but they also don't contain as much actinidin as green kiwis. There's a study which showed half of those allergic to green kiwis don't have reactions to gold kiwi. I have also eaten gold kiwi, which I don't get the same mouth tingly or stomach pain as green kiwis. Given the uncertainty though, I stopped eating both for now.

So where do I stand regarding the above? I have no idea yet. I'll be seeing an allergist soon to determine the severity of this potential allergy. 

If an allergy has progressed from one place (the mouth) to another (gastrointestinal), that's not a good thing, even in the absence of hives/rashes. When allergies go from one place to another, the body is now 'primed' and with the next potential exposure, it could lead to more systemic responses. I gave it some thought whether or not I should try it a third time since I'm in the hospital but I decided against it since it would be stupid of me to use the ER and waste resources if something bad did happen. Given the degradation of our ER departments, I'll probably have a higher chance of dying there. I have basically primed my body to the proteins of green kiwi, so the next ingestion I do, the body will release histamines everywhere and I can't guarantee if that's going to affect my airway or not. And I rather not find out without an Epi-Pen beside me. 

It is also possible that it could take years for the body to build up antibodies against certain foods or fruits, which can go from very minor symptoms to mild and serious ones. The longer you wait in between eating certain foods, it gives the body time to 'reset' itself and 're-prime' for the next exposure.

It sucks because my favourite cake is that Chinese fruit cake from T&T. And of course they have kiwis on it. Unless I tell them to remove it, but for now, I just have to stay away from any kiwi until this allergy test is done and I get the final conclusion to this lovely mystery. 

For those who have pollen or latex allergies, this is just something to keep in mind. It doesn't guarantee that you WILL react to any/every fruit out there. But if you wonder why you get tingly while eating certain fruits, it's a possibility that your body is mistaking fruit proteins for pollen proteins. This is considered OAS. There's a risk that the more exposure you have to those certain food/fruit proteins, it could escalate to something more systemic. And once the symptoms reach 2 or more systems, that would be considered anaphylaxis.

I'm no expert at this, as I'm still learning this journey, but please consult your physician or allergist for professional feedback if you are experiencing any potential food allergies.