It's February!

What in the world. It's February already?! Where did the time go?! We can never have enough hours in a day.

It's also my birthday week. I've been keeping myself busy with work (yay for time and a half on working on my birthday!), as well as partying it up with friends on my days off. I think I have about 4-5 dinners/hangouts planned for this week alone. Not bad for turning 3 decades old. Another 20 years till menopause. So I can hardly wait!

First celebration I went to RaceSim 1, located just west of downtown Toronto (on behalf of www.pinnacledriving.com). There are 5 stations where 5 people can race simultaneously and kick each other's butts. The first time you get to do practice laps. Let's just say maybe I was wearing the wrong type of shoes to drive, but I really couldn't brake properly. Oops #1.

Second time we got to race was like a qualifying lap. Again, I was slowly improving but not really. This was the lap where I drove straight into the rest of the racers at a tight corner that everyone was trying to master. I destroyed their dreams by plowing into their asses. The replay was hilarious. You can probably see it somewhere on IG.

Third time it was the race. We had 5 teams, with 2 drivers per team. In between, you have to stop in the pits to switch drivers and they continue the race. So on and so forth. That was the craziest lap. 

Our team didn't win but that's ok. It was all fun and games anyways! Overall it was a cool experience, to drive virtual cars around the track.

The following day I had a gathering at Joey's, where I got caked in the face by a friend as revenge for what I did to him years ago at his birthday. Yes, years ago we had a group of people cake his face, as well as spray sticky webs on him. Pretty fun times. But he never forgot. And of course I was not expecting that at my birthday dinner until I got cake all over my face!

The next few ones are not due yet but will be in the upcoming week. Pretty excited with Winterlicious happening as well!

Alright the next topic is not Trump related (I'm sick and tired of reading all the protests and Trump stuff hitting the news lately) and it's not a topic I like talking about, because it creates so much stupid drama. But here I'll talk about it.

I will talk about it freely, and I don't really care what people think, but it's first hand experience.

Northface Rally. If you're a car fanatic, you've probably heard of this team of cars, based in Toronto, and have a huge following. It's a car club where all the nice, exotic cars go on cruises, photoshoots, you name it.

On the outside, it all looks cool and flashy. But wait till you get to meet the people. It will blow your mind away.

First off, they're not very educated. But yet how do they make money to buy nice cars? Take the easy way. Insurance scams of course. Illegal money. Now I'm not saying ALL of the members are like that. But you just have to be careful of who you meet and what they tell you. To them it's all about the status and flashiness. They have to have the most followers, the most people contributing to toy drives or food banks. The ones that involve the police to "escort" them to their next party.

And so what? You gain popularity and then what? You still got no class.

There was an issue with one guy who owns a GTR but never comes out to the GTR meets. Instead he goes to the NFR meets. Long story short but he had won a mini photo contest and was promised to have delivery of a 1:18 die cast model car as a prize. The host had forgotten at one point, and so this member decided to make a public post about said host being a scammer and not following up on the delivery. Then left the group. He never attempted to reach out to the host privately before beginning a public rant.

Host tried to call him, text him, message him to see when the next available time he can personally deliver the car. But too bad, member was "too busy". Yet to this day he still butchers host about the forgotten die-cast, and continues to post public rants about him. The die-cast was donated to someone who can appreciate it.

Ok seriously. You buy a $100,000 car and you start bitching and whining over a $15 die cast car? What a cheap ass. Grow the hell up. This is why the image of NFR is sh*t because of people like him. This is why the car community is sh*t because of people like him. Because they bitch and whine over stupid sh*t. CRY ME A RIVER SHEESH.

Another issue was having members let go from the club, because they don't own said vehicle anymore, nor do they come out to meets, nor do they have anything positive to contribute to the group. So when they find out they're no longer part of the club, what do they do? Of course, they start posting in public about WAH WAH WAH they got kicked out of the group for "no reason". The reasons are listed above idiot. Learn to read.

The ladies who worship groups like NFR are idiots as well. All they care about is their own images in the world of "modelling" (I call that because it seems like every girl in the world wants to be a model these days. Easy money? Really?). I still love cars, but it's not worth my effort to try and meet these people to see the cars. I can watch it on Youtube and satisfy my hunger.

All in all, these exotic rally groups are just a bunch of whiners. They whine about everything. You own a 100K + car and you still bitch and whine about the stupidest things. Grow the f*ck up. Maybe that's why you'll never find a girlfriend or wife. Some girls actually have class and know who is a gentleman and who's an asshole. Unfortunately most of those fall under the asshole category. Stay away.

Back to real world issues now.

On Sunday, a gunman entered a Quebec City mosque and killed 6 people, with 19 others injured. The gunman is a 27 year old student at Laval University, who is not a Muslim. The reason for the attack remains unclear, although the gunman was labeled as antisocial, as well as having a "passion" for guns.

This comes shortly after Trump's infamous banning of immigrants into USA from Muslim-populated states like Iran, Syria, Iraq, Yemen, Libya, Somalia and Sudan. Shortly after hearing the shootings at the mosque, the press released a statement saying this is the very reason why they needed to have this ban.

Ok wait. First of all, the gunman was NOT Muslim. So how does this help the situation of banning immigrants? It doesn't make any sense. They saw it as Muslims attacking other people. But it was the complete opposite.

I have a feeling the gunman was influenced by the politics in the USA, and having seen that "ban" on Muslims, that it was time to "eliminate" them or that's what he probably believed.

For them to make a national statement like that, using Quebec City as an example of what they're trying to set in the USA, is absurd. Probably the stupidest thing I've heard, aside from the NFR issue above. They are on the same boat of idiocy.

Then I read about this boycotting Uber thing. I had no idea why people were deleting their Uber accounts because I couldn't care less, plus I don't use Uber because I don't like the idea of storing my Visa number on an app/phone that could get stolen any minute. But the issue was, when people found out about the immigration ban, they decided to stage a protest at JFK airport. Now you can imagine all the traffic and what not outside. The city taxis decided to halt service for an hour to stage their protest as well in regards to the ban, because a large amount of them are also immigrants and do not agree with this ban.

Uber on the other hand, decided to drop surge pricing during that time to allow travellers to and from the airport. People saw that as disrespectful, and also a way of "making more cash" or taking advantage of people. People think Uber should've also stopped service and protested as well. So now people are using some hash tag to delete Uber from mobile devices because Uber was disrespectful. People are taking screenshots of their phones and posting it on social media to show they are deleting the Uber app.

PLEASE. CRY ME A DAMN RIVER. REALLY?

I'm sorry but if I had a long ass flight coming back home, I want to go home. I don't want to stay and protest. So you're telling me those people who don't want to protest, can't go home? I'm going to be the selfish asshole now and say screw you all. I'll call a damn Uber if I have to. I'll call whoever I can if I have to somehow get home from a long day.

These days people just protest over whatever they can protest about. I should protest the absurd pricing of Chanel bags because come on, IT'S IDIOTIC! I should protest too about the city waters because it's making my hair go white too early. PROTEST! Or maybe how everything is just so damn expensive these day! PROTEST! Or how come there are so many stupid people around me. PROTEST! BETTER EDUCATION AND MANNERS!

There are some things that are worth protesting about. But there are some that you just...smack your head and wonder what people are thinking sometimes. You just sit and stare at them in awe, like are we part of the same species? Really?

I used to be angry about workplace issues but the nation's attitude and the amount of protesting these days just drive me absolutely nuts and more angry. Did you see the protests shortly after Trump's inauguration? People were destroying public properties and stores. I don't get how that is solving the problem.  If people decide to damage their own country, you'll still be paying the damages via taxes. You'll still be damaging YOUR country/state's image. And people will have no sympathy for you.

There is just too much stupid these days. Might as well raise the next generations as stupids. Before they had Baby Boomers and Generation X/Y. Now it's Generation Stupid.

Awkward

Has anyone had family friends or friends of friends who try to set you up on blind dates, even when you're already taken? Yup. It has happened. And it's just awkward.

I've developed into the type of person who doesn't like to share my "relationship journey" (or whatever they call it these days) on social media. I feel that it's my personal relationship with someone, so why do I need to share it to everyone in the entire world? My happiness is my happiness. I'll put bits here and there because I like a picture, or I think it's adorable but I definitely won't flood the newsfeed with what we ate, which washroom we're using or our vacation pictures. 

Same with the workplace. I won't voluntarily share information unless someone asked (and even then, it depends on the question being asked). I'm not the type of person that will announce to the entire team or clients about my relationship life.

Which brings me to an awkward topic. I've had situations where people would try to set me up with someone they know, and I'm clearly in a relationship with someone else, because I don't talk about my personal life with people. So people have absolutely no idea. And then it makes it awkward.

One incident I remember: A co-worker really wanted to set me up with her son, saying he's a paramedic and good looking etc etc. She had no idea I was already in a relationship, so I told her it's ok, I'm already seeing someone. She gave this look as in "awwww". And I thought that was that.

Then I get invited to her holiday potluck with the rest of the coworkers. I went with my girl friend and we were having fun until that same coworker grabs me and says, COME MEET MY SON! 

Uh. Yikes. Awkward.

I guess she forgot? Or maybe she didn't understand what "I'm already in a relationship" meant. Maybe that's why there are so many cheaters in this world. One party says I'm married. The other just says ok great. So leave them. They don't care about anything else except themselves. Pisses me off.

Anyways back to my story.

There was another group of younger people there, which I assume are the son's friends. So at least it wouldn't be completely awkward. But feeling that I got split up from my girl friend was already tensing me up.

The son and his friends were cool. My conversation with the son was pretty short though. I don't remember his name. My attention turned towards another girl in the group because she drove the same car as I did. I ended up having the longest conversation with her instead and we talked about car mods, and what mods I have in mine, along with what mods she wanted. We were just so excited to talk about cars that we forgot about the party!

Nothing happened out of that event. Aside from the coworker asking how I thought of the party and of her son. And that's when I had to remind her again that I was taken. And then she's like OHHHHHHH well, that's too bad! I really like you and want you to be my daughter!

I'm flattered O_O

She's a lovely lady though. God Bless her soul. I hope for the best for her son and a potential wife material! From that day forward, she stopped bugging me about having me as her future daughter.

Which brings me to one of the latest encounters with a client.

I won't go into details but I had helped this client medically to get her better, and because of that, she was forever grateful and always thanked me whenever she saw me. This time around, we had a long conversation about treatments and how it would improve her overall health. It led to her asking if I was still single.

I said single as in not married yes. But I am seeing someone. And that's when she said, darn it. If you didn't, I actually have someone in mind for you!

And of course she went on and on about who this person was and what he did, where he was from, how many languages he spoke. Listing out everything. It's always awkward to have conversations like these, because I have to be professional about it as well. I can't make ugly faces or accept all the offers. 

In the end, she never bothered me about it again. But it's kind of weird how people are introducing people to me. My other younger colleagues don't get that much dating attention, but that's probably because they're already married, or seeing someone. I guess people just think all I do is work and have no social life (which is partially true). 

In Asian culture, if a woman is 25 or above, she's considered too old to be married. They're like the left overs, or those that men don't want anymore because something's wrong with them. It's a stupid misconception and a stupid mentality to follow because it's definitely not true. These days women work just as much as men do. It takes them much more steps to get to the same higher positions as men because of their gender. 

Now that my gap is closing to 30 pretty quick, I can say that most of my years I've focused on making my career, and building steps to move upwards. That takes time, a lot of energy, a lot of concentration and a lot of sacrifice. Although I have old school parents, I was raised to work hard, build a future for myself because I shouldn't depend on a man to do that for me. In old school days, wives had to depend on husbands for everything because they were always at home, raising kids. These days, women do both: raise kids and work.

My mind is way too focused on building my career that I can't depend on anyone else to do that for me, except myself. I can't rely on my partner or husband to do that for me, or my parents, or friends. I have myself, and I have God (if this is the right path and God-willing). Is there something wrong with me? Absolutely not. This is why I refuse to accept the Asian mentality of why 30 year old women are not married. If women between 25-35 are not married yet, take into consideration that they are probably working their asses off to build a future because they can't rely on a man to do it for them. 

An Asian coworker once pestered me how come I wasn't married with kids yet. This was when I just turned 26. I said, why should I rush? I'm still young. And of course she said when she was my age, she was already married with 2 kids. I said great, that was then. But this is now. She of course went on about having kids early because it's better. The risk is greater when you have kids later. Blah blah.

I did mention I wasn't into kids so it wasn't at the top of my priority list to bust out babies by 30. Since the age of marriage has been increased to well past 30, having kids later in life is way normal nowadays. Am I worried? Nope. Who knows. Maybe by the time I change my mind, they could grow babies at home in a tube, so I wouldn't have to worry about carrying one in my stomach. Awesome.

There was another time, someone had tried to introduce me to their grandson. This was back in the day when I was still single. I kindly rejected his offer but he was so insistent that he CALLED his grandson on the phone right in front of me. Then he went on and on about how he had this pretty girl that he wanted him to talk to. THEN HE HANDS ME THE PHONE.

Great. Now what do I do. Thankfully the grandson knew of his grandpa's antics and apologized for his actions. I said what do we do? Don't want to disappoint him either. So we agreed to meet up for a quick coffee, just so he could tell his grandpa he met up with me.

We kept the coffee date short, but we knew it wasn't meant to be. But at least it gave the grandpa reassurance. I lost touch with the grandson, but I eventually was told he found a great girl and married her. The grandpa was too sick to attend the wedding, and soon after, he passed away. God bless his soul. 

There isn't really a "right" way of dealing with awkward situations like these; I guess a bit of humor helps too. But I always thank them in the end for thinking about me. I must've had some impact in their lives for that to happen XD. 

Happy Chinese New Year!

GONG HAY FAT CHOY!

GONG SEE FA CHAI!

We are approaching Chinese New Year 2017, the year of the Rooster (or was it the Chicken). Anyways, it's always exciting to look forward to CNY because of red pocket. For those who don't know, red pockets are given by married couples to their children (or unmarried relatives) as tradition for prosperity and luck etc. I call it Happy Money Day!

Although I don't get as much now, I'm still grateful that my folks are still able to give me red pockets on a yearly basis. The older I get, the more I realize it's really hard to make and save money. A lot of times I say it's ok, don't give me anything. But if they don't, then they feel that they aren't sticking to the tradition that they were raised with.

I remember as a kid, when I got red pocket from my parents, I went upstairs and poured out my piggy bank, and started packing a couple of red pockets for mom and dad. It was a lot of change, and heavy. When I tried to give it to them, they wouldn't accept. Because they said "you are our child my dear, no need to give us money!" I think I was about 5 or 6. I didn't know any better. I just thought if they gave me something, then I give them back something in return.

I'm thankful I ended up taking the weekend off. It's been a crazy few weeks working 70 hour work weeks; my body is just exhausted. I planned ahead that this would be my CNY and birthday bash weekend. However, because I was so busy with work, there wasn't enough time to plan my birthday bash. So I will work with last minute adjustments to make it happen!

Which brings me to the big 3-0. This is the last week that I'll be enjoying my 20's before I welcome the 30 into my life. And when I look back at my life, I don't know whether to be disappointed or happy or what.

As a kid, 30 seemed so old. I would've predicted I'd be married with kids by 30. Actually, when I was 11, I predicted I would be married by 20, then have 5 kids. What the hell was I thinking. About a year later, I then decided I didn't want any kids. This was after volunteering with kindergarten kids for the year. The ones I worked with already knew all the bad words in the dictionary. I was baffled. 5 years old and they were already swearing.

Some were cute yeah. But it was just way too much work to babysit them. Imagine having to do that 24/7 for the first 18 years of someone's life. It scares me. I'm not sure if I'm blessed with the motherly instinct because I feel I can be selfish at times, and I don't like sharing, with kids in particular.

I can't imagine myself with little ones. If I do, I'd slap them around for being bad. I have the same attitude as my brother. When he wasn't married, he never wanted any kids. He thought they were too much work, too expensive, too annoying, too messy and crazy. He just didn't want to deal with it.

Of course after he got married, he ended up having 4 beautiful girls.

Things can change. Which I hope my mind will change in the next few years, now that I'm entering the 30's. But it hasn't really changed since elementary school. So I'm not sure. Maybe I'm one of those people who will never have kids. Or maybe I'll have one or two. Or 10. I don't know.

The thought of childbirth scares the crap out of me. The pain. I already get painful cramps every month and to think of a human coming out of me? Yeah, it scares the SHIET out of me. How the heck am I going to handle that when I can barely handle period cramps? Yeah ok, they say you can get an epidural before you give birth. But they can't numb you until you really can't feel anything. You still have to push, and you still have to feel a bit.

I would totally go for a C-section, except they don't allow that unless there is a legit reason (i.e small hips, baby is breached, hip replacement). C-section is not an option when it comes to birth if you're relatively healthy with no problems. So in conclusion, I'm screwed. Might as well knock me out with Propofol and have someone sit on my stomach to push the baby out.

Alright, enough of the what ifs. To focus on the present, I have been working a lot to build my future: my leadership abilities. The leadership program is the next step in climbing the ladder, and recently we were selected to be in groups with a topic to focus on. There is going to be a lot of research into what we can do to improve hospital systems and the way communication and charting is delivered. At least that's the topic that I'll be dealing with.

This will be a very interesting journey because whatever we come up with, it will also help the hospital implement this system. It's a bit scary too, but this is where all the research and fun begins. This helps to bring out the star in all of us.

This year will be another new development into our program as well. It's a matter of baby steps to keep climbing upwards and not look back. I guess this is also why the whole family thing is out of the picture for me because I'm so focused on career that I will have no time to think about babies. My goal now is to help change the system and to make it better. Not stay home and feed babies.

With 30 coming up, the topic of success also comes to mind. I was recently talking to a girl friend of mine about the next decade of life. And what she said is also true: people may think that once you get married and get a house, that's success. But what people don't know is the struggles to maintain the new responsibilities now, as a new couple, as a new family. Everything goes towards payments, mortgage, bills, food, maintenance. And with how low salaries are these days, how do people even cope with juggling all those?

So many people think by 30, you can pay off a house and have a family and all that jazz. Is that success? In her words, once you reach that, it's like that's it? That's life? Well that's pretty sh*tty.

She loves purses as much as I do. We talked about it and usually I try not to talk about it unless the other party is open to talk about it. I know people who are not as fortunate, and will not talk about luxury designer goods in front of them. But she mentioned one thing: She's always wanted a designer good, but with all these payments, it's almost impossible to get it now.

I said that's understandable. I'm not in the same boat as her so I sort of created my own route to doing what I do, plus working 2 jobs also helps to pay bills faster. But it involves no social life, and no family life. Either way you choose, you end up sacrificing something. It's all about what you sacrifice and dealing with it.

My way of thinking is: if you can get designer items now, might as well get them while you can. Once mortgage and kids come along, I can kiss those items goodbye. I know I will never be able to afford them as much as I can now. So I figured I will get them now while I can. Those who married early and bought a house at an early age have way more responsibilities now. I get it. I don't think either way is wrong. It's whatever makes the person comfortable, and whatever their goals are.

As I look back and wonder what my goals were before 30, I believe work/career was at the top of the list. To have a good career and also develop leadership roles.

I do remember trying to figure out what I wanted for my 30th birthday years ago. It was either going to be a Chanel classic flap bag, or a 1:8 Lamborghini Murcielago or Aventador die-cast model. Both of these items range in the 7-8k gap. I told my bestie years ago, and she said I was nuts to put down 8k for a metal car that would just sit there and collect dust. But...it's so pretty! But still, such a waste! Might as well put that as a downpayment towards a house or a car. True girl, true.

Now in the present day, I can say I fulfilled my goal: I ended up getting the Chanel emoji classic flap. It may not be caviar or lambskin leather, but it's still a Chanel classic flap. And it was much less than 7k! So I fulfilled my goal already.

Mentally, I'm still a bit of a mess. The thought of leaving my 20's without M here still hurts me. I'm not crying as much these days, but that's probably because I try to not think about it so much. I believe I exert a lot more anger these days, at anything and anyone. I used to be much patient but after all that happened, as well as getting screwed over by people, I have become an angry person.

I try to calm myself down at times, but there are times the rage just gets out of control. Then I keep reminding myself I need to cool down. Think of handbags. Think of how fortunate I am. How so many other people struggle with little things everyday. I have to try and be a good role model to others. And then I calm down and feel better.

It's strange, but I guess that's my way of coping. However, there is no doubt that I have a lot of anger these days. It's way worse when it's all bottled in, and something sets me off, then I blow up. I try to not let that happen because it's a pain trying to deal with me. I only unleash it on people who I don't really care about.

Spiritually, I need a lot of help. I saw a reminder on Facebook that Urbana 2006 was 10-11 years ago. 10 years!!! I can't believe it. Back then I wanted to continue developing my faith in Christ, and I felt that I needed a lot of work. Urbana really helped to shape my faith and I got to meet friends from all over the world. It was an eye opening experience. If I were to look back at the past 10 years of faith building, I can easily say the past 5 years was tough. But especially the past 3 years. I feel like the flame died inside me and it's waiting to be ignited again.

My mind is telling me that I need to start building myself again. I know what I need to do. But it's the lack of motivation that kills me. I know I need to do it but I can't even pick up a book anymore. I used to play worship songs to relax myself and prepped my mind to do lots of readings but these days I rarely touch the piano. Maybe I'm too tired from all the work that I just come home and have the need to pass out. Then again, instead of blogging, I could replace that with reading too.

In the end, it's the laziness that will kill us all. Lack of this and that, coming up with excuses. That's the word. Excuses. I really have to start aiming at not having excuses and just do what I need to do.

What should I am for, with this new decade? I don't even know where to begin. There's so much that if I listed them out, it would take forever to fulfill. All I know is, I just have to take it easy. There's so much stress lately, it's slowly killing me. My mind is all about work. I have turned into a work machine, and that isn't healthy.

I need to calm down and take it easy.

Random

Greetings all.

It's been a while since my last post. Been busy working like a dog with no life, so to speak. A lot of things have happened since. It's hard to figure out where to begin!

The shooting at Ft Lauderdale came to a shock to the world. What kind of person would do such a thing?

Then the two words flashed into every headline in the world: mental illness.

It's sad and scary how a person can just open fire into the baggage claim area of the airport, with no security around. The airport is a popular one, with many travellers heading there to take part in cruises. I have been there before, but I vaguely remember the baggage claim area since I never check in my luggage. Because I'm too cheap to pay for checked in luggage.

I do remember Orlando's international airport. There is the area where you pick up baggage, and then head towards the exit where all the taxis and car rental places are. That area is also open as well to anyone who can just park on the side of the road and walk in. It's not heavily guarded. Same with LAX. I remember walking through the baggage claim area, and the exit to go outside was just there. Anyone who was outside waiting can just walk into the baggage claim area. I don't recall seeing any security either.

Toronto's international airport is a bit different. Once you claim your baggage, you still have to pass through security before you head outside to meet your loved ones or catch a taxi. There is also frosted glass to prevent outsiders from looking inside, and there is always someone there watching the doors so no one can just walk in.

I don't know if it's just poor architecture design, or just poor security/flaws. Maybe it's different in the USA versus Canada and elsewhere. Considering all the shootings that are happening in the States, they might as well bring in an army team to guard each airport.

It is sad that this event had to happen. It is unfortunate that it had to take someone suffering from PTSD to act out, and claim innocent lives before the nation realizes that there is a security flaw in airports. It is very sad.

The suspect is a 26 year old who already has a family of his own, and who has gone to serve the country in Iraq. He has been through and seen friends being injured or killed in the line of duty. Looking at his history, he started at a very young age (when I calculate), about 18-19 years old when he started serving for the military. It was after seeing a bomb being detonated near 2 friends that his life changed forever.

When he sought counselling for PTSD, the military had helped to some extent. However, once he was discharged from the military, he was pretty much on his own. His family tried to help him seek counselling for his illness. He even sought help from the FBI. Yet no one was able to help him.

Eventually, something in his mind triggered him to do this act. Part of it is like he just gave up trying and wanted attention. But part of it is because he really does have this debilitating illness that he can't get rid of. There was no out for him.

People who work everyday here in the city won't be experiencing what this young man went through. They won't be seeing their loved ones going into combat, seeing their friends get bombed away, or watching them die right in front of them. Not like what he went through, or what other soldiers had to go through. To experience it first hand, I can imagine it being very traumatic.

I'm not saying to blame the illness, or blame the military for not helping. Mental illness treatment is a huge issue across the nation. People have no idea how to deal with someone going through mental illness. The fastest way to subdue them is give them sleeping pills or shock them until they hit the ground. Then once they are restrained, that's when they start to try and fix the problem. But they don't. Fixing problems by subduing patients does not FIX the problem. It only puts a bandaid on top of the problem, but there is still no solution!

It has become a national crisis when it comes to dealing with mental illness. Emergency departments are dealing with violent encounters with those suffering from mental illness, resulting in high rates of hospitalizations. But are the symptoms treated? Not really. Medications can help temporarily, but if the patient is discharged home, how do you guarantee that they will take their medications as directed, in order to keep them sane? You can't just give them a script, say goodbye and wish them all the best.

What they need is the support. The support that someone will be looking out for them to make sure they do what they are directed to do, to point them in the right direction. To keep encouraging them that they are doing good, that you'll be there for them. To remind them that it's important to take medications to help them (to deal with the imbalances). I don't really believe medications are the only way to "fix" the problem. To me, medications are merely just a bandaid. Some can fix the problem, but there is always an underlying issue that still needs to be fixed that medications can't fix. Medications will always have side effects.

What's the solution? More support. But with more support comes more funding. The country can put all the money into mental illness as a whole, but if they don't put funding in the proper areas which doesn't fix the underlying issues, then of course it's just going to be a waste.

This young man needs proper treatment to help him heal after what he's been through. A life sentence or death penalty will not cure his problem. He needs support and help to fight off these negative thoughts. Of course it won't bring back those he slaughtered. And again, it's unfortunate that they had to die in the hands of him, not knowing what was happening. But to punish him in front of the nation by putting him away in jail or giving him the death penalty is not going to paint a positive picture in the mental illness community. What they are doing is relating mental illness to crimes, and that if you lose "control" of your mental illness and commit a crime, then you'll end up in jail. That's your punishment for having a mental illness.

If we are to help those suffering, we need to fix the cracks in the system/infrastructure. Many fall through the system and then end up suffering because of it.

Rest in peace to those who died. Our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone involved.

In other updates, I had to return my Charlotte Olympia kitty flats. Not because there was something wrong with it, but because I had to pay my car bill XD. They were also maybe half a size too small. Hopefully one day I'll be able to get them again. It definitely isn't something I need at this point (or ever), but it would be nice to have one day again.

Speaking of which, Yorkdale's new underground parking garage (near Nordstrom) is HUGE! Got lost completely. I kept driving in circles, trying to find where to park. It's free, so no need to pay for parking to shop. It's a good idea to remember where you parked, because it's a bit confusing, and there are various entry and exit points into the garage. Unfortunately they ran out of those cards that help you find your car if you ever get lost. Thankfully I found a spot close to the elevators so there was not too much memorizing to do.

I went inside and saw a HUGE line up outside of Canada Goose store. It wrapped around the store. I don't get the hype that goes on with Canada Goose. Was there a sale? Nah, those things never go on sale. So I have no clue why the line up was so big. Every time I see someone wear a Canada Goose jacket, I always think of that one time I went clubbing with my girlfriends. And there was this white dude wearing a Canada Goose jacket INSIDE THE CLUB. It was November so it was cold but not super cold.

This guy was just dancing on the platform above us, in his Canada Goose jacket. We were right below, and I felt this hand on my head. I turned around and it was the CG guy trying to get my attention. WEIRD. Who the hell tries to pat a girl's head in a club wearing a CG jacket?! To get her attention? LOL it was so awkward but the funniest thing I've ever encountered at a club. I still laugh about it many years later. Props to CG guy wearing his winter jacket in a humid club.

Speaking of clubs, I haven't been to a club in ages. I feel sort of old for those type of things nowadays. The blasting music will probably make me go deaf very fast. The alcohol will make me pass out within 2 minutes. My heels will kill my feet (along with the other random people stepping on you). But the people. Gosh. Never know who you deal with in a club. People can be obnoxious, or just plain scary.

My sis in law got me an adult colouring book lately. Now that's pretty cool. Never knew they had an adult colouring book. It's suppose to help when you're stressed or just need a break from everyday stressors. Colouring apparently helps. So that's what I've been trying to do when I'm stressed and need time for myself. I colour. It's been slowly helping with my random breakdowns here and there. I guess it's somewhat improving, as long as I don't think about the past, or have arguments with people. I find when I have less of that, my symptoms decrease slightly.

In other exciting news, I think I've found the perfect bag for mama. It's by Fendi, and since she's never owned such a bag before, I figured it would be the perfect gift for her birthday, or mother's day. I haven't yet decided which. But I've been doing research to find out more information, and I believe she would like the style. She knows of Prada, but doesn't like their styles. Same with Chanel, and Louis Vuitton. Hopefully Fendi will break her into the world of designer handbags!

Alright my brain is turning into mush. Will be back soon!

Happy New Year!

I am a few days late but Happy New Year all!

It has been hectic these past few weeks. I did not realize I ended up working pretty much everyday except Christmas Day and New Year's Day. Otherwise it's just working like a dog.

I came home just before the countdown, and this is the weird thing. I couldn't find one proper channel that broadcasted Toronto's fireworks. Except CP24. With their dinky little corner screen. There was no full screen! Come on, really?! Can't even broadcast your own city's New Year's Eve event on FULL SCREEN TV. LAME SAUCE MAN!

The ones where I kept landing on was the broadcast from New York City. And Buffalo. Of all places.

But hey, it was better than Toronto?!

I had turned on the TV just as Mariah Carey was hitting the stage. I told my folks, that's the lady that sings very high! So of course mom gets excited and wants to record her to send to her brother halfway across the world.

It started off well, but then I noticed something. Her lips were not really matching the song. I was disappointed. Someone as talented as Mariah Carey lip syncing?! At the most anticipated event on NYE?! 

Then things started to get worse. Emotions came on, with no vocals. And she was just blabbering away. I was so confused. Then realized oh damn. Something's wrong. That was the most painful 2 minutes or so to be broadcasted with millions of viewers watching. Awkward to the point that I felt bad for her.

Then We Belong Together came on and once again, she lip synced. Except near the end she just completely gave up lip syncing. Then walked off stage at one point. 

Now it's been told that there was a technical glitch. That the techs did not turn on the earpiece or vocals and so she had no idea when her cue was to sing. Considering how loud and how close the speakers were to her, it makes sense for singers to be equipped with ear pieces to prevent them from going completely deaf, but also to allow them to hear the vocals more closely so they know when to sing.

Was it awkward? Totally. I felt bad for her. 

Then I started searching her songs in the past. When she sang live in the early 1990's, at her prime. I didn't really see ear pieces in her earlier performances (unless I'm completely blind), but that woman could improv anything, without the latest technologies we have these days. She could pull off performances after performances. 

I'm not sure what happened nowadays. But I guess it's almost like you've passed your prime, and you just want to retire now. In a way, you just stop giving a damn I guess.

Anyways, that was a weird NYE.

Anxiety?

How many of you experience anxiety? I would think pretty much all of us have had an episode of anxiety at least once in our lives.

It is normal for us to react when life throws us curve balls (for example, trying to study for that test that you need to pass in order to get your license). Man, it can be nerve-wrecking!

But what happens if anxiety is here, everyday in our life, and there is nothing you can do to stop it?

I've been trying to do some reading to see what category I fall under. Call me the Google Doctor because, hey, we've all done that once in our lives too. Self-diagnoses.

I've had random anxiety episodes depending on what I was experiencing in life: work, interview, exams, first date. The usual stuff. They always go away after I get a result and then I feel better. But this feeling, it feels way different.

Let me break it down for you on what I've noticed:

November 2015. The month that never was the same ever again. When M died, it was like my world collapsed. I couldn't think. I couldn't concentrate. I just kept being sad, cried, and blamed myself for not helping him. A few days prior to his passing, mom had noticed his breathing was a bit off. She's mostly always home with him so she was able to tell right away something seemed a bit off. She asked me if I noticed anything.

I said maybe a little, but nothing too concerning.

He had positioned himself in a way that allowed him to breathe a bit better. But nonetheless at that time, I was preoccupied with other pressing issues that I didn't get to really notice huge differences.

Few days later, he passed from congestive heart failure. The breathing was a sign of CHF.

To this day, I still feel that guilt that I was unable to save him earlier. The "what if" we had gotten him earlier and started medications to help him? Lots of what ifs. And it eats away at me every single day.

After his passing, it really made me fear losing my loved ones. I worried about them everyday. What if I went to work and then never saw them again? What if they went shopping and something happened to them on the way there? What if they never got back from their party? What if what if what if. It was endless.

I would get flashbacks to M's last moments, of him struggling to breathe, and hearing his last breath. I would have an emotional and mental meltdown because of that flashback. It would replay over and over again each time I went through something worrisome. I would cry, feel guilty, cry some more and eventually recovery momentarily. Then carry on with the rest of the day to the best of my ability.

It has been an endless cycle since November 2015. I thought time would heal. Maybe it's not time yet but the flashbacks come and go. There is no specific trigger that leads to flashbacks. They just happen. Sometimes I would be arguing with a friend or family member, and then the flashback would come. There are many times I would try to sleep at night, and the flashbacks happen. Then I'd cry and it would be hard to fall asleep because it's on my mind.

Flashbacks happen at work too. I could be sitting there, doing my job, talking to clients, then get a flashback and then I'd burst into tears. I try to hide it though because I don't want people to see me in tears. But it happens. One time we talked about family and how much it meant to him. That triggered my anxiety about my parents.

I took a second job for many reasons. To prove that it was possible to have a full time and part time job. To show that I was capable of handling it. To get more experience. To compare my experiences in two different corporations. To gain more knowledge in various corporations. To make more money.

What I haven't told people is that I did it to keep my mind busy from all the sad thoughts I experience on a daily basis. To direct my mind to something else.

However, I could work 5 jobs and still be in the exact same position: flashbacks, anxiety, mental meltdown. Why is that?

Because of guilt. I have accepted that M is no longer here anymore. But I haven't accepted that there was nothing I could do. I still have that guilt that I could've done something, or wished I could've done something earlier like listened to mom and followed up on her concern.

But I didn't. Because I was preoccupied with another problem, and trying to solve that problem.

The only thing I can try to compare it to is your loved one collapses on the floor, from a cardiac arrest. You can stand there and watch the life slip away from them, or you jump in and start compressions right away. And you keep doing it until that person comes back to life. When I think of the situation, I felt that I was the person who just stood there and didn't do anything until the last minute. Nothing was done until the last minute, when it was too late.

Everyone has told me there was nothing I could have done to prevent his death. That he was just old and suffered "old people problems" so it was that time to go. Even if I took him in a few days earlier, he wouldn't have survived for long. I understand that. The problem in my eyes is the action of doing something. It's the lack of action. If I had taken him a few days prior to get him checked out, maybe just MAYBE something could've been done. That's an action. THE action that I SHOULD'VE done.

If I had done that and looked back at it, I wouldn't feel as guilty because I knew I tried my best to save him but couldn't. This is the underlying issue.

Nowadays I worry a lot about family. About losing them, or losing friends. I worry about housing prices. I worry about my jobs. I worry about not being a good parent. I worry about not being a good wife. My life is now surrounded by worry.

Those who do know me know I'm a worrisome person. I apologize a lot even though I don't have to. But this has consumed me for the past year. I know it's not my normal behaviour.

I've noticed I've felt more sad. Not depressed. I don't feel suicidal or have any suicidal thoughts. But I definitely do feel sad because I've lost M. The sadness and guilt have consumed me to the point that I worry about the loved ones around me on a daily basis. And it's all I ever think about.

My sleep has been all over the place. Could be due to my shift work hours too, but as mentioned above, when I try to sleep, I start to worry and then a meltdown occurs. There have been times that I could feel my heart racing. Normally my resting heart rate is about 50-60 beats per minute. When I get those anxiety attacks, it doubles. My blood pressure is on the low side (about 95 to 105 systolic with a diastolic of anywhere between 55-65). If it goes to 115/75 or even 120, that's when I can feel my body stressed out. It might seem low to people, but I've been blessed with the lower end of the normal blood pressure range, so that is considered high to me unfortunately. I just start to feel unwell. Thankfully blood pressure has been ok, but it's the heart rate that I've noticed has increased lately.

If someone were to ask me how my sleep has been lately, I will answer not very well. I go to bed at 4am, sometimes close to 5am, and wake up at 11am or 12pm, eat then go to work. Or I stay in bed all day and not do anything except Netflix. I'm always tired, yet my natural adrenaline keeps me going.

I used to enjoy and look forward to doing things, but it hasn't happened this past year. Sure yeah shopping trips help. But I'd look online first to see if I like anything. If I find something, I'll go and pick it up. Then head straight back home. I don't enjoy walking around the mall anymore. It's like a chore to me these days.

I haven't seen many friends lately. Most likely because everyone's busy. And probably because I haven't taken the initiative to ask for a get together. But it is Christmas season. There are gatherings. I have seen pictures. I'm always working. They just don't know what battle I'm fighting because I didn't reach out to them. I don't want to tell them because I don't want pity from people.

If I could self diagnose myself, it would most likely be Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I used to think people just came up with these disorders, naming them just for the heck of it. But now that I'm sort of in that position, I can understand. It is manageable, treatable. I refused to take medications because what pill can fix my guilt? None. It all comes down to my thinking and accepting that I'm not guilty. Maybe talking to people about it. Heck, even writing about it so when I reread, I can see myself from a reader's perspective. I have to not let the guilt consume me. Once I can accept that, it will help me with the rest.

Just have to take it a step at a time.

Christmas: part 2

So Christmas has come and gone so quick. Honestly, it didn't even feel like Christmas. Gone were the days of extreme excitement of counting down to open gifts, of looking forward to giving gifts to each other.

Nowadays, it's blah.

I'm not sure what happened in between or whether it's just part of growing up. That we grow out of that kid phase of becoming so excited for Christmas. And now we pass on the excitement to the next generation, and watch them become immersed in happiness and excitement to see what they got for Christmas.

Friends and I used to buy gifts for each other, but as we got older and responsibilities (eg. mortgage) became number one, we all agreed that it wasn't necessary to buy gifts for each other. And we made it really clear that no one was allowed to buy anything for anyone.

So that left family. The little ones of course I had to get something. I think it's still important to have the little ones receive a gift at the end of the year. In a way I see it as:

1) Teaches them patience. You tell them they have to wait until the 25th to open gifts. Make them wait. Do whatever you can to make them wait. Eventually they start to learn this pattern and can apply it to life as well. Patience.

2) Appreciation. No matter what they get as a gift, they learn to start appreciating the little things they have.

Those are the two main ones I can think of that is of importance, that they can apply to everyday life.

I still remember (and even kids these days), we all want the latest gadget or the latest "in" item. If you didn't get it, then you were a "loser" or didn't have cool enough parents. I remember one year in elementary school, it was the era of Nintendo 64, Playstation consoles. One of my friends knew he was getting a console for Christmas and was super excited. That year, I saw a dog plushie and asked for it, and got it. I used it as a pillow. So when he asked what I got, I said a pillow. And he busted out laughing, "a pillow?!" Of course I had to explain it was a big stuffed dog, but I used it as a pillow. He thought I was crazy for getting excited over a pillow.

Kids are evil. They have to be taught what is good and what is bad, what is appropriate behaviour, what is a proper response etc. If they were all innocent and good from the day they were born, we wouldn't have to teach them good and bad. They would already know the good. But that's not reality. We know kids can be very cruel to one another. And that's how the bullying starts. When people say kids are innocent, they really aren't.

Going back to that example, it taught me to be humble of what I have, to be thankful, to be patient, and to appreciate what I had in life. My mom always says, give thanks to the Lord for He is good. He has provided the basics for us (food and shelter), and we need to be thankful each and every day, for having food on the table. Not everyone is lucky enough to have one or another, so we do our best and our part to help.

This Christmas, I didn't buy anything for anyone, except those closest to me. The rest went to donations, whether that be the food bank, or Toys for Tots.

Ever since M passed, I try to keep a practice of donating to various organizations. Christmas is the hardest because he was a gift into my life. If I could donate items to various organizations or money to ministries, I would do it and rotate in between.

I received gifts here and there, and I didn't really feel much. I appreciated the gesture, but something is just missing and I can't figure out what it is. I still feel empty even with these little things.

Money can buy lots of things, but money can't buy happiness. Money can't buy sanity. Money can't buy faith.

As we continue the last few days before 2017, I asked that you pray. Pray for those who were not as fortunate, pray for those who have lost loved ones, pray for those escaping war-torn areas, pray for the sick, pray for each other. Pray for the ones whose minds have become so dark that they are looking for an escape out, back to the light. Just pray.

Christmas 2016

Merry Christmas everyone.

It is belated, yes. Things have been insane lately.

Hope you all had a chance to spend time with your families and loved ones. May this season bring you all peace, love, forgiveness, salvation and joy.

Dreams...about exes?!

Everyone goes through weird dreams at one point or another. I don't mean ambitious dreams, but I mean nightmares/dreams in your sleep.

Our brain is a very interesting mass of muscle, tissue, fat, veins, arteries, nerves. We can't control what we dream about in our sleep, especially once we hit the REM part of the sleep cycle.

Sometimes if we're too stressed about something, we dream about it that same night. I find that when I'm really exhausted, I don't dream of anything. It's just 8-9 hours of blank space.

I think it was about 18 years ago (18!!!) that I dreamt about the Backstreet Boys. This was the time that BSB was doing worldwide tours and they were pretty much number 1 in everything. I had won a contest to hang out with them for the day and was allowed to invite a friend. They had this indoor playground (yeah, don't ask) similar to that of McDonald's, but it was a lot bigger. Big enough for adults to play and crawl around in.

Anyways, I remember we went on the tour bus with them, got to check out their studio for recording their songs, and got to check out their mansion that they were staying at. And I believe also a ride in their jet. Yeah, it was an amazing dream.

It was so amazing that the first night I dreamt, the dream wasn't finished when I woke up. I was disappointed. Truly disappointed because I wanted the journey to continue.

That same night, my dream had continued onwards until the end of the trip. That was the first and only time that I had a continuous dream on 2 separate nights. Never again did I have another dream like that. So I still remember it to this day, and how I was able to get so close to Nick Carter!

My other dream was when my mom decided to buy an Infiniti QX80. It's the ugliest SUV I've ever seen in my life, and in real life she would agree as well. But in this dream, for some odd reason, it was her dream vehicle that she thought would be best to carry the family around. We could use this for long road trips with family, it was so spacious and had all the latest gadgets. She was willing to buy it and keep it for as long as it would last.

Of course when I woke up and told her about it the next day and showed her a picture of the QX, she started laughing her butt off. Because she would never buy an ugly thing like that.

Then of course there was the dream about M. When he came alive in my dream, and I was able to spend that few precious moments with him before he went back to Rainbow Bridge with his friends. I'll never forget that one.

Now of course I've had many dreams over the years, and many of them I don't remember now because there were so many. I only really remember the recent dreams.

Has anyone ever had dreams about their exes? I have. It's not because I miss them, or think about them. It just happens I've had dreams about them. And like I mentioned before, we can't control what we dream about.

The longest relationship I've had was about 3.5 years. At that time I thought I would settle, everything is all dandy. But it wasn't the case. I broke it off, and never looked back. I do remember that a few months later, I got a text from him. Checking up to see how I was doing. Now this was after I was being spied on a few times because I was trying to move on. So of course I never replied back. To me, it was almost like a taunt.

But then again, part of you wonder are they really being genuine? Do they really care to know how you're doing? So many what ifs, but they will never get answered.

Anyways, I know I've had a few weird dreams about him. Some of it was about getting back together or catching up. I usually brush it off because he's moved on and so have I. Recently I had a dream about him again. This time, it felt like the dream lasted way too long. As if it lasted my entire sleep.

On a normal day basis I don't think about him, I don't think about the past. I don't keep in touch with him; haven't spoken to him since the day I said goodbye. I shouldn't be having dreams about something that I never think about. But I did. It was almost like a nightmare.

This time, the dream started off with me emailing him to see how he was doing. I didn't know if I would ever get a reply back. And guess what. He replied back! Said everything was fine. He was happily married and had a newborn, along with a cat. That was weird because in real life he was allergic to cats.

After a few emails back and forth, I noticed he had uploaded a group picture of us on Facebook, then had captioned MY name, and started making fun of my nose. In real life, I was never a fan of my nose. Some Asians have slightly bigger noses than others, and I guess I was never happy with mine. Maybe this was a sign of my fear?

This was when I got pissed off and emailed him back, asking what the hell he was doing. That after all this time, why would he do such a thing to make fun of me when I hadn't even done anything to him. That I would never do such a thing to him. After that he changed the caption to "hanging out with my precious princesses". Weird again.

Shortly after that, we both agreed mutually to meet up to see how we were doing with life etc. When we met up, he seemed happy. We joked about his newborn, and how tiring it was to raise kids because he never really wanted kids. Then he talked about adopting a cat because...I'm not sure why. I can't remember.

We laughed and joked, and that's when he leaned in to give me a kiss. SUPER WEIRD. The dream ended off with him saying "you know, your mom still needs to back off from your independence."

WEIRD.

I woke up in a jiffy. It was on my mind for a while. Not because I've dreamt of him cheating on his wife with me. Ew no thanks. But it bothered me because it was a reminder of him asking how I was doing, and I never replied back to him those years ago.

Dreams and reality. Sometimes it's hard to mix the both of them. There are times dreams are partially true, but most of the time they're just dreams. I did have a dream about an exam one time, that I got 54% which is considered a fail. In reality when I got my results, it was actually 54% (the passing grade was 60%) so I did fail that test and had to redo it. THAT blew my mind.

There are the exes that you never talk about. Then there are exes that you can get along with. Then there are the ones that you wonder how they're doing. I think out of my own "good will", I do wonder how they're doing. Especially the ones who you cut contact with. There will always be that one tiny bit of curiosity, to see how they're doing. In a way, they did help shape the person you've become today. They did care for you, they got to know you as a person, and perhaps at one point you were ready to settle with them.

But perhaps that's why it's called the past. That's why they call it moving on. It's just weird that I've had dreams about this particular person the most.

Maybe it's because I've been stressed at work lately too. Trying to get things done before Christmas. I just found out the big boss has put me in charge of the entire unit for the next few days. Something I didn't expect. Since last night, I've been working on the assignments and because of the opening of a new unit, names have been shifted and there's a huge area of error happening if I don't go through hundreds of names properly. I went home with a plan for Christmas eve: to get my staff out as early as possible.

Maybe...maybe I'm just stressed. But this weird dream had nothing to do with my real life stressors.

Anyways that was my weird dream as of late. I wish I could dream about Chanel bags instead, that I had won the lottery or something. Or save the world from all the bad people. But nope.

I just wish we could control what we dream about each night.

Kitty Flats

Now I feel weird posting this after my previous post. There was no plan to post one after another, because I am random and just going with the flow to whatever is on my mind.

When I went to Vegas and was doing window shopping back in April, I came across this store with a lot of kitty themed items. At first, I thought well that's kind of lame. Who would get that?

But since then, it's been at the back of my mind. I've never stopped thinking about it. I guess I'm one of those crazy cat ladies.

I ended up forgetting the company who makes the flats. And then I ended up forgetting about it all together at one point.

Eventually I found the company. Charlotte Olympia. Prior to my trip, I had no clue. I'm not a shoe person so I don't know what's out there in terms of what's in and what not. I don't wear heels because it takes forever to find proper shoes for my wide and big feet, so shoes were never part of my interests.

I went to the new Nordstrom here in Toronto for the first time and was doing my usual window shopping when....WHAT! KITTY FLATS! I DON'T HAVE TO ORDER IT ONLINE! YAY!

Alright so that was my 5 seconds of happiness right there. Then came the problem of finding my size. A 9.5 women's size. You'd think it would be easy in the right colour combination and what not. But nope, not many women have big feet like mine. Thanks to my family DNA. There are more combinations with regular sizes like 6 or 7. But once you get past 9, it becomes a hunt. And if I'm really unlucky, I'll have to look for men's shoes. But unfortunately in this case, men don't wear kitty flats.

I wanted black. But in my size, they didn't have it, except in a dark navy blue. It looked dark enough so why not?

The sales associate (Lindsay) was very nice and patient, because I kept asking for the different sizes and trying it out, walking around the store and debating with my feet to see which felt more comfortable. I was torn because flats don't really fit my feet very well, unless I found that RIGHT size.

Eventually I made up my mind and got them. It was my first time shopping with them so she told me all that I needed to know about their points program and what not. She included a Christmas card, with a candy cane, as well as a scratch and win card! What! That's so awesome. Never seen that before so that was very nice of her.

Anyways, that's my blabbering. Here is my reveal.

From Nordstrom, with love.

Now that's cute. A disclaimer on the underside of the box!

Special shoe indeed!

Now this is interesting. Dust bag for EACH shoe. Not just for the pair, but for EACH?! I don't buy designer shoes so I have no idea if this is normal or not.

Kitty! 

Blue/gold, like Blue Angels.

I don't want to remove the sticker...

How cute!

Looking forward to wearing them in the summer. Along with my cat bag. Need to find a cat dress (haha I kid). Or maybe cat ears.

The shoes are made in Italy (it's a nice place, but I would never ever date their men. No offence), and are velvet, but the sizing is different than what we are used to. On Charlotte's website, they do have conversion sizes, so best bet is to know your exact size before you try it on. I'm told by the SA that sizing can vary and you may need to go down half a size down. To me, it didn't work.

My feet felt like it was trapped in a can of sardines. So I have to stick with my exact US shoe size in order to fit in these. And even then, my heel slightly comes up when walking. However if I go down half a size, I get red pressure spots automatically. If I go up one size, it's too big. You can never win with bigass feet like mine. I never win.

This is the reveal. I won't be able to do a review on the shoes since, well it is winter. My toes would fall off if I attempted to wear this right now. Until then, I'll just try to break them in indoors.

Happiness?

Wow. 1 more week until Christmas 2016. This is surreal. Time really does fly.

We spend months planning for this day, and it will come and go so fast. Then it's 2017. Where has the time gone?! (And don't mind, my ideas are running wild now, so I'll just type as I go along so it might not flow smoothly, but hopefully it will give you some food for thought).

I don't know about you, but Christmas has not been the same since M passed away last year, which was right before Christmas. A couple of weeks before the anniversary date of when we adopted him. To me, the "Christmas prep weeks" have been pretty tough, and my tradition of buying gifts for people have basically gone to zero. It literally took a nosedive. 

And the thing is..I don't feel bad about it. I don't feel anything actually. It's not because I'm selfish, but probably because I'm still in the middle of trying to accept everything. That I need to focus on my recovery, before I can bring "happiness" to other people.

I try to bring happiness to my family and little nieces, by giving them little things to make them happy. But otherwise, Christmas will never be the same for me.

These days, people look at Christmas as another consumerism event, just like Black Friday. The trips to shopping malls or online buying has gone so far up compared to what it was 30 years ago. The stress of having to buy things for other people in order to get approval from them, or get a raise, or just...make them happy. But the ideology of trying to get the "best gift in the world" has created this entitlement feeling in people.

These days, the younger generation feel that they are entitled to the most expensive gift. Iphones. Ipads. Expensive handbags. Expensive gadgets. A car. A house. You name it. 

I blame social media and the media in general for this attitude. It is portrayed that if you have lots of money, and the most expensive material things, that it will bring happiness to your life. The "rub in your face" kind of attitude that I have everything and you have nothing, so my life is better than yours. Which makes Christmas shopping like a race, to see who can give the best gifts, or who gets the best gifts. 

First off, Christmas is not even about buying gifts. The foundation of Christmas is right in the name. Christ. The birth of Christ into this world, in order to bring salvation to everyone, to whomever believes. It is, in a way gift giving. The giving of life. The price to pay? The ultimate sacrifice of Christ on the cross, when people ridiculed him for being God in human form. This never changes. It will always remain Christmas in this historical context.

However, our ideology of Christmas has definitely changed. We have thrown out the "Christ" in Christmas and replaced it with gifts. Material gifts. Gifts that only last for a few months, or years, but will never last with us when we die. It's temporary. And this results in temporary happiness. Nothing in Christmas shopping or gift giving has any reflection of what Christmas is really about: Christ.

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't buy gifts for your loved ones. I'm just emphasizing that it shouldn't be the TOP PRIORITY of Christmas. The top priority should be Christ, and the true meaning of it, and celebrating it with your family and friends. 

They say the number of shoppers this year have declined in the past few years. That could be due to the price increase of rent, which equals price increase in products, but with no pay cheque increase in consumers, there are less people buying because they can't afford to. Now, that's just generalization but it is also pretty true overall. Or people just turn to online shopping because it's way easier, and with longer work hours, who has time to hit the shopping malls?

I definitely know that the decline does not have to do with people realizing what the true meaning of Christmas is really about, because society has gotten more secular and throwing God out of their lives, while introducing secular ideas into society and normalizing it. So the decline in shoppers in malls has nothing to do with people realizing the true meaning of Christmas. 

There are more people on earth now. More people making more money. More products and technologies being invented and sold. But are we more happy as a society? I don't see it. I see people killing each other everyday over stupid things. Mothers and fathers abusing each other or their own family, or killing each other. More road rage incidents because people are impatient over the little things. People fighting, or killing, each other during Black Friday sales. What? Overall, people are just "so busy" that they don't have patience anymore, resulting in violent behaviour.

Can we blame God for all this? No. I blame our sin, I blame our imperfections. I blame ourselves for what we have thrown upon ourselves. We are our own devils. We created the monsters we see right in front of us. Even animals have more compassion than we do. And God gave us dominance over animals. Have we as a society become worse than animals? Have we gotten ourselves so low to that point? Because of our selfishness? 

This is off the tracks a bit, but I was talking to my folks the other day about happiness and what it meant. And they told me a true story about their car mechanic. 

The car mechanic has a customer, a very wealthy one, who will come in with different cars every year (or more frequently) for servicing. At first, the mechanic thought, well maybe he just didn't like the first car or something was wrong with it. But it became a pattern that he would bring in a new car every time he saw him. By the way, this customer is in his 20's.

One day, the mechanic asked the young guy why he was bringing in so many different cars every time he saw him. That cars are a terrible investment, and he's still young, so why was he spending all this money on these cars.

The young guy replied: If I don't spend this money, my dad will just take it and spend it on his mistress.

Is this true definition of happiness? He may be rich from dad's company, but he isn't rich at all. Not in the aspect of family. In fact, this guy is so broken inside. Emotionally he is ruined. Materialistically, he is thriving. Material things are only temporary, but emotions are forever. 

When I heard that story, it really made me think: How many of these young people on social media, who flaunt their riches, are really rich? Emotionally rich and spiritually rich? They hide behind a screen all day, trying to show they are happy, when they really could be hiding their darkest secrets. We may see these entitled kids flaunting their assets, but are they truly happy? 

You can have all the money in the world to buy whatever you like, but it only brings temporary happiness. Especially if you are truly broken inside.

I'm by no means rich materialistically. I work almost everyday, barely have time for myself, try to spend as much time with family and friends. I save to buy things that supposedly make me happy. But I know it doesn't bring me happiness forever. It's only temporary.

Take for example. I buy a cat-themed Chanel bag. Cost an arm and a leg, and required me to work like a dog almost everyday. Although the inspiration came from my love for cats, and definitely a memory for M, I'm still broken inside, and I admit it. People on the outside will think I'm some rich lady, who has nothing better to do except to buy expensive handbags to show off to the world. I'll get blasted for wasting my money instead of feeding the world.

Does the bag bring me happiness? I was happy I was able to attain the bag and have a unique one, yes. But has it made me happy? No. It has only brought me temporary happiness. Temporary escape from my struggle with guilt and death. It's like a drug. You escape from reality for a moment, but after it runs out, you are back to reality.

And that's where I'm at. Reality. The reality that guilt still eats away at me. The guilt of not being able to save M. The guilt that M is not here. The sadness I feel when I lose a loved one. The emptiness that I feel. I'm so guilt driven, that I don't love myself. And this is a constant battle and a work in progress. I haven't had the time for myself to reflect, to accept everything in order to not feel guilty. I've tried to focus on other things, thinking eventually it will all be ok. But I haven't solved the base issue yet. Because of time. 

Which is why I also know that my priority is family and time. The time I spend with family is little compared to when I'm at work. In the long term, that's how life is. We work long hours and spend less time at home. To me, it's about time and family. That's what brings me happiness and joy. 

You can own all the things in this world, but if you don't have family, or loved ones who truly care, then you aren't truly happy. You also need to love yourself first before you can be truly happy. Don't forget joy. Joy comes when you discover faith, and joy is what we all should be aiming for. A combination of happiness and joy is the most powerful relationship. 

Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence. Something we hear about but may not necessarily experience, yet it happens right under our noses. In developing countries. In rich countries. Within friends. Within your own families and relatives. It's everywhere.

This has become a pandemic issue. Not just an epidemic issue, but a pandemic one. 

The latest one to hit the news is an incident involving two married doctors in Toronto. Dr. Mohammed Shamji, a well-educated neurosurgeon specializing in spinal surgery at Toronto Western Hospital has been charged with first degree murder of his wife, Dr. Elana Fric-Shamji, a family physician and researcher in women's health. 

Dr Mohammed Shamji charged

There are no details at this moment as to what exactly happened. Police have sealed off the family home, to gather any evidence that may be used to prove if Dr. Shamji did indeed kill his wife. The couple have 3 kids, ranging from toddler to about 10 (if I recall), who are with Dr. Fric-Shamji's family.

There are many reasons why domestic violence can happen. And it can happen to anyone of us. It's a matter of paying attention to the signs of domestic violence. 

In this case, it happened to one of the most prestigious families that you can find. Two well-known doctors, very well educated, loved by their colleagues and patients, and work their hardest in the research field to better the healthcare for the future. They both were aiming to make a positive impact for the world. They were both involved with the OMA, attending many seminars together, and also active on social media. 

They have great salaries, a great home, happy kids. Yet, this happened.

Now mom is dead, dad is in jail awaiting trial, and 3 kids are left without parents. How sad can this world get? It's heartbreaking. The children will never get to know their parents, and their parents will never get to see them reach their milestones in life. All this because of one person's actions. One person's action leads to generations of hurt.

We can go on and list reasons why he did what he did. Until the evidence starts pouring in, we can only speculate. 

But things don't look too good for Dr. Shamji. Dr. Fric-Shamji did not show up to work on Thursday or Friday of last week (and didn't call in sick). Her mother had not heard from her since Wednesday. Knowing her daughter would not do such a thing, she reported her daughter missing. The husband didn't report his wife missing.

That's the first red flag that I see in this case. As a spouse, if you care enough about them and know their routine (and noticed this wasn't their normal behaviour or routine of them disappearing for some time), you would report them missing. Not wait or not call at all. That raises the flag.

The second one was when Dr. Fric-Shamji's body was found and identified Friday afternoon. Friday night, the police found and arrested Dr. Shamji at a coffee shop. He was with his lawyer and his brother. 

That's red flag number two. 

Who meets up with their lawyer when their spouse disappears? It could be coincidence that maybe he was just talking about other issues like malpractice lawsuits, divorce attorney or some financial issue, but the timing is just not right (or perhaps he was creating an alibi). At that point, I would rather be in full search mode for my spouse, not meeting up with a lawyer. Unless I was trying to cover something up.

It was also noted that a week before Dr. Fric-Shamji was murdered, she had filed for divorce and was telling a few colleagues that she was ready to start a new life with her kids. A week later, she was dead.

Maybe I read or watch too many crime shows (I don't mean fake shows, but real life situations), and there is always a common theme. Or a mixture of themes. Either way, it's very clear there is always a common theme.

1) Money. Money seems to be the NUMBER ONE theme. When one spouse is money hungry, it can get pretty dangerous. A lot of times, it happens via divorce. When two parties go into disagreements and are at wit's end with each other, it's hard to sit down and settle. Might as well kill one off so they can't get their 50% share of money. Now, this is just speculation, but considering Dr. Shamji is one of the top neurosurgeon's in this program, he is well-off in salary. Since he knew his wife was filing for divorce, he knew he would lose half of his earnings, unless they can agree to take whatever share and leave it be. But if he was the type to not agree and would fight until the end to keep all his earnings, then there is a motive. 

2) Culture. In some cultures, divorce is a sin and is considered blasphemy in the family name. It is frowned upon, and people are shunned from the rest of the family for getting a divorce. To prevent getting shunned, couples stick it out and deal with it even though they aren't happy. But for the sake of the family and their parents, they decide to bite their lip. We don't know too much about their culture in this case, but there is a possibility that divorce is an embarrassment to the family name. Dr. Shamji may feel that he would bring shame to the family name, and rather to deal with it, he ended up murdering his wife. Perhaps even lying to the rest of the family to say she abandoned him and the kids. It wouldn't bring shame to him, but it would bring shame to her. Selfish motive.

3) Mental Issues. There are cases that we see where people declare insanity when they accidentally kill someone at the spur of the moment. They weren't thinking properly. Or for that moment, they blanked out. The devil got to them, they heard voices, and then they acted on the voices. As time passes, they hit back to reality and realized what they did, but they don't remember the moment it actually happened. Hence, they are declared mentally unfit to stand trial and undergo a psychiatric assessment. Do we know that Dr. Shamji was having mental issues? We don't know. We can't rule it out completely, but there's always that possibility. But considering he is an assistant professor of surgery at the University of Toronto, and a neurosurgeon specialist, he shouldn't be practicing then if he had mental issues. That would lead to huge malpractice lawsuits. Plus, anyone who uses the "mentally unfit to stand trial" reason as an excuse to prolong the trial when they know their client is mentally fit is the lowest of the lowest scums of the earth. 

4) Violence. It has been reported that in the past, the Shamji household has had a few calls to the police for domestic violence. Charges were dropped against Dr. Shamji. This should be a red flag from the very beginning. Any history of domestic violence calls to the police, and having police show up to the house and goes on record, is a red flag. There is always the potential for things to escalate to the point that someone will get hurt, and unfortunately killed. 

5) Temper. When someone's temper flares up and they don't know how to deal with a situation (i.e divorce, a slap in the face for them), they act out. And they may act out based on prior situations when they were angry at their spouse for something completely different. But now, this is the last straw. This is the chance to fight back. And so they do, except it would end in violence.

6) They were both active on social media, posting about their seminars, outdoor activities and the joys their kids bring them. That's the power of social media. We see and believe that what we see is actually happening. They seem like a happy family. Very out-going and happy with each other. But who knows what happens behind closed doors. It's almost like a shield or a distraction to what really goes on in their lives. Sweeping things under the rug and pretending that it didn't happen will cause long-term negative effects.

The death of Dr. Fric-Shamji has hit the medical family hard. It comes as a shock. The arrest of Dr. Shamji has also been a shock to his coworkers and friends. The trial may not take place for a while until all the evidence has been gathered. But I really do pray for the family and kids. The ones who will be suffering the most are these young kids who will not understand what happened until they grow up and learn about the past. It will hurt them, it will shock them, and it may destroy them. We have to stay strong for them, and let them know we are behind them, that they are not alone. 

1 Year Memory

It's the end of November. Less than a month away till Christmas. Can't believe it.

A lot has happened lately. Well, kind of.

Last week was a brutal week. Not only was it the start of my 2 job scheduling madness where I pretty much work 60 hours or more per week combined, but it was also the one year memorial mark of M's passing.

This entire year has been depressing and sad. It was the year of "firsts" that he wasn't here, so it was tough to deal. There were a lot of mental meltdowns, and flashbacks of his last day. It kept replaying over and over in my head until I couldn't handle it and broke down.

I started the week off as a wreck. It was a gloomy, rainy day weather-wise. As the day progressed, the sun never came out. The gloomy weather definitely set me off into my sad phase where I would get flashback memories of M's last day and then break down. It would be on a repeat cycle for the rest of the day until I went to work.

Going to work is like a break from the emotional world. My brain was focused on making a difference in the healthcare world, and when people gave me a pat on the back for a job well done, I felt good.

But once I got home, it was the emotional train wreck all over again because all those memories started coming back. The next few days were an improvement though. The weather got better too, and I noticed my emotions were better than day 1.

On the eve of his passing, I had a dream.

I dreamt I was watching an old video of him walking around and then jumping on my lap, then laying down on me. I started caressing his fur and laughing.

Then suddenly, it's like one of those inception things. I got immersed into the video. I could feel his warmth and fur, hear his purrs and meow. It felt like I was actually there with him. The video itself was not very long, so I knew I didn't have much time to be with him.

I remember saying I miss you, I love you, everything will be ok. I gave him a big hug. And he meowed and looked at me. Then he had to jump down from my lap, and go. His other kitty friends were waiting for him.

Then I cried, and I kept crying.

And then I woke up.

It really set off my emotions for the next day or two because that dream was always on my mind. From what others have said, I looked pretty upset and sad at the same time.

Mom noticed something was off and thought it was because something happened at work. But I told her it wasn't work related. She thought it was bad friends, but I said no, not that. She kept prying. Eventually I told her about the dream. After I told her, I cried again. She seemed really sad too because I know she really misses him.

She then told me that he's an angel now, that he's looking out for us. He came to visit me in my dreams to tell me he's ok, that he's free. That I shouldn't be sad. But I am always sad because he's not here.

Lately I tried having positive flashbacks of him: the first day that I took him home when I was 10. That out of all the kitties at the adoption agency, I chose him. The quiet one. The one that was hiding behind all the kitties. There was just something about him when I saw him, that I knew he was the one for us.

My brother and dad always made fun of me for choosing such a chicken kitty, because he was always afraid of everything. But he was a smart cat. And we grew to love him each and every day for the rest of his life. He was our world, and we were his entire world.

I have a hard time accepting still, maybe because I did choose him to come home with us. I chose him, grew up with him, gone through my teenage years with him by my side, had many life milestones with him by my side. It felt like it was taken away too soon.

I haven't had a dream about him for a long time. That's why I found it interesting that on the eve of his passing, I had a dream about him. I find that I usually dream about whatever I was thinking of during the day or right before I sleep. But that night my mind was clear. I wasn't thinking about anything. Just watching a TV show and fell asleep. Nothing related to cats.

I believe that M came to briefly visit me in my dream almost a year later after he passed, to let me know that he's ok. I'm not sure if I will ever have similar dreams in the future. I hope so. Because I really miss him, and I don't want him to forget about me.  I just hope one day when I pass, I will be able to see him again.

Shift Workers

Greetings all!

I can't remember if I wrote a post about careers involving shift work and any pros/cons but I was thinking about it and figured I could do a mini list.

It will be useful for those who are thinking of going into careers that will have weird working hours, like nursing, doctor/medicine, policing, pilots, flight attendants, chefs etc, just to name a few. This is my first hand experience with shift work.

In this case I'll use the field of nursing as an example. There are many paths to nursing, and not all paths will require you to work all types of hours. Day Surgery involves shifts during the day/late afternoon, but you get the nights off, and weekends as well. If you work in clinics, many of them are day shifts, but rarely nights. If you go onto medical floors like general medicine, medical-surgical, intensive care units, cardiac units, transplant, you will be expected to work all types of hours: days, evenings, nights, and will require you to work every other weekend.

The great thing about working in ICU and all the medical units is that you will get a lot of hands-on experience, and gain a lot of knowledge. The one thing you have to be careful of is burn out. It takes a toll mentally and physically every time you work.

But speaking of burn out, I believe a lot of places have a high risk of burning out because 1) many more sick people now 2) short on funding 3) results in cutting back on essential services 4) burn out on staff.

The career that I chose mostly involves rotation between days/evenings shifts, and the rare moment of having nights as well. On-calls are also every 2-3 months, working every other Saturday while having every Sunday off. It's not too bad actually.

Now onto the pros of working this shift work hours:

1) The moment of shopping at off-peak hours. This really helps with Christmas shopping for example. Instead of going on a weekend (where there are much bigger crowds), you can avoid it and go on a weekday when you're off work. Much more peaceful and you can get a lot more done instead of fighting in the crowds.

2) Taking vacation whenever you want. You can avoid the high-seasons like summer time, March break, winter break and go whenever you like. In the long run, you'll end up saving quite a bit if you avoid going at high-peak seasons and paying a premium.

3) Getting paid time and a half (or double time in some cases) on holidays, and your birthday (depending on your employer).

4) Switching shifts with coworkers. If you feel that you can't work a certain day or week, there is always a coworker willing to do a switch with you to accommodate your needs. If it's really necessary, managers can work with you to accommodate scheduling.

5) You get premium pay working evening/night shifts on top of your hourly, as well as being on call and getting called in to work.

6) Flexibility. It sounds weird because you think shoot, you basically work all hours. It's impossible to be flexible! But it's true. There is always someone willing to take a shift, so you can always work around it in order to get things done.

7) You can avoid seeing someone you don't like. This one's a bit mean, but the chances of you working with someone you don't like goes down since there are many more hours to work around instead of a straight 9-5 job.

8) More chances of OT. You can bring in the kaching kaching. Ultimately, there is a higher chance of bringing in more cash.

Now onto the Cons:

1) It will mess up your biological clock. Studies have shown those who don't get enough sleep at night will have increased risk of heart disease. There are times that when I have trouble adjusting to my sleep patterns, I don't feel good overall. I feel like crap actually. This is true with those doing straight night shifts. Eventually you get used to it but initially, it is tough to adjust.

2) Say goodbye to your holidays, summers, and having nightly cocktails with your girlfriends. Shift work pretty much means you won't be able to have many nights out (unless you change your shifts around). Christmas and New Year's become the busiest time of year at work, and depending on employer's, some will not allow shift giveaways during these 2 weeks. So going away to Cuba or Florida at this time is almost impossible.

3) Sacrifice. Each job no matter where you end up will require some sort of sacrifice. I find that it still takes a bit of sacrifice from friends, family, just spending time with loved ones. Just have to be careful of balance between work life and loved ones.

4) It will always seem like you're working. Yes it's true to some degree. And when you finally get a day off, you just hope you stay in bed all day and have no one disturb you. But then you'd want to do as much as you can on your day off. You never win.

5) You will feel like you never get paid enough. Then again, that's with any job.

These are the main ones I can think of (there are probably more). This isn't written to scare people away, but more or less to give a head's up of what to expect. Overall, it's actually not that bad. But the biological clock is true, and to this day I still struggle to some degree.